Heart of the Beholder

26

brIDGETTE STARED NUMBLY OUT THE window as Doc examined her mother.

The night had been long and miserable. No one had slept. If it hadn’t been for her unrelenting thoughts of Lord Leander Thornwood and what had happened with her father, Bridgette would have been kept awake by her mother’s consistent coughing and gasping for breath. The Thistles were gracious to offer the three of them their spare bedroom with a full-size bed and sofa. Bridgette had shared the bed with her mother and left the sofa for Birdie, who had refused to lie down. Instead, she had paced the floor and mumbled to herself for most of the night.

After several hours of trying to calm Clara’s cough by propping her up on pillows and getting her to drink fluids, Doc had finally resorted to brewing a tonic to put her into a deep sleep so her body could rest. To Bridgette’s relief, it had worked quickly, and for the last few hours, her mother had slept soundly with only a small cough here and there.

Now, Bridgette waited for the new prognosis. Doc let out a quiet sigh. Bridgette closed her eyes. "Just tell it to me straight,” she said.

“Her lungs sound nearly as bad as they did the first time you brought her to me. But I am more worried this time, since it is recurring trauma to the tissue that was finally healing. It is going to be harder and will take longer to heal, if her body doesn’t decide to give up first. She needs to see a specialist as soon as possible; otherwise, I worry it will be too late to help her. That is as straight as I can give it to you,” he said.

“How long do you think she has?” Bridgette asked, still facing the window with her eyes closed.

“It's hard to say. But if her breaths become more shallow and farther apart, it won’t be long. I am sorry, Bridgette. I have done all I can do.”

Bridgette opened her eyes. “How long will it take for a specialist to get here if we send for them?”

“At best, before the end of the day, if they are close. But it could take weeks,” he said. “They will want payment for their services if they come all the way out here.”

Bridgette turned to face him. “Send for a specialist.” He gave her a strange look. “I have been able to save some money by working for Lord Thornwood. I just hope no one has looted what is left of the cottage and found it.”

He looked down at the floor as if he were figuring something out. This was the most they had spoken to each other since the carriage ride to his house. The silence between them was tense and awkward. “I suppose you need to go look for it sooner, rather than later,” he finally said.

“I was planning to go see what was salvageable today,” she said.

“I understand,” he said, looking tired. “I would come with you, but Ava had just about as bad of a night as your mother. I am scared to leave her until the baby comes.”

“Stay with your wife. I will take Birdie with me. We can walk, and we will be fine,” Bridgette said, forcing a kind smile.

“Come straight back here when you are done,” he said carefully.

Bridgette knew he wanted to make sure she wasn’t going anywhere else, such as a certain manor owned by a certain lord. “Of course,” Bridgette said. She turned to the sofa where Birdie sat, staring into nothing. “Birdie, let's go.”

“You don’t want to eat anything first?” Doc asked.

“I don’t feel like eating,” she said, and made a show of brushing off her ruined dress she’d refused to change out of and slipped her burgundy cloak over her shoulders.

“Very well,” he said. “I will ask the neighbor boy to run a letter to the post in town, and hopefully we will get a response from a specialist quickly.”

“Thank you. We will be back soon,” Bridgette managed, before she pulled Birdie out of the room, down the stairs, and out the front door. Birdie slowed down significantly once they were outside, but Bridgette sped up and dragged Birdie by the arm, away from Doc’s house.

“Birdie tired,” her friend moaned.

Bridgette relented and slowed her pace. “Sorry Birdie. I needed to get away from Doc before I said things I would regret.”

“Y-you lied.”

“What? No, I didn’t,” Bridgette said defensively.

“You said y-you would go b-back. You l-lied, Bridgeet.”

“Of course I will go back. What makes you think I won’t go back?”

The woman looked at Bridgette as if to say, Do you think I am an idiot?

“I honestly don’t know what my plans are, Birdie. I do really need to get to the cottage and at least get the money. After that, I guess we will see. Lord Thornwood isn’t expecting me until tomorrow. Maybe by then, Doc will have softened and won’t care if I go to see him,” Bridgette said. Then she groaned. “Things are not exactly the same as when I left him at the carriage last night. Yesterday, before everything went bad, I had a serious choice to make. A hard choice. One option made sense in my head, and the other option made my heart happy. I was anxious, but excited to make the decision on my own. Now, I feel like my choice has been made for me. I don’t have a place of my own, and my mother is in dire need. He has already offered for us to live there, and if I need the money, I know he will give it to me without hesitation. My heart and my head now agree. So why do I hesitate to accept when the choice is obvious? Will he think I chose to move to the manor only because of the fire? That would not do. I do not want him to think I am only using him because I am in need. And if Doc stays angry at Lord Thornwood, that will make things more difficult.”

It was Birdie’s turn to groan. “Bridgeet t-think too much,” she said.

Bridgette laughed. “You are right, my friend. One thing at a time. Right now, that one thing is to get to the cottage and pray the money is still there.”

They continued to walk arm in arm all the way to where Bridgette’s cottage used to be. Birdie’s cottage sat untouched in the early morning light. Birds of every kind squawked and tweeted when Birdie ran over to them. The reunion was warming, despite the ruin Bridgette faced. She kicked at a piece of burned wood in front of her. For once, she was happy she didn’t own a lot, because there were fewer things to look for. The cottage had been where she’d lived for several months, but it didn’t feel like home. Seeing the crumbling skeleton of the small structure didn’t make her sad. Her loved ones were safe, and that was what mattered.

Bridgette stepped over a section of broken glass and a fallen beam to where the closet by the door would have been. She squatted and picked up a small scrap of black fabric and ash smudged lace. Bridgette sighed as she realized the clothes she was wearing were now the only ones she owned. Thank goodness Birdie had been wearing the cloak.

Bridgette shuffled around the piles of debris and carefully made her way to the kitchen area. The sofa she had slept on was barely recognizable, and her small table and chairs were nowhere to be found. None of the cupboards were left, but the small basin she had washed dishes in was still in one piece, and the stove was still standing among the ash. Her hands turned black as she searched through broken bits of dishes and other scraps. She had kept her coins in a tin can in the highest cupboard, so if it wasn’t taken, it would likely be around the stove.

The longer she looked, the tighter her chest got. Feeling a little frantic, Bridgette found a long, thin piece of wood and used it to push everything out from under the stove. The amount of ash was astounding. Bridgette shoved the wood farther back and heard a clink. Her heart thundered in her chest as she lay in the soot and reached as far back as she could. Her fingers found the cool surface of a coin. She laughed in relief and started to breathe easier as she continued to pull several coins out from under the stove. Eventually, she found the can that still had the majority of her earnings in it. When she was sure all of the money was back in the container, Bridgette sat up and tried to brush off the black smudges covering her arms, but only ended up smearing them. At least she’d found the coins she had worked so hard for.

Bridgette stood up and clutched the can close to her body. Birdie was being swarmed by birds, but looked happy as could be. Bridgette looked around again at what was left of her little cottage. Besides a few walls that were barely standing, there was nothing left, nothing else to take with her. She still couldn’t wrap her mind around the fact that her father, whom she’d thought was dead, had been in her little cottage. She was glad he hadn’t died when she’d left him, but how long had he lain there before receiving help? He had said Jack had found him. How did Jack know? Madame Rajani’s smiling face formed in her memory and she shivered. He probably paid the sorceress to know what Bridgette had been hiding.

Bridgette’s eye caught something black tucked under a pile of splintered wood. She carefully pulled it out and examined it. Tears pricked her eyes as she realized it was Lord Thornwood’s mask. She pressed it to her chest and let the sadness seep through her.

Lord Thornwood had looked so downhearted when she’d found him next to her father’s dead body. She should have gone to him without hesitation. He was hard on himself already. She knew the events of last night were not going to help him feel better. Was he pacing his study, worrying about what he had done? Had he exploded with anger and torn apart his painting room again? Could she wait until tomorrow?

“Birdie?” she called.

The woman took her time in walking over, but when she saw the mask in Bridgette’s hand, she said, “You are going.”

Bridgette was grateful for her friend, who seemed to understand so much with so little explanation. “I should have gone last night after you and mother were settled with Doc.” She handed the can of coins to Birdie. “Take this to Doc and tell him to use it for the specialist, and let him know I will bring more. Hopefully it's not too late.” She looked down at the mask in her hand. “Hopefully it is not too late for a lot of things.”

Something fluttered at their feet. It was the white dove. “Doves can b-be a sign of new beginnings,” Birdie said.

Bridgette smiled. “I like that.”

The bird picked at a pile of wreckage and tweeted. Bridgette bent down to see what it was trying to get. She moved some things around and picked up a book which was blessedly untouched by fire. She turned it over and laughed. It was the book about gardening she’d borrowed from Lord Thornwood. She lightly patted the bird on the head. “I think the dove wants me to go as well. I suppose if I wanted a sign, this would be it. I have to return his book.” Bridgette stood and faced Birdie. “Go straight to Doc’s. Make sure you keep the can hidden as best you can, and probably have your army of geese go with you. Tell Doc I will be back soon.”

“Okay, Bridgeet.”

Bridgette kissed Birdie on the cheek, then tossed the burned mask back into the rubble, and started on her way toward Thornwood Estate like she had so many times before. It was easy to keep her mind calm if she pretended she was just walking to work on any normal day. The air was fresh, and the sky was a beautiful light blue. She smiled to herself as she thought about Lord Thornwood’s concern regarding her having to walk the distance to and from the manor every day. Sometimes it had been a bother if she was in a hurry, but she would miss the calm it brought her. She supposed she would be able to walk the meadow every day. She could definitely enjoy that.

Bridgette stopped dead in her tracks. “What am I doing?” she asked out loud. She put a hand to her head. “Am I really going to tell Lord Thornwood I have chosen to live at his home?” She looked down at her dirty dress. “I look like I just crawled out of a chimney!” she exclaimed and then belted a laugh. “Oh, wait, he has already seen me like this.” She started walking again. “Maybe I will just stop by the stream and clean up a bit. Yes, that will be good, but what am I going to say?” She kept trekking along and pondered what she might say. “Leander… or should I say Lord Thornwood? No, we are way past formalities… right?” She groaned and clutched her fluttering stomach. She was nervous and excited. It was a thrilling kind of torture.

She cleared her throat and said, “Leander, I am sorry to have come a day early, but I have made my decision and could not wait to tell you.” Bridgette nodded her head. “I have decided to live in your house with you. I don’t know if it would be appropriate for me to be your maid if I lived here, but I also don’t think I could do nothing. I will continue to clean and do work around the manor. But I need you to pretend you don’t know I exist for a while, because when you look at me, I feel like my clothes are going to catch fire or that I might melt into a puddle.”

She shook her head at the ridiculousness of her words. She didn’t even know if he wanted to see her. The last thing he had said to her was to leave him because it would be for the best. Maybe he only meant for the moment? Now it was a new day and things had calmed down, maybe he would be happy to see her. After everything that had happened between them, it couldn’t be ruined by a bad night, right? Maybe it could be, but she wasn’t going to let it be so. When he had come to comfort her in the entrance hall, he’d told her not to let her father take away her joy, so that was what she was doing. She was taking matters into her own hands and getting what she wanted without feeling guilty about it.

Bridgette crested the last hill and smiled as the meadow greeted her. She hurried down to the stream and splashed water on her arms to wash off the soot. There wasn’t much she could do about her dress at the moment, but she could at least clean her face and make her hair look less like a rat’s nest. She cupped the cool water in her hands and relished how nice it felt on her face. She undid the half updo Ava had done the day before and ran her fingers through it to get the tangles out. She looked at her reflection in the moving water, and from what she could tell, she looked presentable, so she grabbed the book and walked the rest of the way to the manor. Bridgette paused at the bottom of the steps. She was still unsure what she would say but couldn’t wait another moment. She needed to make sure he was okay.

Bridgette let out a breath and ascended the front steps. She touched the metal door knocker and smiled at the memory of her first visit. She’d no idea what to expect when she had come looking for work that day, but if she were to admit the truth, it could not have gone better. She knocked firmly and quickly, then took a step back. She did not have to wait long before she heard the door being unlocked and pulled open.

“Bridgette?” Edgar asked, looking baffled and anxious. “I—We were not expecting you until tomorrow.”

Bridgette looked down, feeling a little embarrassed when the man didn’t seem happy to see her. “I know. That was the plan, but I came to a decision sooner than I thought, and I just couldn’t wait to see him.” Edgar looked at her with the same pity he had when he told her to get in the carriage. Bridgette had been willing to forgive him for that, but now it was making her angry. “May I please speak to him, Edgar?”

Edgar hesitated and looked back into the manor. Bridgette’s heart sank. Did Lord Thornwood destroy the whole manor?

“Edgar, please.”

He sighed and opened the door for her. “Come into the sitting room. I will be with you in a moment.”

Bridgette sat herself on the sofa and twisted her fingers in her skirt. Why didn’t he just let her go to the study? The door opened, and Bridgette jumped to her feet. Her shoulders slumped in disappointment when it was only Edgar. Her brows pulled together when she saw he was holding a box and a sack. She had seen both of the objects before. The box held the personal gardening tools she had accidentally left at the manor, and the sack was full of coins. It did not make her feel at ease.

“Edgar?” Bridgette asked, not willing to accept what it looked like.

“These are for you, Miss Meadowbrooke. I was actually about to head out to bring them to you,” he said solemnly, as he approached and held the items out to her. “The Master is unfortunately no longer in need of your services.”

Bridgette shook her head and stepped back, not taking the items from him. “I don’t understand, Edgar. Where is he?”

“Please, Miss Bridgette,” Edgar said, not meeting her eyes. “Please take what the Master has offered you and leave. It is for the best.”

“No,” she said firmly. He met her eyes, but said nothing. The air felt like it was getting thinner. “Go tell him I am here, please.”

“He will not come down.”

“I don’t believe that,” she said, and her voice cracked. “If you won’t tell him, I will go find him myself.” Bridgette moved to step around Edgar, but he moved to block her path.

“I am sorry, Bridgette. I cannot let you do that.” Tears gleamed in the butler’s eyes.

“Why not?” she begged.

“You need to leave—” he started.

“No!” she pleaded.

“Edgar,” said a deep voice. They both jumped.

Edgar turned toward the door and bowed. Lord Thornwood stood there in his hooded cloak. “My lord?” Edgar asked, looking surprised.

“Leave us,” he ordered.

Edgar looked back at Bridgette. “But, my lord—”

“Now, Edgar.”

“Of course, my lord,” Edgar said quickly and left the room, setting the box and the sack on a table as he left.

They both stood and waited for the door to close before saying anything. Her heart cracked as she looked at him hiding under his hood. He was the first to speak. “Bridgette,” he whispered. It sounded like a plea. She shook her head as tears formed in her eyes. “I…” he started, then stopped.

The wave of emotion inside her swelled and crashed down over her self-control to stay where she was. She dropped the gardening book and rushed to him. He stood frozen as she wrapped her arms around his middle and pressed her face into his chest. “Don’t,” she said into his vest. “Don’t tell me to leave.”

Slowly, she felt him relax and put his arms softly around her, as if she were a fragile glass sculpture. She held on to him tighter. “Bridgette, you don’t understand. You must leave. It is too dangerous for you to be here.”

“You are not a danger to me,” she said in frustration. “I don’t care what Doctor Thistle or Edgar thinks. I trust you. You will not hurt me.”

His arms tightened around her. “It is not me who I am worried will hurt you. It is someone else.”

Bridgette pulled back to look up at him. The only thing she could see was his chin from under the hood. “Someone else?”

“My brother.”

“Your brother?” she asked, confused. “The one who will kill you if he sees you?”

“Yes. He sent me a letter letting me know he would be stopping by for a visit today.”

“What? He is coming here? Why?” she asked, panicked.

“I have something he wants.”

“What do you have?”

“That doesn’t matter,” he said and took her gently by the shoulders. “What matters is that you leave before he gets here.”

“But I don’t want to leave, Leander. I want to stay. I came here to tell you I want to live at the manor.”

He sighed heavily. “That is unfortunately not an option anymore. I need you to leave and never come back.”

Tears blurred her vision. “You are just going to let him kill you?”

“I will do everything in my power to avoid dying and resorting to violence, but that is very unlikely with him.”

“Let me stay. Let me help you,” she sobbed and felt her tears slide down her cheeks.

“No, Bridgette,” he said, tenderly wiping one of her tears away with his thumb. “He plays a dangerous game, and I am not willing to risk my queen to protect my unworthy, broken king.” He tilted his head, and his lips came into view as he spoke. It wasn’t fair. She had just lost practically everything because of her father, but pushed forward because there had been hope for a new beginning and brighter future. Now it was fading, she felt hopeless and betrayed. Why couldn’t she just have some happiness and peace? Why couldn’t she get what she wanted for once? “I need you to take the money, find yourself a place, and get your mother some help.” She didn’t want to hear what he had to say anymore. She just wanted him to hold her again and never let go.

Without a second thought, Bridgette stepped forward and ducked under his hood. She put a hand on either side of his face and pulled him down until her lips found his. His arms immediately wrapped around her waist, and she was pulled snugly against his chest. She melted into him as he kissed every logical thought out of her mind. She slid her hands up and tangled her fingers into his soft hair. He moved one of his hands to the back of her head and kissed her with so much intensity, Bridgette thought she would lose consciousness. His kisses softened, and she shuddered at the change. His lips moved so slowly and tenderly, she wanted to cry out in desperation. He pulled back, and she moaned in protest, not able to form words. They both gasped for breath in the darkness underneath the hood.

He pressed his forehead to hers and said, “Believe me when I say it kills me to do this.” He pulled his arms away from her and stepped back, leaving her cold and alone.

“No,” she whispered breathlessly. He picked up the box and the sack of coins and placed it in one of her arms. “No,” she said, but didn’t drop his gift. He took her free hand and kissed it softly on the knuckles.

“Bridgette, you have truly been the best thing to have ever come into my life.” He closed her fist around something and let her hand go. “I am sorry I never told you who I really was. I hope one day you can forgive me. Goodbye, Bridgette.” Bridgette was so thrown off by his apology, she barely registered that he called for Edgar as he left the room. “See her out, please.”

“Of course, my lord,” Edgar replied.

And then he was gone.

“No,” she said again.

“Come, Miss Bridgette,” Edgar said, guiding her out of the sitting room. “It is time for you to go. I would like to offer you one of the horses, so you can get to your mother faster.”

Bridgette looked up at him and said nothing.

“I had honestly hoped it would have gone differently,” he said with a remorseful look in his eyes. “Shall I get you a horse?”

Bridgette shook her head as she walked numbly through the door he held open for her. “I will miss you, Miss Bridgette.”

Bridgette didn’t look at him. She only said, “Please, don’t let him die.”

“I will try my best, my lady. I swear on my life.”

Bridgette sucked in a breath and managed to say, “Goodbye, Edgar.”

She wasn’t sure if he said anything else as she descended the stairs. She wasn’t sure if she heard the door close. She just walked down the road, away from the place she had been ready to call home.

She held the box and the sack in one arm and a folded piece of paper in her other hand. What was she going to do? She had no direction now. Sure, she would help her mother and Birdie, but how was she supposed to go on living? She was leaving her heart behind at Thornwood Manor. She could do nothing, but walk in a daze. If she were to pass someone, she wouldn’t have noticed. If there was a hole in the path, she would have fallen into it.

It wasn’t until a carriage pulled by two giant black horses at full speed nearly trampled her to death, that her trance broke. Her beating heart threatened to break her ribs as she looked back in shock, while the carriage quickly disappeared down the road. A small part of her cursed that it hadn’t crushed her. Bridgette shook her head. No, she couldn’t think that way. Her mother and Birdie needed her, even if it was a broken-hearted version of herself. She had responsibilities and people who relied on her.

Bridgette cycled between sadness and frustration as she went. It didn’t make sense, and it wasn’t fair. She couldn’t help but feel if she had all the pieces of the puzzle, maybe she could save him.

“Bridgette?” someone called. “Bridgette!”

She had to blink many times because she didn’t believe what she was seeing. Alice was running toward her, looking frantic.

“Alice? What’s wrong?” Bridgette asked as they stopped in front of each other.

“Thank goodness you are alright!” Alice exclaimed as she heaved for breath. “I had to come and make sure as soon as I found out.”

“What are you talking about?” Bridgette asked in frustration.

“Well, of course I heard about the fire and was worried. And I am glad everyone is okay,” she said quickly. “But I have been courting a rich suitor, as you know.”

“Alice, this is actually a really bad time. I need to get to my mother.”

“No, wait, this is important,” she said. “Well, he was very charming, and I was getting very excited that there would be a proposal, but then he just disappeared, which made me so mad. So, I did everything in my power to figure out what happened.” Bridgette let out a sigh, but didn’t interrupt her so she could get to the point. “One of my family’s servants told me the suitor had given a note to the butler to give to Lord Thornwood, which I thought was strange.”

Bridgette blinked. “What?”

“Yes. And you know how nosy servants can get, so when the butler was busy, they looked at the note and resealed it. But the letter revealed that my suitor is Lord Thornwood’s brother. Who would have thought?” she exclaimed with her arms stretched wide. “But that is not the craziest part. One of the servants had overheard him talking to his coachman about how some things might get bloody soon, and the coachman addressed him as ‘Your Majesty’.” She squealed. “Can you believe it? It was probably just an excuse to be in the village and get information about his brother, but I was being courted by the king.”

Bridgette dropped her box and bag of coins. “King?” she asked, bewildered.

Lord Thornwood’s words filled her mind. I am sorry I never told you who I really was. I hope one day you can forgive me.

Bridgette quickly unfolded the paper he had put in her hand. It looked like the corner of a page ripped out of a book. Her heart thudded as she flipped it over and saw the little portrait of a handsome young man with dark hair and green eyes with the name Thane Blackmoore written under it.

The world spun around Bridgette, but she stayed on her feet. Everything made complete sense, yet no sense at all.

“Alice, I am going to need your help.”

“Yes, of course! What do you need me to do?” Alice asked with excitement.

Bridgette picked up the box and the sack of coins and handed them to her. “I need you to take these to Doc as fast as you can,” she said. Alice took the items, but looked disappointed.

“That’s all you need me to do?” she asked with a frown.

“It is very important. And when you get there, I need you to tell Doc that I might need his assistance. He will know where I am. Can I trust you?” Bridgette asked with urgency.

“Yes, you can trust me,” Alice said, sounding a little offended. “What are you going to do?”

“I am going to play a dangerous game of chess,” she said, taking a deep breath.