His Tiny Sun

Chapter 31 - Stupid Brains （Beach Saga, Part 3）

CHAPTER 31

Stupid Brains (Beach Saga, Part 3)

Alan took a deep, happiness-scented breath. It was strange, thinking that they would have an entire stretch of beach to themselves for the day. The only other people in sight were barely discernible in the distance. It was surreal.

One day, Alan would buy a property with a private beach, he decided as he took a sip of his delicious drink. It wouldn’t be anything like Flavien’s house, though. A small, cozy cottage was all he needed. He would invite everyone he loved to come and enjoy the beach with him, and give Eric and Marina a spare key so that they could come wrestle in the water whenever struck their fancy.

Flavien looked in their direction with a bright smile on his face, making Alan’s anxiety melt as he smiled back…

…only to realize that Nicco was right behind them, on his way to deliver the drink Flavien had ordered earlier. With Flavien’s sunglasses covering nearly half of his face, Alan hadn’t realized he wasn’t looking at him.

It was embarrassing, but Alan doubted anyone had noticed his mistake, at least. It wasn’t like Alan had thrown his arm in the air and waved at Flavien. That would have been the epitome of awkwardness.

Should I raise my glass for a toast? Alan wondered as they reached their chairs. It felt like the appropriate thing to do, but he was worried it might be considered distasteful behavior among rich people. Alan would die of embarrassment if Flavien wasn’t on board, so he put his glass in his chair’s cupholder instead and focused his attention back on Jonah to get a small reprieve from all these uncertainties.

Jonah dropped his bag between the two chairs, then took out the bottle of water Nicco had handed him earlier. Alan had left his own backpack behind, as it contained things he would rather keep away from prying eyes. Not that he thought anyone present would have the gall to rummage through his bag behind his back, but knowing himself, there was a high risk he’d accidentally spill its contents in front of everyone by the end of the day.

Jonah brought the bottle to his lips and tilted his head back, downing its contents like he hadn’t drunk in two days. Some water escaped his lips to trickle down his chin and neck, making Alan yearn to wipe it off with his tongue. Why did everything Jonah do have to be so hot?

It would be a long day.

Alan looked away from Jonah, needing to save himself from his persistent fantasies. Flavien had removed his dress and was stretching his arms over his head, catching Alan’s attention against his will.

Just like Jonah and Eric, Flavien had an outstanding physique that spelled years of dedication. His perfectly tanned skin glowed in the sun, a sea of freckles covering his shoulders and upper back like a starry night sky. Alan had always loved freckles, but he only had a pinch of them, right on top of his nose. They were like a bunch of tiny wimps, too afraid to leave their comfort zone to go explore the scary expanse of his cheeks.

Fitting.

“What do you want to do?” Jonah asked.

Alan snapped back to reality, finding Jonah now shirtless, with the addition of a simple beige hat and black sunglasses.

“Um…”

“Last one in the water does the dishes for a week!” Sean shouted, taking his clothes off at the speed of light. Isabel followed almost instantly, and soon, Eric and Marina weren’t the only ones wrestling in the water anymore.

Alan’s jaw nearly dropped when he saw how fit they were. It was now official: of all seven people here today—eight, if he included the barman—Alan was the only one who had the shape of an overcooked spaghetti noodle. He hated how he’d seemingly been hoping that at least one of them would compete with him in terms of muscle mass deficiency.

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” Jonah said.

Alan let out a nervous chuckle as he looked back at him. “I was just surprised. I didn’t expect Isabel and Sean to be so…”

“Fit? Can’t blame you, they eat so much crap. But they both play hockey multiple times a week, so they get away with it. For now.”

“They play hockey?” Alan echoed, hoping Jonah would fill the silence as he focused on keeping his anxiety under control.

“Yeah. Isabel’s the best scorer in the whole league; her aim is phenomenal. Sean’s talent is to tackle whoever comes too close to her. They make a good team.”

Alan nodded absentmindedly as his eyes followed Flavien’s movements on their own accord. He was walking languidly toward the water with his arms stretched behind his arched back, his sculpted muscles flexing with every step he took.

Alan failed to register what Jonah said next.

Accepting the invitation had been a bad idea. Alan should have known he’d be too self-conscious to enjoy himself. Public beaches could be suffocating at times, but he didn’t feel as though there was a giant spotlight on his unimpressive physique when he was lost in the crowd, at least.

Jonah wouldn’t even have accepted the invitation if not for him. He’d made it clear he would have preferred to stay at home.But now, because of Alan, Jonah was forced to spend a shitty weekend, and would have to go to work on Monday morning with his energy reserves already depleted.

Not only that, Flavien clearly didn’t want Alan to be here. It was obvious now that he was only making an effort to please Eric. Flavien had no interest whatsoever in getting to know him.Deep down, Alan already knew that. Every time he thought of Flavien, he felt an alarm go off in his chest. Yet, he’d agreed to come all the same.

All Alan had to do was tell Eric a simple ‘no’, but he failed, like he always did. Why did Alan have to be such a wimp? How could he even expect to become a respectable psychotherapist one day, if he let his own best friend walk all over him?

“You alright?” Jonah asked.

Alan blinked. “Yeah,” he said with a smile he knew wouldn’t fool Jonah.

Jonah walked closer and looked him in the eye with unmasked concern. “What is it?”

Alan wrinkled his nose. “It’s stupid.”

“Say it anyway.”

“I uh…” Alan stared at his feet and sighed. He would rather not have this discussion with Jonah, but he also couldn’t pretend that nothing was wrong. So he decided to keep it as simple as possible. “…don’t feel comfortable taking my shirt off.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m…” He gesticulated broadly at his pe rson.

Jonah wrapped his arm around Alan’s waist and pulled him close, which only made Alan retreat further within himself. “Because you’re cute? Gorgeous? Hot? Fuckable?”

Don’t , Alan ordered himself, in vain.

“That’s not true,” Alan mumbled.

“What—you think I’m lying?”

A dark cloud swallowed Alan, narrowing his vision and tightening his chest. He tried to fight it off, but it was too thick, too suffocating, too crushing.

Don’t , Alan ordered himself once more.

In vain.

“You noticed Eric first,” Alan said under his breath, hating himself as soon as the words were out.

“Okay”—Jonah let go of him and crossed his arms—“where the fuck did that come from?”

A jolt of panic seized Alan. “I’m sorry,” he exclaimed as he wrapped his arms around Jonah, who didn’t reciprocate his embrace. “I’m sorry I don’t know what’s come over me I’m so sorry!”

“I need space.”

Another jolt of panic hit Alan, this time accompanied by suffocating dread. He let go of Jonah and swiftly turned around, not trusting himself to stay composed if he looked at him. Jonah had every reason to be angry right now—to resent him, even—and Alan couldn’t bear to look into his expressive eyes, where he would find the sort of feelings Jonah usually reserved for everyone else.

Alan’s throat squeezed painfully as he made his way toward the water, struggling to keep the sounds of his despair contained. The day had barely started, and he’d already ruined everything.

Not once had Jonah said or done anything that would give Alan a reason to doubt his attraction to him. He was constantly making Alan feel wanted and special, whether it was with his words, his eyes, or his actions. Yet, Alan had chosen to believe the mean bullies in his head, rather than the man who was going out of his way to express his feelings, even though it terrified him.

Alan kicked off his flip-flops and stepped into the water. The others were already far enough in the distance for their animated discussions to be impossible to discern. It gave Alan a modicum of relief amid his distress; at least, none of them had witnessed what just happened. There was only so much shame Alan could endure before breaking down.

Alan watched them through his tears, his heart heavy in his chest as he found himself exposed, yet so alone. There wasn’t much worse than watching people casually enjoying themselves when it felt as though one’s entire world had just crumbled down. It was unbearable.

Maybe Alan could pretend he felt sick to his stomach, and go hide in the basement. Or even better: he could ask Eric to give him a ride back home, so he could curl into a ball and—

Alan yelped as strong arms seized him from behind and scooped him up. He tried to hold on to Jonah, but his fingers kept slipping, and before he knew what was happening, he was thrown into the water.

Alan broke the surface with a loud gasp. Two hands immediately cupped the sides of his head, holding him firmly in place.

“I don’t ever wanna hear that kind of bullshit again,” Jonah hissed through gritted teeth, his intense eyes shaking Alan to his core. “Sure. I was attracted to Eric before. But I also wanted to punch him in his stupid face every single time I heard his voice.”

Alan couldn’t help chuckling, but his amusement didn’t last long as Jonah continued, “What do you think this is exactly? Just a fling ?”

“No—”

“—I have feelings for you, alright? Feelings…like I haven’t had since… him .”

Alan’s heart shattered into tiny pieces. He’d been so stupid. So selfish. Not once had he stopped to think about how his words would make Jonah feel.

“Do you have any idea how much it hurts for you to say—to think—”

“—I know,” Alan cried out. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean it. It was stupid.”

Jonah pulled him against his chest and squeezed him tight.

Alan wrapped his arms around Jonah and held him just as tightly, his fingers digging into his back as though he could slip away any moment. “I’m sorry,” Alan murmured through his tears.

They held each other for a long moment, Jonah’s heavy breathing and Alan’s sniffles joining the laughter and squeals from their nearby friends. “ I promise to do better. Please don’t leave me ,” Alan wanted to beg, but he refused to make the same mistake again. The sole purpose of those words would be to make himself feel better while simultaneously feeding his internal bullies. It wasn’t what Jonah needed to hear right now.

“I have feelings for you too,” Alan murmured as Jonah’s embrace relaxed around him. “I just…I feel so stupidly insecure at times and…I—I panicked. I don’t know what’s come over me.” He sighed. “I don’t think Flavien wants me to be here, and it’s been messing with my head.”

Jonah kissed his temple, making Alan exhale a long, calming breath. “Don’t mind him. He’s just an envious asshole.”

Alan huffed a humorless laugh. “Envious of wh—” He shut his mouth before he could finish his question. The worst thing he could do right now would be to openly doubt Jonah’s words.

Jonah pulled away and looked into his eyes. “He’s envious because every single person here today lo—ikes you.”

Alan frowned deeply; was that really Flavien’s reason for treating him so strangely? “Why invite me, then?”

“Your guess is as good as mine, but I suspect he’s trying to get back with Eric.”

A surge of anger filled Alan’s chest, followed by a wave of sympathy. He couldn’t blame Flavien; if Alan were to lose Jonah, there was no saying what stupid things he might do to try to win him back. If anyone knew how difficult it was to negotiate with insecurities, loneliness, and anxiety—especially when they teamed up and operated on a united front—it was Alan.

“Do you still want to be here?” Jonah asked. “Because if you don’t, then I’d much rather go home.”

Alan took a deep breath. He needed to stay. For himself. He had to stay strong. He refused to cower in the face of bullying—real or imaginary.With so many people around him that made him feel safe, he trusted he could do this.“I’d like to stay.”

To prove his good faith, he grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it over his head—which turned out to be embarrassingly difficult, soaked as it was. He removed his shorts next, then bunched his garments into a wet ball of cloth, which he threw toward the beach…missing it by a long shot.

A smile tugged at the corner of Jonah’s lips as they watched Alan’s clothes float just a few feet from them.

“You can laugh,” Alan said, his own face breaking into a big smile as he tied his swim trunks’ laces tighter around his waist.

Jonah didn’t. Instead, he looked him up and down, his hungry eyes seemingly committing to memory every inch of his bare skin. Out of habit, Alan crossed one arm over his chest in embarrassment, which Jonah grabbed and pulled away from him.

“Who do you think I fantasize about when I’m alone at night? Hm?” Jonah asked firmly, the look in his eyes making Alan’s heart skip a beat.

Alan gasped as Jonah gripped his jaw, his fingers squeezing him hard enough to hurt.

“ You ,” Jonah growled. “It’s you I think about.”

Alan’s lips parted as his breathing quickened, Jonah’s demeanor awakening an unexpected inferno within his core.

“I think of your eyes,” Jonah continued with a low, almost menacing voice. “Your face. Your smile. Your lips against mine. On my neck. On my chest.” He narrowed his eyes and tilted his head slightly, inching his face closer. “Around my cock.”

Alan inhaled sharply, his tense fingers finding Jonah’s swim trunks and holding on to them like a lifesaver in a stormy sea.

“I think of your tongue. Your tight little ass. The look on your face when you’re about to come.” Jonah kissed him, then murmured against his lips, “And the sounds you make when you do.”

Alan nodded. He didn’t understand why he did, but he nodded. He couldn’t think clearly anymore. His brain was a mushy, horny mess.

“It’s you I think about. Always you, and nobody else . Got it?”

“Okay,” Alan exhaled as endless waves of warmth, affection, and lust collided in his chest.“Mm-hm.”

Jonah’s broad hand found Alan’s ass, which he squeezed possessively as he pulled him into a deep, heated kiss.

Alan kissed him back with equal ardor, instantly forgetting all about his reasons for having felt insecure in the first place. As their lips and tongues met in a feverish, almost frantic dance, Alan vowed to himself to never let his insecurities make him lose his head again.

How could he doubt Jonah’s attraction when he kissed him like this? When he held him like this? When he touched him like this?

“—coming?”

“I’ll kill him,” Jonah growled against Alan’s lips.

Alan was starting to wonder if perhaps Eric still wished to be punched in the face.

Jonah let go of Alan, then proceeded to go fetch his clothes that had floated away, leaving him to deal with his palpitating heart and throbbing erection on his own.

Alan submerged himself in the water to cool off, which yielded passable results. When he broke the surface, he saw Jonah hanging his wet clothes on one of the chairs, and in the other direction, their friends waving enthusiastically at them.

All of them but Flavien.

A pinch of anxiety jolted through his chest, but Alan ignored it. He gazed back at Jonah, who looked like the lead actor from a romantic movie as he walked back toward him,the sunlight shining against the beads of water rolling down his firm muscles.

Their gazes met, and Alan saw it clearly at last: Jonah only had eyes for him.

Alan held his head high and gave Jonah his most confident smile as he joined him in the water.After all, if Alan could attract a hot boyfriend like Jonah and make someone like Flavien envy him, surely he wasn’t so bad himself.

———

“Look!” Alan jogged toward Jonah, his newfound treasure carefully secured between his palms.

“Another seashell?” Jonah asked.

Alan smiled internally. Actually, he smiled for real. He couldn’t help enjoying himself when Jonah instantly stopped listening to whatever Flavien was talking about to give Alan his undivided attention instead. He would probably feel awful about it tomorrow, but Alan’s tipsy self was petty and absolutely didn’t care.

He sat across Jonah’s lap, his toes digging in the warm sand as he opened his hands to show Jonah the new seashell he’d found. “Do you like it?”

Jonah held out his hand for Alan to put it in, then studied it closely. “Yeah, it’s nice. Do you want me to put it with the others?”

Alan nodded, then gave him a big, wet kiss on the lips. “Mwah! I’m going back.”

“Have fun.”

Alan blew Eric and Marina a kiss, deliberately ignoring Flavien, who was seated right next to Jonah. Flavien hadn’t so much as acknowledged Alan’s presence since they first set foot on the beach, so why bother? Two could play that game.

Alan got up and ran back to the spot where he’d collected the perfect seashell, finding Isabel and Sean on their hands and knees, seemingly studying something in the sand. “What did you find?”

“A seashell with legs!” Sean exclaimed.

Alan chuckled as he imagined a seashell with long human legs, walking around in high heels. He’d have to ask Jonah to draw it later.

“It’s some sort of seafood,” Isabel specified.

Alan gasped. There was only one type of seafood that could be described as a seashell with legs. “It’s a hermit crab,” he said as he joined his two friends, getting on his hands and knees as well to admire the magnificent creature.

“Are they edible?”

Alan gasped again, this time in outrage at Isabel’s question. “No! At least…not when they’re this small.” He smiled as he watched the tiny little thing use its tiny little claws to search the wet sand for tiny little food. Its home looked a little snug; it was probably time for it to move out.

Maybe Alan shouldn’t have collected all those seashells.

“Careful!” Alan said as Sean tried to poke it.

“Are they venomous?” Sean asked, retracting his finger.

“No, but their claws are super strong.”

The hermit crab retreated into its shell, making Alan pout. He couldn’t blame it, though; he would also find a place to hide if gigantic faces appeared out of nowhere to stare at him.

“You scared it,” Isabel said, bonking Sean on the head.

“I didn’t even touch it!” Sean protested.

Alan put his hand up. He had to stop them now before their bickering got out of control. “Shh. No sudden movements.”

To his delight, the hermit crab slowly peeked out, its antennae exploring its surroundings in search of dangers. Alan’s heart overflowed with awe—how could something be so beautiful? Nature truly was the most magnificent thing in the world. “Jonah! Bring me my phone! Hurry! It’s an emergency!”

It didn’t take long for Jonah to appear right next to them—he truly was the best boyfriend in the world. “What happened? Someone get hurt?”

“We found a seashell with legs—”

“—inedible seafood—”

“—the tiniest, most beautiful hermit crab in the world.”

Jonah narrowed his eyes. “What’s the emergency?”

“I need to take a million pictures of it,” Alan said as he took his phone from Jonah, then flopped onto his side and aimed the camera at the tiny, wondrous creature. The hermit crab chose that moment to leave the safety of its shell, as though wanting to take part in Alan’s photoshoot. Alan’s eyes filled with tears.

“That’s it?” Jonah exclaimed. “ That’s the emergency?”

“B-but look at it,” Alan said, giving Jonah a big teary-eyed pout, while his index finger repeatedly tapped his phone. He couldn’t see the screen with how bright the sun was, but he was hopeful he’d finda decent photo in the lot later.

Jonah shook his head. “Okay. No more alcohol for you.”

“You’re not his mom!” Sean shouted, pointing his index finger at Jonah.

“Yeah, Jonah,” Isabel said, propping her fists on her hips. “You’re not his mom.”

Alan struggled not to laugh as he held Jonah’s twitching gaze, his pout deepening further while he gave Jonah his saddest eyes. “Have I been a bad boy, mommy?”

Jonah gasped. “You two are bad influences!” he shouted at Sean and Isabel, before turning on his heel.

“Jonah! Wait,” Alan shouted.

“ What ?”

Alan handed Jonah his phone with a big, grateful smile on his face.

Jonah snatched it. “I’m not doing any more of your errands after this.”

“Thank you, mommy. Love you.”

Oh, no. Oh, no oh no oh no.

Jonah and Alan shared a wide- eyed stare.

Oh no fix this.

Alan’s heart stopped beating.

Think. Think.

Why was his brain so slow?

Say something.

Jonah’s eyes narrowed. “ Someone deserves a spanking.”

“Ahh!” Isabel plugged her ears. “T. M. I.”

A cozy blanket of relief wrapped itself around Alan’s heart, but his brain was still stupid, he realized, as his mouth retorted, “Not if I spank you first.”

Jonah was right; it’d be best if Alan took a break from drinking.

Sean barked a laugh, then flopped onto his back, his body nearly convulsing from a loud fit of hilarity as he rolled in the sand. “I’d pay to see that.”

Jonah’s face twisted into a horrified grimace. “What?!”

“You getting spanked,” Sean hiccuped, wiping a tear from his eye. “That’s got to be hilarious.”

“This conversation is over!” Jonah shouted right before storming off—for real, this time.

Alan stared at his boyfriend’s phenomenal butt as he walked away, his drunk brain going into overdrive as he tried to imagine what it would feel like to slap it.

Alan would have to give it a try later.

For science.