Here’s the Thing (Seddledowne #4)

Chapter 7 – Tally

seven

TALLY

She never told her love, But let concealment, like a worm i' the bud, Feed on her damask cheek. She pined in thought, And with a green and yellow melancholy, She sat like Patience on a monument, Smiling at grief. Was not this love indeed?"

— WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

I tore the brush over my hair, raking through the snarls. Some people angry-clean when they’re stressed. I angry brush my hair. Between the emotional rager Brianna was putting Mom and I through and the fact that we were heading to Ford’s new place for Ashton’s birthday party—an event I had very reluctantly agreed to attend—my hands were practically convulsing.

“Brianna, we picked up the kids. We took them for the weekend so you could go to your job interview like you asked,” I said over speakerphone in the calmest tone I could muster. “Please lower your voice. They’re sleeping in the back seat. But you are on speakerphone.”

“Well, take me off speakerphone, Tally,” she snapped.

I glanced over at Mom who was driving and who looked as beat down as I felt. I punched the button to move the call.

“Okay,” I said. “You’re not on speakerphone anymore.”

“Thank you,” she clipped. “Like I said, it’s time for you to take over. I can’t have the kids holding me back anymore.”

“They’re not holding you back,” I hissed. “They love you and you’re acting like a complete?—”

“I love them too! They’re my everything.” Her voice shook, on the verge of tears, and it stabbed me in the heart. “But I’ve done this alone long enough. It’s my turn to go live my dreams. The same way you’ve been living yours.”

A deluge of guilt swept over me. She’d been through so much. And she’d been doing it by herself since Cam left. But I ached for the kids. Their life was being upended once again.

I could hardly hear her over the noise of the New York City traffic. “I get it, Bri. I’m sorry things turned out this way and I’m sorry about Cam. Mom and I already talked about it and we’ll take them as soon as the diploma is in my hand. But you also need to realize that Theo and Charlie are going to be traumatized if you step out of their lives.”

“You think I don’t know that?” She sounded like she was about to crack. “But I have to find a way to provide for myself. I’m walking into this job interview, and I am going to nail this dish if it’s the last thing I do. And if I get the job, I’m moving up here. So you and Mom might need to shift the timeline. I need a win, okay? And I need it now!”

Gauging from Mom’s expression, she’d heard every word.

I turned to face Mom, pleading silently for help. She reached out and squeezed my hand.

“I don’t know how I’m supposed to take care of them right now,” I said to Brianna. “Mom’s place isn’t big enough and my apartment definitely isn’t, even if Brooklyn was okay with it.” I doubted she would be. Brooklyn didn’t like kids. I wasn’t sure she’d ever have any of her own. I shoved a hand into my hair. “You’d seriously have us move them this late in the school year?” There were less than three months left.

“C’mon, Tal, even you have to agree that if I get this job, I need to take it. Would you really want me to pass up a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity like this?”

I don’t know that I’d call “household chef for a family of four” —which was just a trumped up title for a glorified nanny—a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, but it was her dream. “No, you need to do it. I get that.”

Mom squeezed my hand again. “We’ll figure it out,” she whispered. “Just let her do this.” I was pretty sure from the determination in Brianna’s voice that I couldn’t stop her if I tried.

Brianna let out an ear-splitting whistle making me flinch. Looked like she’d already mastered hailing a cab. “Then we agree,” she said. “If I get the job, you and Mom will take the kids.”

I sighed as I watched Theo and Charlie sleeping in the rearview mirror. “Yeah.” I ached for them. First, they’d lost their dad who just took off one day without so much as a goodbye. Now they were going to lose their mom too. Brianna would get this job. If she was nothing else, she was a phenomenal chef. She deserved this. Who was I to hold her back? “Go live your dreams, Bri. We’re cheering for you from Seddledowne.”

“Thank you, sis.”

We hung up and I leaned my cheek against the cool glass of the passenger side window. Mom let go of my hand and returned to the business of driving.

When we turned onto the back road where Ford’s ranch was located, my stomach clenched. “I wish you hadn’t agreed for us to eat over here,” I said.

Seeing Ashton in class three times a week, while Ashley sat next to me, posting her TikTok’s about his bedroom eyes, had frazzled my nerves. And now, she’d moved on to his lips and his butt. His very fine butt. So whenever my brain decided to take a moment of downtime from replaying our kiss—which had seared itself into my long-term—it was now bombarding me with visuals of Ashton’s various toned body parts. Just awesome.

I’d already turned down an invite from Anna. Things between Ash and I were tense enough. We didn’t need an audience. But Mom had run into Anna’s grandma, Jenny, when she was getting her car inspected two hours ago. So now we were eating dinner with the Duprees. All of them. If I’d had more notice I would’ve done my hair and washed my clothes. As it was, I was down to my last too-tight T-shirt and my hair had been in a braid for two days.

“I told you, you don’t have to come if you don’t want to.” Mom smiled at the rearview. They were conked out. Theo on the bottom, with Charlie lying across his back.

“I don’t really have a choice.” I exhaled the stress out through my nose. Sending Mom to eat with the Duprees without me would make me look even more selfish and bratty than kissing Ashton and breaking Madden’s heart. They already probably thought I was a terrible person. I didn’t need to add to that.

Mom sighed. “The Duprees have been very good to us. And I thought you might like to celebrate your friend’s birthday.”

My friend? I hadn’t spoken to Ashton in months. Her tone hinted that she did not approve of how I’d handled the fallout from The Kiss. And by handled, I mean, not handling it at all .

I grabbed the end of my hair, working through a tangle. “Just because they let us live in Sophie’s old place for a couple of months once doesn’t mean we have to be best friends with them for the rest of our lives. Even if it is Ash’s birthday. I doubt he even wants me there.” We’d lived at Sophie’s my junior year of high school when we were between houses. And yes, I normally loved the Duprees. That wasn’t the problem.

The problem was that maybe I loved one of them too much.

I’d had a lot of time to think on it over the past couple of months, and the longer I had, the more the feelings had settled in. I was hoping the opposite would be true and that I could just move on. But no.

“Take a deep breath, honey,” Mom said. “It’s just a meal with some friends. I think this is a metaphorical smoking of the peace pipe.” She squeezed my hand. “They love you, Tal. They just want you to know it.”

Those words made my chest tighten. They shouldn’t love me. “What kind of terrible person kisses one guy when she’s engaged to another?”

Mom rubbed circles over my knuckles. “The kind who’s confused and trying to figure out if she’s doing the right thing. It doesn’t make you a bad person, sweetie. Better to know before you said I do.”

But she was wrong. I was a bad person. Good people didn’t do the things I’d done.

The words of my therapist slammed into my mind the way they did every time I had that thought. You didn’t do something bad. Something bad happened to you. Big difference.

Mom gave me a soft smile. “It’s hard when you’re in love with a guy who terrifies you.” Her hand fell away as she hit the blinker to turn into the entrance of Ford’s compound.

She braked at the gate and typed in the code Jenny had given her .

My hands fell still in my lap. “Are we talking about Madden or Ash?”

“You tell me.”

I leaned my head against the glass. “Ash.”

The gate began to open.

“Yeah,” she whispered. “I know.” She pressed on the gas. “His age scares you, doesn’t it?”

I met her gaze. “That’s only the beginning of what scares me.”

The further I got from The Kiss, the more I realized maybe I hadn’t been in love with Madden. I’d been in love with the idea of loving Madden. He was safe and kind and patient. And boring. I hated admitting that to myself. There were probably hundreds of women who’d chop off their right arm for a chance at that hot, hockey-playing hunk. I just wasn’t one of them. Jocks had never really been my thing until him. We’d had nothing in common. Our relationship had been nothing but painful pauses and uncomfortable silence.

But Ashton? Every minute with him was full of conversation—heated or hilarious. I never knew what he’d say next. It was my favorite thing to try and figure it out, only to have him prove me wrong.

But one touch of his lips and I’d lost my mind. Thrown every bit of caution to the wind. If we’d been somewhere private, and no one had interrupted us…I couldn’t even think it. In four years of dating Madden, I’d never experienced that kind of out-of-control, all-consuming, heady rush.

I never wanted to experience it again.

I wanted it so badly that it infiltrated my every thought.

I’d only been to Ford’s new place once before, but this ranch, much like Dupree Ranch, was breathtaking. Rolling hills, thick, lush fields of grass, blackboard fences that enclosed horses whose tails flipped up lazily as they grazed. But I couldn’t even enjoy it. My insides felt dark and heavy with regret.

“I messed up, Mom.”

“Hmm. Or maybe you started something brand new.” Her face was full of pleading. “Give it a chance?”

“No, I’ll just end up hurting him in the end.” The same way I’d hurt Madden. “And he doesn’t want me. He’s done nothing to reach out. Not even a text.”

“Have you reached out to him?”

I shook my head, but that was a lie. I’d reached out to him once. But only to shut the whole thing down.

We turned into the circular driveway and pulled in right behind Ashton’s truck. As soon as our car was in park, Theo and Charlie woke up and unbuckled their seat belts.

Ash had gotten a new license plate. “FCC1701?”

“That’s the USS Enterprise’s registry number. Ash finally got it.” Theo pumped his fist, his lisp getting the better of him. “Yes!”

“Yes!” Charlie mimicked. But she probably didn’t know what the USS Enterprise was. She was excited about spending the afternoon with Griffin and Liam, the two Dupree grandkids she got along with best.

“Ash- ton , remember?” I caught Theo’s eye in the mirror as he stood up. We’d talked about what the lisp did to Ash’s shortened name many times.

“ Assshhh -ton,” Theo very carefully said.

I smiled. “Good job, bud.” I tilted my head. “But don’t forget what we talked about?”

“My birthday was yesterday.” He bobbed his head. “Today is about Asssshhhh -ton.” Then he grinned adorably, flung the door open, and ran for the house. Charlie climbed out behind him.

Mom squeezed my knee. “You just need to give him a chance. Talk to him. ”

I glanced over at her and shook my head. “There’s no point. He comes from such a good family.” I waved my hand at the veritable mansion in front of us. “They would never want me if they knew.”

Her lips pursed and she frowned. “I think you’re wrong. They’re more accepting than you think.”

We followed Theo and Charlie to the front door. Theo reached up and pushed the doorbell.

Mom’s face scrunched and she tilted her head, listening. “What is that?”

I focused for a second and snorted when I recognized, “Ring of Fire,” by Johnny Cash in lieu of a standard doorbell chime. “Sounds like Ford is settling right in.”

The door flung open and Jenny stood there with a huge smile on her face. “Tally!” She pulled me into a hug like I hadn’t entangled her son in a humiliating mess. “We’re so glad you could make it.”

I squeezed but my eyes were drawn over her shoulder. I was right. Everyone was here. The inside of Ford’s living room was bouncing with the happiness that was a Dupree family gathering. Laughter, teasing, and a football game on TV. “Thanks for the invite.”

She let me go and hugged Mom.

Anna walked up smiling. “Hey, girl. Glad you could make it.” She slid an arm around my waist, not giving me crap about how I’d turned her invitation down, and yet I was here anyway. That was Anna though. Never judging and never taking my reluctance to open up personally. That’s why we’d become fast friends when I moved to Seddledowne. I let myself lean into her, relaxing.

“What up, Tally?” Blue fist-bumped me as he took in the room. “This place is ridiculous, isn’t it?” Now that he was a famous football star, I often forgot that he grew up in a single-wide trailer. I studied him for a second, wondering if he harbored any ill feelings toward me since breaking his best friend’s heart. He caught me watching him and grinned, dimple appearing.

“Totally,” I agreed. “Is Madden okay?” I asked softly. I’d called him, and texted, a couple of times. He wouldn’t respond and I couldn’t blame him.

Anna, whose hand was resting on Blue’s chest, gave me a sad smile.

Blue’s nose scrunched. “He will be. He’s tough.” He winked, letting me know we were okay but there was a tinge of worry in his expression. So Madden was not doing well.

One by one the women pulled me into hugs, telling me how happy they were that I’d come. Holden and Silas fist-bumped me, which I appreciated. I’d trained them all years ago that I wasn’t a hugger. At least not with men. They never questioned why, which I appreciated. I hated it when I had to lie.

Except for Bo. He gave me a tight squeeze anyway. Which was okay. Hugging him felt like I was hugging my dad. Safe and peaceful. “Hey, darlin’. Got ribs cooking in the smoker. I know how much you like ‘em.”

“Yes, sir.” I could barely breathe, he was squishing me so tight. “I’m starving, so I hope you made enough for everyone else.”

“Sure did.” He chuckled. “Eat all you want.”

When he finally let me go, I looked around. I could see Charlie in the backyard, playing on a school-sized playground with Liam and Griffin. Ford had it installed since the last time I’d been here. Looked like he was trying to steal the title of Fun Uncle from Ashton. But Theo was nowhere. I walked through the house, searching. After five long minutes of my heart in my throat, I was almost certain he’d been kidnapped.

Until I found him and Ash on the floor of what looked to be a library room, building a Death Star Lego set. I only knew it was the Death Star because of the box. From the looks of things, Ashton had been waiting for Theo to arrive before he tore into it.

My heart stuttered at the sight of him, hunched over, kneeling next to Theo, his tongue peeking out of the corner of his mouth in deep concentration. James, Silas and Lemon’s almost nine-year-old, was there too, quietly helping. He was tall and thin, dark-haired and blue-eyed, like Silas.

I hadn’t seen Ashton in anything but professional attire in months. But today he was in a pair of jeans and a long-sleeved Virginia Tech T-shirt, barefoot. He looked good casual. Comfortable. The shirt looked soft and I wanted to touch it and find out. I was pretty sure Ash hadn’t noticed me yet and I wanted to keep it that way.

He gently squeezed Theo’s shoulder. “You got it. Nice job.”

I watched for a few more minutes and finally shifted against the wall. His head came up. Our eyes met and I gave him a soft smile. He didn’t smile back, just watched me, with no emotion. His blue eyes tugged at me and I had to fight the pull to walk over to him.

The longer he looked at me, the faster my pulse raced. But, I reminded myself I was safe here, fifteen feet away. No lips would be touching from this distance.

“Somebody got an expensive Lego for their birthday,” I said, breaking the silence. I knew full well how much the Death Star cost. A kid in Theo’s class had gotten one for Christmas and it was all Theo talked about. But after checking the price on Amazon, I knew it was impossible. We had an old pickle jar we shoved spare change in to save up. Theo had printed a picture of the Death Star off the internet and taped it on the outside with the words Jar Jar Clinks written beneath. Clever kid. So far, there was twenty-seven dollars and thirty cents. At the rate we were going, it would be a post- graduate purchase. Very post. As in, a few years out at the earliest.

Theo glanced up, his eyes dancing. “Can you believe it, Aunt Tally? It’s the Death Star.”

James smiled, happy to help. He was such a kind, thoughtful kid.

“I know,” I said. “Whoever bought that must’ve taken a second mortgage out on their house.” Ford probably bought it as a birthday present for Ashton.

Ashton looked at Theo and picked up another piece.

“Is that right, Funcle Ash?” James asked quietly, showing him a part he’d completed. I smiled at the name. Ashton had trained all his nieces and nephews to call him Funcle. Said Fun Uncle was too long, so he combined the title.

“Yup.” His head bobbed. “Good job.”

Theo bounced on his knees. “Can I help with the next part?”

“’Course you can. It’s your Lego set. You can tell us, ‘hands off,’ right now and build it all yourself if you want.”

“It’s mine?” Theo asked, shocked.

“Yeah.” Ashton chuckled.

My mouth parted slightly. “Uh, nuh, no. You can’t give him that?”

Ashton glanced up wearing a blank expression. “It’s his birthday present.”

“No way.” I shook my head. “I know how much it costs.”

Theo looked up at me, tears welling in his eyes. “Please?” My heart squeezed at how badly he wanted it. I didn’t want to hurt him but I knew Ashton wasn’t rolling in the dough.

“I found it for cheap on Ebay.” Ash shrugged, his blue eyes hypnotizing me. “And I just got my tax return.” There was a pleading in his tone asking me not to make a big deal out of this. Maybe what he was really saying was, don’t make a big deal out of this like you did the kiss .

I held his stare for a few seconds longer, then I gave a small nod. “Yeah. Okay.”

Theo hopped up, ran over, and squeezed me around my middle. “Thank you, Aunt Tally!”

“It’s not me you should be thanking.” I nodded to Ashton.

“Thank you, Asshhh -ton.” Then he walked over and threw his arms around Ash’s neck.

Ash squeezed him tight and I was pretty sure I’d never seen anything more attractive. “You’re welcome, pal.”

“Dinner’s ready!” Jenny called from the kitchen. “Has anyone seen the birthday boys?”

Theo sprinted toward the door. I caught him by the arm and raised a brow. “Remember what we talked about?”

He looked up, his big brown eyes brimming with happiness, bouncing on his toes. “Ash says this birthday dinner is for me too.” Then he tore out of the room with James right behind him.

I glanced at Ashton who was on his feet, stretching. A slice of skin peeked out from the hem of his shirt. Abs. Rock solid abs. The memory of what they felt like beneath my fingertips released a kaleidoscope of butterflies in my stomach.

When his arms dropped and the skin disappeared, my eyes slid up his chest to his face. There was a cocky smirk waiting for me. I’d been caught.

My face heated. “Thanks for doing that for Theo.” I waved a hand at the Legos. “And for including him today.”

“Of course.” He walked toward me and I dropped my eyes, checking my fingernails. So cliche. As he stepped around me—close enough that I could smell the MontBlanc—I tensed. With his mouth right next to my ear, he whispered, “Theo and I know how to be friends.”

He took a step away but I caught him by the elbow. He looked over, eyes hooded, and I searched them. I didn’t want to say it. Was terrified of his response. But I made myself anyway. I’d known him too long—he meant too much—for things to continue this way. “I really miss your friendship. Can you ever forgive me? Maybe…pretend it never happened?”

His expression turned hard. Not hard compared to how a normal guy would’ve reacted to The Kiss and my subsequent Walk of Shame. But for Ash, yeah. His gaze dropped to my mouth and my fists curled beside me.

Lips off, Ash.

Then he looked me dead in the eyes and very slowly said, “No. I don’t think I can do that.”