Grumpy Doctor’s Holiday Twins (Forbidden Doctors #17)

29. Melody

29

MELODY

S itting next to Holly's bed, I felt mentally and physically drained, and my emotional exhaustion was winning out. Depression weighed me down like a lead blanket and I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open. The nurses had told me several times to go home and rest. I knew John had slept in the on-call room to make sure he was here if anything happened.

They gave Holly blood and ran more tests. With a few folic acid shots and IV fluids, her urine was finally returning to normal. I was sure we weren't completely out of the woods, but they had sedated her due to her gallbladder pain and the fact that she needed rest for her marrow to keep up with the need for blood creation. I just couldn’t bring myself to leave her bedside, even at seven a.m. when shift change happened and I'd been up all night.

"You're still awake?" John asked from the doorway, and I looked up at him, not even trying to smile.

The long night was heavy on my heart. Ethan had stormed out in a huff upon learning about Holly and Noel, and even that wasn't enough to pull my attention away from my little girl. As much as I wanted to obsess over it and freak out about losing him, nothing was more important to me than my daughter.

"I brought you a coffee. I thought you'd want to wake up a bit, but the nurses told me you never slept." He walked toward me with the coffee extended in my direction. He wore the same shirt, though it was crumpled, as were his pants. And his hair stuck up in places at odd angles, indicating he hadn't taken time to shower or groom himself. He loved these kids like his own, and it showed.

"I couldn’t, John. She's my world." I took the hot brew and looked down at my baby girl who slumbered lightly. They'd remove the sedation this afternoon when they were sure her body was functioning better and the pain was less. I'd have to be here for her and be fresh, but that would mean sleep. Maybe John would stay with her while I napped.

He took my hand and forced me to stand up, and I followed him to the couch where we sat down and I sipped the coffee he brought. I didn’t know why I expected it to be anything other than black, but somehow, the sweetness of cocoa and cinnamon—the kind Ethan always brought me—wasn't there. I cringed at the bitterness but didn't act ungrateful. I'd been away long enough that John didn't know me, though Ethan remembered every detail.

"Where's Ethan?" John asked, as if I'd know. I figured he would know better than me.

"I don't know." I sighed and dropped my eyes to the brown plastic lid on the cup. "He was really upset."

"I know… He probably did a couple hundred bucks’ worth of damage to the doctors’ lounge."

Shocked, I looked up at John with wide eyes and noticed his vacant stare in Holly's general direction. I didn't want to ask what happened because it seemed like John was pretty upset about it. If Ethan was angry enough to destroy hospital property, he probably wouldn’t be coming back. But I had to focus on Holly right now.

And it was strange to me how John brought him up so casually now, like he wasn’t even angry anymore. Just twenty-four hours ago, he was so livid he was willing to tell me off and hurt my feelings, and now it felt like a non-issue. I felt paralyzed by the whole thing, though, and wished none of this was happening.

"I see," was all I could muster. Images of Ethan smashing things flashed through my mind and for the first time in my life, I could believe that about him. He'd been so grumpy and irrational for weeks. I didn't doubt this revelation could push him over the edge into rage that would drive him to break things.

"You know, Mel, it will be okay. Whatever happens. We know what's wrong with Holly, and we know how to fix it, even if that means emergency surgery. She will be fine. She's in a great hospital and I know my staff." He sighed and turned to look at me. "And I'm sorry for being so over the top. Ethan is a great man, and my comments about his running off were just out of my heart of love. If that's what you want, if you want him and this, and a family, then I will do everything in my power to fight for that for you."

My shoulders felt tense again. I thought we'd moved past this, and here he'd done a 180 on me and now I didn't know what to think. Things with Ethan were over. I knew that. If there had ever been a glimmer of hope for us to resolve things, it would have been me telling him upfront and giving him my reason—because I wanted him to be happy. Now he would never forgive me, and I had no words for that.

"I just know my friend. He's going to go take that job overseas and even this won't be enough to keep him here, especially after the way he reacted." John touched my arm lightly. "I don't want you to get hurt."

While the sentiment of what he was saying should have been comforting, I was too raw from it all. I didn't want to think about Ethan right now. I wanted to think about Holly and my future. Dad was getting older. It was taking so much more to care for him. And with twins and an aging parent all needing care, it was challenging to balance things. I had a mind to ask John if Dad could move in with him and give me a break, but I didn't want Dad to feel like a burden.

I didn't know what to say to my older brother so I said nothing. The silence was stale, but not uncomfortable, and when his phone started to ring, I knew he'd have to go work soon. He pulled it out and answered it, and I recognized Dad's loud voice as he held the phone to his ear.

"Yeah… She's doing better. We have her stable, and we'll wait until results come back. Yes… Mel is holding it together, Pop. We're okay. Noel? Of course." The pauses where I couldn't quite make out what Dad was saying made my fight or flight stir, but I watched John's forehead for signs of distress. If this could happen to Holly, it meant it could happen to Noel too. I'd likely have to get him tested. "Yep, no problem. I'll swing by."

When John hung up, I looked at him with concern. "What is it?"

"Dad just wants some help getting situated for the day with Noel. I'm gonna stop by and help him. Do you need anything from home?" he asked, and I shrugged.

"Just some clean clothes, if you don't mind." John stood and pressed a kiss to the top of my head.

"Lie down and rest. Her alarms will wake you if something goes wrong. I'll be back in a few hours. You need to be rested when they wake her up." He lingered near me for a second, but I had no response for him. My heart was too heavy to talk.

John left, and just as I was trying to convince myself to lie down, Dr. Hart walked in. He carried a mass of balloons and a vase of flowers in one hand, and in the other, he held a teddy bear. His warm smile made some of the tension seep out of my body, and I was grateful for a friend I knew I could talk to without judgment.

"Hey," he said softly, setting the vase and balloons on the table. He walked over to me and sat down, placing the teddy bear in my arms.

I hugged it as I felt tears welling up, and without even asking, Lucas put his arm around me and I curled into his chest and cried. What I wouldn't have done for this to be Ethan, the man I loved, but a good friend would have to do. Lucas wrapped both arms around me and rocked softly, talking gently to me as I cried.

"Hey, it's okay. I've looked at her charts and it's going to be okay." Lucas wasn't a pediatrician, but as a doctor of internal medicine, he routinely consulted on pediatric patients. I knew he was a good doctor, but he wasn't Ethan. "Talk to me."

I sat up and sniffled, and he lowered one arm, but he left the other stretched out behind me, curled around to touch my shoulder. I dabbed my eyes with the back of my hand and sniffled again, and he put a finger under my chin so I was forced to look up at him.

"What's wrong? I mean, apart from the obvious…"

It took me a few seconds to muster the courage, but I let loose. I told him about how overwhelmed I'd been with work and how I felt like a horrible parent for not noticing Holly was so sick. I’d been so busy with work and Dad had been caring for the twins. Soon enough, he wouldn't be able to, and how would I function when I needed help getting them to and from school? Being a single mother had felt like a doable task until something like this happened, and now I felt like I was failing.

When I looked up at him with tears dripping from my cheeks, he was nothing but compassionate and warm. He used a thumb to wipe away as many tears as he could and smiled at me.

"Melody, you're a fantastic mother. You are not a horrible parent. And you're doing the best you can." His thumb brushed over my lips, and the way he cradled my cheek was so sensitive. "You need to cut yourself some slack and go easy on yourself. This would have happened whether you were with them more or not, okay?

"You deserve a man who can encourage you and protect you from a lot of this. Someone to partner with you and carry some of this load. You work so hard and you need time to rest, time to care for yourself, and someone to care for you." His eyes searched mine as I licked a tear off my lower lip.

Lucas was so sweet and so kind. He and I had really gotten to know each other over the past several weeks, and I considered him a good friend. I knew he meant everything he was saying too, and I knew he wanted to be that person in my life. I could be happy with that, with someone who doted on me and pampered me at times. And though I wasn't in love with him, the comfort of the idea of having someone like that made me crave it so badly.

"I know this is a really horrible moment, but I want to be here for you, Mel. I want to treasure you like that. I know we're not super romantic, but I think we're close enough for me to tell you that I care about you. I want to be the one you come home to someday, maybe after we go on dates and I prove to you that I can be that for you."

Again, his eyes searched my face. I saw the sincerity in his eyes and wanted so desperately to say I could do that for him. But in my heart I knew I’d never truly be happy. I'd always want that passionate, crazy love that made me insane with anger and frustration and so high on life with endorphins when I thought of how amazing and incredible of a man I had. I would always want Ethan.