Heston (In the Company of Snipers #25)

Chapter Thirty-Four

“I don’t know,” London breathed. Kelsey wanted to know why she hadn’t confided in Heston since her abduction or told him how she felt. London had no good reason. Only knew it would take time for her to put the mess with Obermeyer, Keane, Malloy, Bates, and Lancaster and Miles Wirth behind her. She’d have to work through that. She just didn’t know how. She’d faced miserable pain at those men’s hands. For the love of God, recovery was going to take time.

“I hate to ask but… were you raped, sweetheart?” Kelsey asked gently. “I was. I’ve been in your shoes. I know what you’re feeling.”

She was a tiny but beautifully elegant woman. There was a section of shaved scalp above one ear, but London only noticed because she knew where to look. Kelsey was still a little banged up from her near-death experience. The fingers on her right hand were bandaged together, making it look like she was wearing a white mitten. She must’ve hit that cattle guard with her right side since that was where most of her injuries were. Her right wrist was wrapped and her right arm was in a sling. She was still fighting pneumonia, maybe more, which explained her raspy, smoker’s voice.

The woman’s pretty brown eyes were the problem. Kelsey seemed to see through London. No one had done that before. It was unnerving but, in a weird way, it was also—kinda good. London shook her head at that inane, random thought. She didn’t need anyone inside her head, not until she figured her head out herself.

So she told Kelsey, “No. He, he didn’t get that far, but the look on his face when he told his guys to come watch while he… while he…” London choked. Shivers raced up her spine as the evil gleam in Obermeyer’s eyes that day speared her all over again. She wanted to throw up. Fighting the instant chill in the room and the nausea in her gut, she scrubbed her palms up and down her biceps. If only it worked.

But nothing warmed her these days. Not Heston. Not all the layers of clothes she wore. Didn’t matter how many blankets she cowered under on the twin bed upstairs in Heston’s extra room, or how far she turned up the thermostat. She’d ruined everything with Heston the moment she’d decided to go for that damned morning run. How she wished she’d stayed in bed. She’d be plenty warm now.

London crossed her arms and leaned her butt against Heston’s washer, setting a firm boundary, not wanting to hear whatever Alex’s wife thought she had to say. Words were no help. Why bother saying anything at all? London was stuck in a hell of her own making, and she knew it. She used to be stronger. So much braver. She used to know precisely what she wanted from life. But now? All those silly dreams felt like one big lie.

There was a wall between her and Heston she didn’t know how to breach. A wall she’d built and reinforced daily. He hadn’t known before that hiding, running, and pushing people away were what she did best. Being lonely was a well-learned survival skill from her childhood. It worked within the four walls of her parents’ home. Avoiding her mother was probably the first thing London learned as a toddler. It worked then and it would work now.

She’d let Kelsey give her polite, little spiel. She’d be courteous and act like she was listening. What would it hurt? Once Kelsey realized how useless her buck-up-and-get-over-it solutions were, she’d get good and gone. London planned to tell her goodbye, run upstairs, lock herself in her bedroom, and lick her wounds then. Maybe she’d have a good cry. Maybe she wouldn’t. Who knew what she’d do when she was alone again. London didn’t.

She had no idea what to tell Alex’s wife anyway. They had nothing in common. Kelsey was one of those supremely confident types. She was a CEO’s wife and belonged in the spotlight with her OCD husband. She probably met with prime ministers’, celebrities’, and other important men’s wives all the time. Probably knew how to work a crowd. Probably—

“Come here, sweet girl.” Damned if Kelsey didn’t jump to her feet so fast that it startled London. She spread her arms wide open and continued with, “I know you love Heston, but he’s a man and you need a mother right now. Get over here and let me hug some loving back into you.”

Oh, my gosh! The nerve! Kelsey was exactly like her husband! Brash and bold and bossy and—!

Those damned high walls crumbled. Frightened and not feeling brave in the slightest, London took a tiny step toward Kelsey.

Kelsey matched her with another fragile step forward. There she was, walking with a broken hip when she should be sitting down and—

Oh, what the hell. London caved, and for the first time in her life, found herself wrapped inside a real mother’s arms. Kelsey wasn’t a large woman. Petite, maybe five foot tall. Maybe not. Thin, probably too thin and still pale and weak. But her arms felt so, so good, and she was here. She’d come straight from her hospital bed just to hug London. Just to be here with her, and for her, just for her, and… and…

The notion that a stranger wanted her when her mother hadn’t, was just too much. London squeezed her eyes tight. Hot, salty tears slipped between her eyelids anyway. In mere seconds, this kind woman’s thoughtfulness reduced her to tears, snot, and stupid, noisy hiccups she couldn’t stop. The harder she tried, the harder she cried, and the harder she cried, the more those hiccups hurt.

Kelsey didn’t seem to mind the mess London was making on her blouse. She pulled a handkerchief out of nowhere—a cloth handkerchief. Who even carries one of those anymore? Who even knows where to buy one? They got used and abused with disgusting human waste and had to be laundered and… and… Kelsey just kept holding on, smoothing one warm hand over London’s shivering back, and murmuring while she wiped London’s eyes with the other. “You poor, poor thing, I’ve got you now. Everything’s going to be okay. There, there, let it all out. I promise, you’ll feel better. You’ll see.”

“No, I won’t,” London bawled. She wanted so hard to believe. But really? “How’s anything ever going to be okay? N-n-no, I’m…I’m not… I’ll never be okay a-a-again,” she stuttered like a silly teenager after her first breakup.

“Oh, yes, you will, because you’re smart and you’re stronger than you know. You’re a winner. Anyone with a brain in their head can see that,” Kelsey whispered against London’s teary cheek. “It takes a while, sweetheart, but eventually, time softens the sting of cruelty. It really does. The pain and grief never go completely away, but you learn to live around them. They become a big old rock in our hearts. We can’t make it go away, and we wouldn’t if we could, but we can learn to live around it. To be happy again. Alex told me a secret, back when all I wanted to do was curl up on my babies’ grave and die. Want to know what it was?”

London pulled away from Kelsey to really look at her. “You lost a baby?” Oh, my God! She couldn’t imagine the pain and sorrow. And here she was feeling sorry for herself, crying sloppy tears all over a woman who’d lost so much more than she had.

“Two,” Kelsey replied somberly.

Oh. Babies’ grave. Not baby’s grave. Two babies were in the same grave. Now London understood. Kelsey had lost two babies, not just one.

The light in Kelsey’s brown eyes dimmed. She was so pale and had no business being out of her hospital bed. Yet here she was. The sparkle faded, and London put an arm around her for a change, to comfort her so she’d know she wasn’t alone, either. “My two perfect little boys were murdered by their father,” Kelsey whispered. “He was abused as a child. His mother was a foul, disgusting old toad who poisoned his mind until he… until he did what he did.”

“I’m so, so sorry,” London anguished.

Kelsey nodded. “Thanks, London. I was pretty dumb back then. I didn’t recognize the man Nick really was. Or should I say, wasn’t? When Alex found me at the cemetery that day, I’d given up. I was done. Life wasn’t worth living. I didn’t have a speck of the will to live left. With all my heart, I wanted to die. I just wanted to be with my boys again.” Her hand lifted to her chest. Her fingers splayed over her heart as if she were reliving the worst time in her life.

Which London knew she was. How sad!

“But that big, gruff bear of a man sitting out there with Heston,” Kelsey continued, “just picked me up and brought me to Virginia to live with him, as if he did crazy stuff like that every day. Which he does, doesn’t he?” She wiped a slender finger under her leakiest eye.

“Heston gets pretty crazy sometimes, too. So… so what’s the secret?”

Kelsey eased out of London’s embrace and leaned her left hip into the dryer, mirroring the stance London resumed. “That it’s not the load that breaks you down, sweet girl. It’s how you learn to carry it. The one sure thing about life is that it will be one long string of endurance tests. Abuse. Murder. Divorce. Even rape. Pain, disappointment, and death will come to everyone, eventually to us again. But it’s how we deal with those tragedies when they return that will make or break us.”

Wow. That actually sounded—wise. And it came from Alex? The man who’d been half-insane with rage and pain the night he’d found Kelsey in that burning trailer? The man who’d snarled at everyone who’d tried to help him?

“W-what were their names? Your boys. I mean, if you don’t mind telling me.” London strived to change the subject, to get Kelsey’s focus off her.

“Jackie and Tommy. And no, I don’t mind talking about any of my children. Those little boys are very much a part of our life, as much as Abby, the sweet daughter Alex lost, and the two little rascals who decorate our lives today.”

“How on Earth did you deal? What’d you do? My God, how’d you ever get through that?”

“First…” Kelsey took a deep breath, then pursed her lips and let it hiss out. “I just… I let Alex in. I was a battered spouse back then, and I was pretty much worthless as an intelligent human being. Despite my college education and my teaching certificate, I had no opinion on anything. I was afraid to think for myself. I thought I was weak. I’d been told I was useless so many times, I believed it. That’s how my ex controlled me. By verbal abuse first, then physical. I was so messed up when I met Alex that I firmly believed it was my fault my deranged ex-husband killed my boys—”

“I never should’ve asked!” Guilt for causing more pain for this brave woman stole London’s breath. She was an idiot to think she’d suffered more. Being beaten and ‘almost’ raped was nothing compared to what Kelsey had lived through.

“I’m not sorry, London. I’m very glad you asked because I can honestly tell you I’m a stronger woman today because of what happened back then. What’s past, is past. Bad things happen. Look at Alex. He lost his first wife and daughter to an automobile accident while he was deployed overseas. He was so hateful and angry when we met. But he was suffering as much as I was. Somehow, we realized we needed each other in order to heal. I reached out to him, and he” —she shrugged both shoulders— “he did what Alex does best. He stepped up and took it from there. And we fell in love.”

“I… I don’t know how to… reach out to Heston…”

“Oh, yes, you do. It’s hard, sure, but that man sitting out there with Alex is dying inside. Heston’s here for you, baby girl, he just doesn’t know how to reach out to you. He’s trying so hard to respect your boundaries, but he’s just a man, not a mind-reader.”

London snorted. “Him, help me? I can’t even help myself.”

“Honey, trust me. The men women like us fall in love with are overbearing, confident to the point of being arrogant, know-it-alls. They live hard and will probably die younger than we’d like. But while they live, they’ll give their all for what they believe. As much as that confident strength annoys us sometimes, it’s precisely what we need and want in our men. Because we’re also who we are. We are strong, and they know that. We are brave, and they know that, too. And we’ve fought just as many ugly battles as they have. Look at you, girl. You’re a survivor. I’m so proud of you.”

London could’ve basked in Kelsey’s praise all day.

“Ask yourself this: Could you be happy with a man who isn’t brave enough to stand up to you? To stand for you? Like Heston did and still does?”

That very real fact slapped London upside her head. She had survived a brutal beating by multiple assholes, hadn’t she? She had been humiliated, made to strip and run for her life. And yes, the whole day had been utterly demeaning. But she was still alive. She had fought against being gang-raped with every fiber of her being. She hadn’t been raped, and best of all, Heston had come for her, and his righteous rage had been glorious to behold. He’d gone nuclear on the asshat who’d hurt her, who’d thought he could rape her while his asswipe buddies watched. Who’d thought she’d go easy. Well, she’d showed him, hadn’t she? She’d hung on until Heston showed and because Heston loved her more than he cared about himself, Obermeyer was the dead one. Not. Me!

“I never wanted to be like my mom,” she admitted for the first time ever. “And my dad…” London shook her very hard head. “My dad’s afraid of my mom. He’s never stood up to her. Never will.”

“I take it he never stood up for you, either.”

“Well, yeah. I mean, no. He never minded bad-mouthing Heston, but not Mom, when she’d go off on one of her bitch sessions. She wasn’t physically violent as much as she was loud, and she’d say the most hateful things. She called me names and she knew how to destroy any confidence I talked myself into. Dad would just sit there and watch and kinda shrink, like he didn’t want her to see him and lash out at him next. And she would’ve, if he’d… if he’d… just once…” Oh, what the hell? Why bother?

“If he’d ever come to your rescue. If he had ever defended you, just once, like a real man will always defend his child,” Kelsey said pointedly.

“Well, yeah. That…” London replied in a tiny voice. She wiped a quick hand over her still bruised, aching ribs. Man, it was hard talking about home sweet home. Ha! What a joke. The home she’d grown up in had never been sweet.

“London, I am so sorry your mom didn’t know how great a gift you are. She missed out. That’s her loss. And your father’s a pitiful excuse of a man. No real man tolerates any child being verbally or physically abused, especially not his. Ever,” Kelsey said with vehemence.

“Doesn’t matter. Honest, Kelsey. I figured out pretty early I didn’t want to be like her. And yet, I am, aren’t I? I’m still my mother’s daughter and... and…” London couldn’t say it, that she’d treated Heston the same way her mother had treated her. All her efforts and choices to prove she was better than him, that she could serve her country better than he could, had only brought her full circle, back to her thoughtless cruel mother. “I suck. I’m just like my mom. All this time I’ve been competing with Heston. I thought I always had to be better than him. I had to prove I was just as strong and capable and patriotic. But I’m not.”

Kelsey reached across the space between them and took hold of London’s wrist. “First of all, it doesn’t matter that your mother chose not to love you. That’s on her, not you. I see you, London. I see a beautiful woman who thought she had to fight the world alone, but you don’t. Not anymore. Because now, you’re part of my family. You’re part of Alex’s family. He doesn’t just hire, he adopts. He’ll deny it, because the family he calls The TEAM has grown larger than he ever anticipated. But that’s what it is. The TEAM and every single agent and their wives and husbands—and their children—are your family from now on. Just like Heston, they will always have your back. They’ll stand with you and for you, and, if needed, they will die for you.”

Wow. London swallowed hard. She had no idea what to say.

“And I hate to break it to you, honey, but you’re not a man, and you weren’t created to do what men do. You’re better than any man on Earth, simply because you’re a woman. You might need a man’s help getting there, but you’re the only one who has the power to conceive, carry, and give birth. And trust me, babies usually come pre-assembled but without any operating instructions, and the labor it takes to get them here hurts like a bitch. No man on Earth could survive what we women can. Neither can men ever hope to perform miracles like conception and childbirth without a shit ton of medical technology and, these days, publicity. Bearing a child is a unique and precious gift, London. Even if you never choose to use it, it’s still very much a part of who you are.”

London’s shoulders lifted with a deep, cleansing sigh. “But Heston saw me break down, Kelsey. After Ober… Ober…” Shit! She couldn’t bear the slimy feel of that bastard’s name on her tongue. “After he did what he-he d-d-did…” London hated with all of her heart that the creep still had a hold on her. He might not have raped her, but in a way, he did. The hateful intent she’d seen in his eyes was just as bad.

Again, Kelsey was there, squeezing London’s wrists, pulling her back from the ugliness lingering in her soul. “Breathe, London. That son of a bitch is dead. Heston killed him and he did it for you. And…”

London couldn’t help it. “You cussed! You said s-s-son of a bitch. You sounded just like your hus-husband.” She stuttered between the girly giggles she was trying hard to suppress. Then, oh, what the hell. Why not? She laughed. Out loud.

Kelsey laughed with her, and the sound was heavenly. It was joy, the simple joy of a mother and another woman’s daughter connecting honestly and lovingly. Just as quickly as it started, the laughter turned to tears. Kelsey seemed to understand London’s mood swings. She grabbed hold of her again, pulled her into her shoulder, and cried with her.

At last, London took a deeper, better breath and regained her composure. She stepped back from Kelsey. “If Heston heard us, he’s going to think we’re insane,” she said as she wiped her tears and blew her nose. Thank heavens for that handkerchief. She might throw it away instead of washing it, but it was a lot gentler on her sore nose than the toilet paper she’d been using. Because, duh, she’d been afraid to cry in front of Heston, so she’d hid in the bathroom when crap got the best of her. Not anymore.

“Feels good to get some of the poison out of your heart, doesn’t it?” Kelsey asked.

London nodded. “Yeah. It does. It really does.”

“But you know what feels even better?”

London couldn’t imagine.

Until mischief lit up like sparklers in Kelsey’s eyes and she whispered, “Make-up sex.”

London burst into another fit of giggles. “Never—ever—did I think you’d say that.”

Kelsey grinned. “Why not? Men aren’t the only ones with sex on their minds all day. I’ve been confined to a hospital bed or a wheelchair for days, London. Days! I’m tired of getting patted and kissed on my forehead. I want some action, girlfriend!”

Girlfriend. London loved the sound of that. She couldn’t help but fall in love with this feisty woman. Kelsey wasn’t as meek as London had thought. But she’d certainly worked a motherly, womanly kind of magic on London’s heart. She felt strong again and ready to take on the world. Her spine stiffened. Breathing came easier. So did letting go. It no longer mattered what her mother and dad had ever said. They weren’t a part of her life, never truly had been. And Obermeyer and his buddies? They were no better than dog shit, and who gave dog shit a second thought? Not me!

Kelsey had convinced London that she could and would make a difference. Maybe she already had. She did matter, and from now on, she wouldn’t hold anything back from Heston. What he said mattered most. With a deep breath, London let the fabric-softener scent of the laundry room fill her lungs and her spirit. The real London Wilde was back, baby.

She turned to Kelsey. “Do you know what I’m going to do?”

Kelsey’s eyes widened. “No, what?”

“I’m going to the nearest drugstore and I’m buying a couple boxes of turquoise hair color and tons of extra-large condoms!”

They both burst into fits of laughter… and joy. Silly, magical joy.