Here’s the Thing (Seddledowne #4)

Chapter 4 – Tally

four

TALLY

Do anything rather than marry without affection.

— JANE AUSTEN

T he restaurant after the game was annoyingly loud. Silverware scraped against the expensive plates. People laughed at everything. Even things that weren’t funny. My heartbeat whooshed in my ears so hard I felt nauseous. Which is why, for the first time ever, steak sat almost untouched on my plate.

Two women stood at the end of the table, fangirling over Ford. One of them handed him a Sharpie, begging with wanton eyes. I snorted. Who keeps a Sharpie in their purse in case they happen to run into a celebrity? He hopped up, propped the cap between his teeth, and leaned over to sign her shoulder. From the joy on her face, she was probably heading straight to the tattoo parlor after this.

My gaze fell on Ashton for the hundredth time tonight. He watched the exchange, sitting stiff-straight. But then Persephone slid her hand over, resting it on his thigh. What in the world made her think she had the right to be so casual on their first date? He placed his hand on hers, giving her permission. I squeezed my eyes shut.

Madden’s hand gripped my knee as if his subconscious knew I was on the verge of bolting. His conscious surely didn’t. He gave me a squeeze as he spoke to Blue. “You beat everyone at the forty and no one will care that you haven’t played in two years. They’ll all be fighting over you. The Chiefs, the 49ers, the Ravens. That’s the single most significant predictor at the NFL Combine.” His head bobbed confidently.

Blue nodded. “You’re right, you’re right.” He broke into a cocky grin. “Good thing I’ve still got it. I shaved two-tenths of a second off my time this week. Ran it in 4.22 on Monday.”

“Shut up.” Madden’s hand smacked the table making everyone’s glasses shake. I flinched. He looked at Anna for confirmation. “Seriously?”

She beamed. “Yup.”

He squeezed me like I’d run the forty in 4.22. I might try if it got me the heck out of here. His fingers spread over my hand—the one sporting the ridiculous diamond on it. I could pay off my mom’s mortgage with this thing. I peeked over at him. How could he sit next to me, fingers threaded through mine, and not know that I was freaking out inside? That my heart was trying to claw its way out of my chest?

“Smile, guys.” Anna lifted her phone to snap a picture. Madden slipped his arm around my waist and leaned his head against mine. But I couldn’t smile. “I promise not to post it,” Anna coaxed. “Now show me the ring.” I lifted my hand and hopefully managed to not look like I was going to puke. When she was done and the guys hopped right back into their football talk she caught my eye and cocked her head as if to tell me to be happy.

How could I be happy with my own personal Sword of Damocles hanging over me?

My phone buzzed in my lap. I turned away from Madden and checked it. It was Brooklyn on our Three Besties text thread.

Brooklyn: Tally, Anna says you have a panicked look in your eye. Hot hockey player slaps a two-carat diamond on your hand and you’re freaking out? Most girls would kill to be in your shoes. What’s wrong?

I glanced up at Anna and gave her an Are you serious? look .

She shrugged as if to say s orry, not sorry.

My fingers flew over the keypad.

Me: I’m fine.

Anna: No, you’re not. You keep eyeing the exit like you’re going to make a break for it any minute.

Brooklyn: I thought you loved Madden? You’ve been dating for four years. This is the next logical step.

Me: You two are so confusing. A month ago you were encouraging me to go after Ashton, who, speaking of the devil, looks very comfy with his date.

Now he and Persephone were holding hands. She said something I couldn’t hear, making everyone at the other end of the table laugh .

Watching the older Duprees interact made me feel like I was in a different zip code. Like they were at the grownup table and the rest of us were at a kid table, not invited.

I wished Mom, Theo, and Charlie had stayed.

Anna: You would know. You can’t keep your eyes off him.

Me: Whatever. I just want to know why the coward won’t look at me.

I’d been trying to make him all night. He’d look anywhere but. At the ceiling, at the cellist, at the smudges on his water glass, at Persephone .

Brooklyn: Ashton brought a date?

Brooklyn: Ashton’s at your engagement celebration dinner?

Me: Why wouldn’t he be?

Brooklyn: …

Brooklyn: …

I glanced up at Anna…whose face was red.

Me: What aren’t you two telling me?

Brooklyn: …

Anna: Yes. Holden invited him.

Me: Of course, he’s here. Everyone is. Except you, Brooklyn.

Which miffed me. Clearly, she’d known. They’d all known.

Me: I can’t believe y’all didn’t give me a heads-up.

Anna: Madden made us swear. He was so excited.

Brooklyn: He should’ve listened to us.

Anna: brOOK.

Me: What’s happening?

I looked up at Anna who was watching me, sheepishly.

Brooklyn: We tried to talk him out of proposing, but he wouldn’t listen.

Anna: I didn’t. Brook did. I thought you were settled on your feelings. After that conversation about Ash, you threw yourself back into your relationship with Madden.

Now, I was the one feeling sheepish. When I’d realized I had feelings for Ash, I’d overcorrected, pouring all those pent-up emotions into Madden instead. Had Madden taken it as a sign of me being ready for something more?

Obviously.

Anna: In my defense, I really did think you were going to be excited about the proposal.

Brooklyn: I didn’t. Why do you think I left for the weekend? I was worried you’d say no right there in front of everyone. I couldn’t watch it.

Anna: brOOK.

Brooklyn: What? Just being truthful. Tally has “Runaway Bride” written all over her .

Tears pricked my eyelids as the proposal replayed in my mind. I’d been T-boned. Here, I’d thought Madden and I were on the same page when it came to marriage. Turned out we weren’t even in the same book. The thing that hurt the most was that after four years of dating, he still didn’t know me at all. Didn’t know that a public proposal was the last thing I would’ve wanted. If I even wanted to get married.

I glanced at the exit sign longingly.

Anna: You’re looking at the door again.

I forced a slow exhale.

Brooklyn: Deep breaths, Tal. What’s going through your head?

Me: I’m wondering what’s wrong with me. I know I should be over the moon but…

Anna: You’re not.

Me: No. At all.

Brooklyn: Why?

I chewed my bottom lip, weighing how much to say.

Me: You don’t want to know. It’s really bad.

Anna: I do.

Brooklyn: We both do.

My head hung as I breathed it out, getting up the nerve.

Brooklyn: C’mon, Tal. It can’t be that bad.

I stared at her words. If she only knew …

Anna kicked my foot under the table. I looked up and she motioned for us to go talk outside.

I shook my head.

Brooklyn: What am I missing? I need a play-by-play.

Anna: I’m trying to get her to go to the bathroom so we can discuss it before she does something drastic.

Brooklyn: She’s got the “drastic” look in her eye? Uh oh.

Me: I’m fine. Stop overreacting.

My words must not have convinced Anna though because she “walked” her fingers toward the end of the table like a pair of legs and tipped her head in the direction of the exit.

Madden never noticed.

Me: I’d rather talk over text.

It would be easier if I didn’t have to look either of them in the eye.

Brooklyn: Break it down for us. We’ll figure it out together.

Me: Okay…

I inhaled, focusing on holding a breath and letting it out slowl y.

Here goes everything.

Me: Married people have sex.

Me: And I don’t want to have sex .

I winced as I wrote the words. I glanced at my boyfriend…correction…my fiancé. He was tall and handsome. So many muscles. He had those cheekbones women fawned over. The kind that could “cut glass.” So why didn’t I want to do this?

Brooklyn: With Madden?

Brooklyn: Or anyone?

Me: That’s a good question.

There was a long pause. I looked up at Anna but she was glued to her screen as if rereading the words over and over.

I’m sure my friends were so confused. I’d been pregnant when they first met me. They probably thought I’d given my heart to someone I shouldn’t—the same way Anna’s mom had given her heart to the Italian exchange student who’d talked her out of her virginity. Back in high school, they’d tried to get me to open up about it a few times but I’d skirted around the topic. Being the good friends that they were, they hadn’t brought it up again. If I were going to tell anyone the truth, it would be them. But that part of my life was locked in a vault and for good reason.

Their texting had stopped.

My heart raced. My lungs tried to burst open from the overwhelming anxiety. I used the trick my therapist had taught me. Five things I could see: a fake fern in the corner, what was left of Anna’s green bean almondine on her plate, Lemon’s freckles, Persephone kissing Ashton on the cheek?—

My eyes shot to my lap, where of all things, they landed on my engagement ring. The noose around my future.

This was backfiring.

Brooklyn: So, you’re saying you can’t picture yourself in bed with him every night.

Me: I can picture it.

Brooklyn: Right. But how does that picture make you feel?

Me: Like a pair of hands are around my neck.

Anna’s face crumpled.

Brooklyn: You can’t marry him if you’re feeling that way.

Anna: If she breaks up with Madden, it will break his heart.

Brooklyn: Too bad, so sad. Tally’s my friend, therefore, I’m Team Tally. And as the top fan of Team Tally, I say, you gotta figure it out, Tal. Whatever you have to do, do it. You can’t be in a passionless marriage. And Anna, you of all people should understand. Jonah?

Anna: I know. I’m just…trying to be Switzerland over here.

Brooklyn: Switzerland doesn’t exist for you. Blue can be Team Madden, but you gotta be Team Tally.

Across the table, Anna’s head dropped into her hand.

Anna: Okay. You’re right. Team Tally all the way.

She peeked up and gave me a sad but resolute smile. My insides relaxed a bit. If my friends backed me up, I could do this. Whatever this was.

Brooklyn: Not to be the devil’s advocate but…

Brooklyn: I think this is about Ashton.

I winced and the fingers on my free hand curled around the edge of my seat.

Brooklyn: Tell me I’m wrong.

Anna: I can’t be a part of that discussion. I don’t know why you’re bringing him up anyway. It’s not helpful and it’s only going to put doubts in her head.

Brooklyn: She already has doubts! Why do you think we’re having this discussion?

My stomach was rock hard with anxiety. Because Brooklyn wasn’t wrong. In the last month, since they’d made me realize I was attracted to him, I hadn’t been able to get Ashton out of my head. I’d try to focus on something else and my thoughts always came right back to him. Falling asleep at night, first thing when I woke up, and every minute in between, all I saw were those eyes. That smile. The crinkle around those eyes when he smiled that smile.

Anna: Can we discuss the issue at hand without bringing my uncle into it?

Brooklyn: Fine. Tally, you deserve a marriage where you’re loved fully and where you can love your husband fully. But Madden deserves that too. It might hurt him now, but you’ll be doing him a favor in the long run.

Madden brushed his hand along my arm. “Are you ready to call my parents and tell them? ”

I forced myself to look at him—those green eyes, that massive grin. Sweet Madden, so happy and patient. For four years he’d hinted at forever. And I'd let him believe it was a possibility, dodging his talk of commitment without shutting it down. Truth was, marriage haunted my thoughts daily. But fear kept me silent.

Mom was concerned that I hadn’t told him about my past. She’d made such a big deal about it that she’d threatened me once with an ultimatum: I had one week to tell him or she’d do it for me. But after I’d had a panic attack so severe she’d had to shove me in the shower fully clothed to get me to calm down, she gave up that idea.

She always said I’d know the right guy when I found him because I wouldn’t be afraid. I’d want to tell him everything. I’d want to share every part of myself with him, even if I was terrified to do it. It concerned her that I didn’t feel safe enough with Madden to do that.

Then again, I was pretty broken. Maybe the feelings I had for Madden were as good as it got for me. Maybe it was all I was capable of. Maybe I’d never want to share my past with anyone.

“Tally?” Madden prodded.

I glanced at Anna whose eyes were wide with worry. I gave her the best smile I could muster. Then I took a swig of water and patted my mouth with the cloth napkin. “Oh, um, let me use the bathroom first,” I choked. “I’ll be right back.”

He pressed a kiss to my forehead, never realizing that I was on the verge of tears. Which only made it worse because it proved that we were on completely different wavelengths.

How could I do this?

How could I not?

I stood and hurried toward the restroom, holding in sobs as I went. I typed in a fury.

Me: I can’t hurt him. I’m going to do it.

Brooklyn: Tally, NO.

Anna: I’m with Brook. Don’t.

Me: I have to.

A sob rose in my chest and I forced it down. People were staring even though I was holding in the tears. These strangers were more in tune with my emotions than Madden.

Brooklyn: Hey, let’s talk this through.

I couldn’t do this right now.

As I looked down to drop my phone into my pocket, I slammed into someone so hard my teeth rattled. “Oh, I’m s-so sorry.” My voice shook. Whoever it was gripped my shoulders, righting me. Without thinking I looked up to make sure they were okay.

But they was Ashton.

I’d been so busy texting that I hadn’t realized he’d left the table. One look at my tears and he bent down to look me in the eye, his face full of worry and compassion. “Tally, what’s wrong?”

His hair was tousled, his waves unkempt. He looked tired but…my heart stuttered…so handsome. A niggle of guilt crept in. I was engaged. I should not be checking Ashton out. It wasn’t lost on me that in less than a second, he’d noticed my tears. How dare he know me better than Madden, especially after handing me off to Gibson?

“How could you?” The words came out even though I told them not to. “How could you pass me off to someone else and then show up here tonight with a date? Of all the nights. Were you trying to rub it in? You didn’t think I was hurt enough? You were my…my person .” As I said the words, I knew they were true. And I was ashamed of myself. Madden should’ve been my person. But it was Ash. He was the one I went to when something funny happened. Or something hard. He was the one I sent stupid memes to every day. And talked with for hours on end about books and movies. Not Madden.

And he’d shoved me away like it was nothing.

His head tilted, studying me, a wrinkle of confusion between his brows and a twitch to his pursed lips—as if he wanted to say something but he wouldn’t let himself. It was fine. His silence said everything anyway.

Good old, dependable, never-rock-anyone’s-boat Ashton would have nothing to do with me after this. I was going to be another man’s wife. He’d stepped back as my professor. Now he’d step back as my friend.

At that realization, I broke, sobs hitting me in waves.

Suddenly, his strong fingers were wrapped around my wrists, pulling me to him. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was just trying to do the right thing.” He crushed me to him, cradling my head against his shoulder as I clung to his waist. Ashton and I never hugged. We weren’t those kinds of friends. But he hugged me now, like his life depended on it. I know mine did.

A crowd of people crammed by us, trying to get to the hostess station. Ash curled an arm around me and guided me through the exit door, and out into the cold air. He hurried us down the sidewalk and around the corner. All while I was still sobbing.

“Hey,” he said softly as he leaned against the brick, still clutching me tight. “Hey, shhhh.” His tone was soothing. “It’s okay.” His fingers were at the base of my neck, gently massaging circles there.

Standing outside Capitol Cuts, wrapped safely in Ashton’s arms, was the last place I should be. Especially wearing Madden’s jersey. But I didn’t care because for the first time tonight, all the chaos had stopped. Like someone hit the pause button, my heart slowed. My body melded into his and my mind fell quiet, filled only with the soft whisper of his breath.

A happy couple meandering up the sidewalk glanced over. They were discussing the Rockets game from tonight, of all things. Their eyes were on my jersey. You’d think it would’ve slapped some sense into me but it didn’t. I needed Ashton’s arms around me. He quickly spun us around so my back was against the wall, Madden’s name hidden, Ash’s tall body creating a protective barrier.

He hunched down, his cheek pressed against mine. “I’m your person?” There was frustration in his voice, and questions. Probably asking why was he my person, what that meant, and if he was my person, what on earth was I doing with Madden?

Ash leaned back to look at me expectantly.

“Yeah. You are.” What was I doing, standing here with him like this? Madden would kill me. I should go inside. “I’ve missed you.”

He swallowed and his Adam’s apple dipped. “Did you?”

I nodded. “So much it hurts.” The pain of no Ashton in my life had been all-consuming.

That elusive thrill I’d wanted to feel with Madden? It hit me like a tidal wave with Ashton. Heart racing, skin burning from his touch. How had I never recognized how alive I was whenever he was around?

I’d been in straight-up denial. There was no other explanation.

“Congrats on your engagement?” His brow cocked and he looked so confused. I was confusing myself.

I pulled his forehead down to mine, surely confusing him even more. But he let me. We stood there, nose to nose, our breath intermingling into a single puff of condensation. My belly hummed at being tight against him. Electricity pulsed in my bloodstream like I was on a thrill ride. Even the tips of my toes and the palms of my hands were thrumming.

Was this one-sided, or did he feel it too? I had to find out. Now. If this was nothing, I’d walk away and straight back into Madden’s arms. But if it was something… I had no idea what to do.

But I had to know.

My fingertips slid up either side of his neck, hooking together at his nape. “So you’re happy for me then?” I asked, trying to pull it out of him.

He stiffened, completely silent, not answering my question. Not moving. As far as I could tell, not breathing.

I leaned back, looking him in the eye. Were my friends right? Was all the nit-picking and bickering a cover for something deeper?

His lips pursed into a thin line like he was stubbornly locking them down. He couldn’t tell me he was happy for me.

Or he wouldn’t.

Either way, it was unacceptable.

“Ash? I asked you a qu-question.” It came out breathier than I would’ve liked, but the longer I stood there, smashed against him, the less control I had of…everything.

“Madden’s a great guy,” he said in a dull, lifeless tone. “I’m sure you’ll be very happy together.”

My head tilted and I released a frustrated laugh. “That’s not what I asked you. I asked if you’re happy for me.” My hands trembled around his neck. “C’mon, it’s a simple yes or no question. S-surely, a professor of literature can spit one of those out.”

He stared at me, a storm brewing in his eyes. But he remained on lockdown .

Finally, his hands fell away and he stepped back. “I need to get back inside to my date .” His tone was curt.

He turned to go, muttering something about an infinite curse, and I knew this was it. If I let him walk away, my chance of finding out how he felt was over. He picked his foot up, prepped to take one very long stride away from me.

“Ashton.” I reached across him, grabbed his far hand, and gave him a hard yank, pulling him back. He stumbled, catching himself with his hands against the brick wall on either side of my head, his lips a hair’s breadth from mine. My hands slid up his chest and into his hair like that’s where they belonged. Like he was magnetic north and I was a compass aligning myself.

His warm breath tickled my lips. Our chests rose and fell in unison. My thumbs stroked the nape of his neck.

And then his mouth was on mine. Or maybe mine was on his. Either way, we were kissing. His lips were soft and warm and he tasted like the Pinot Noir we’d all been drinking. A shocked squeak escaped my throat, I don’t know why. I’d initiated it as much as he had. He tensed like maybe he’d misread me. But this feeling in my chest—my whole body really—the overpowering desire to be near him, for every speck of my skin to touch every speck of his, was addicting, and I needed it like I needed air. I gave his hair a gentle tug forward as I pressed up on my tiptoes, tilting into him, leaving no more room for doubt.

A groan broke free in the center of his chest and he melted against me, slipping his tongue between my teeth in sweet surrender. I welcomed him in with a moan. He cradled the back of my neck, holding me right where he wanted me, and I gladly let him take over. I leaned into the kiss, loving the feel of his touch.

Good gosh, he knew what he was doing, I don’t know how. He’d hardly dated the entire time I’d known him. Then again he’d had a high school and college career before I ever met him.

This is a terrible idea. The worst you’ve ever had! one half of my brain shouted. What about Madden?

Quit freaking out, the other half retorted . You always freak out and you never enjoy anything.

You can’t do this.

I can. And I am. For once in my life, I’m doing what I want because I want to.

I switched my mind off—closed for business—and leaned into the kiss.

And what a kiss it was. The confidence, the give and take, the ebb and flow were unlike any I’d ever experienced. Certainly unlike any of Madden’s and my kisses. Ash ripped his mouth from mine and my heart dropped, thinking he was done. But then he pressed kisses up the bridge of my nose, across my forehead, and back down to my lips like a man deliriously in love.

Did Ashton love me?

I could think about it later. Pick it apart as I fell asleep grinning.

Madden!

I shoved his name out of my mind and sunk into the ecstasy that was kissing Ashton Dupree. Currents of delicious heat licked over every erogenous zone on my body, threatening to consume me like a raging wildfire. And, oh, did I want to be consumed. His lips probed mine, as desperate and hungry as I felt, and both sides of my head finally seemed to agree as it screamed, this is what you’ve been missing ?

I clawed at him, trying to get closer.

“Tally,” he breathed, my name sounding like a cherished treasure on his lips. “We can’t.” But then his mouth was back on mine, firmer than before.

I pressed into him harder, making sure there was no more room for talking. Only kisses. That’s all I wanted.

But that wasn’t true. I wanted more. Way more.

It was too much.

It wasn’t enough.

Hot.

Heavy.

Terrifying.

Wonderful.

Wild.

Frantic.

Everything I’d just told Brook and Anna felt like a lie because all I could think was how I wished we were horizontal instead of vertical. And that we were somewhere more private. I untucked the front of his shirt and placed my hands, fully palmed, against his rock-hard abs. He shuddered and then came back even harder. A growl purred in his throat. Before I knew what was happening, his hands hooked around my thighs and I was off the ground, my legs snaking around his waist, locking him in, drawing him to me. He pinned me against the wall and I gasped for air, my head dizzy, my heart thundering.

Stop!

Absolutely. Do. Not. Stop.

You are out of control. Rein it in!

Abort! Abort!

All!

Systems!

GO!

Someone swore behind us. I swore in my head. Madden . My heart dropped at the same time Ashton set me on the ground with a thud. Then he stepped back, looking stunned. At me? At himself? I wasn’t sure. I couldn’t see over his shoulder, and truth be told, I didn’t want to .

Without him wrapped around me, the cold air hit like I’d taken a head-first, full-body plunge into a pool of ice water. What just happened? I was like a wild animal attacking her prey. I hugged myself, mortified.

I peeked up at Ash, wondering what he must think of me. He wiped his mouth, looking completely sideswiped. But then his eyes anchored to mine and there was a fire there that said whatever happened next, he didn’t regret it.

Did I?

“Tally?” Madden’s tone was livid. No, hurt. Definitely hurt. As he should be. “Are you kidding me right now?” His voice cracked. He was about to cry. Or kill someone.

Ashton stepped to the side and Madden came into view. Holy crap. I winced. It wasn’t just Madden. It was Anna, Blue, Ford, and Holden too. Each wide-eyed and open-mouthed.

“Found ‘em,” Holden breathed, looking like he’d been hit with the shock of his life.

Ford glanced at Holden, not looking shocked at all. “You owe me fifty bucks.” They’d made a bet? Then he looked at Ashton. “Damn, big bro. I didn’t know you had it in you.”

“Shut. Up.” Ashton tried to destroy him with his eyes.

Any second now, Madden was going to tackle Ashton. It was all over his face, in every muscle of his tensed body. So I stepped in front of Ash as a shield of protection.

The click of a camera sounded behind them, blinding me. “Smile.”

Everyone turned. A member of the paparazzi was grinning at our group. His camera flashed again. My hands went up to my cheeks, wishing I could hide. Panic filled my lungs. With Ford right there, we were all about to be in the news.

Madden took a step toward Ashton, his anger overriding logic. Blue grabbed him by the shoulders, holding him in place.

Ashton swore and gripped his hair with his hands. All the things I should’ve been thinking about before the kiss came roaring into my mind. If this got out, I could lose my fellowship. A fellowship that paid my tuition and that Ashton had helped me get. But it would be equally bad for him. He could lose his chance at tenure. At JRC, professors weren’t allowed to “fraternize” with students. Even master’s students.

“I’m getting a two-for tonight.” The man with the camera smiled giddily. “Rocket’s Romance Implodes: Frist's Fiancée Falls for Sibling of Ford Dupree.” He snapped his fingers. “Oh, I’ve got a better one. Slap Shot to the Heart: Frist's Fiancée Scores with Dupree.”

Ford walked over, grabbed the guy’s camera, lifted it above his head, and sent it smashing to the ground. It was uncharacteristic of him. Ford was famous for schmoozing the pap, as the Duprees called them. Prided himself on getting along with anyone .

“That’s a four thousand dollar camera! The lens was three thousand alone.”

“Settle down,” Ford said in a practiced calm voice. “I’ll buy you a new one. And I’ll give you an exclusive. But that,” he pointed to us, “Can not run. Do you understand me?” That part was threatening.

“An exclusive?”

“That’s what I said.”

The guy blurted the word, “Deal.” Ford grabbed the man’s arm and walked him around the building.

I caught my breath just long enough to lose it again when I looked at Madden.

“How long has this been going on?” Madden snarled, his fury aimed at Ash.

“It hasn’t.” I shook my head, my tone pleading. “It just happened tonight.”

His expression was dangerous. “Move, Tally. ”

Ash tried to step around me, taking it like a man, but I held my arms out, making myself a barrier between them.

“Madden, calm down,” I said carefully as if guiding him off a landmine.

“Move!” he raged.

I took one tentative step away from Ash and toward him. “Hey, it’s not?—”

That's all I got out before he lunged for Ashton, shoving me out of the way, his fist flying through the air like a wrecking ball. It connected with Ashton’s face, causing a loud crunch. I screamed. Anna shrieked. But Ash just stood there, arms at his side, not even surprised. Looking like he deserved it. Everything was silent for half a second before Madden sent another fist flying. Holden and Blue were on him after that, pulling him back. He roared like a crazed lunatic, saying he was going to kill Ash.

And then my six foot-five man, my gentle giant, broke down, hands on his knees, crying like a little boy.

But he wasn’t mine anymore and he never would be. And it was no one’s fault but my own. I wanted to reach out and comfort him but that would make it worse.

Ash looked at me, his beautiful eyes full of hurt. I couldn’t let them think he’d done this.

“It’s my fault. I initiated everything.” I finally felt the shame I should’ve felt earlier. But that only made Madden cry harder.

“Tal,” Anna said softly, disappointed, but that was it. No one else spoke a word.

Ashton, whose nose was bleeding, gave me a curt nod before walking away. My lungs felt like they were full of hardened concrete as I watched him disappear around the corner.

I looked at Madden, his chest heaving, the pain of my betrayal all over his face. He would hate me forever. I’d hate myself. I was so screwed up .

But I already knew that. Some wounds simply leave scars that never heal right.

I slipped off the ring I never should’ve let him slip on in the first place and put it into his hand. “I’m so sorry. You’ll thank me one day. You deserve so much better than me.”

I gave him one last look, and then I walked in the opposite direction of Ash, completely alone.

Which is exactly what I deserved.