Hannah. (Van Den Bosch #7)

Chapter 10

10

Hannah

When the chill starts to bite at us, we all head inside to the warmth of the house. I follow the group into the large, lavish living room, looking for Astrid the entire way. Is she still upstairs in her room? And Johan? Did he leave the estate altogether? It’s not like I’m alone, though. Conrad stands beside me, clearly taken by my presence. It’s flattering, but his timing is simply terrible. I’ve never been less interested in a man romantically than I am with Conrad right now. Not necessarily because of who he is but because Johan and the rejection I had to give him still weigh heavily on my soul.

Honestly, I hadn't anticipated the emotional rollercoaster of seeing him again, not after having already seen him at the exhibition. The shock of him and Astrid being a couple should have been gone, but each time I see them together, it’s like an electric shock across my nerves.

Then, he had the audacity to break up with her and try to make out with me on the same day under her roof! The nerve of that man! It’s been two years, but my memories of Johan have intensified, becoming clearer in my mind each time I look at him in the here and now. Having him so close makes those feelings burst to life, making me feel like a fool and a terrible friend all at once.

He annoys the hell out of me. Yet I want him desperately.

Even as dinner is served, my eyes wander, seeking Astrid and Johan. Their absence is making my hair stand on end and my nerves jittery with anxiety. So they’re probably together, wherever they’ve gotten off to, but what the hell could they be doing? They’re either fighting or…ugh. Fighting or fucking. I don’t know, which makes me feel worse.

That is a lie. The second option makes me feel much worse, reminding me I’m a terrible person for wanting my friend’s boyfriend.

Conrad continues to try to engage with me as we take our seats to eat, but the hostess and her ex-boyfriend's absence overshadow pretty much everything else for me. My thoughts cling to my recent conversation with Johan. Logic dictates I did the right thing by sending him away, but my heart—oh, my stubborn heart—screams in protest.

I navigate polite conversations, my nods and smiles on autopilot while my mind is a battleground. Boundaries are set, and choices made, yet the magnetic pull I feel towards Johan is undeniable. It’s a tug of war between sensibility and raw desire, each side fighting for control. Right this second, he might be making up with Astrid, all because I rejected him, and any chance I had to explore what I feel for him might be forever gone.

Heads turn to the doorway as Astrid and Johan finally make their grand entrance, their hands entwined, smiles painting their faces. Astrid, who seemed burdened earlier, now radiates a bubbly, infectious joy, her earlier distress replaced by contagious happiness.

Johan looks happy, but it’s a bland sort of joy. Content––satisfied, even––but nothing infectious or joyous about it. Just plain old happy.

Conrad breaks the ice with a playful remark. “Finally! We were practically wasting away waiting for you two.” Laughter fills the room, momentarily thawing whatever awkwardness had been building in the space separating me and Johan. I giggle, too, but there is a nervous edge to it.

The couple joins the rest of us, and the dynamics shift. Astrid and Johan, now side by side, are undeniably back together from what must have been the world's shortest breakup. The realization makes me want to scream, but I keep my head down, focusing on the dinner being served and Conrad’s incessant chatter beside me. At least I have him as a social buffer, if nothing else.

Conversations ebb and flow around the table, and delicious food keeps everyone fed and entertained throughout the dinner. It all tastes like ash to me, but maybe that’s because I’m on the edge of misery.

Astrid and Johan act like there was never anything wrong between them, laughing and holding hands throughout the meal. I have to look away.

When plates are cleared and desserts are brought out, Conrad seizes the moment, raising his glass high. “To friendship,” he declares, eyes sweeping over everyone at the table as we all join him in lifting our drinks. “Which is what brought all of us together today. May we have many more evenings like this.”

The clinking of glasses resonates, and a few calls of “Here here!” ring out. I toast with Conrad, ignoring how close he wants to be to me. I drink deeply and wish there was another glass already waiting for me.

Friendship…not only did I potentially tarnish the one I have with Astrid, even if she doesn’t know it, but I’ve also pigeonholed myself into only being friends with Johan instead of more––like I want so selfishly.

My gaze involuntarily flickers towards Johan and Astrid before I force my eyes away once more. Let them be happy. At least two out of the three of us will be.

Under the canopy of stars, I’ve wrapped myself in a velour blanket and found some solace from the party still going strong inside. My fingers trace the rim of a port wine glass, the rich taste of it pleasantly decadent but too much for me to finish. Everyone is living their best college life back in the house, getting drunk on this expensive port and whatever alcohol treats they’ve snagged from Astrid’s family bar.

“Hey girly,” I hear Astrid’s voice coming from behind me and turn just enough to see her hips swishing and cheeks flushed from the alcohol. She’s still got her port glass in her hand as she settles on the outdoor bench at my side, leaning into me. “I wondered where you had disappeared.”

“I just needed to get some air,” I tell her genuinely, without elaborating.

“Yeah, me too.” She nudges at me, a small smile playing at her lips before holding up her glass. I do the same, and she clinks her glass against mine. “Cheers to a successful party and lovely friendships.”

“Cheers,” I reply, but my heart isn’t in it. Tucking my feet beneath me, I broach the subject that drove me outside in the first place. “So you and Johan are back together, I see…?”

Astrid’s eyes glinted with newfound happiness, her smile bright in the dark. “Yes! It was just a miscommunication, I guess. If he’s not ready to commit, I’m okay with that. Some men need more time.”

Just a miscommunication? Her words make my stomach tighten. “But what if he never commits to you?”

Astrid’s laughter rings out. “For now, I’m just enjoying the ride. I like being with him,” she says, endlessly optimistic. “Not to mention the sex is great. I’ll take that over a dildo any day.”

If what she said before made my stomach hurt, there is bile rising in my throat now. The last thing I want is to picture the two of them in bed together.

I want to tell her that it’s a bad idea and that she’s just giving in because she doesn’t want to lose him, not because she’s actually okay with being just friends with benefits with Johan forever. But she’s so damn happy that I can’t get the thoughts out. I don’t want to burst her happiness for the second time today, even if I’m positive she’s selling herself short. So, in the quiet of the night, I swallow my words, the truth too hurtful to share.

I meet her gaze, finding a quiet strength in her eyes behind the inebriated haze. “If you’re happy,” I say, trying not to sound hesitant. “Then I’m happy for you.”

She beams, leaning her head on my shoulder. “Thank you, Hannah. Really, I mean it.”

God, this is so hard. My feelings for Johan are vast and overwhelming, and they are in constant competition with the friendship I now share with Astrid. I’m tangled in a mess, questioning every decision I’ve made tonight. Did I misjudge Johan? Was I too hasty in pushing him away? And Astrid…she deserves happiness, too. Her heart is tender, and she's hoping for a love that might be just out of reach.

Holding my glass, I find myself thinking about what in the heck I’m supposed to do now. It’s like trying to navigate a maze blindfolded, each step uncertain, each turn leading to an unknown destination. Never in a million years did I think I’d see Johan here, or that I’d make such a dear friend, and that Johan would be dating that dear friend. How is my luck so damn bad?

I tilt my head towards the stars but don’t find any answers there, either. At this point, I expected to be getting into the rhythm of being a college student, not grappling with the complexities of love and friendship. The night sky offers no easy solutions, only the vast expanse of the universe.

Astrid interrupts my musing with a little giggle, asking, “So…enough about me, what about you and Conrad?”

I still, holding my breath. “What about us?”

She lifts her head to look at me, still grinning. “Oh, you know! He’s cute, isn’t he? And he’s obviously into you.”

I fight the urge to wrinkle my nose. Even if Conrad did spark interest in me, the idea of having feelings for another man when I’m still so conflicted by Johan seems like it would be hell on earth. I can only take so much at once.

“Oh…well, I guess. It’s nice that we get along, but I’m not sure there’s anything else besides possible friendship,” I explain, attempting to brush off the subject, though my words fall flat.

Astrid catches the hesitation in my voice. “You seem a bit down. Is everything alright?” Her concern digs deeper than I expected.

I muster a smile, hoping to mask the chaos inside of me. “Just tired, you know? Do you mind if I crash early?”

She shakes her head, blond hair flying. “Not at all. We're heading back to Cambridge early tomorrow anyway. Get some rest,” Astrid replies kindly, patting me on the leg. Just as I start to stand and turn away, she adds something that makes me feel miserable all over again.

“Hannah, I appreciate you being here for me when I was feeling down. Thank you.”

There’s a sincerity in her tone that makes my heart ache. I’ve been lying to her this whole time, stealing from her exhibit and having almost-kisses with her boyfriend, and now she’s thanking me.

“Oh, it’s nothing.” It’s another lie, but it sounds real enough coming out. “Good night, Astrid.” Walking away from her, my steps heavy with contemplation, I step back into the warmth of the house. The port wine swirls in my glass, crimson and dark—sort of like how I feel right now…dark, dreary, and heavy.

I finish the drink, grimacing at its thick sweetness, and set the glass down on a side table as I head upstairs. Is it the wine making my head spin, or the fact that Astrid and Johan have rekindled their connection while I’m left reeling? My mind swirls with the thought of how Johan went from almost kissing me to sleeping with Astrid—all in the span of less than an hour.

The ghost of that almost kiss lingers in my thoughts, a tantalizing whisper of what could have been. It mirrored so perfectly the incident in Oma’s office during my brother’s wedding that it makes my chest tight to think about it.

The uncertainty claws at me, leaving me breathless and wanting. As I rush to my bedroom, my cheeks are heated from the memories of Johan being so close to me. Tonight, something fundamental has shifted, but it might be too late to grab what I want before it disappears for good.

I retreat to my room, the door closing behind me with a soft click, shutting out the noise of the party. I sit on the edge of the bed, my mind a chaotic mess. Thoughts of Johan and the almost-kiss dance through my head over and over, the moment playing on repeat like a glitching screen. It leaves me wondering if I should have acted differently. Regret sinks its claws into my heart, and I can't shake the feeling that this night, with all its unspoken words and unfulfilled potential, will haunt me for a long time.