Hannah. (Van Den Bosch #7)

Chapter 16

16

Hannah

I start the day without being overly concerned with the date I agreed to, but dread starts to build inside me as I go through my classes and the hours tick down. Oh, I so don't want to go out with Conrad tonight, not after what went down between Johan and me. Even thinking back on it makes me feel flushed and hot. I don't even reflect on individual moments, but the overall rush and need that I felt underneath him and with his lips and hands all over me. How long have I been waiting for that? How often have I fantasized about it late at night in bed? A million, at least. And now it’s a reality.

We're supposed to go away together, just him and I, and the reason for the little trip is all too clear. He wants to be my first, and as much as I yearn for the same thing, it's hard to keep the doubts out. It’s all just happening so fast, and now I have this date with Conrad that I tried to cancel gently, but he was insistent. I bet if I told him the truth of the matter, he’d cancel himself at lightning speed, but of course, there is no way that I can do that.

Then there's Astrid in the back of my mind, but thinking too much about her makes me feel sick to my stomach, so I put thoughts of her aside until I’m in a mental place where I can handle it.

I’m in the middle of Johan and Astrid, and that's the last place I wanted to end up. Even worse, Astrid doesn't even know I’m there.

Then there is the fact that Johan knows the secret of my kleptomania. It feels unreal that anyone would know, let alone the man I’ve been developing feelings for years. When he first spoke the words, I felt like an animal in a trap, like I needed to escape or risk meeting certain doom. But Johan wasn't there to punish me; he was there to support and help me. If I hadn't already been fighting the world's biggest crush on him before that, I’d have been helpless at his feet once he held me and made me feel accepted and unashamed about my problem for the first time in my life.

Class ends, and I head back to my dorm, intent on getting ready for this date and then swiftly getting it over with. I’m not even going to try to have a good time, but it won’t matter anyway because no matter how charming Conrad is, he can't hold a candle to the flame of Johan.

I change my clothes and get ready, and soon enough, Conrad arrives to pick me up. I feel awkward—this is not something I do. Dates and things like that aren't for me. I’m a classic introvert. We've opted for an early dinner with the excuse that I have to study, but I don't want to be out late with Conrad or anyone, for that matter.

I hear the sharp and clear knocks resonating against the wood of my door. It slices through the music I’ve been using to entertain myself.

My hand hesitates for just a second before I turn the knob, pulling the door open. There he is, standing in the hallway, slightly fidgety, a white rose in hand. His eyes immediately lock with mine, and I watch as a myriad of emotions dance across his face. Surprise registers first, his eyes widening as they take in my appearance. Then a slow, awestruck smile spreads across his face, and it's like he’s seeing me for the first time all over again.

“Wow,” Conrad breathes out, the word hanging between us like a suspended music note. He looks genuinely stunned, his usual smooth demeanor giving way to open admiration. “You look…absolutely beautiful.”

Looking down at my outfit, I wonder if dressing up for a date I won’t take seriously was a mistake, but Conrad said the place he’s picked out is nice, so I picked a simple emerald green skirt and a white silk top tucked into the skirt artfully. Usually, I prefer darker colors, but something about the warm evening air and the atmosphere around the entire college makes me feel lighter.

“Thanks.” I’ve got my small purse and my boots already on, wanting to avoid Conrad coming inside my dorm. “Are you ready?”

He looks over my shoulder, trying to get a glimpse of my private domicile, but I step out into the hallway, closing the door behind me with a lighthearted smile.

“I suppose,” Conrad drawls. “We could hang out for a little while if you wanted. The reservation is in an hour.”

“Sure, let's take a walk,” I suggest, looping my arm through his and leading him away from my room.

Conrad and I walk across campus, and he does most of the talking. He’s a very charismatic and friendly person, and I can see how he’s gotten the reputation that he has. Everyone seems to know and love him, and despite my hesitations, I find myself relaxing in his presence. I truly hope that he and I can remain friends once this is over.

Once what is over? I think to myself. Once you sleep with Johan and throw every single one of these relationships into disarray?

My mind wanders to my upcoming weekend with Johan and the possibilities it presents. I know I’m not going to regret sleeping with him. Even if nothing comes of it and we part ways, even if we aren't compatible, or if Astrid comes out on top and wins him after all, I know it’s the right decision for me to go and find out what this thing between us truly means. He's been everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend and companion; I hope that he will be the same as a lover. A million things could happen, but I know I made the right choice even if they all go wrong.

“Something on your mind?” Conrad asks, jolting me out of my inappropriate thoughts.

“Just thinking about class,” I lie, turning my head towards the sky and taking in the beautiful evening, the soft pink hues, and the clouds that look like they are made of whipped cream.

“Well, don't worry about that. Just have fun with me tonight, and you'll forget all about school. What are you hungry for? We have plenty of time.”

I pause, frowning. “I thought you said you had a reservation?”

“I made a reservation at a few different places so you could have your choice of cuisine.” Humor sparkles in his eyes. “What are you thinking? Traditional English fare, Italian, Indian?—?”

“Indian.” I agree quickly, laughing. Of course, he would make multiple reservations...I’m getting the idea that Conrad really wants to impress me.

“Navadhanya it is.” Conrad slides his hand down my arm, lacing my fingers with his. I almost shake him off but resist the urge.

Wow, is dating supposed to be this uncomfortable?

Upon arriving at Navadhanya, I notice that Conrad has no trouble relaxing or making me feel the same. The place is lovely, and the smell of spices permeates the air as soon as we open the door. Like most places around Cambridge, it's an old-world cottage-style two-story building, but inside, it is totally modernized with dark yellow walls with blue-gray accents and furnishings of warm wood. Conrad has requested a table on the second floor near the corner to give a semblance of privacy, but the restaurant is busy nonetheless. I’m glad for it, honestly. It makes things feel less intimate. The server comes over immediately, and we order drinks—Conrad suggests a wine, but I want to keep my wits about me, so I go for mango lassi while he gets himself a hard cider.

“This place is great. How did you find it?” I ask, sipping my drink.

“Astrid actually suggested it,” Conrad admits.

Ah, Astrid, of course. I feel guilt all over again—why can't I go a single hour without thinking about her or having someone else mention her name? I don't let Conrad see any of my turmoil, though. “That makes sense. She has impeccable taste.”

“She does,” Conrad agrees, sipping his cider. “She picked you out of the crowd rather easily for a friend, so that’s another point in her favor.” He looks amused, but even a lighthearted joke on such a topic strikes a nerve with me. He doesn't see my irritation, though, as our food comes right as I’m feeling it, and he’s too focused on the steaming, bright array of delicious spices and colors before us.

There's plenty to choose from, and there seems to be just the right amount of everything for two. While we eat, our conversation continues with jokes and easy talk, but my heart isn't in it, and neither is my stomach. Conrad seems to be enjoying himself, though, so I guess that is the most important thing.

“So, you never did say how many reservations you made,” I comment, having my suspicions.

He grins. “I made five. I wanted to cover all my bases.”

“Got it.” I shake my head, laughing. “Next time just ask me beforehand, hm?”

“Does it bother you that I didn’t ask first?” he asks after a small silence.

“Not particularly; it’s just that I prefer being comfortable rather than going somewhere fancy.”

He doesn't seem to take offense at this at all. “So what you’re saying is a pizza and beer situation next time, preferably someplace close to your dorm.”

“This place is also fine,” I reassure him. “It’s just that I’ve had my fill of stuffy dinners growing up with my family.”

What I don't tell him is that I’m simply trying to dissuade him from taking me out to these clearly romantic places anymore, not if we're going to hang out as friends. I will have to figure out exactly how to let him down easily.

“I can work with that.” His lips twist into a smile while his eyes shine in a way that tells me he isn't ready to be done yet. He reaches into his suit jacket and, to my shock, pulls out two red leather boxes—jewelry boxes. Oh, no....

“Listen, I don't usually do this, but you’re a special girl, and, eh, I got you a few things...I hope you like them.”

The boxes rest on the table between us, and I don't even want to pick them up. “Conrad…I shouldn't. This is too much.”

He pushes the boxes towards me, his tone low but insistent. “Please. Open them. I picked them out for you; I knew you’d love them.”

I sigh. I can’t reject him and the gifts outright—that would be rude—so I pick up one box, and then the other, opening the smaller first. It’s a delicate gold necklace with two interlocking rings. I’m not a fan of the design, but the piece is pretty enough, and Conrad is so eager for me to open the other box that I can't help but open it and see what it is. Inside is a matching bracelet set, the two thing bangles interlocking, and while I can't deny that Conrad has good taste, this is all too fast and intense for me.

“They're beautiful, thank you.” I put the boxes down quickly, avoiding his gaze.

“May I put the necklace on for you?” Conrad picks up the necklace and I feel cornered. How can I tell him no? He's been nothing but sweet, and all I can do is nod, moving to pick up my hair so he can clasp the necklace behind me. When he’s done, his fingers linger on my skin for a moment, and my breath catches in my throat. I have to do something, and soon, or I’m going to hurt him badly.

He returns to his seat, his lips curving up as he stares with a contemplative eye at his gift on my neck; the sight of it makes me shrink a little bit back into my seat.

“It looks beautiful.”

“Thank you.” I touch the necklace in appreciation before resuming my dinner. Conrad, on the other hand, seems pensive.

“So, what are you doing this weekend?” he asks out of nowhere.

Uh oh. This is dangerous territory. I can't exactly tell him I’m going on a trip with his best friend, who is also dating Astrid. “Er, the usual, I suppose. More studying.”

“That’s all?” he asks amid a quick chuckle. “Why don't you and I hang out? There's no pressure, but I'd love to see more of you.”

Shit. “Erm…” I take a long drink of my lassi as I stall for time. “Oh, this weekend?” I repeat with an excuse forming in the back of my mind. “I might actually go visit my family in the Netherlands.”

“Next weekend, maybe? You don't like surprises, so I won’t sneak you away like I had planned,” Conrad says with a hint of devilish humor in his voice.

I raise my eyebrows. “Is that what you do with most girls?”

He smirks. “I have an auction session next Saturday, but maybe we can get lunch afterward?”

“Maybe.” I keep it light and noncommittal. “I’m surprised you have time for me, considering it seems you have hundreds of friends.”

“Not really… Johan is my closest friend and the mate I hang out with the most. But I’m sure he and Astrid have plans. Their families are so close that they spend all sorts of time together. It’s like the whole town is waiting for them to get engaged.”

A hot stab of jealousy runs through me. I’m aware that people expect the two of them to end up together, but even just hearing him say the words as if there is no doubt in his mind makes me feel like a third wheel. “Sounds like it,” I reply shortly, wishing desperately for this date to end. Little does Conrad know that Johan definitely won’t be with Astrid. He'll be with me. “You said their families are close? I didn't know that.”

“Yeah,” Conrad says, pushing biryani around on his plate. “They knew each other before Astrid and Johan started dating. Their families are in the same social circles, I guess, and they were all over the moon when their children spent the summer together. The two of them getting engaged is basically expected at this point, even if Johan seems reluctant.”

Reluctant? My interest is piqued. Johan doesn't exactly strike me as a marrying man, but Conrad knows him better than I do. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. Johan isn't into the whole serious relationship thing. I know Astrid wants to move fast, but it's like he has no desire to commit at all.” Conrad levels a serious stare at me. “Don’t you dare repeat any of this to Astrid, by the way.”

My hopes sink a little bit. I know it's too early to expect anything, but Johan sounds like the kind of man who would have a friend with benefits—someone he can have fun with without any commitment or expectation. Maybe Johan won’t be serious about me, either.

“That must be hard on Astrid,” I murmur, and Conrad nods, eating the last of his meal.

“It can't be easy for her. She really likes him, but I’m not sure if he’s the settling down type.”

God, I feel miserable! I’ve grown so close to Astrid, and even if she and Johan aren't serious, how can I be considering sleeping with him? Not even considering it, but actually planning and looking forward to sleeping with him! Now I learn that their families are close and spend time together—how can I even compare?

Everything is stacked against me here. Astrid’s feelings for Johan, their parents’s friendships, the fact that Johan is technically my professor…what am I even doing? Does being with him feel good enough to mess everything up?

I push my food away, no longer hungry. “Ready to go?” Conrad asks, but he doesn't notice my distress, and I suppose he wouldn't since I’m doing my best to hide it.

“Mhm,” I drain the last of my lassi and get up. “I'll pay half.”

“Nonsense.” Conrad puts a hand on the small of my back, leading me down the stairs. “I was the one who asked you out. Don’t worry about it.”

“But I really insist.”

He gives me nothing but a side smile. “I insist more.”

Once we're outside, Conrad turns to face me, taking my hands in his. “This was really nice. I enjoy talking to you.” He smiles down at me. “Thank you for giving me a chance.”

“Of course,” I hesitate. I don't want to hurt him, but it feels like that is the inevitable conclusion to our date.

“Hannah?” He reaches up to brush some hair out of my eyes, but I step back instantly.

“You know what?” I try to play it cool, but my posture tenses. “It’s getting late, and, eh, I’m tired. Can you walk me home?”

Conrad agrees easily, and we walk back across campus, arm in arm. We're mostly quiet, and I can feel the mood souring as we get closer and closer to my building. When we arrive at the entrance door, he looks disappointed but doesn't comment. “Thank you for dinner,” I say again, trying to soften the blow. “I had a nice time.”

"Did you?” he questions, raising his eyebrows.

“Of course.”

“Then why are you acting so weird? Did I do something wrong?” Conrad steps closer, and I back up towards my dorm door.

“No, of course not,” I search for an excuse. “I’m just not really...into dating. I’m just a fresher, after all. I really want to focus on school this year. I’ve been wanting to go to Cambridge for my entire life.”

Conrad sighs, but he looks understanding. “I get it.” He nods with a pensive expression. “Maybe we can take things slow?”

I seize onto the lifeline he’s offered.

“Yes!” I agree quickly. “I do enjoy our time together.”

Conrad brightens. “So next weekend after this one—lunch after the auction?”

Shit. “Ok,” I agree hesitantly.

“Great.” He cups my face and leans in, and I allow the kiss but turn my head to take it on the cheek. It isn't terrible, and Conrad is very charming, but my heart isn't truly invested at all.

All I can think about, unfortunately, is Johan.

A few hours have passed, and I’ve just finished taking my evening shower and putting on a pair of pajamas—silk shorts and a camisole—when there is a knock at the door. I left my phone on my desk, and before answering the door I check it to see if there are any hints about who might be out in the hallway. My suspicions are confirmed when I see a message from Johan reading, I’m stopping by to get those pieces .

Damn. I guess it isn't enough to have to deal with Conrad; now I have to see the man responsible for all my desires and all my guilt. With my throat tight, I pull the door open.

“Why did you have to come over? I could’ve given them to you.”

The look on Johan's face is a million miles away from being fake. His eyes widen briefly at how scantily I’m dressed, unintentionally, and then they go heated. “Did you dress like this for me?”

I cross my arms for modesty, knowing that it's silly since he’s basically seen all of my upper half, but I’m unable to help the instinct. “It’s just pajamas.”

“I like them.” He leans on the doorframe, looking down at me. “Bring them this weekend.”

Looking past him and out into the hallway to make sure no one hears the scandalous things he’s saying, I pull him into my dorm by the wrist, which makes him laugh. “You don't have to worry,” he points out. “You’re the only student who knows me. Everyone else is from other departments.”

“And? You said the uni has a strict policy,” I remind him, my tone serious and rushed.

His eyes lock on mine. “That doesn’t mean I can’t come and take what has been stolen from said-uni.”

Despite his harsh reminder, I need to keep my thoughts in order, but having him here in my room makes me feel all over the place. He's dressed in a gray jumper with the Cambridge logo on the front and a pair of well-worn jeans, so cozy and casual it looks like he belongs here with me. I want to grab handfuls of his jumper and pull him backward in the all-too-close bed or slide my hands under it to feel the warmth of his skin and the hard lines of his muscles. Johan has awakened some monster inside me that I’m having a hard time putting back to bed.

I realize we've just been standing here for an extended time, so I rush over to my nightstand, where my treasures reside, and give him what he came for. “Fine, let me get you those pieces.”

I almost jump out of my skin when I feel Johan behind me, his huge hands on my shoulders. “Hannah, are you alright? You’re so tense.”

Letting out a slow breath, I stand up straight, hands still on the handle of the drawer. “Nothing is wrong. I’m just trying to get you what you came for.”

“That's not the only thing I came for.” I feel his lips brush against the shell of my ear. “Maybe I just wanted to see you, too.”

Forcing myself to ignore him and the powerful urge to lean back into his touch, I open the drawer and pull out the pieces I had taken from both shows. I underestimated how strange it’d be to hold them in the presence of someone else, let alone someone who knows where the treasures came from. A part of me screams in denial as I start to hand them over, and the urge to pull them away and hold them close to my heart is strong. It says a lot about how much trust I have in Johan that I’m able to hand them over with only slightly shaking hands.

Johan carefully takes them from me, wrapping them in a soft cloth he had in his pocket. He looks equal parts relieved and sad. I snap the drawer shut, turning to face him.

“Well, you saw me.” I can't meet his eyes, so I study the Cambridge logo on his shirt. “Thanks for stopping by.”

He sets the pieces down on my nightstand with infinite gentleness, and his hand comes under my chin, forcing me to look up. “What's wrong? You don’t look okay.”

If Conrad noticed my sudden shift in mood, there is no way Johan wouldn’t. He's far too perceptive. “Nothing is wrong.” I evade the question, trying to step back. Johan doesn't let me, keeping a hand on my hip and a finger under my chin.

“That's not true,” he insists, stepping closer to me. I have nowhere to go but backward until the backs of my knees hit the mattress, and I sit down on the edge of the bed. To my horror, Johan follows me, kneeling down on the floor and spreading my thighs so he can get even closer. He looks up at me, one hand resting on my knee. “Tell me, Hannah. Is Conrad giving you trouble?”

My eyes widen. This is not a conversational path I want to go down. “No, of course not. He was perfectly nice.”

Jaw clenching, Johan looks like he wants to argue, but then he notices the necklace Conrad had bought me. I had almost forgotten about it and put a self-conscious hand up to my throat. Johan touches it, thumb stroking the gold for a moment. “Conrad is nice,” he agrees grudgingly. “But you’re not interested in him. And this necklace doesn't suit you. I could give you better.”

“Johan—” I start, unsure of how I’m going to finish that sentence. Does he mean jewelry? Why does it feel like he is offering more than a piece of jewelry? Then, I have a realization. “You knew he bought me this stuff. I heard you arguing about it when I was hiding at your apartment. I guess I let it slip my mind.”

Johan frowns, fingers moving up to stroke the column of my throat, making me shiver. “He shouldn't buy you things, especially since you aren't interested in him. Conrad just doesn't know how to respect boundaries.”

Feeling overwhelmed, I move his hand away, letting it drop to the bed. “I accepted the date. I didn't have to. Don’t be jealous, Professor.”

Frustration flashes in his eyes, and Johan stands up. “Jealous? Do I have a reason to be jealous? Conrad is nice, but he isn't good enough for you.” Johan runs a frustrated hand through his hair, pacing the small area between my nightstand and the bed. “You have no idea what I’d do for you, what I will do to you when we're on our own this weekend.”

The air in the dorm feels hot and charged, and the two of us look at each other, tension thick. We're treading on dangerous territory—anything could happen. One more push from him, one more touch, and I think I’m going to fold. I have to stop this now if I want to say my piece.

“About that, I, eh… I can’t do this to Astrid.”

Johan crosses his arms, still looking incredibly unhappy. “Astrid isn't relevant, don't bring her up.”

“She is.” Standing up and crossing the space between us, I get close enough that I can reach out and touch the Cambridge logo. But the way Johan's eyes heat makes me feel anything but safe. “Conrad told me tonight that your parents are close to hers, and it's almost like an arranged match between you two. All of them expect you to get engaged to her.”

Johan grabs me by the hips, pulling me even closer and pressing me flush against him. I can feel how hard he is and bite back a gasp. “None of that matters. Astrid and I aren't serious. Not in my eyes.” He pauses for a beat, his eyes on mine. “My parents could expect me to marry a royal princess, and it wouldn’t make a difference—I don't care about anyone but you, so what are you trying to say?”

His emotions are high, anger having completely faded until the only thing left on his face is a vulnerable affection as he looks down at me. Johan is holding me tightly, but I feel emboldened by his words. Could he feel that strongly about me? “I’m saying…” I take a deep breath and, meeting his gaze, proceed. “Conrad invited me on another date next weekend.” Johan cuts eye contact in annoyance, letting out a loud, exasperated breath. “I didn’t want to, but I agreed because I felt guilty about what we did yesterday.” Then, silence settles between us, so I shut my eyes for an instant and let the reality of my actions sink in. “I don’t want to go behind Astrid’s back, even if you don't care about her.” Johan starts chuckling, his head shaking in displeasure, but I continue, “She’s my friend. It doesn’t matter if I haven’t known her that long; I care about her. Even if you don't love her, I know you care about and respect her, too.”

Johan slides one hand up my spine, cupping the back of my neck and tangling his hand in my hair. “Astrid and I have only ever been casual. This thing between you and me is so much different. We've wanted this for so long. I’m not a fool.”

“Johan,” I whisper, my voice trembling with more than just nervousness. It’s a struggle to keep my thoughts straight with him so close, with the promise of the weekend hanging in the air. “You know Astrid has got strong feelings for you. This can't go on.”

“And what exactly do you feel for me?” He questions immediately, his other hand coming up to cup my cheek. I don't answer, my silence telling him everything. “Hannah…” his voice is low and enticing, a deliberate caress in each syllable of my name. He strokes my bottom lip with his thumb. “I want you so badly. Conrad isn't right for you.” He then leans closer to my ear and, keeping his voice just as low, adds, “Just imagine all the things I’m going to do to you… how can you deny yourself that?”

I shut my eyes as I try to tame my racing heart. My voice has gone breathy, and I lean into his touch. “I feel like I’m going insane. I... I have feelings for you. You know I do. But that doesn't change anything.” I keep my eyes shut, and doing so feels like a small death. “You need to leave.”

Johan leans down, brushing his lips against mine, but it isn't quite a kiss. “Hannah, look at me.”

I shake my head, and he presses his lips against mine again, harder this time. “Open your eyes. Look at me.”

Complying reluctantly, I meet his eyes, which are so heated and full of affection that I nearly cry. I have to be strong. “Please go, Johan. We're just dragging this out.”

Johan kisses me a third time, longer and firmer, and I’m helpless to kiss him back, clutching his hoodie in my fists.

He caresses the column of my throat, and I arch into the touch. “I can end whatever is going on with Astrid if you prefer.”

“Astrid is smart enough to find out the truth.” Pondering further, I add, “She’ll figure out you’re doing it because of another woman—because of me.”

He looks me in the eye, his expression deepening. “And what if she does? Why do her feelings matter so much?”

His question makes me pull away from him, anger building up inside me. “Because I’ve never had a friend as kind as her before,” I fess up, my emotions lacing my tone. “I’m not going to ruin my relationship with her.”

Johan rakes me with his eyes from head to toe, lingering on my face. “For the last time, you’re not doing anything wrong. I told Astrid that we were not serious and were not in a relationship. I’m not cheating on her with you.”

Flustered, I throw my hands in the air. “She’s my friend, Johan! She’s my friend, and I’m betraying her trust. The least we can do is stop now before it goes any further.”

He curses under his breath, but I know that I’ve won. Like me, I suspect that he’s just been pushing away his guilt and regrets regarding Astrid. Now that I’ve opened the floodgates, I bet that it's all hitting him just as hard as it's been hitting me. Poor Astrid, she deserves a better friend than me and a better partner than Johan.

Johan's hands open and close in fists, like he’s fighting not to touch me, but with an enormous breath, he finally relents. “Fine. I'll leave. But we aren't done talking about this.”

I give him a watery smile. “Oh, I figured as much.” Then, quieter, full of feelings I shouldn't have, I add, “Goodnight, Prof.”

He stops in the doorway and looks at me over his shoulder. “This isn't over.”