Here’s the Thing (Seddledowne #4)

Chapter 11 – Tally

eleven

TALLY

Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it.

— RABINDRANATH TAGORE

D r. Booker, my therapist, was posed with her pad propped on her thigh, her pen waiting. “You know what I think the most significant part of what happened in your room is? It’s not something you’ve mentioned, so I don’t think it’s occurred to you yet.”

“What?”

“Ashton, who you’ve described as strong and tall, lots of muscles…” She winked. “Was in your room with you, alone, in your bed, with the door shut, and that’s not what caused you distress.” Her brow was raised in question.

I nodded. “You’re right.”

“Why is that?”

I thought about it for a moment. “Because Ashton wouldn’t hurt me. He’d never take advantage of me, and he doesn’t cross my boundaries.”

“Exactly.” She smiled softly. “So I think we know that’s not why you asked him to leave then, is it?”

I shook my head.

“Let’s unpack the whys. If Ashton is safe, why would you oust him from your room?”

I sunk into the couch. “I panicked, okay? He drops this bomb that he’s Leggs and he’s been in love with me all this time and I…freaked out.”

“I can see how that would be overwhelming.” She wrote something else on her pad. I always wondered if she was playing hangman. I snickered at that thought. “That’s a good start. Let’s keep going. What about Ashton’s confession scared you?”

My hand fisted around the hem of my shirt as I thought. “I dunno…it’s Ashton. He’s always been…a constant. He’s been a safe person for me.”

“I hear a but.”

My shoulders hunched and I stared at my lap. “But a relationship with him means he’s going to want more. And more means…”

“Intimacy?”

I nodded, my hands shaking at the thought.

“It doesn’t have to be right away. You get a say in that.”

“I know. But eventually.”

“You know, the fact that he’ll want to be intimate with you, even eventually, doesn’t mean he’s not safe. It means he feels deeply for you. If he loves you, he’s going to want to show you. To make you happy. Intimacy is part of that.”

“I know that!” My voice was too loud, too intense. I forced myself to release a slow exhale. “Logically, I know that. But emotionally? I feel like I’m stuck in perpetual fight or flight mode.”

“And flight won this round?”

The laugh that came out of my throat sounded like someone slightly unhinged. “I couldn’t very well fight him, could I?” My gaze dropped to my lap. “Ashton would never fight me. That’s not what I meant.”

“Because, as we’ve already established, he’s safe.”

“Yeah.” I nodded. But then I shook my head. “But he doesn’t feel safe because he’s not like Madden at all.”

“How so?”

“Well…” I chewed my lip. “Madden never pushed. He was willing to take whatever scraps I gave him. When we very first started dating and I told him no sex, he said okay. If I didn’t want to kiss, we didn’t kiss. If I didn’t want to go out, we stayed in. If I didn’t feel like seeing him, he accepted it.” I looked up at Dr. Booker. “That sounds terrible now that I’ve said it out loud.” Madden really did deserve so much better.

“I think you need to understand that you didn’t realize that’s what you were doing. Give yourself some grace. And we can discuss Madden more later. But I’d like to circle back to Ashton for a bit.” She adjusted in her chair. “Why do you think you panicked when Ashton told you he loved you, but you never did when Madden told you the same thing?”

The walls felt like they were closing in a bit. I made myself push through anyway. “Because Ashton isn’t going to be satisfied with scraps.”

“Why do you say that? What is it about his behavior that’s led you to that conclusion?”

“Well, he hasn’t texted me since I sent him away. And he didn’t push me about the kiss. It’s like he’s saying, I’m not going to grovel. I’m not going to pressure you or beg you for whatever you’ll give me. If you didn’t want me based on that kiss, if you don’t want to love me back, your loss, ”

“And that kind of confidence scares you? ”

“It terrifies me.” I ran a hand over my forehead. “I lost control of myself when we kissed.”

“You have strong chemistry.”

“Yeah. We do.” Just remembering the kiss put a fire low in my belly. “But I’m also scared of him not pursuing this. I drew a boundary and he hasn’t tried to cross it. Part of me wishes he would. Because…” I groaned. “What if I scared him off for good?” My hands came up in a mind-blown gesture. “I’m a mess.”

“No, you have emotions that are battling each other. That’s normal.” But then Dr. Booker grinned. “It sounds to me like he knows what he wants and he’s not willing to settle for less. That he’s not going to grovel. But also, when he sets his mind on something, he’s all in.”

“It’s completely overwhelming,” I whispered.

She propped her elbows on her knees and leaned forward to look at me. “See, I think that’s the kind of love you deserve. Someone who’s going to challenge you. Who’s going to make sure your relationship is as full and rich as it can be.”

I cowered in my seat. “I don’t know if I want that.”

“Tally, have you considered that maybe you’re not running from Ashton?”

I met her eye. “What do you mean?”

“I think maybe you’re running from being vulnerable. You’re running from the opportunity to be loved. Why?”

Fear struck me in the chest, which, as Dr. Booker and I had discussed many times, was a signal that we were on the right track. I looked around the room and at my therapist, reminding myself that I was safe here. This was the right place to explore the things that scared me most.

“What if I can’t?” It came out in a hush. “What if I’m too broken? What if I try to have a relationship with him and it doesn’t work? I think it would break me even more.”

“You’re not broken.” Her tone was as gentle as her smile. “ You’re healing. And healing isn’t linear. I know we wish it was. But that’s not how it works. It’s messy and scary and sometimes it feels like you’re moving backwards. But every step, even the backwards ones, are part of the journey.”

I thought about that for a second, my entire body stiff with fear and…hope? “So what do I do?”

“Ultimately that’s up to you. But you might want to ask yourself if you’re willing to live without Ashton. If some other woman walked up tomorrow and took him off your hands, would you be relieved or devastated?”

My hands went up to my cheeks and I sat there, ruminating on it. “Maybe a bit of both.”

She shook her head with a smile. “I don’t think so. One would be the dominating emotion. Your job is to figure out which one.” She pointed at me with her pen. “I think you need to give this relationship a chance. Go out with him a few times.”

“L-like on dates?” I gulped.

“Yes, exactly.” Her head tilted the other way. “Like everything else we’ve done in therapy, you gotta put in the work.”

The next Wednesday, sitting in Fiction Thesis Writing class once again, it took everything in me not to yank Ashley’s phone from her hands and fling it across the room.

She giggled as she zoomed in.

Today it was Ashton’s shoulders. Every time he changed position, she added another clip to her TikTok. Resting against his desk, walking with his arms folded across his chest, writing on the white board, leaning over to help Drew Milton find the right page in the book. Click, click, click.

Ashton stood behind the podium. “Now that your research is done and your papers are turned in, I’d like to discuss what everyone thought of In The Day of Abandonment. Ferrante doesn’t simply tell the story of a woman unraveling after her husband’s sudden departure; she immerses us in the raw, visceral experience of?—”

“I’m immersed in the raw, visceral experience that is Professor Dupree,” Ashley said in a sultry tone.

My teeth clenched so hard I heard a crack in the back of my jaw. I rubbed my mouth and narrowed my eyes at the side of her head.

“How about…Tally?” Ashton said.

My head snapped around. “Uh, sorry, what was that?” I felt my cheeks flush.

Ashton’s head tilted like he was disappointed that I was distracted. But it was his fault. His and Ashley’s. Ninety percent his though. After what happened, how could he stand up in front of the class like everything was normal? I was completely frazzled just being in the same room with him and all I was doing was sitting.

He repeated his question. “Can you tell us about the symbolism of Olga’s apartment?”

“Yes, tell us, Tally,” Ashley whispered in a breathy voice reminiscent of Marilyn Monroe singing Happy Birthday to JFK.

“Uh, okay,” my voice trembled, half flustered from Ashley’s seductress impression, and half flustered at the way Ash’s blue eyes were searching me like they always did.

I slowly tore the perforated edge of my notebook paper as I responded. “Olga’s apartment becomes a prison and a battlefield.”

“How so?” Ashton prodded.

I inhaled, trying to focus on the story. But I hated this book. Hated every man who used a woman and broke their heart the way Olga’s husband, Mario, did. “It’s a prison because she falls apart there. She caves in and doubts everything about herself.”

Ash held my stare and I could see the questions in his eyes. Was that what I was doing? Doubting everything about myself? And if so, would I ever be able to move past it?

My gaze skittered away, back to my perforated edge. “But it’s a battlefield because that’s where she realizes she can do this. So what if her piece of crap husband left her for another woman? Who needs a man like that anyway? She saves her son when he’s sick and she didn’t need a man to help her do it.”

Ashton watched me for a long, uncomfortable moment. Then he cleared his throat and asked another question to Garrett across the room and the relief leaked out of me.

“Careful, girl. Those words smack of a man-hater.” Ashley sent yet another TikTok off into the universe.

I tore the page the rest of the way. “I just answered the question.”

“It was your tone.” She swayed her pen in the air like a metronome. “How do you think he broke his hand?”

I winced at the question. I now knew exactly how he’d broken it. He’d punched something when he left his office. Right after he found out I was Austen. That was obvious.

She flicked her hair off her shoulder. “Do you have a Sharpie? Maybe he’ll let me be the first to sign it.”

I pretended not to hear.

She giggled. “Maybe he high-fived his reflection in the mirror too enthusiastically. If I looked like that I’d high five myself too.”

“Ashley,” I whisper-shouted as I pinched my fingers in a zen yoga pose. “Did you take a Viagra before you came to class?”

“Looking at him is all the Viagra I will ever need.”

Oh, good grief. This class couldn’t end quickly enough .

She practically licked her lips. “You said his niece is your best friend? So you’ve probably spent a fair bit of time around him not on campus. Have you ever seen him without his shirt on?”

An image of Ashton at the Dupree’s lake filled my mind. Shirtless, his chest bedazzled with water droplets, grinning after doing a killer backflip off the dock. Abs, pecs, biceps. I felt faint at the mere memory.

“No,” I blurted.

“Ashley,” Ashton called. He shoved his hand into the pocket of his slacks. “Could you tell us how the novel grapples with themes of guilt and redemption?”

I let myself watch him. He was so comfortable in his skin. The opposite of me. I faked every second of my life. We were so unequally matched. It’s just a fact, the same way the sun rises every morning. It’s like God made my heart for one purpose and one purpose only. To love Tallulah Hawkins. How could that be true? Why would he want me ?

When Ashley was done and he’d moved on to someone else, she leaned over. “Seriously, though. Do you think you could put in a word with him for me?”

“He’s our professor,” I said, with too much bite in my tone.

“For thirty two more days. The minute I have that diploma in my hot little hand, it’s no holds barred, baby. Maybe I’ll lay one on him as soon as they hand it to me, right there in front of everybody.” She grunted. “You better believe I am going to be all over that.”

I choked on my own spit. And choked and choked. Ashley pounded me on the back. My eyes watered and I coughed, wishing I had a water bottle. Everyone went quiet. No paper rustling. No whispering about the paper that was due. Even Ashton stopped talking and looked at me.

I gulped and waved him on. Thankfully he started back up, but there was a tentative edge to his voice, and a sidelong glance, like he was ready to sprint over and do the Heimlich if need be. Like he could save me from my own traitorous saliva.

Once I found air again, and everyone had forgotten about my near death experience, I shifted in my seat, my stomach coiled like a sparking live wire. “Has he given you any reason to think he’d be interested?”

Ashley shrugged. “I mean, no, but I’m sure I could get him to see things my way. If you catch my drift.” I glanced down at her outfit, suddenly annoyed at her tendency to always wear the tightest shirts possible. I’d never seen a woman with so many form-fitting tops. Did she go around to the sorority houses borrowing every chest hugging blouse she could find?

She turned to me. “Just put the idea in his head for me. I mean, hello? How cute would that be? Ashton and Ashley Dupree.”

Not cute at all. More like vomitous. Repugnant. Disgusterous. But mostly…flat out, Over My Dead Body, Not Happening.

“We could be Ash squared.” She pleaded with her big blue eyes. Gah. Even their eyes were the same color. Ashley’s weren’t as light. But they were a solid, steady blue. “Please, for me, the very best study buddy of all time.” Her brows flicked up. “The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.”

I almost swallowed my vocal cords at her Oscar Wilde quote.

We had been study partners for the past year and a half. But the best study buddy? Hardly. That was Ashton. Though, I guess it helped when your study buddy had a PhD in English lit.

Being her study partner for as long as I had, I knew a few things about Ashley. Mostly I knew that she slept around. A lot. Even on the first date. Sometimes even when she knew the date was a dud. Honestly, I’d kind of been in awe. To be that unashamed about your body was something I’d never known.

But if Ashton went out with her…

The thought of it made my chest tighten and my heart pound so hard it felt like it was going to burst out of my ribcage. I couldn’t let that happen.

Deep breaths. Think, Tally, think. It took less than five seconds to see that there was really only one clear path.

Lock. Him. Down.

If I really was The Girl, as Ashton said, then I didn’t need to panic. I had this in the bag. But another look at Ashley’s snug shirt and her greedy eyes and panic was all I felt.

I gave Ashley a small smile. “I just think I shouldn’t get involved.”

She studied me. “Is there a reason you don’t want to get involved?”

“No.” I fought the urge to squirm. “Just what I said. Besides, you don’t need my help. Trust me.” The words felt like acid on my tongue.

Her eyes returned to their normal size. “Ok.” Her brows flicked up. “Thirty-two days. I’m going to make a countdown timer.”

With her attention on the lecture, I pulled out my phone and turned in the other direction, careful not to let Ashton see. I didn’t need him taking my phone away and seeing what I was about to write.

Me: My therapist thinks I should go out with Ashton a few times. See if there’s something there. Do you think you and Blue could double with us?

Anna’s texting bubbles wiggled immediately.

Anna: Screeeeech. I literally just tripped over my own feet. YES. Let’s do this thing! What about the day after graduation?

I glanced up at Ashton who was currently sparring with Garrett over Ferrante’s use of deep POV. Then I looked at Ashley, who was eying him like he was a basket of fresh-out-of-the-oven Texas Roadhouse rolls.

Me: No, I’m almost done. Let’s go ahead and do it. Are you free this weekend? I thought we could come to Blacksburg so there’s no chance we’ll be seen here in Sweet Grass.

I knew the NFL draft was the next weekend. Blue and Anna would be occupied celebrating with family after Blue was picked. We could go the weekend after but I didn’t want to wait that long. I needed to set things in motion ASAP.

Anna: Yeah, I don’t think we have anything going on. It’s the calm before the (hopeful) storm. It would be good to get out of these scrubs. There’s an international street fair here on Saturday. We could go to that.

Anna: Does Ashton know yet?

Me: I’m going to ask him as soon as class ends. Wish me luck.

Anna: All the prayers, good vibes, and juju, coming your way.

I was going to need it.

When class ended, Ashley took off so fast I was convinced she was going straight home to make that countdown timer. I took my time, packing my books into my bag, as I kept Ashton, who was erasing the white board, in my periphery.

When the auditorium was mostly empty, my heart thundering in my chest, I meandered over to him. A feeling of impending doom tried to chase me from the room, but I’d learned long ago that I couldn’t always trust that feeling. At least not when it talked me out of good people. Which Ash definitely was.

“Hey,” I said quietly, my hands in the back pockets of my jeans. “How’s your hand?”

“Hey.” He flexed the fingers on his casted hand and gave me a stiff smile.“It’s good.”

There was hurt in his eyes. And hesitation. He had to be so confused. Hopefully, I was about to change that.

“Good,” I said.

“Yeah.”

Super awkward.

He set the eraser in the tray. “What’s up?”

I hugged myself, feeling completely exposed. “So…I didn’t handle things very well the other day and I wanted to apologize.”

He relaxed a bit, his shoulders, which had been hunched, evened out to normal height and the clamp of his jaw loosened. “I’m sure you were shell-shocked.” He cracked the thumb knuckle on his good hand and waited for me to respond. When I took too long he added, “Did you want to talk about Spy, or…?” A groove formed between his brows. He was referring to my past.

“I’m not ready to talk about that,” I said quickly. “Any of it. Yet.” My lip quivered and I bit down to make it stop. “I actually wanted to talk to you about…” I shook my head. “I’ve had time to think it all through and…” My throat was suddenly dry. I swallowed. “I think we should go on a date,” I said with the speed of an auctioneer .

He blinked and for a second I thought he’d missed it. One brow quirked. “You do?”

“Yes.”

He scrubbed a hand over his face and I knew I was giving him whiplash. “You’re serious?”

“Yeah. Very.”

His lips quivered and I could tell he was trying not to smile. “Okay. I think that’s a good idea.” He rubbed his chin. “Yeah.”

“This Saturday. We’ll double with Anna and Blue. In Blacksburg.” Again, at auctioneer speed.

His eyes widened and I could see the protests coming about how he was still my professor.

No.

I needed him to do this. I looked around to make sure the room was empty. Then I kicked my plan into high gear.

I widened my eyes in mock surprise. “The craziest thing happened the other night.” I trailed my fingertips across his wrist and down his palm. His breath hitched. “There I was, minding my own business, and all of a sudden my professor was in my room.” His mouth fell open, stunned. “With the door shut .”

I could see the guilt in his expression.

“And then,” I whispered, my thumb tracing over his knuckles. “He got in bed with me. Completely scandalous. The nerve of the guy.” I shook my head and pursed my lips. “And you know what happened?”

He looked like he’d forgotten how to breathe.

“Absolutely nothing. The world didn’t spin off its axis. There was no big scandal on social media. No one found out.” I clicked my tongue. “Pretty boring actually.”

He sucked in a breath when the tip of my finger brushed the length of his forearm. Then I stepped back, putting him out of his misery .

His cheeks were pink. Ashton was a letter-of-the-law kind of guy. Not gonna lie, the fact that I’d gotten him to do something he shouldn’t—twice—felt kind of empowering. And completely terrifying. I shouldn’t have that kind of control over him.

“Tally.” His hands went to the back of his head, his biceps bulging out of the sleeves of his pale blue polo.

“That’s my name.”

His somber expression said he didn’t find this funny. At all.

I dropped the teasing. “I’ll drive myself and meet you at Anna’s. It’s just the four of us ‘hanging out.’” I made quote marks with my fingers. “We’ve done it lots of times.”

But this was different and I knew he knew it.

He stared at me for a few seconds, his eyes hooded, and I could see him running everything that could go wrong through his mind.

But in the end, he slumped in defeat. “Okay. I’ll meet you there.”

“Great.” I rewarded him with a smile. “See you then.” I heaved my shoulder strap higher and walked out of the room faking confidence.

It was all a lie.

Because if I thought I had any power over Ashton, it was nothing compared to the power he had over me. Just standing next to him had rattled my knees. I was pretty sure if he asked me to step off a cliff for him, I would.

The moment I left that room I panicked. What had I done? I took a nosedive down the doom spiral of all my insecurities and fears. My mind feeding me doubt after doubt.

Ashton doesn’t really love me. Maybe he did before…but not now. Now he just feels sorry for me.

He only said yes to be nice. This is a pity date. I’m not worthy of him .

He’s so much better than me. I’m dirty and used, like chewed-up gum under a bleacher. And as soon as he realizes that, he’ll walk away and leave me alone, heart bleeding onto the ground.

I’m not good. Not like him.

Those were just the beginning, but they were nowhere near the end. They pulsed, pounded, and pumped through my head, gaining speed and intensity the closer I got to the date. I felt powerless to stop them.

By the time I pulled up to Anna and Blue's on Saturday, I wasn't just nervous—I was a human tuning fork, vibrating with enough anxiety to power the entire town of Blacksburg.