Give & Take (Redbeard Cove #2)

13. Raphael

Chapter 13

Raphael

T he whole next week is sunny, but today there’s a little wind, white puffs of clouds scuttling across the blue sky. Sunlight glitters like jewels on the rippling surface of the ocean, and down by the water, the girls sing Taylor Swift as they decorate our epic sandcastle with sticks and shells.

“You’re not allowed to do this part,” Aurora told me when I tried to help. “It’s a surprise.”

So here I am sitting in the sand, staring once more at the Rusty Dinghy down the beach, hoping for just a single glimpse of Lana to settle my disappointment.

These two kids are shaping up to be my favorite people under ten in the whole world. I love battling with Nova. And Aurora’s absolute delight with the parts of the world we all overlook like the bug with green eyes we saw this morning. I have no papers to grade, no classes to teach. No big-city smog clogging my lungs. I get to play for the summer.

Some vague part of me reminds me that playing for the summer isn’t continuing my quest to find my life’s purpose. That I have plans—to travel to every continent. To visit the birthplace of ten of my favorite authors and philosophers. To eat strange food and volunteer as a smoke jumper or something.

To do things like wrap up my PhD, though that’s kind of an afterthought at this point.

But this summer has turned out differently than I planned.

I met Lana, and suddenly, she’s the focal point of all my desires, and not just the naked kind, though those are there in spades. More than I’ve ever felt before.

But it’s way more than that.

I love people. I’m fascinated by people. My mom tells me I used to talk to the cashiers at the grocery store when I was a kid, strangers in the park.

But I don’t think I’ve ever been so singularly focused on just one person the way I am with her. I forget all my rules about attachment when I’m with her. I want to tease her apart. To know everything there is about her.

To see that smile twist under that frown.

Who knew the ice queen thing was my Kryptonite.

I was having fun up until a minute ago, and that was distracting enough. But now that I’m not actively digging a three-foot wide moat or debating the structural integrity of a sand-bridge with an eight year old, I’m right back in my head, replaying that night with her date for the thousandth time.

I was sure she was going to come upstairs and ream me out after what I did. I prayed she would, just to get to talk to her again. But she didn’t. I lay there for longer than I care to admit, knowing if I went downstairs I’d only make it worse.

But I couldn’t apologize for what I’d done. That guy was a fucking asshole for what he said to her.

Except that weekend I’d promised Mac I’d spend the day helping him put their nursery together. I didn’t see her again until Monday morning. Then she’d barely said a word to me, just like the next day and the next.

Things are weird, and it’s all my fucking fault. But we’re on this strange knife-edge of okay. She hasn’t fired me. But I feel like if we talk about anything beyond my job with the kids, she’ll see how crazy she is for keeping me on.

I run a hand through my hair before fixing my ball cap back on my head and flopping back on the sand. Working for Lana is fucking with me. My usually positive attitude feels like it’s short-circuiting.

“Are you okay?” Aurora asks, startling me.

I lower my forearm from my eyes.

My agonizing stops like a record scratch as I look up at the precious little girl standing over me.

This is what I’m here for. These kids. I need to chill. Do my job.

Have fun, like I’m good at.

I sit up. “Am I okay now? Right now?”

“Yeah!”

“No, because I haven’t seen your castle!”

She grins, her adorable little dimples popping. “Come on!”

Aurora and Nova give me a tour of Castle de Cool. “There’s even a drawing bridge!” Aurora exclaims while Nova, very serious, demonstrates it. It’s actually incredible—strips of kelp woven around sticks. There’s a rudimentary pulley system.

I look at Nova. “You made this? All by yourself?”

She shrugs, but I can see the pride glowing from her.

“We need to get you a fast track into an engineering degree! This is wild!” I take a bunch of pictures, sending them over to Lana with the caption “your child is a genius” before remembering we’re not exactly casually texting this week.

I toss my phone back in our beach bag before I can start worrying about a response. “Alright you child geniuses,” I say. I feel better. Focusing on them is bringing me back to myself. “Now that that’s done, it’s time to play TKITW!”

“What’s ‘tee kay…’ Aurora frowns, then gives up. “What’s that?”

“Throwing Kids In The Water, of course!”

I throw a squealing Aurora over my shoulder and sprint down the beach, chasing Nova. A moment later I’ve gently tossed Aurora in the shallows and fully frisbeed Nova nearby.

The next hour passes by without me thinking of Lana even once. Okay, maybe once, when I swear I see her in the door of the patio entry. But she’s gone by the time I look back again. She probably wasn’t even there.

“You guys hungry?” I ask when we finally collapse on the beach.

“For what?” Nova asks, eyes closed.

“What do you mean for what? It’s a binary question. ”

Nova opens her eyes just a slit. “What does binary mean?”

“Black and white. Yes or no.” Your mom likes me, your mom hates me.

Shit. My mood is coming back. I try my best to shake it off. “How about some mini-donuts?”

This idea seems to renew the girls. A few minutes later we’re over at the concession stand, and a few minutes after that I’ve got a giant bag of two dozen cinnamon-sugar dusted mini donuts in my hand, the kids plucking hot donuts out of it like little seagulls.

Towards the end they start making a game out of eating the last few. Nova does this surprisingly skillful pirouette thing, spinning toward a donut in Aurora’s hand before chomping down on it.

“Do you think they’ll have donuts in dance class?” Nova asks. I almost forgot the girls start a dance class next week.

“If they don’t, I’ll bring them,” I promise.

They do a few of these spins, alternating between spinner and donut-holder. Until Aurora accidentally chomps her sister’s finger along with the donut. This warrants some napkins for tears and an extra emergency donut for Aurora. Then another for Nova, and before I know it, the bag is empty.

“More! More! More!” they chant.

“Would your mom let you have more?” I ask, knowing the answer.

“Yes,” Nova says at the same time as Aurora says, “No.”

“Then we probably shouldn’t,” I say .

“Mom’s not the boss of you,” Nova reminds me.

She’s right. She isn’t. And right at that moment my brain conjures up the image of Lana at the bar, how beautiful she looks in her work clothes, with her hair all tied up on her head, a pencil stuck through the top.

Then I picture her on that date.

With that asshole.

Damn it.

A group of women in their twenties walk by in the sand in front of us, giggling, and wearing barely-there bikinis. I picture Lana, in her bikini. I turn away, leaning back on the boardwalk which we perched on the edge of to eat our donuts.

“Raph?” Aurora asks.

“Yeah?” I say.

“Why’s that lady smiling at you?”

I look up. A pretty woman with long dark hair is looking back at us. She waves at me.

“She wants to go on a date with him!” Nova says, overly loudly, like she’s cracked some big mystery.

The woman giggles. Now she’s walking backward.

A couple of weeks ago I would have given her a genuine big smile. A wink. Some kind of pithy comment she’d respond to and I’d have my own date.

I could still do that. But all I can do is spread my lips wide in a weird facsimile of a smile. What is happening to me?

I scowl, but forget to look away.

The woman drops her hand, looking confused. Then angry.

Because I’m still scowling .

Fuck. I rub my hand over my face.

“What’s a date?” Aurora asks.

“Dates are like, when you have…kissing feelings for someone,” Nova explains.

That’s a good explanation. And explains why the thought of dating that random woman—any random woman—feels shitty.

I have kissing feelings for Lana. I drop my hand.

Which means…“Daniel had kissing feelings,” I say out loud.

Aurora scrunches her nose. “Huh?”

“Who’s Daniel?” Nova asks.

Shit. I glance over at the girls. “No one.”

“Wait,” Nova says. “Is he that doctor guy?”

“Doctor guy?” My stomach cramps.

“Yeah, when Chris came over this weekend she kept talking to Mom about this doctor guy who was really handsome, and like, rich or something? I think they didn’t like him.”

“But if he has kissing feelings for Mommy, maybe we should tell her?” Aurora says helpfully.

I grip the empty donut bag in my hand. “No!”

“Chris also said she knew someone else Mom could date,” Nova says.

Everything feels kind of spirally.

“What did your mom say?” I ask, unable to contain myself.

Nova shrugs. “I dunno. Maybe that she wants to try again?”

Wait, with Daniel? I feel sick .

“Mom wants to have kissing feelings about someone else?” Aurora asks, confused.

I stand up, rolling up the donut bag in my hands. I toss it in the bin next to the boardwalk.

“Did you change your mind about the donuts?” Aurora asks hopefully.

“Mom’s not the boss of you,” Nova reminds me.

I look down at her, a nihilistic kind of feeling slipping over me.

“Yeah,” I say. “You’re right.” She can go on dates. What do I care? I can go on dates. We can all go on goddamned dates and have kissy feelings for everyone.

“We’re getting more donuts!” Nova exclaims, and Aurora’s face lights up so bright I can’t stand to do anything but let them tug me over to the concession once more.