Hate & Chaos : The Complete Duet

30. Ren

30

REN

“ S o, how are we feeling today?” Dr. Stone folds her hands in her lap and wears a knowing smile. I still get the feeling she knows more about me than I do. Even after all these weeks of sitting with her and opening myself up, I haven’t gotten used to it.

“Pretty much the same as our last session.” It amazes me that I don’t feel threatened anymore. I did for so long, nervous and afraid to share secrets I held inside for years. Now it’s like we’re having a normal conversation. Just two people sitting around, shooting the shit. It just so happens one of us is being paid for it.

“Any visits from River lately?”

I hold up one finger, and as stupid as it is, I feel a little proud. “It wasn’t bad. I think I was overwhelmed at the time. It didn’t last long—according to Scarlet, anyway. She said he was there, then he was gone. I barely noticed any time passed.”

“What were you overwhelmed about? What set it off?”

The fact that she has to ask leaves me laughing a little. “I mean, do I need anything else? I’m gonna be a father.”

Her head tips to the side. “I thought you were happy about that?”

“I am,” I tell her right away. There shouldn’t be any doubt about that. “But it’s a lot. It’s overwhelming.”

“But not in a bad way?”

Shaking my head, I tell her, “Oh, no. Not in a bad way at all. I mean, it’s not like I planned this. It’s not the kind of thing you grow up imagining happening. But it’s a good thing. It’s really good.”

She sighs like she’s relieved. “That’s wonderful. I’m happy for both of you. This is a nice, fresh beginning. New life.”

I know what she’s saying. I completely agree. But… “I wonder if I can be a good parent after everything I went through.”

“You’ve never had anything but positive things to say about Sophie and Roman. Have you been holding something back?”

I see where she’s going with this, and I have to laugh softly at myself when I look at it that way. “No, they’re great. They did more for me and Luna than they had to, for sure.”

“That’s what parents do. That’s what you’re going to do for your child. Focus on those good things we’ve talked about. Use the techniques we’ve developed to work through those moments of uncertainty when you’re feeling the most agitated or confused.”

That’s what’s been getting me through lately. “Right. Thank you. I just needed to talk it out, I guess.”

“How far along is Scarlet now?”

“Twelve weeks. First trimester over, and she was hardly aware.”

The doctor chuckles softly. “Lucky girl. Everything’s going well?”

“Sure. She’s great. Her parents… Xander’s not throwing a party or anything, but he’s not threatening to kill me, either.”

Her lips twitch. “That’s a very good start.”

And it is. Finally, I have a new start. No more hiding secrets in the shadows, no more living in darkness. No more being afraid to reach out for the light, because now I know there’s someone there who will take my hand. There’s no flailing around, lost and confused. I know who I am and where I want to be.

Once our session is over, I turn my thoughts to something that’s been on my mind for weeks. Each day that passes takes us one day closer to the baby being born. There are some decisions to be made, big ones. If this is really going to be a new start, it means going into it with a clean slate.

Can I do that? Can I live with knowing New Haven still exists? I might have to. Rebecca is gone. If I go in there with guns blazing, all alone—which I would be, since Xander has already refused to get involved with the Russians—what would come out of it besides my death? It would mean my baby being raised without a father. I wouldn’t do that to them, and I sure as hell wouldn’t do it to Scarlet.

I love her enough and love our unborn child enough to make the decision to let go. I can’t save the world. I need to put this behind me once and for all, which means accepting the things I can’t change. Isn’t that part of the serenity prayer? Serenity has never been something I’ve strived for, but I’m starting to understand it might not be such a bad idea. I can’t live the rest of my life full of hate, craving vengeance. It’s time for something new and better.

Which is why, even though my heart is banging against my ribs like a drum, and my knees are shaking a hell of a lot harder than I would ever admit to anyone, I leave my room and head downstairs, where I know I’ll find Xander. I wouldn’t be surprised if he slept in his office, he spends so much time in there. There’s something almost comforting about it, though. Knowing what to expect.

His brows lift when I knock. “How did it go with the doctor?”

“It went well. I get the feeling she’s ready to be done with me.”

Sitting back in his chair, he nods, gesturing for me to have a seat before I have the chance to ask if I can take it. I wonder if he would be so generous if he knew why I’m paying this visit. “You’ve improved greatly. It makes sense your sessions would become fewer and further between. I’m sure she’ll want to follow up with you from time to time—it might be a good idea to advocate for that. Just to be sure things are still going smoothly. I know it’s been hard work, and I give you a great deal of credit.”

As much as I love hearing this and appreciate it, I also wish he wouldn’t say it. His whole attitude is going to change in about five seconds. “There’s something I wanted to talk to you about,” I begin after clearing my throat. Why is this so hard? Oh, right, because it’s probably the most important decision I’ve ever made, and my entire life hangs in the balance. No big deal.

“Go ahead. What’s on your mind?”

I find it hard to believe he doesn’t at least have a clue, but then he might want to let me dangle a little rather than make this easy on me. It’s sort of a father’s prerogative, I guess. “I’m just going to say it flat-out. I want to ask Scarlet to marry me. But first, I wanted to get your blessing.”

I’m only trying to do the right thing. I mean, I would’ve asked her to marry me anyway. That’s always been in my heart. It just so happened a bunch of other shit got in the way.

Now, with the baby, it seems more important than ever to make us a real, solid family. I want to do right by her. I want to be able to protect her and the baby. And I want to say all of that, I do, but something about Xander’s penetrative stare makes it hard to put the feelings into words. I can’t help thinking it would all sound hopelessly pathetic if I tried to explain what I’m thinking. Xander is not the guy who talks about feelings—neither am I, for that matter.

Besides, why would I bother struggling to find the words when I’m sure he’ll cut me off and throw me out of his house for good? It has to be what’s on his mind as he sits there staring at me from the other side of the enormous desk between us. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t blink. What did I expect? For him to welcome me into the family with open arms?

His eyes close. He takes a deep breath. I’m about to get my ass handed to me. Good thing Scarlet is worth it.

The man keeps me waiting for much too long before, finally, a slow smile tugs at the corners of his mouth. “It’s about time.”

I can’t believe my ears any more than I believe what my eyes are telling me. He actually looks happy. “Seriously? You mean that?”

“It’s a shame you got things a little backward, is all.” When I give him a confused look, he explains, “You’re supposed to get married before you knock my daughter up, Ren. But I suppose I can forgive you.”

“I can’t wait to bring the baby out here.” Scarlet’s arm is wrapped around mine, her head leaning against my shoulder while we walk through the garden. The aroma of new spring flowers perfumes the breeze. In a few months, the air will be thick with bees and butterflies and so much color will spread across the grounds. I like the idea of bringing the baby out here, too.

The sun is warm on my neck and shoulders, and there’s a sweet breeze stirring Scarlet’s hair and the long, flowing dress she wears. It’s the kind of perfect day that gives a person hope. It’s always so much easier to have hope on a day like this. “How are you feeling?” I ask her.

“Same as I was the last time you asked me that question.” There’s a lot of love in her voice. She looks up at me, grinning. “I feel great. I really do. I didn’t think I could ever be this happy.”

Still, her footsteps falter after a while, and I know why. There’s a lot I don’t remember, a lot of bits and pieces banging around inside my skull. But I remember taking her from this place. Out here in the garden, where we wrestled in the mud while the rain beat down on us and thunder and lightning crackled through the air. On a day like this, it’s hard to believe that night ever took place.

“What is that over there?” I slow my pace, gravel crunching under my shoes, while I point toward a hedge of roses whose buds are just beginning to develop.

“What’s what?” Scarlet releases my arm and takes a few steps toward the hedge.

“There’s something there. Is it paper?”

“I think it is.” She snatches the folded paper out of the crisscrossing stems, unfolding it slowly. I have to take a second to admire how beautiful she is right now. With the sun shining on her hair, painting her skin golden. She is truly an angel placed on earth just for me.

“I stole you from this place once,” she murmurs, reading the message printed on the paper. “But you stole my heart long before that.”

By the time she turns, eyes wide and full of questions, I’m on one knee. It makes her fall back a step with a hand against her chest, and a disbelieving laugh bursts out of her before she asks, “What is this? Is this real?”

“It’s real.” Just as real as the box in my back pocket, which I now pull out. Mom practically insisted on giving me a ring that’s been in the family for years, and I open the box to present it to Scarlet. My angel. “You’re all I’ll ever want. Your happiness, your safety, that’s what my life is all about now. Please, tell me you’ll let me spend the rest of my life devoted to nothing more than you and our family. I can’t promise I’m always going to make it easy for you, but I will always love you with everything in me. Do you think you could take a chance and become my wife?”

The thing is, she doesn’t even look at the ring. She’s too busy staring at me, hands covering her mouth, her eyes filling with tears. Happy tears? I sure as hell hope so. I’ve never understood until this very moment what it means to have my life completely in somebody else’s hands. My future, all of me, it’s all wrapped up in her.

“Of course I will,” she squeaks out, head bobbing up and down. The sun that already shone so bright is now dazzling as I stand and hold out my arms for her to throw herself into them. I’m holding the entire world now, everything that matters most. I’m never letting go.

“I love you.” She takes my face in her hands, beaming up at me before our mouths meet in the sweetest, most tender kiss. The sort of kiss that marks new beginnings. Her tears wet my cheeks by the time she pulls back, laughing and crying all at once. “I love you so much. I can’t believe this. We’re getting married.”

Taking her left hand, I slide the four-carat diamond solitaire over her ring finger. “It’s official now. No turning back.”

“As if I want to.”

After taking a second to admire the platinum band, she takes me by the back of the neck with that hand and pulls me in for another kiss.