His Secret

44. Adrian

CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR

ADRIAN

“This is exciting. We haven’t had a date night in so long,” Charlotte says from in front of the mirror where she puts on her earrings.

“Yeah, I know.”

She walks up to me, pulling on my tie. “You might get lucky tonight, mister.”

I force a smile on my face while my stomach churns.

It’s not like it’ll be the first time I’ve had sex with her. I can do it. She’s never gotten my best. If she had girlfriends, I’d definitely be talked about. She’d mention my lack of enthusiasm, probably. How I don’t initiate it ever. Perhaps, and most embarrassingly, the times when I couldn’t keep it up or finish.

But it’s not like it’s her. It’s hard to do those things with someone you’re not attracted to. And not just I don’t think you’re cute enough , because she’s pretty, but I’m not attracted to the female body. It doesn’t do anything for me, and the act is in fact, uncomfortable.

“Not to put a wet blanket over tonight,” she starts, walking toward the closet .

“Charlotte, please,” I groan, already knowing where this is going.

“Your dad wants to talk to you. Just call him and get it over with.”

“Not tonight.”

“That’s fine. Also, my parents are planning on visiting in a week or two, depending on Dad’s schedule.”

I inhale deeply through my nose, running my hand over my forehead while trying to keep from having an outburst.

“We should leave soon. Reservations are in thirty, and it’s at least twenty minutes away.”

Charlotte slips her feet into some heels as she sits on the edge of the bed, then grabs her purse from the dresser and gives me a smile.

“I’m ready.”

Since our garage is still full of boxes and furniture that we need to get rid of, the car is parked in the driveway. As we’re getting to the doors, Matías walks out wearing some running shoes, shorts, and a tank top.

We make eye contact before he gives us a tight smile and wave.

Charlotte waves back, but I don’t. He puts in his earbuds and then takes off down the block.

I spend most of our date thinking about him. I think about what he did to me earlier today in his office. I think about how I shouldn’t be thinking about that while I’m on a date with my wife. I wonder if he’s mad. I wonder if he’ll try to go on a date just to get even. I think about way too many things at once, and realize I’ve been a terrible date.

“You look amazing, by the way,” I tell Charlotte.

Her face lights up a bit. “Thank you.” Silence stretches. “I’ve been feeling like things have been off between us,” she admits. “I think we need more date nights. The move has been stressful for us both.”

I don’t know how to tell her it’s not just the move. Did she not feel the distance before? Was I better at masking my feelings prior to coming here? I don’t want to promise to be better knowing I can’t keep that promise. I don’t want to agree to more dates, but I also can’t just say, ‘Well, I’m gay, that’s why things are off. Let’s get a divorce.’

I sigh. “Yeah, I’ve been really overwhelmed,” I tell her, since it’s not a lie.

“Talk to me,” she says, reaching for my hand. “We used to be such good friends.”

I give her a small smile. “I liked when we were friends.”

She blanches and I realize I may have made a mistake. “Well, I’d like to think we still are.”

“Of course,” I say. “But our relationship didn’t really start out in a normal way.”

“Well, no. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t real.”

I bite my tongue. “You’re not upset that we were forced into this?”

“Of course I was. You remember how angry I used to be, but it’s clear our parents had our best interests in mind. I’ve become so much better since being with you. I’m like a whole new person with a new outlook. You’ve helped me so much, Adrian. You still do. I don’t want to let you down, which is why I try so hard to stay sober.”

“Charlotte,” I start, not knowing how to word what I want to say. “I want you to stay sober for yourself. You shouldn’t do that for me, you know?” She nods, looking down at the tablecloth. “You’re so strong. You’ve come so far, and I know you can keep it up.”

She glances at me, a smile on her lips. “Thank you. ”

“And I don’t think our parents had our interests in mind at all. Maybe yours, definitely theirs, but not mine.”

She looks like she’s about to say something, but the waiter arrives, bringing us some dessert.

Our previous conversation is never brought up again, but it sticks in my brain, eating away at me.

I won’t be able to do this much longer. I know that. But how do I give her this news and make sure she doesn’t spiral? She’ll be hurt enough as is, but I don’t need her slipping into bad habits, and that pressure is heavy.

Before we leave the restaurant, she slides into my side of the booth and takes a couple of photos of us since she said it’s the first time she’s been dressed up in a while.

In the car ride home, she rests her hand on my leg, her fingers making circles and tracing lines. I feel tense but she doesn’t seem to notice.

As we pull into our driveway, I notice a couple lights on in Matías’s house, and wonder what he’s doing.

In the room, she kicks off her shoes and walks toward me, wrapping her arms around my waist and resting her head on my chest.

I know where this is going. It’s even an understandable next move for a married couple. Our first date night in a while should lead to sex, since it’s been a while since we’ve done that, too.

And while I used to be able to just grin and bear it, I now have Matías in the back of my mind. He’s right next door, knowing I was on a date tonight, possibly worried about me having sex right now.

It’s strange and wrong, but it feels like I’m cheating on him too.

“I’m gonna use the bathroom real quick,” I tell her, extracting myself from her grip and rushing off .

I close and lock the door and then turn on the faucet. I stare at myself wondering what the hell I’m supposed to do. My stomach is in knots. I try to come up with an excuse. Maybe I’m sick. Maybe I got food poisoning and it’s already working its way through my system. Maybe I have someone call me and pretend there’s an emergency, but what the hell would that be? My job doesn’t have late night emergencies that would require me to leave.

I even think to text my dad and tell him to call me, just because it would keep me from what’s sure to come as soon as I step out of the bathroom. But I really don’t want to talk to him, especially not in front of Charlotte when I know what the conversation will be about.

When I finally exit the bathroom, Charlotte’s already changed and wearing a pair of silk shorts and a matching tank top.

“I’ll be right out. Just want to freshen up,” she says as she passes me. Her grin tells me everything.

I strip out of my clothes and put on a T-shirt and pair of sweatpants before I climb under the covers.

My phone buzzes when I plug it in, but not from being charged. It’s a message from Matías.

Hey

I glance at the bathroom and still hear the faucet running. I type out a quick response.

Hey

Still want to watch?

It takes a second before I realize what he’s referring to. I told him earlier today that I wanted to watch him come. But my god this isn’t the right time.

Of course

I’ve been thinking about you all night.

I’ve been thinking about you too.

The water in the bathroom shuts off. There’s some movement, but she’ll be out here any second now.

I want to taste you again. I want to make you as desperate as you were at the club in Vegas.

My heart is in my throat, beating rapidly as my body heats up. Matías is turning me on through texts while I worry about my wife coming out of the bathroom to try to sleep with me.

I feel like I’m always desperate for you.

Good.

Three dots appear, letting me know he’s typing something else out. I anxiously await the message, and then the bathroom door opens.

I wonder if my face shows the amount of guilt and fear that I feel. Can she hear how fast my heart is beating?

“Good. You’re still up,” she says with a grin as she climbs into bed. “Who are you talking to?”

I make the phone go dark. “Nobody.”

The phone buzzes in my hand, and sweat prickles under my arms. For all she knows, that could be an email. I don’t look at it.

Her hand lands on my stomach under the covers, moving down toward my waist.

“You know, maybe you’re right. I should just talk to my dad and get it over with,” I say.

Her hand doesn’t stop moving. She pushes my shirt up to touch my skin, her fingers dancing under the waistband of my sweats.

“Yeah, that’s good,” she says, scooting closer.

“He’s probably still awake,” I say.

She stops moving. “You want to call him right now?”

“I mean, I should, right? Like, that’s what you said.”

Charlotte pulls away completely. “You said earlier that it wouldn’t be today, but now you want to? ”

“I don’t ever want to talk to him, Charlotte, but you keep telling me I need to, so?—”

“Not at ten o’clock when we’re in bed and I’m clearly trying to have an intimate moment with you. Are you that oblivious or just completely disinterested? Do you even know how long it’s been since we’ve had sex? Because I can tell you.”

“Are you really keeping track?” I say, my guilt turning into defensiveness and anger. “That’s real great, Charlotte. I didn’t know that just because you want to have sex, I also have to want to have sex. Not everyone is in the mood all the time. I know I’m a man, but I can’t just deliver when you’re ready.”

“Oh, my god,” she exclaims. “That’s not what I meant at all.”

“Well, that’s how it sounds. I’m supposed to be here for you when you need me and want me, but my needs and wants don’t matter.”

Her mouth drops open. “What are you talking about?”

I get out of the bed, taking my phone off the nightstand.

“Just forget it.”

“Where are you going?”

“Downstairs.”

“Good. Thanks for the wonderful date night. It’s been a blast,” she says sarcastically.

I stop at the closet for an extra blanket. “Yep. Definitely.”

“You know, people cheat on their spouses when they’re not happy,” she says.

I freeze, turning to look at her. She stares back at me, unflinching.

It’s a threat. She’s trying to scare me into thinking that’s what she’d do, but all she’s done is uttered a statement that rings true to me .

I know people cheat for different reasons or for no reason. It’s never justified, but in this case, it feels like she’s exactly right.

I’m not happy. Haven’t been happy in a long time. And look at what I’m doing. I’m finding that happiness somewhere else. But it’s not because I’m bored, or another girl is giving me attention I don’t think I get at home. It’s not because I need my ego stroked and my wife doesn’t do it for me. It’s not because I have to go out and see if I still got it.

Matías is the one person I’ve ever felt true happiness around. Who I’ve been my true authentic self with. No fear. No stress. No discomfort.

I’m with him now because it feels like it’s the one thing keeping me from doing a deep dive into depression. He’s keeping me afloat in a situation where I’ve always felt like I’m drowning.

I don’t reply to her. I simply walk out of the room.