Hero for the Holidays (Four Corners Ranch #9)

Chapter Five

CHAPTER FIVE

T HEY DROVE SEPARATELY . He was all for presenting a united front with her, and he wasn’t going to take cheap shots at her in front of their kid. The truth was, they were going to have to figure out how to co-parent, and that meant dealing with each other. And it meant dealing with this long-held bitterness.

He had to admit that letting her tear into him, and him spitting back some of his own venom had felt good.

But now they had to actually go and see the kid. And they needed to hold it together.

And he would. For Lila. He had practice with that.

He gritted his teeth and pulled his truck up to the small house, and Fia did the same. They got out, and with a healthy distance between them, they walked into the house.

Only to discover that Lila wasn’t back yet.

He shot a text to Denver.

Are you guys almost done with dinner?

Soon. Leaving in ten.

Great.

Now Denver was going to see Fia’s car. Oh well. It was all going to come out; maybe it was going to be a little bit messy. There was nothing he could do about it. He had been deluding himself into thinking that it was all going to go according to some sort of plan. That it was all going to follow on easily. He had really hoped for that. But when had life ever been accommodating enough to do that?

Fia looked around the space. It was clean. Mostly. There were some dishes in the sink. And he wondered if she judged him for that.

But hell. She’d never had a kid before.

Not that he had tons of experience with it.

“This is...nice. You moved out of the main house.”

“Yes. Moved out of the main house to give Lila her own space. She’s eating dinner with the family right now. I expected that Denver was going to have her back.”

“It’s good that she gets along with everybody.”

“Yeah. It’s been good. Whatever you think about my family, about my dad, my siblings are good people.”

“I’ve never really gotten to know them.”

There were a lot of reasons for that. They’d kept their relationship so secret, she never messed with his family. He had never wanted Fia to get too close to his dad. That was the thing. Because his dad was a horrible bastard, and he had never wanted to expose her to him. Maybe he just hadn’t wanted his dad to know how much Landry cared about her. Because then he could use her to manipulate him. Then afterward it had been over.

This was just weird. Having her in his house. Acting like civilized adults.

Being close to each other by choice.

When not naked.

He didn’t need to think the word naked right now.

He cleared his throat. “They’re not half as messed up as they should be. All things considered.”

“I like to think that’s actually true about all of us. Look at the McClouds. They’ve even managed to work things out.”

“Yeah. Even Gus,” said Landry.

The room suddenly felt a bit small. It was the strangest thing, looking at Fia now. What she’d said to him had nearly knocked him on his ass. How did Lila feel? He could honestly say he didn’t think Lila felt robbed. She had loved her parents. Unreservedly. She had never felt like her life was less.

Being raised by a couple of teenagers...

He looked at Fia with this weird, tempered anger that he now had. He saw the girl she’d been. And for maybe the first time he looked at the woman she was now.

Really saw her. Not overlaid with his own hurt, his own issues. But just her. As she was.

He was struck by how pretty she was. Nothing had ever meant to him the way she had. It was a sad thing, growing up, growing older, realizing that time had sanded the edges off your feelings so much that you would just never be able to feel pleasure or joy or anticipation the way that you once had.

Because nothing had ever been as amazing as knowing that he was going to see Fia at the end of the day. Nothing had ever felt half so amazing as discovering sex with her.

There had never been another lover, another thrill, to match what he’d had with her.

He knew that was age. Age and wisdom, and the magnitude of suffering they’d experienced in the time since they’d been together.

But looking at her now reminded him of it. And it mingled with the present, and created some sort of potent alchemy that left him shaken.

And just then, he heard the slam of the truck door.

“That would be Denver.”

He felt his phone vibrate. He took it out of his pocket. Sending the kid in. I assume we’ll talk later.

And he didn’t know how to pull that apart. Didn’t know quite how to decode it. If it meant that Denver suspected that Fia was there for a reason, or maybe he didn’t even realize it was her.

But either way, he didn’t come in, and then Lila was scampering through the front door.

She stopped in front of them. Looking between them. “Hi,” she said.

“Hi,” said Fia.

He looked at her and saw that her eyes were filling with tears. And he realized he was going to have to say something, so that Lila wasn’t kept in suspense, and Fia wasn’t kept on this knife’s edge. He wondered when the hell he developed any sympathy for Fia.

“Lila, this wasn’t exactly how I wanted to do this. I wanted to give you a heads-up that...that your biological mother lived on the property, but when we talked about the past it hurt you and I didn’t want to make you confront things you weren’t ready for. But things went out of order today. And so... This is Fia. She’s the woman who gave birth to you.”

Lila’s face went white, and it was like his whole view shifted.

It wasn’t Fia in the spotlight, highlighted as a villain, not now.

It was him.

He hadn’t known how to do this, and he’d put both Lila and Fia in a terrible position. He’d fucked up. Because he hadn’t been able to see this from any perspective but his own, and Fia’s words hit him hard now.

He was thirty.

If he didn’t stop seeing this like a seventeen-year-old, he wouldn’t be able to do it right.

But that was so tangled up in his own issues. His need to believe he could have done it all right back then made it hard for him to have any new perspective on it now.

Or maybe he resisted it because he didn’t want to change. Since change would be a lot like admitting he was wrong.

“Lila,” said Fia, and a tear slid down her cheek. “I didn’t know that you were here. Until today.”

Lila looked at Landry. “She didn’t know I was here?”

“It’s complicated,” said Landry.

He’d messed up. Big time. And he could see it, clearly. On Lila’s face. On Fia’s.

“How is it that complicated?” Lila asked.

“Landry and I don’t have a relationship,” said Fia. “Not... Not now. So, his information was at the adoption agency, but mine wasn’t. I wasn’t informed about what happened with you. He acted independently.”

“I realized I needed to talk to you about it sooner rather than later, but then Fia came by today...”

“Which actually was not entirely unusual.”

He rounded on her. “It was wholly unusual. You never come over here.”

“Whatever,” said Fia. “It’s just... This is how it happened. And we decided... I... Lila,” Fia said, “I want to be in your life too. And I can understand that Landry was trying to introduce new things to you slowly. Even if I do wish that he had told me in the beginning.”

Lila looked between them. “I... I don’t know what to say.”

“I’m sorry,” Landry said.

“It’s not like I didn’t know I had a bio mom out there. I’ve always known I was adopted. My parents were really honest with me about that. But I never dreamed about meeting you.”

It was that same matter-of-fact, cutting honesty that had gotten him right at first. But it didn’t seem like it cut Fia.

“I am so grateful to Jack and Melissa. For the way they parented you. I am so grateful that you didn’t want to find me. Because all I wanted for you was to give you the best life. All I wanted for you was for you to have the best parents. I didn’t want you to feel like you were missing anything. I didn’t want you to feel like you were missing me.”

That right there was one of the most unselfish things he’d ever heard anyone say, and it just about knocked him over. He really preferred his self-righteous anger.

She was right. It was simple. It allowed him to feel justified. It allowed him to channel all of this pain into something pure and easily digestible. Easy to understand.

When all of these things seemed more nuanced now. When he was faced with the fact that what was on Fia’s face right now was not indifference. Not even close.

It was love. The kind of love that had made a hard decision.

His own ego had been bruised when his daughter had told him she hadn’t felt the lack of him in her life.

The evidence of Fia’s honesty was in this moment. That what she wanted really was for Lila. And not for herself.

That she was relieved, happy , to know that her child had never wanted in any way.

That she wasn’t challenged or harmed or bruised by the assertion.

“I knew your mom and dad,” she said slowly. “They were such good people. And they wanted you so much. And that was exactly what I wanted for you. Parents who were ready. We wanted you. But we weren’t ready.”

Part of him wanted to fight against that. To say that he’d been ready. But he was caught up short by what she’d said. About how much she had wanted Lila. And that much was true. They hadn’t planned on having Lila, but she was wanted. Loved. They had disagreed about what was best, and it had been a stark disagreement. One that had created a rift that had carried them both forward until this moment.

And he wondered if he could find a way to hold two truths in his hands at the same time.

To still feel justified in thinking he could’ve taken care of his daughter. And to recognize that even though it hadn’t been what he wanted, Fia’s decision had given Lila a good life.

He needed to figure something out. Because if he couldn’t... What Fia said echoed in his mind. About him being no more mature now than he’d been then. About her feeling like she still didn’t want to raise a kid with him.

And maybe she was right to say that it was easy to retrofit his memories. To hold on to that feeling of being justified and wounded.

Maybe you can be hurt without being justified.

He didn’t quite know what to do with that, so instead he focused on those two big things. The obvious love on Fia’s face now, and the pain that still existed in his chest. And he allowed himself to imagine holding one in his left hand and the other in his right. He held them both carefully, and with equal weight.

And that was maybe the best thing he had ever done for Lila.

“I didn’t know that you knew them,” Lila said.

Lila looked bemused, and Fia did look slightly hurt then.

But he could understand that. She might’ve thought that Jack and Melissa would share with Lila that they had known her birth mother. But maybe not. By the time Lila would be able to understand, that story would have faded from memory. It wouldn’t be the most important part of all of it. And maybe they needed to forget Fia a little bit in order to make their family feel a certain way. He didn’t know.

One thing he did know was that they’d been a family. Because Lila was a wonderful kid, with her own opinions, her own sense of style and a deep sense of security. All those things had come from Jack and Melissa Gates. And maybe that was another thing he needed to figure out how to hold in his hand. That though she was his daughter biologically, the fact that they’d raised her meant more than he’d been giving them credit for.

They had shaped her spirit.

In the same way that Fia had shaped that stubborn chin.

Just as indelibly.

“I stayed with them for two months,” Fia said. “After I chose them. I told them I was afraid at home and I didn’t have anywhere else to go. They took me in.” Lila looked at Fia with an expression that sat somewhere between shock and deep sadness. “They took care of me. While they waited for you. I knew what they were going to name you, and I got to see your room. They were so excited.”

It was like something had shifted inside of him. Because suddenly he could see what Fia had seen. This warm, beautiful welcome that Lila was going to be receiving. These people who opened their home and their arms to her, with the love they were going to extend to their baby.

But he hadn’t gotten to see it.

Because she couldn’t trust you. Because you wouldn’t listen.

“I knew that you were going to be in great hands,” Fia said. “I’m so glad that you were. I’m so sorry that you lost them.”

“Thank you,” said Lila softly.

“Landry and I are going to do our best. To be there for you. I know it might be hard to believe. But we both always thought of you. It’s okay if you didn’t think of us. You were never supposed to have a hole in your life. But we had one in ours. I don’t really know how to explain it, but it was one I was happy to have. Because sometimes when you love something really fiercely, the empty space it leaves behind when you can’t hold that person hurts, but you’re kind of glad it’s there too. Because it gives you a chance to think of them. I always thought of you as a baby. I never liked to think of the passage of time. Here you are. And you’re you . If...if I can be part of this, then I want to be.”

Lila looked at him.

“Fia and I want to co-parent,” he said. “We are not a... We’re not a thing .”

Fia shook her head. “No. We are not a thing. We’re also not sixteen and seventeen anymore. So we have our stuff together, and can get along just fine.”

He had a feeling that was for his benefit as much as Lila’s. A reminder to behave.

“I don’t really get it. Are you guys... Am I going to go between your houses or... Like shared custody?”

“We’ll figure it out. Something that works. How about if we start with me spending some time over here. And that way you’re not moving things around. You can come and visit me at my house at Sullivan’s Point. But you don’t have to move your things or officially leave for the weekend or anything. I’m really just a couple of minutes away.”

“And you didn’t tell her,” she said to Landry.

“I said it was complicated,” he said.

“That sounds like bullshit, Landry,” Lila said. “Just being honest.”

“It’s...it’s not . I didn’t want to hurt you, I didn’t want to hurt her.”

The look that Fia gave him was sharp. Because the truth was, there was part of him that hadn’t minded hurting Fia. At least a little bit.

Landry sighed. “I’m glad Fia got to tell her story. I’m glad I didn’t try. Because the bottom line is, I haven’t been... We have trouble communicating.”

“Oh do we?” Fia asked.

Lila looked between them.

“We’re not exactly friends ,” said Landry.

Fia lifted a brow. “Wow. Way to sell the arrangement, bud.”

“Fia...”

Fia turned to Lila and smiled. “Landry made a mistake. But Landry is human. And this is a situation I don’t think either of us ever thought we would find ourselves in. But neither of us is unhappy to be in the situation. We’re just sad that you had to go through what you did to get here.”

“I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about anything,” said Lila. “Because this wouldn’t have happened if...”

“You don’t have to know how you feel about it,” said Landry. “You’re thirteen. You’re not supposed to know what you think about anything yet. You’re supposed to have a lot of strong opinions and then change them. Get irrationally mad at things and then feel bad about it. And then figure out how to handle it differently next time. Fia and I are the ones who figure out how to be mature. You don’t.”

And for once, Fia looked marginally happy with him.

So there. He supposed he’d said the right thing.

“Would you be all right... Tomorrow, it would be great if you could come over to my farmhouse at Sullivan’s Point. I can show you the ranch, and the operation. The farm store.”

“You have a store?” Lila looked interested in that.

“Yes. That’s one of the primary things I do. I bake, I garden and I run a store that sells all the products that we make on the different ranches.”

“That’s cool,” she said.

“It is. And now that Landry doesn’t have to keep hiding you...”

“I wasn’t hiding her,” said Landry. “I was taking things slow.”

“Sure. I...”

He could see Fia struggling with the same thing he did. The desire to hug when it might not be welcome. The desire to say love , when you didn’t want to put too much on the kid.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“You too, Landry.”

And then Fia walked out, leaving him there with Lila, who fixed him with those green eyes. And it might’ve been Fia pinning him to the spot.

“Were you just not going to tell her about me? Were you not going to tell me about her?”

He’d considered that when he’d first found out about Lila. When he hadn’t been thinking. When he’d been all feelings. But he’d known once the rush of it all had passed, he couldn’t do that.

“No. I just didn’t know how to do it. Or... I wanted you to feel a little bit more settled. The whole thing was different for her than it was for me. Okay? We had a disagreement. About the whole thing. And we had hard feelings about it.”

“Why?” Lila pressed.

“I... I didn’t want to give you up. She thought it would be better if we did. And...” To his great shock he wanted to defend Fia. Because it would hurt both Fia and Lila to cast Fia’s decision in a negative light. But it forced him to take it and turn it over. To look at it for what it was. It forced him to stop oversimplifying this thing that he let drive him, keep him angry, sustain him all this time.

He let out a breath. “It was out of love. Both of us. You have to understand that. But we were kids. And so it was dramatic and messy and immature. So the more persistent I was the less she wanted to deal with me. And I was listening. She told me very clearly that she just couldn’t imagine us trying to raise a baby. I thought...fine then you don’t have to. I will. But she didn’t want that for you either. She wanted you to have a mom and a dad and a real house. She wanted you to get away from here. Today she reminded me that the ranch wasn’t always what it is now. My dad... Listen, I have a pretty crappy dad. Okay? He made living here miserable. Fia’s family was kind of a mess at the time, there wasn’t a lot of money. Not a lot of resources. We were kids trapped in the middle of it. I thought that if I wanted you badly enough that I could just make it fine. That I could make it work. Fia didn’t believe that. Or rather, she didn’t think...” He looked at the wall, a bleak kind of understanding expanding inside of him. “She didn’t think you should have to be an experiment. To see if we sank or swam. Because it could’ve gone either way.”

Lila’s stare cut right through him. “So you’ve been mad at her all this time?”

“Yes. But with this also... I felt like she didn’t give me a choice. So I didn’t give her one. And I’m sorry. Because that was a game that I put you in the middle of. I guess that kind of proves Fia’s point. In some ways I’m still not ready to be a dad.”

“You’ve been doing okay,” said Lila.

“You’re handling this well,” Landry said.

“What did you think I was going to do? Freak out? I mean, it’s surprising, but at the same time I always knew that I was adopted. I knew that you guys were out there. You were just theoretical. Because I didn’t need you.”

He tried to remember what Lila had said about that. He tried to remember the way she had accepted it, the way that it hadn’t offended her. It still made his chest burn a bit.

“I think maybe if I hadn’t known that I was adopted I would feel shocked and overemotional to meet my birth mother. But mostly, this is all just kind of surreal. But I...” He knew. She didn’t need to say it.

The shock had been finding out that both of her parents were dead. The shock had been going from the stable life she had to cycling through foster care. And on some level, some of this must still feel to her like she was just rotating through foster homes. What was Fia but yet one more woman offering to take care of her for a time? It was going to take time for her to really feel like this was permanent. It was going to take time for all of this to really sink in.

Maybe they would be able to become some kind of family. Maybe they wouldn’t. It was really hard to know. What he knew was that he was committed. And after tonight he knew Fia was too. So they just had to figure this out. And not kill each other in the process. For Lila’s sake.