Heart & Hope (Rosewood Ranch #2)

Chapter 32

Chapter Thirty-Two

RUBY

T he second the door of my east side Manhattan apartment closes behind me, I know I don’t belong here anymore. Everything is cold. Foreign. Clinical.

Lifeless.

After a week recovering in Lewistown and a red-eye back to the city, I have two days to recover before I go in to meet with Olive. To find out if I still have a job. With all that’s happened, do I even want it anymore?

One thing I do know, losing my rules, spending time with the Rawlinses... I don’t see life the way I used to. I dump my bags by the door and pad to the kitchen. The space is so clean, so void of living, it’s like a hotel, not my home.

My phone pings.

Addy.

Hey Rubes, make it back to NY alright?

And Lou.

Let me know when you make it back, hon.

New York, back. Not home . Even Addy’s siding with Montana.

I huff out a laugh—of course she is. Who wouldn’t? We think living happens here in the city. But it’s more like the skeleton of survival, not the flesh and blood of life that sees your heart pumping and pulls laughter through your lips. That lets love bloom from somewhere deep you didn’t even realize existed in your soul.

Fuck me, I’m a Hallmark card now.

Sweet Jesus.

My breath catches at the automaticity and ease of the saying the Rawlins men use.

I wander aimlessly around the small apartment for an hour, touching the things I thought I valued. Picking up frames without photos, still the happy stock photo families from the factory nestled behind the glass. The one plant I own is sporting a generous amount of dust on its plastic green leaves. And when I reach my bedroom, I flop onto the bed. The crystal chandelier that hangs over the bed glitters.

I tap a message back to Addy so she doesn’t worry. But I find myself scrolling through the back-and-forth texts between Reed and me. I come across a photo of him and I, beaming as we sit by the fire, me on his lap, huddled against him. Addy took this one and sent it to Reed. He sent it to me later that night, with a text: “R she’ll come around.” I smile, sweetly this time, and salute her with two fingers. By the time I reach the elevator, my brain has caught up with my actions, and I slam my eyes shut, slumping against the wall.

Captain .

Mack had told me what that salute meant between Reed and me.

And the way he reacted the first time I wore the faded red Captain’s Choice t-shirt with my PJ shorts . . .

But I have some things to work out before I can consider where Reed and I stand. If we stand together at all.

Back in the apartment, I pull out boxes from the spare room closet. Dust drifts down as I flip the lid off the last box. I can’t remember why I started hunting through the rubble of my childhood and the past ten years, but I’m on the last box, so... Why stop now?

Books and a journal sit in the box. I blow the remnants of a decade from the surface of the journal and open the cover.

Ruby Jane Robbins

Age: 10

I slip the pages across with a finger, reading the ramblings of a ten-year-old prone to daydreaming. The spine is cracked on the sparkling hardcover book, and when I place it on the floor, it spills open to the center spread.

My ultimate dream: To have a home where I feel I belong and people who love me, lots and lots and always, no matter what!

I stare at the page as the words I wrote eighteen years ago deliver a sucker punch with acute precision. I never felt loved in my childhood home. And I never really let myself think about it.

Until recently.

Until the Rawlinses.

Until Reed.

Until Louisa and Harry.

I’ve always had Addy; she’s my sister in so many ways my biological siblings never will be. But the Rawlinses, that was the first time I felt cherished and loved. Spending my days with Louisa was like finally having that unconditional love only a mother can give.

My days with Reed.

Nothing else compares.

I doubt anything ever will. And not one of the days in Montana had a single thing to do with my rules. I lay on the floor and stare up at the ceiling. It’s time to rewrite the rules. Course correction is required.

A new heading for this captain.

I smile, stupidly happy, as tears flood the floor under my neck. This captain needs her first mate. Our ship and whatever comes with that will be enough.

The old Ruby would be fighting this way of thinking. The old Ruby would insist on sticking to progress and achievements, to drive forward and carve a place for herself in the big world with a plethora of plans and checklists. The old Ruby was a miserable bitch. No way in hell am I going to end up like Olive.

I peel myself from the floor and rush to the bags I left by the front door. Snatching up the laptop bag, I rip my MacBook out and flip open the screen as I slump into the sofa.

Reinvention.

A new plan . . . new rules.

That is what I want. Ones that revolve around the heart of my ten-year-old mindset, a happy home with people who love me unconditionally. I open a fresh tab and type “google” into the URL bar. The blank search engine glares back, its endless potential and infinite possibilities cracked wide.

I click the Notes icon, fingers hovering over the keyboard.

Six rules are too many.

Too much restraint, and that’s what landed me in this position to begin with.

Three. Three is a good number of rules for any girl to have. Nobody likes a control freak. Just enough for some direction, so I don’t end up lost.

I let my eyes fall shut and my mind wander.

What do I want?

What do I really want . . .

First, to belong .

What do I need?

That feeling I had in Louisa’s kitchen. In Reed’s home.

Unconditional love, so I am free to live and grow without fear of failing the people I cherish.

What can’t I live without?

That one’s easy.

Reed James Rawlins.

Everything else—the career, the plans, and the status—is superfluous now. But I do need some way to spend my days and fill my soul. To fuel my independence.

Louisa’s party flashes through my mind. The happy faces. The way Lou’s face lit up when Harry led her outside to her family and friends. The close-knit community of people who know each other so well and have been through thick and thin.

I want that. I need that.

To be able to create those moments for other families, that would be priceless.

Bingo .

With a little research and a new focus, I can start working on big family parties, reunions, and maybe even weddings?

A party planner who’s like part of the family.

God save me, that’s corny. And exactly what I’m going to do.

I tap away, pulling up inspiration from Pinterest, making mock run sheets and checklists for all three of my new ideas. And when I begin the business plan, my fingers still over the laptop as the screen shows the most recent tab. R & R Ranch, holiday ranch business plan.

I smile at the screen like it’s an old friend as the memories of working through the proposal with Reed scroll through my mind. And that unfamiliar feeling of something I know down to my bones I need but have never been able to grasp...

Warmth swells as I fly through the times I shared with Reed’s family at home at Rosewood Ranch. Belonging blooms in my core, steady and bright. And when it steals my breath, I slam the MacBook shut.

Good Lord, how could I have been so daft?