Grissom (In the Company of Snipers #26)

Chapter Six

Grissom couldn’t believe the elegant hotel suite Murphy had prepared for him and his boys after he’d found out Pam trashed their modest two-bedroom home in Silver Spring, Maryland, the night before she’d run off to Costa Rica. Which was just as well. That place had only been a quick buy and temporary solution after Grissom moved his family from Graham, Washington. He’d intended to take time finding something larger and closer to TEAM HQ in western Virginia. There was no going back now.

He didn’t ask Murphy exactly how she’d trashed the house or his things. He had nothing of value. Neither did his boys. But he could imagine. Pamela could be pleasant, but that mood never lasted long. She’d never been a strong, resilient, capable, alpha-type of female, the kind of woman who’d take care of herself and her family when he deployed. Some wives were. Not Pam.

She’d always been more Jekyll and Hyde, one minute sweet and affectionate; the next, a jealous, insecure, name-calling she-wolf, who lashed out at everything and anyone who got in her way. He’d put up with her physical abuse for the past six years because he’d honestly thought that was what fathers of sons did. They endured to the end, damn it, and they kept that shit to themselves so they didn’t scare their kids. Like his father had.

No. More.

Grissom was done ignoring the truth, or acting like an ostrich and burying his pain and humiliation the way his father had. His boys were hurting, and he was man enough to admit he needed help, too. Lots of help, given how long he’d put up with Pam’s shit.

Both Tanner and Luke were exhausted, nervous wrecks by the time they got to the hotel. But while the flight into Virginia had been long and tiring, for the first time since Grissom had been stuck in the looney bin Murphy called a sanitarium, he could breathe. He’d even slept on the plane, but only after Tanner and Luke had fallen asleep, cuddled on his lap.

The pilot and flight attendants had all been gentle with the boys, which had helped Grissom relax. His overly protective tendency to lash out first and ask questions later hadn’t manifested once on the long flight home. Not even when the pilot had invited both boys to join him in the cockpit. It had helped that the guy left the cockpit door open so Grissom could watch. He would’ve been fine with them staying up front for an hour if they’d wanted. But both boys had run back to him after a very brief visit.

During the time they’d been with the pilot, Grissom had watched his sons like an eagle watched over his eaglets. Luke had been excited, but he’d never suffered his mother’s wrath like Tanner had. Luke had eagerly climbed into the co-pilot’s seat, but Tanner had stood wooden, stiff, and unsmiling between the seats. He’d nodded when spoken to, but Grissom noticed he’d also stepped back when the pilot had reached for him, only intending to shake his hand. Luke had enjoyed the adventure, but Tanner had acted as if it were torture.

Worse, Tanner had no more than returned to Grissom’s side when he’d urgently needed to use the bathroom. Grissom had paid extra-close attention to that simple act of his son relieving his bladder, and thank heavens the stream flowing out of Tanner wasn’t red. Wasn’t even pink. Still…

Grissom suspected the worst. Had Estes molested his son? Had Pam allowed it? Encouraged it? Too bad they were both deceased, because the need to kill them again was damned near uncontrollable. Just thinking that his little boys might have had to fend off an adult male was—

Shit! Shit! Shit!

As he lay there in the king-size hotel bed now, with both boys draped over him like two baby sloths, he knew damned well that Pamela hadn’t just bullied and battered him. She’d mistreated his sons too, and he’d been a dumb, blind ass to have ever believed that a mother wouldn’t hurt her own children.

A trickle of wet warmth seeped from his oldest son, over Grissom’s thigh and onto his pajama bottoms. Instead of shoving Tanner aside and yelling at the sound-asleep child, Grissom calmly smoothed a hand down his boy’s back and whispered, “Hey, bud. Time to get up.”

Tanner was a dead-to-the-world kind of sleeper. Two bleary, brown eyes flickered open, but Grissom knew he wasn’t quite yet conscious. First, he got a crooked, groggy smile. Then a wide-eyed shocked, “Oh, no! I gotta get up, Dad! No, no, no!”

Grissom kept his hand right where it was, holding his panic-stricken son to him as if nothing was wrong. “No worries, Scooter. You’re okay. Just take it nice and slow.”

“But I’m…” Tears replaced the shock as raw humiliation rolled over him. “I gotta go right now. I’m… I’m… Dad!”

Grissom leaned into his oldest son’s panic-stricken face and placed a kiss on his now sweaty forehead. “Calm down, Tanner. It’s okay. If you’re getting up, I’m getting up with you. But don’t you dare think anything’s your fault, because it’s not. It’s natural, kiddo, especially after all the crap you’ve been through. So take a deep breath and don’t stress over something you can’t help. Just let it go and we’ll clean up later, okay?” Releasing Tanner, Grissom climbed out of bed, then stopped at their shared dresser on his way to the ensuite head and grabbed clean underwear and pajamas for them both. Accidents happened. No. Big. Deal.

By the time Grissom quietly shut the door to the head behind him and Tanner, his poor kid was in front of the toilet, tears dripping off his chin, with his wet pajama bottoms circling his bare feet. “You want help or would you rather take care of things yourself?” he asked patiently.

That was all it took for Tanner to kick out of his bottoms and barrel head-first into his dad. “I’m sorry I peed on you,” he cried into Grissom’s belly. “I didn’t mean to. I won’t never do it again. I… I promise. Honest, Dad,” he managed between hiccups.

Scooping his half-dressed six-year-old into his arms, Grissom sat on the edge of the tub and held Tanner’s wet little bottom on his peed-on pajama-clad knee. Shaken to his core at the panic pouring out of this poor kid, Grissom reached for the thick, white towel hanging on the towel bar overhead and wrapped Tanner in it.

“Let me tell you a secret, kiddo,” he whispered into Tanner’s trembling head. “There isn’t a man alive who hasn’t peed on himself or his buddies when he’s stressed or afraid or” —God, Grissom hoped not— “hurt. Trust me. Some things scare the crap out of all us guys. Sometimes we know what’s scaring us, sometimes we don’t. And pee washes off. Heck, it’s mostly water, nothing to be ashamed of. But if something’s scaring you, I’m here whenever you’re ready to talk about it. Every time. Anytime. Don’t think you have to hide any stuff from your old dad. If you’re worried or frightened, bring it to me and we’ll talk it out. I’ll listen. Every time. Anytime. You already know I’ll never hurt you, right?”

“Yeah,” Tanner breathed shakily. “I know, Dad.” His cheeks ballooned with a big puff of air before he asked on a long nervous breath, “Where’s Mom? Is she here? You’re not gonna tell her I peed on you, are you? Please don’t. It’ll just make her mad, and she’ll... and she’ll…”

Grissom didn’t miss the outright terror in his son’s innocent question. “How long has she been hitting you?” he asked, forcing calm into his tone, despite the violent rage percolating beneath the surface. Rage at his dead damned wife.

Tanner shrugged. “Forever, I guess. She likes Luke, but she hates me. She told me if I ever told you, she’d kill Luke and make me watch, and I really like Luke, Dad. I don’t want her to hurt him, too!” He ended on a terrified whine that pierced Grissom’s soul.

Damn her! Damn her to hell.

His jaw shifted to one side, a nervous tick he’d developed as a kid living with an abusive mother. Focusing on breathing, he needed to regain his control, for Tanner’s sake. Poor kid didn’t need to witness a full-grown male’s temper tantrum. But damn. Grissom’s mother had only hit his dad, not him. She’d always laughed it off, as if her slaps and punches were nothing more than rough-natured jokes. But Grissom had seen the bleak stares from his dad after those unexpected strikes. How he’d taken every abusive hit or kick she’d dished out in stride. How he’d always made excuses for her. ‘It’s okay, son. She doesn’t mean anything by it,’ or the old standby, ‘It’s just the way she is.’ They’d been Grissom’s role models for parenthood, and for too long, he’d put up with Pam’s abuse. Never again. He understood now. He was just like his dad.

Funny how it took sitting there with his traumatized son on his lap before Grissom realized he was the byproduct of a long line of spousal abuse. It had been passed from his mother’s mother, his grandmother—to him. Well, it ended here. Right. Damned. Now.

Looking up to the ceiling, Grissom couldn’t help it. He was damned thankful Pamela and her asshat boyfriend hadn’t survived the crash. Made a man believe in the whole ‘finger of God’ reckoning thing. That maybe He actually was watching over mankind, that He did reach down once in a while to interfere in people’s lives. That maybe, He who had made blind men see and the lame walk, had finally opened Grissom’s eyes.

“Your mother isn’t here, Tanner,” he murmured softly, “and I’ve never, ever told her anything you told me. Whatever happened when she wasn’t around stayed between you and me, and that’s a promise. She did some things on her vacation to Costa Rica that…” Got her killed . “… didn’t work out so good for her. She’s gone for good, kiddo. You’ll never see her again.”

“Really? She’s never coming back?” Were those eyebrows raised with relief, and was that breathless little boy question tinged with hope?

“Never,” Grissom confirmed solemnly. “Talk to me whenever you’re ready, okay? About anything and everything you want. I’ll listen because I love you, kiddo. Simple as that.” As if he needed to prove what he said, Grissom snuggled Tanner under his chin. “Understand, Scooter?”

“Yeah,” Tanner breathed shakily. His heart still pounded like a mother, though.

To change the subject, Grissom said, “Let’s get you into the tub for a quick rinse, then into clean PJs, okay?”

“But Dad…” Tanner blew out a long, slow breath. “I want you to know that… that she… she hit me. A lot. Like every time I had a… a accident. She’d slap my head and yell at me, and it always hurt and…” The story this poor boy had kept to himself for too long spilled out between hiccups and tears. “The last time, the time Miss Tuesday fighted with Mom, Mom was screaming at Mr. Estes to… deal with me. She said she was sick of me, and he… and he…”

Grissom gritted his teeth so hard, he heard a molar crack. If there were any way possible, he’d march into Hell and kill Estes again. He’d wring the bastard’s neck! Then Pam’s!

“And he grabbed me and he made me go outside with him, and I was ascared, and then he… he hanged me upside down, D-Dad. Over the railing. He shaked me real hard, and he said if I… if I ever peed my bed again, he’d drop me on my big, dumb head down to the parking lot. I don’t mean to, Dad. Honest. I can’t help it. I try real hard, but when I’m asleep, I…” Tanner covered his eyes with both hands and burst into tears. “I can’t help it,” he sobbed, shaking with shame. “I’m a stupid kid just like Mom says.”

How many times had Grissom been told the exact same thing by his mother? Too many.

Enough!

“Don’t believe anything your mother ever said, son. You’re not stupid; she is. You’re smart and compassionate, and I’m so damned glad you were there to protect your little brother. Luke needed you, understood?”

“Uh-huh,” Tanner murmured, as Grissom held his trembling boy flat against his heart, pissed at Pam for always being a bitch. He was as bad as his dad, and so damned grateful for that Tuesday woman, whose last name he couldn’t recall. Wasn’t sure he’d even heard it. His entire focus had been on his boys that day in Costa Rica, and once he’d found them, the rest of the world had disappeared. His ears had stopped working and his heart had taken over. Nothing and no one else had mattered. Still didn’t. Just Tanner. Just Luke.

It might be nice to send her a sincere thank-you note or something, though. Maybe a small bouquet of flowers. Pam had never liked anything he’d given her, but maybe that Tuesday woman was different. Maybe she would like flowers. She’d already proven she was brave and strong enough to face two heartless bullies. The least he could do was send her a thank-you note. Make that a text. Thank-you notes required addresses and stamps and…

Yeah, no. He didn’t need to start something with a woman he’d never see again.

“I know how hard you try, Tanner, and that’s all anyone can do. You’re a good boy. Don’t let anyone tell you different, and don’t worry if you still have accidents. One of these days, your body will mature, and your brain will wake you up in time and tell your muscles to hold on a little longer. You’ll see. Some of us guys mature later than others. It’s no big deal. It just is what it is.” Grissom rocked his firstborn on his lap until the sobs and hiccups ceased. “No matter what happens, no matter how many times things don’t go like you want them to, you’ll always be safe with me. I’ll never hurt you, scream at you, or scare you. Never. And who cares what Mr. Estes thinks? I sure don’t. He’s a big, fat jerk.”

Grissom got a weak chuckle out of Tanner at that childish pronouncement.

Telling him about Pam’s and that fat bastard’s demises could wait for the day Tanner was more confident, maybe after he and Luke received the counseling help they needed. He might tell them their mom was dead then… But he might not. Grissom wasn’t sure how to handle traumatic news like that, but he’d deal with it. Eventually. After he paid Murphy back for this outlandishly expensive hotel room. And for the days Grissom had spent in that asylum. And for his new cell phone. The new house Murphy had helped Grissom locate and buy. The boys’ and his counseling. All of those things cost money Grissom didn’t have and didn’t see a way of accumulating in the near future, not with his kids living with him now. They came first. Debt would always come second.

Instead of feeling weighed down with responsibility, Grissom felt good for the first time in years. Pam was permanently out of his life. He and his boys might never be wealthy, but the three of them were going to be okay.

“You know what, Dad?” Tanner asked, his sweaty fingers fidgeting with the bottom strands of Grissom’s shaggy beard.

“What, son?”

“I’m glad Mom isn’t coming back.”

“You know what, Tanner?”

“What, Dad?

“Me, too.” Fuckin’ glad.