Her Secret Santa

Chapter Fifteen

ZADE

I watch Clara approach, trying not to be obvious about my staring. It’s probably a useless attempt because I can’t keep my eyes off of her. She looks fucking edible, even decked out in neon green and sparkles and fake elf shoes.

“We could grab lunch on your break if you want,” her friend says as they reach the edge of the display. “I’ll be here all day.”

It’s the same brunette I always see her with, the one I’m pretty sure Arlo took back the last time we went to Eternity together. He’s been wrapped up in something or other recently and I’ve hardly seen him, but he seemed more than a little enamored with her.

Clara winces as she steps over the ropes to join the rest of us, rubbing the back of her neck bashfully.

“I, uh, I don’t know if I have enough money to eat out right now,” she says with a hesitant little laugh. “I just had to pay the nursing home bill and I took a cab the other day, plus the holidays are coming up and all. If my catering gig paid me, then I’m down, I’ll just have to check when I go on break.”

I frown in consternation at hearing that. It’s nothing she hasn’t said before, half of the conversations I’ve overheard between her and her friend have gone along these lines, but she works for me now.

The thought of her not being able to afford the food court is preposterous. She should be able to have anything she wants. I’d give her the whole world on a platter if she only asked for it.

I slip my phone from my pocket as surreptitiously as I can manage and fire off a text to Heidi. I don’t have the time or patience to deal with HR, or the questions I’ll get about personally demanding a Christmas bonus for a new hire, but she should be able to get it done before lunch. I guess it’s a good thing Gabriela Rockwell insisted on reinstating Christmas bonuses. This will seem a little less out of left field, at least.

The two of them part ways as the mall doors open, families and couples trickling in slowly instead of the steady flood it’s been recently. I spent yesterday in the office, oscillating between signing off on a million different things and fantasizing about Clara. It was a long day, packed with meetings and conversations that could have been emails, so I’m actually a little appreciative of the Wednesday mall crowd.

The line is pretty sparing all throughout the morning, and Clara keeps it moving steadily. I put a little bit of effort into playing my role properly when Clara shoots me a sharp glare after I do little more than grunt and hum at the first few kids.

I don’t have the energy for the full blown performance I gave it on Friday, and I’m glad for the slow line. I couldn’t give it my full attention today even if I wasn’t exhausted.

It’s absurd how gorgeous she looks in that ridiculous fucking costume. Every time I look at her, all I can see is those pretty blue eyes and the sweet smile curved across her lips. I know exactly what those lips feel like now, how sweetly her tears run down her cheeks as she gags on my cock. She tried so hard to take it all for me, panting and desperate and shooting pleading looks up at me as she choked on the length of it.

I’ve gotten a lot of head in my life. A lot of good head, even.

But no one else holds a candle to the soft, sweet warmth of her tongue, the insistent little whines that bubble up her throat.

I’ve been slowly working my way through her list of kinks, made her talk me through exactly what she craves the last time I saw her. Her voice was scratchy from the way I abused her throat with my cock, her mask askew as she mumbled out her fantasies into my shoulder, half asleep and blissed out. There isn’t a single thing she asked for that doesn’t make my gut burn bright with lust.

I want to fuck her while she’s tied up in shiny black silk, bend her over my kitchen counter and make her sob with pleasure, wake her up in the morning with my mouth between her thighs. I want to chase her through the woods and pin her against a tree when I catch her and make her scream my name loud enough the whole city can fucking hear it.

I want more than I can have with the way things are right now. More than anonymous nights and lonely mornings. I want our relationship to be real .

Fucking hell, I’ve never even thought about a relationship with anyone else. I’ve dated around, sure, but that was always for publicity, something to swing the media’s attention away from whatever stunt I pulled that made my uncle throw a fit.

I’ve never wanted what I want with her before.

Our lunch break rolls around shortly after that realization levels my entire world, but it takes me a while to actually get up and go anywhere. Usually, I’m out of my seat and hiding away from the million Christmas shoppers as fast as I can, but today, I can’t look away from Clara.

Her friend shows up shortly after our break starts, and I stumble off the ornate bench as they start walking toward one of the ATMs by the food court. I feel drawn to her, like I can’t let her out of my sight. I pay no attention to the stares I garner in my full Santa get-up, keeping my pace slow as I pretend to look at something on my phone. I only catch a few seconds of their conversation as I pass by, but it’s enough to bring a proud grin to my face.

“What the hell?” Clara hisses, grabbing her friend by the arm. “Why did they pay me? I haven’t even done any of the trainings yet!”

Yeah, alright, I guess I can see the appeal of Christmas bonuses. I grin to myself as I make my way back to the break room to eat my lunch. I usually spend my break in my car, but I don’t want to waste a second I could be spending with Clara. Even being around her is enough to set my heart racing.

I finish eating and head back out to the display early, excited to see her. Maybe some of the weariness that rests around her eyes will be gone now that she knows she’s got a bit of a cushion.

When I see her, though, both she and her friend look upset. As they get closer, I can hear the quiet argument they’re having.

“You said you were going to start a savings account!” her friend says insistently. “This is the perfect chance, and you know it.”

“I don’t have to start it now . I finally have a good paying job! I’ll be making money like this regularly, and I can start a savings account with what I have leftover from my paychecks. But you heard HR, Allie. I wasn’t expecting a Christmas bonus as a new hire, but if that’s their standard, I won’t argue.” Her smile softens to something affectionate, almost proud. “I know another rainy day or another emergency is just around the corner, but so is Christmas. I can’t keep that money for myself when I could use it to make sure Brooke’s children’s home and my Grandma both have a perfect holiday.”

I stare in total shock as I listen to them bicker back and forth. It’s obvious that they’ve had this conversation before, and that Allie is both incredibly fond of Clara and absolutely exhausted with this habit of hers.

I never expected Clara to not spoil herself with this. Her wish list had a spa day on it, and a shopping trip.

The whole point of this was to make her Christmas wishes come true.

Instead, she seems to plan on spending it all on other people.

“Why are you giving all your money away?” I blurt out without thinking.

Both Clara and Allie turn to stare at me, twin looks of confusion on their faces. They share a glance, and I have a moment to regret saying anything, but then Allie’s mouth splits on a wide grin, and she elbows Clara teasingly.

“See?” she says. “Even your grumpy Santa agrees with me.”

Grumpy Santa, huh? I may not love the nickname, but I can’t deny that I like the thought of being hers. I like it just as much as I like the thought of her being mine.

“ Because ,” Clara says, rolling her eyes at both of us, “taking care of other people is what life is all about. It’s the right thing to do, and if I can help people less fortunate than me, that’s what I want to do. The kids at the home are worth taking care of. They deserve good in their lives.” She shrugs, stepping over the rope and into the display. There’s iron in her spine and certainty in her eyes, but my heart aches at the pain in her voice. “I don’t need taking care of. Not like they do. I’d rather take care of the people I love than save money for an emergency that may never even happen. The people in my life are worth everything to me.”

I stare at her in shock, my heart throbbing in my chest. I’ve never met someone who thinks the way she does. My dad has been dead for a decade now, but he did a lot of good in his life. He helped my uncle get sober, helped him get custody of Landon. He’s probably the most generous person I knew before Clara, but even he didn’t take care of anyone else until he was well and truly set. My mom donates to charities and hosts events for various social justice groups, but it’s mostly because it makes her fit in with her socialite friends. I’ve just never seen anyone who’s so willing to put everyone’s needs before her own. No one else in my life has ever sacrificed what they want for the sake of someone else, much less for people they don’t even know.

And she may not have said it out loud, but the subtext is loud and clear. She doesn’t think of herself as worthy. I can see in her eyes that she believes damn near everyone else is worth more than she is, and I just can’t fathom it.

How could anyone be worth more than she is?

I’ve never met someone as incredible as her, never met someone who made me want to change. She’s so wholly good , and I find myself wanting to change, to make myself better for her. I want to deserve her, to be good enough for her. I no longer think of her as the pretty submissive I spend my nights with at Eternity. She’s more than that, more than a warm body and a person to indulge with. She’s someone I want to take care of, to pamper and spoil and spend lazy days on the couch with. I want more than a handful of hours a week together, more than anonymity and casual connection.

She’s worth more than that to me.

She’s worth everything to me.

If it’s anyone that suddenly doesn’t feel worthy, it’s me. Will she even want the man behind all the masks?

I’m realizing my life needs to undergo some pretty hefty changes, and I have no idea where to begin, but maybe I know where to start.