Haunt Your Heart Out

Chapter 25

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

A cycle of snow-then-melt-then-snow meant my driveway was a slushy mess. I had to climb out of bed early to shove the heavy, wet snow from my windshield before work. The driveway slush was bound to freeze up solid as the temperature dropped, but that was a problem for later-Lex. Now-Lex had other concerns.

The post-Christmas vibe at Dog-Eared was just as gloomy as the salt- and sand-darkened snowbanks that lined the streets. Though our Christmastime rush was never huge, the lack of patrons always left the space feeling a little less bright.

I was on autopilot for most of the morning. I plucked misplaced books from the coffee tables and windowsills and nestled them on shelves where they belonged. The consignment piles got sorted into “keep” and “we’ve already got a dozen,” and I set aside any that included inscriptions worth adding to my collection.

The slushy snow kept most people off the sidewalks, aside from the dedicated few regulars who popped in for a coffee, chat, and paperback. And Natalie, who could never be more than five feet from a caffeinated drink at any given time.

The bell rang as she came through the front door. “Why did it have to snow just enough that people need a plow, but not enough that it’s any fun?” She stomped the icy build-up from the tread of her boots. “I’ve got five houses to go, but most of them are still away for the holidays so I’m not rushing.”

I examined the inside cover of a dusty old paperback, then dropped the book into the “book sale” pile when I found it blank. “Please tell me you have some new family stories to tell? I could use the boost.”

“Uh oh,” she said when she glimpsed my face.

I pressed my lips together to keep them from trembling. The urge to dump everything on her was strong—and her alarmingly on-point insight was especially needed at the moment. “Yeah.”

“So, I hear you told James about the tampering?” Natalie said.

“I shared the general plot, but he didn’t stick around for the end credits to roll.”

“Oh, film reference. Very dark, very brooding.”

I narrowed my eyes at her. “Could you not mock my pain, please?”

She rolled her eyes. “Okay, okay. I’m sorry. What happened then, after you told him?”

“We argued. I told him I fell for him. Then I let him walk away.”

Natalie clasped a hand over her mouth. “Lex, you didn’t.”

“I can’t hear the words again, Nat. I just can’t. I’m so tired of being left behind. Do you think we ruined the film?”

“He and Julian were deep in discussion about their plan last night.”

“Oh shit. Is Julian mad at you? How did everyone else take it?”

She moved into the café and started making herself a drink. “Julian’s freaking out about post-production, so he’s been holed up in the apartment splicing and superimposing or whatever. There was a lot of action happening. Everyone crowded around the monitors, and they crawled through the film, tallying each story we’d fed them.”

“Oh. You were, uh, there for all of it, then?”

“Some of it, anyway. I mostly stayed out of the way, but I wasn’t going to abandon them when they were cleaning up our mess. I mean, we did this to their project, you know? I was so caught up with a chance at reliving the old days that I didn’t stop to think. Beyond the filming setup, I’m useless. It was literally the very least I could do.”

“Do you know what they cut, then? Everything we helped with? Mary?”

“I don’t have that kind of inside info, I’m sorry. They asked my opinion a few times, but I mostly played the role of silent observer. By the time I went home, they had a plan and were deep in the weeds, but they’re probably still working on cleaning it up ahead of the deadline.”

“Ugh, I know. I know , and I feel terrible. I guess my screwup means a clean break, since they’re off for bigger and better things soon.”

“It’ll be a month or so before they pack up and move on. Julian says they can’t submit to festivals until the results of the competition are announced. But even if it doesn’t win the contest, this documentary is for sure going to get into a festival. They’re ready to start pitching all kinds of events as soon as they’re clear, though. You should see the organization; you’d be jealous. Spreadsheets and color-coded systems. It’s amazing.”

“Fab.” I drummed my fingertips against the stack of books. Natalie was extra calm about the fact that they’d all be picking up and hitting the road in a few weeks—but she’d never said she and Julian were anything serious. Just a bit of fun with the tourist filmmaker, nothing more. Not like me, who—despite my best efforts—couldn’t help but get attached even when I’d known all along that James was leaving.

“Looks like we’ll both be flying solo again, so I guess we’ll have to resume our weekly breakfast dates and laugh about my lack of sense.”

“Sure, I’m all yours every weekend. For the next few weeks, anyway.”

“Oh, you had a taste of hanging out with other people, and now you think breakfast with me is too boring to commit to more than a few weeks at a time?”

“Not exactly,” Nat said, swallowing as she shifted her gaze. “I’m thinking of making a change. A big one. A life-altering one.” When I didn’t reply, she explained. “I accepted a job.”

“A job? That’s amazing! Doing what? Tell me all about it!” I’d never considered that she’d want to change careers—but she could do anything.

“The boss is someone you know. He’s talented, and creative, and is a fantastic manager.”

We lived in one of the most artsy towns on the planet so it could have described anyone.

“And the job involves quite a bit of travel.” When I didn’t reply, Natalie grasped my shoulders and looked me in the eye. “I’m joining Julian’s crew. He mentioned needing to hire one more crewmember, and when I joked about wanting the position, he said he’d teach me what I needed to know. I was totally kidding. At first. But the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to. It’s too good to pass up, you know?”

I blinked and willed my mouth to work, but producing sound was beyond me. There was no voice, even for argument.

She reached to grasp both of my hands in hers. “Please don’t hate me. I think I’ve grown beyond this place, Lex. My parents have everything running like a machine, always have. They don’t need me for anything.”

“What about when they want to retire, then?”

“ My parents, retire? Are you joking? My dad runs three businesses and thinks weekends are for learning new skills.”

I fisted my long sleeves in each hand and tried to keep my tone even and accepting. I was losing. “You’ve never mentioned wanting to leave before. Why now?”

“I never wanted to stay here. Everyone else—you, included—assumed I’d stick around, work at the inn and tree farm, take over the business someday. Everyone thought I’d follow in my parents’ footsteps, continue the life they built. But leaving was always so tempting.”

I had been so focused on James that I hadn’t considered the other ways this could have gone. James and Julian were a duo. Siskel and Ebert, except with ghosts. A pair, destined to stick together ’til death or a Hollywood-style feud tore them apart. Natalie leaving was never on my radar.

I crossed my arms to shield my heart. “You can’t just leave!”

“And you can’t just live life like you did when you were seventeen. Sometimes you’ve got to grow up and move on. I’ve been working at my parents’ inn since I could walk. It’s crushing me. I haven’t had a chance to learn who I am because I’m stuck in their shadow. Everything I do, I do for them. That’s the expectation. That’s what I get if I stay here. I’m suffocating.”

“If that’s suffocation, bring it on. At least you have family who cares and wants you around.”

Natalie’s mouth fell open. “Open your eyes, Lex. Are you forgetting that you have family here, too? Sure, not by blood, but when have my parents ever turned you away for anything? You have me, whether we live in the same town or not. And you know what else you have? The town. The whole, entire town. An entire population that thinks you’re some kind of royalty, because you’re Thomas’s granddaughter. If you want to shut out an entire support system, be my guest. That’s your choice, but you can’t hate me for wanting to find what I’m good at because it takes one person out of your bubble.”

“You didn’t even give me a heads up,” I said. A shiver ran through my spine as every emotion bombarded me at once. Sadness, pride, fear, confusion, excitement.

“ I barely had a heads up.” Natalie tipped her head and let a guarded smile slip. “He offered while you were visiting your family, and it didn’t seem like an appropriate time to mention, you know … everything. But, now that it’s out there, how do you feel?”

“Which part, the film festival tour in the making, or the fact that my ‘everyone always leaves’ streak is still going strong?”

“It’s not everybody leaving.” She threw her head backward and rolled her eyes. “It’s only me.”

“And you’re bigger than everyone to me.” I inhaled, sucking back the sob threatening to escape, and dabbed the tears from beneath my eyes with the pads of my pinky fingers. “But because you mean so much to me, I accept that this is the right choice for you, and I hope it is everything you have ever dreamed. You’re going to be okay, right? I mean, who is going to make you a coffee every morning?”

She smiled. “I will be fine, Lex. I promise. How about you?”

“I’ll survive.”

Natalie scurried around the edge of the desk and wrapped her arms around me to pull me into a giant, comforting hug. Her jacket’s rough waterproof shell scratched against my cheek as she rocked me back and forth in the embrace.

Natalie’s arms tightened around me for a second before she released, pushed me back by the shoulders, and squatted to look me in the eye.

“You could come too, you know. I doubt they’d limit the invitation.”

“Yeah, if any of them are even talking to me still, I’m sure they’d let me hop on board. I’d rather take my chances here, with the house repair bills and bookstore that I’ll never, ever own, than see the frustration on their faces or hear them say no.”

“So you’re just going to give up? Do any of those books you read have happy endings? Or do all the characters just give up and watch their potential futures burn in front of their eyes?”

I raised my eyebrows. “I read mostly classics and weird as hell fantasy, and you’re talking to me about happily ever after?”

“I apologize, I forgot that you’re never leaving that emo mindset behind. Listen. We’re all leaving. Soon. And you’re going to lose James if you don’t do something. Get out of your comfort zone and make something happen. Call. Him. I can’t fix everything for you if your default is to ignore the problem.”

I hated it when she was right. I’d ruined everything. I lied and hurt him. And now I had to take the next step or pay the consequences.

I ripped my phone out of my pocket and swiped into my recent calls to select his number. My heart pounded as it dialed, then sunk as the call went straight to voice mail.

“And what if he doesn’t answer?”

“Then try again,” Natalie said, squeezing my arm gently. “And breathe. I’m on my way out but call, anytime, as always. I’m here.”

“You got it, boss.” I tossed a little box of maple candy to her, and she caught it in her coffee-free hand. “And Natalie? I’m incredibly proud of you. I know it didn’t seem like it, but I am. When I have a chance to process everything, I want to hear all about your plans. I’ll help you pack?”

“I’m looking forward to it.” Nat pulled the door closed behind her, leaving the bell ringing.

I intended to sleep in my book nook that night. James had forgotten a sweater in my room, so I pulled it over my head like some lovesick girl who needed to assess her priorities.

Sleep wasn’t easy, but neither was wakefulness.

Things I was set to lose: James.

Things I’d always have: a fear of loss.

How hard would it have been to uproot myself, offer to go along with him? I did like to travel. But no, I wasn’t leaving my world behind for some guy whom I’d only just met. Life wasn’t like that. You couldn’t drop everything to follow love. Could you?

Even if I could scrape together the money to travel, I’d come home and the house would still need fixing. It would always need fixing. Each time I paid someone to come in, they found another issue.

I wasn’t ready to give up on the bookstore, either. If I couldn’t have Dog-Eared, maybe I could talk to someone about starting my own—if not here, now, then at least somewhere, sometime.

I spread my arms and legs wide, making a giant X on the floor, pulling breath from way down in my belly and letting my limbs relax. I couldn’t force the sleep to come, but maybe I could trick my body into restfulness.

I peeked at my lock screen—ignoring the fact that the background featured me, James, and Lulu on one of our wintery walks. It was only three minutes after nine. No wonder I couldn’t settle.

I unlocked my phone and scrolled mindlessly, looking for something—anything—to get my mind off James. I couldn’t go with him, and clean break meant a clean break . A BuzzFeed article about books zipped past, so I scrolled back to it.

“Top Five Classics, Ranked,” the article promised. J. D. Salinger and James Joyce tied for first, which was kind of a total cop-out on BuzzFeed’s part. But, also, it was a complete bore of a list. The Catcher in the Rye always topped lists as an unmissable read. Yeah, it had merit—but where were the roundups that spotlighted James Baldwin, Salman Rushdie, and Zora Neale Hurston?

Maybe I could pick up a side gig writing listicles—at least I’d throw a few new titles into the fray. I dropped my phone and stared at the ceiling instead. It was far more interesting than the articles selling overrated books from online retailers, probably for affiliate payment too, lining their pockets while I scraped to make the smallest dream a reality.