Haven Bound

21. Chelsea

21

Chelsea

The suite is bathed in soft sunlight when I wake the next morning, my mind in a sleepy haze. Dragging my body up slowly to sit with my back pressed against the headboard, I blink several times in an attempt to clear away the mental fog.

Hailey is sitting up in bed beside me, her laptop propped up on top of a pillow in her lap as her fingers fly across the keyboard. “What time is it?” I ask, my voice coming out in a raspy whisper.

“Almost ten a.m. I didn’t want to wake you,” she replies, finishing up whatever she was typing and then setting the laptop down on the nightstand on her side of the bed. “How are you feeling?” I’m not sure that I even know how to answer that question. Truthfully, so many emotions are flooding through that it’s impossible to choose which one to cling to.

I feel fucking ridiculous for even getting myself into this situation in the first place, for ever thinking that Jason was a good man and wouldn’t ever do anything to harm me. I feel terrible for getting my friends involved and dragging them into this mess alongside me. I feel scared to return to the bakery which is maybe the most heartbreaking feeling that I’m currently facing. Buttersweet is supposed to be my paradise, and Jason is ruining that for me with each passing day .

But I also feel loved and cared for by the way Hailey, Austin, and Ethan have all shown up for me. That feeling in itself brings on a slew of different emotions that I probably should be protecting my heart from.

I shouldn’t be feeling love or any emotion even close to that for Austin. Not with the way he left without warning all those years ago and still hasn’t told me why. I want to ask him, but I’m terrified of his answer. Because… What if the answer is that I never meant anything to him, that everything that happened between us was all in my head, or was just a way for him to pass the time? That’s something that I don’t think I would ever recover from.

“I don’t really know how I’m feeling, Hails,” I tell her. Except that’s not exactly true. I’m just feeling far too many things all at once and it would be way too much to unload this early in the morning, or maybe ever.

“Pick one,” she responds. I give her a tight-lipped smile. It’s like she knows me better than I know myself. While it can be infuriating at times, in moments like this it’s a welcome thing. She knows that I’d likely be feeling a multitude of emotions but giving a brush-off answer is easier than laying it all on the line.

So, instead, I go with the most prominent emotion I’m feeling. The one that fills my chest with warmth and comfort and shards of glass all at once.

“I feel… confused. Your brother has given me an intense case of whiplash, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it.” He’s everything that I’ve ever wanted, everything that I’ve ever needed, but he still fucking left like I meant nothing to him. I’d like to think that he’s back in Haven Beach to stay, but I haven’t been given any answers .

Hailey sighs and turns in the bed to face me, her legs folded crisscross underneath her as her bright blue eyes search mine. Her chestnut brown hair and sapphire eyes are nearly identical to Austin’s, but that’s where their similarities end. Her skin has always been flawless whereas scars and ink now decorate his from what I’ve seen.

“Do…” Hailey hesitates as if she’s trying to find the right words to say. “Do you think you still have feelings for him?” Her question kind of throws me off-guard. I was always honest with her back in high school about how I felt about Austin. But I also made it a point to keep a lot of the things between us to myself because I was never really sure how Hailey would respond to my feelings for her brother. If it ended poorly, would that ruin our friendship?

Of course, that concern was no longer an issue when Austin left. My heart was shattered, but my friendship with Hailey was left intact.

“I don’t think my feelings for Austin ever went away, Hails. They were just set aside for a while because I didn’t think I had any other choice. I needed to move on with my life and give my heart a chance to heal after he disappeared. It would’ve been so easy to completely sink into the darkness without him.” My mind is spinning with memories of those first days after he’d left.

I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t want to talk to anybody. I didn’t even want to get out of bed. I gave myself one week to wallow in my sadness and heartbreak. Then I did everything that I could possibly think of to close the door on that chapter of my life.

“Chelsea,” Hailey sighs and buries her face in her hands for a brief moment before she sits up and reaches across the bed to place her hand on my knee in a comforting gesture. “You need to know when Austin left…” She shakes her head, her gaze failing to meet mine as she pulls her hand back. “He didn’t have a choice, Chels."

“Why wouldn’t he have a choice? Why couldn’t he tell me that?”

She softly shakes her head again before she says, “That’s not something I can tell you. You need to talk to him about it.”

Frustrated, I throw the sheets off and climb out of the bed. Her words do nothing to ease the confusion clouding my mind. If anything, they only add to it. If Hailey knew that her brother didn’t have any other option, if she knew the entire time that he was going to leave when he did… that thought alone has my eyes brimming with tears. All she had to do was tell me. I could’ve potentially avoided all of this doubt and heartache.

I don’t understand why he didn’t have any choice other than to leave, and even if that’s true, why couldn’t he have told me that before he left? I would’ve understood… I would’ve gone with him. He didn't have to leave me abandoned in the darkness, picking up the pieces of my life and trying to pretend that my heart had never been his.

“ You should have told me, Hails. You knew how I felt about him. You saw how broken I was when he left. Yet you said nothing! Don’t you think I would’ve wanted to know that leaving wasn’t his choice?”

She stands from her place on the bed, her arms crossing over her chest in defense. “It wasn’t my place to tell you, Chelsea. It still isn’t. There are things about my family, about what we do and who we are….” She trails off as though she’s fighting an internal battle with herself. “I love you, Chels. But this secret… It’s not only mine. I can’t be the one to tell you. I wish you knew. I wish I could be the one to tell you. Just… talk to Austin. Please. ”

Hailey’s voice comes out in a tremble, and I can only imagine how much she’s struggling to keep this information from me. It doesn’t ease the hurt I feel knowing that she’s been hiding something from me, but I can’t say that I blame her. I know that I haven’t been completely honest with her about everything I’ve dealt with in my life. But I still don’t know how I’m supposed to feel.

I always thought that Austin left me without hesitation or a second thought. If what Hailey is saying is true, then I know that I need to be vulnerable and open with him. He needs to know how shattered I was when he left. And maybe I need to give him the chance to tell me his side of the story.

Not long after our argument, Hailey left the suite to head downstairs to her office for work, leaving me alone with my thoughts. With the stress of everything that happened yesterday, I failed to call my mom back. As much as I’d really rather avoid whatever stress she’s going to add to my plate, I know that I shouldn’t ignore her.

It takes a few rings before she finally answers.

“Hi, sweetie,” she says, a hint of sadness and hesitation filling her voice.

“Hey, Mom. Sorry I’m just now calling you back. Yesterday was kind of nuts,” I say, sitting down on the edge of the hotel bed. “Is everything alright?” She doesn’t usually call me simply to check in, which in itself tells me that something is definitely going on considering she called several times yesterday .

And the award for Terrible Daughter goes to Chelsea Gilmore for ignoring her mother when she knew that something was likely wrong.

“Actually, there’s something I wanted to tell you,” she mumbles, and I stand from the bed as though it’s going to help me brace for whatever information she’s about to throw my way.

“Okay… What’s going on?” It’s been a while since she’s had any kind of breakdown. I think the medication she’s been on for the last few months is finally one that works for her. She sounds clear-headed right now, but I can’t help the sinking feeling that’s threatening to consume me.

My mother’s voice is quiet as she quickly says, “I’ve been reconnecting with Dan. He reached out to me a little while back and we’ve been talking. He says he wants to get together so we can talk about everything that happened between us. I really want you to keep an open mind about this, sweetheart.”

Um, yeah. Fuck. That.

“Mom. You can’t be serious! How could you possibly want to bring him back into your life, into our lives, after everything that he did?” A wide range of emotions are pulsing through me, but anger and fear are what’s sitting the closest to the surface.

“He says he’s been going to therapy and he’s really trying to change. I believe him.”

“I’m sorry, but I want absolutely no part of this. I know you’re not going to listen to anything that I have to say, and if you can forgive him so easily after he literally told me to hang myself , then I don’t know where that leaves us.” A sniffle comes through the line, and I know she’s likely crying. However, I doubt it’s because I've reminded her of the terrible things that that man put me through.

“Why are you being so closed-minded? This isn’t the woman that I’ve raised you to be.” Her comment nearly has me laughing at the idea that it somehow makes me closed-minded to not forgive someone who once did everything within their power to hurt me.

“This isn’t something I can be open to, Mom. I refuse to let him back into my life in any way.”

The line is silent, and after a moment, I hear the faint click signaling that my mother hung up on me. That’s not what bothers me though. This isn’t the first time she’s gotten upset and hung up because I said something she didn’t want to hear. What’s bothering me is how easily she’s falling back into his grasp and she doesn’t even care how dangerous that is.

The clothes I’m wearing suddenly feel suffocating, and I feel like there's a thick layer of dirt and grime coating my skin. My skin crawls as memories of bruising grips, painful words, and bloody gashes flood my mind.