Holiday Hire (The Cartwright Family #2)

Chapter 28

28

Phoebe

D isgust fills me. He threw insult after insult at me, and now he's back to worrying that others know about us.

I'm his secret. His mistress living in his house.

He says it's about the kids, but it's not. He wouldn't care if his siblings knew about us if it were only about protecting the boys.

"Phoebe, what did you tell my sisters?"

My insides shake harder. "I didn't tell them anything. Willow already knew."

"Don't lie to me. Out of all the people, I would hope you wouldn't lie to me," he accuses.

"I'm not lying! Willow knew."

He grunts. "So she just figured out we were sleeping together?"

I put my hand on my hip. "No, she saw lipstick all over your neck and face the night we were under the stairway. And don't act stupid. She told me you went into the bathroom and came out, and it was gone, so you wiped it away. Plus, my shirt wasn't tucked in. I looked a little disheveled after our tryst in there. Put two and two together, Alexander!" I hurl.

He shakes his head, clenching his jaw.

"You have no right to be mad at me about this. You're as much at fault as I am for Willow knowing."

He mutters, "I don't need my sisters knowing about us."

"Why? Because my time here is almost up?" I cry out.

His eyes narrow. "You know what the deal is, Phoebe."

I laugh. "The deal! I'm so sick of you talking about the deal. I am not a deal, Alexander. I'm not something you can go and negotiate."

"We discussed this. You know how I feel about my boys. I'm not looking to hurt them," he claims.

I sarcastically laugh. A few tears fall, and I swipe at them. I confess, "I'm so tired of hearing that excuse."

"It's not an excuse. I don't have the luxury of being reckless." He clenches his jaw.

I glare at him.

"Don't look at me like that," he orders.

"How am I supposed to look at you? You just stated you don't have the luxury of being reckless. And it really sucks since I'm in love with you, so thank you for clearing up what you think I am to you!"

His eyes widen.

Oh shit! What did I say?

I turn and stare out the window, grabbing the door to steady myself.

He quietly says, "I didn't say that's what you are to me. Please don't put words in my mouth."

Still embarrassed I blurted out I love him, and hurt he's avoiding it, I snarl, "I'm not putting any words in your mouth. That's what you just said."

"I'm a single parent. Their mother is dead. All they have is me. That's all I meant," he claims.

I cross my arms over my chest and fight my emotions. I point at him, declaring, "They don't just have you. They have a whole family who loves them. They're surrounded by more love than most people will ever know."

He sighs. "Phoebe, you know I'm their only parent. I can't be reckless."

My insides shake harder. I toss my hands in the air and shout, "Stop referring to me as something you're acting reckless over!"

Tense silence invades the room. Neither of us moves.

Hurt floods me to the point I feel like I can barely breathe. I lower my voice. "So that's what you see us as? Just a reckless adventure?"

He puts his hands over his face, scrubbing it, then looks back at me, dismissing my statement. "Phoebe, don't create things that aren't there."

"I'm using your words, Alexander. These are things you're saying right here, right now. So don't act like I'm a crazy woman making stuff up," I retort.

He shakes his head, staring at the table, tapping his fingers against the wood. More time passes, and he meets my glare again, repeating, "You knew what the deal was when we got together."

Pain digs deeper into my soul, and another tear runs down my cheek. I swipe at it.

He says, "I'm not trying to make you cry."

I don't answer.

He adds, "We have to remember the kids. We have parameters in place, and we created those when we made our deal."

I feel sick. I put my hand over my stomach, hating how the truth is so harsh and staring me right in the face. I swallow the lump in my throat and lift my chin. "Don't worry, Alexander. And you're right. I knew the deal. So, I guess I've overstepped. I'll start looking for my next employer. I would appreciate it if you give me a good reference."

"Phoebe, don't be crazy."

"Don't call me crazy."

He puts his hands in the air. "Okay, that's a bad word, but you don't have to quit."

My voice shakes. "I'm not quitting, but in a few weeks, my employment's over, so I need to make sure I have work. Are you going to give me a good reference or not?"

"Of course I would give you a good reference," he insists.

"Great. Thank you."

"Pheebs..."

I stare at him, waiting with hope in my heart, but he never says anything else.

He's never going to love me.

I'm his reckless adventure, and now it's over.

I finally force myself to say, "Thank you. I appreciate the reference. Let's return to the normal employer-employee mode. This deal is only hurting us."

"Pheebs..." he starts, but once again, no other words come out of his mouth. He just stares at me with a mix of anger and helplessness in his eyes, and I can't take it anymore.

I add, "It's the best thing, and you know it."

He continues to stay silent.

The entire time I'm staring at him, all I want him to do is tell me not to go, that he wants me forever.

He never does. He just sits there, saying nothing and staring at me.

I can't take it anymore. I wipe the tears off my face and silently exit the kitchen. I grab my coat and put it on, stepping out of the house and rushing through the cold to the main house.

When I get inside, I step into the bathroom, splash some water on my face, and make sure I look okay.

Ten minutes pass before I think it's safe to go do my job. I force a smile and find the kids in the family room. Tables fill the space, and they're all making Christmas crafts. Alexander's sisters, Georgia, and his mom are in the room too.

Willow and Paisley look at me, and I want to crumble inside. They keep glancing over with questions in their eyes, but I try to avoid them.

I work on making a wreath with Isabella. We finish, and Willow pulls me aside. She drags me out into the hallway, and lowers her voice, asking, "Babe, what's going on?"

"Nothing," I lie.

"You don't have to hide anymore, Phoebe. Just tell me what's happening," she pushes.

I lift my chin and straighten my shoulders, my voice shaking when I say, "Nothing is wrong. Alexander and I are finished. I'm going to finish my term here and then I'll move on to my next employer. Please keep everything we discussed between us."

Her eyes widen, and her head jerks back. "Don't be silly. You two are just fighting. Every couple fights."

"We aren't a couple."

"You are!"

I shake my head. "No, we're not. It's over," I repeat, my insides shaking harder and trying to convince myself everything will be okay.

"Phoebe—"

"I don't want to talk about this, Willow. Promise me you'll keep things between us. And please make Paisley stay quiet too," I sternly say.

She studies me.

"Please," I beg.

She nods. "Sure. You have my word."

"Thanks." I brush past her and return to the bathroom. I lock the door and lean against it.

Tears slide down my face and I cover my mouth, trying to stay quiet. I don't know how long I'm in here. All I want to do is run back to the house and beg Alexander to make things right between us—whatever that looks like—but I know it won't happen.

He's made it clear.

I'm just a deal to him.

I'm his reckless adventure.

I'm his current friend with benefits, and I should have known better.

And I saw it in his face when I accidentally admitted I love him. He doesn't love me, and he's never going to. I was fooling myself, thinking I was any more than Cheyenne was to him. I was just more convenient.

I keep my eyes closed, and the thought of him running back to her makes me feel sick.

Then I think about leaving the boys and all the Cartwrights. It tears me apart, and I don't know how long I keep crying.

I finally force myself to clean up, but my swollen eyes can't be hidden.

I exit the bathroom and run into Ruby. "Oh! I'm sorry!"

Concern fills her expression. She grabs my arm. "Dear, are you okay?"

"I may have eaten something bad. I just got sick. I'm going to go to bed for the rest of the day if that's okay?" I lie, although I've never felt more ill.

She puts her hand on my forehead. "You don't feel very hot. Do you have food poisoning?"

I nod. "I think so."

"You just got sick?"

I hate myself for lying to her. Ruby's another person who's been nothing but good to me. She's treated me like I'm one of her own kids, and it chokes me up.

I've missed having a mom, and as much as I try not to think about it, Ruby's been like one to me. It's been a long time since my own mother was mentally capable of being a mom, and I didn't realize how much I missed our relationship.

New tears roll down my cheeks. I swipe at them, but there are too many.

"Phoebe, tell me what's wrong," Ruby demands, putting her hand on my cheek.

"I'm just sick. I have to go," I say, brushing past her, unable to take it anymore.

I grab my coat when I reach the front door. I step outside, barreling across the yard, the chilly wind beating against my face.

Alexander steps onto the porch the minute I get to the door.

I freeze, unable to stop the tears.

"Phoebe, what's wrong?" he asks in alarm.

What's wrong? How can he even ask me that question?

Because I've meant nothing to him.

I was just a deal.

"I don't feel well. I'm going to bed for the rest of the night," I say, and push past him. I rush into my bedroom and lock the door.

He knocks. "Phoebe?"

"I don't feel good. Can you please just leave me alone?"

"Phoebe, let me in," he says, turning the doorknob, but it's securely locked.

"I just need to sleep," I call out, not wanting to discuss anything.

There's no point.

I'm in love with Alexander Cartwright, but he's not in love with me. I'm just fun and games for him, a reckless relationship that will end up doing nothing but hurting his kids. And I curse myself for ever thinking we could be anything more.

Maybe it's not in his genes to love anyone except his dead wife.

Perhaps I'm just not good enough, and he's looking for a woman who can offer more. What that is, I'm unsure.

Whatever the reasons, Alexander will never truly be mine. I can't continue doing the things we're doing, knowing this is going nowhere.

He says through the door, "Okay. I'll check on you later tonight and make sure you're okay."

I warn, "Don't. I'm going to sleep. Let me be." I put on my headphones to drown out any further attempts from him to talk to me.

I put on sad music, silently crying into my pillow, wishing things could go back to earlier today when we were painting my room. I glance at the beautiful yellow color that gave me so much joy, and now represents my numbered days in this house.

I barely sleep throughout the night. I finally can't handle any more music and have to take off my headphones.

When the rooster crows, I hear Alexander get up. He knocks on the door softly, but I don't answer.

I wait until I hear the front door shut and then I glance out the window.

He walks across the yard to the corral. Mason and Jagger are already guiding two horses inside it.

I get out of bed and go into the bathroom. I take a shower, try to get rid of my puffy eyes, and get dressed. I do my hair and makeup, forcing myself to look as nice as possible for the boys' sake.

Over and over, I tell myself that no matter what, I need to stay away from Alexander. The communication I do have to have with him needs to be strictly professional.

All day, I dive into doing all the holiday things with the Cartwrights, faking a cheerful attitude the whole time. I avoid any moments where I might be alone with Willow, not wanting to answer any of her questions. Anytime she looks at me, it's all over her face. Ruby is just as concerned, but I assure her I was only sick with food poisoning, and today, I'm fine.

Every moment I spend with the boys makes my heart ache. I didn't think I could love two kids so much, but I do. I love them like they're my own. Soon, I'm going to be leaving them. It's just as painful as Alexander not loving me.

The excruciating agony digs into my soul, mixing with the ache I can't shake off. At the end of the day, I go back to my room, avoiding Alexander again, and I pull out my laptop.

I search for employment but don't know where to look. I debate about whether to stay in Texas or find something in another state, but I decide it's best if I can get as far away from Alexander as possible.

A position for an art teacher pops up. I click on it, and my heart races. It's in Alaska—a place I've never been. The frozen state seems like a good place for me to disappear. So, I apply for several nanny positions and a few teaching jobs.

Before I know it, people are responding to me, even though it's the week of Christmas. There's a shortage of teachers, and they're desperate to fill positions for the start of the new year.

I don't really want to return to the classroom. In a perfect world, I'd stay here or find another family to nanny for, but I need to be smart. I'm not independently wealthy, and I have no one to depend on but myself. I can't afford to be choosy right now.

One of the charter schools is offering not only employment but a subsidy for an apartment and food. It's a good deal on paper. I apply for it.

I pace my room for five minutes, then my computer dings. I check my laptop, and my stomach quivers. There's a response from one of the school principals.

D ear Miss Love,

Are you free to have a video chat? I'd love to discuss all our school can offer someone with your qualifications. Plus, Alaska has so much to offer its residents.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Corrine Dillard

M y heart pounds hard against my chest. My fingers shake as I reply.

D ear Mrs. Dillard,

Yes, I can make a video chat happen. And I'd love to come to Alaska. When is a good time for us to speak?

Thank you for your consideration,

Phoebe Love