Hung By the Fire (Evergreen Lake: Under the Mistletoe)

Chapter 18

eighteen

BETHANY

“I don’t know if I’d classify this as fun.”

Throwing my head back, I laughed and watched as Joy promptly joined in with her own giggles. I pulled my phone from my jeans back pocket and snapped Cole’s picture.

A picture of him. With a kitten. Curled up on his shoulder, fast asleep and absolutely blissful.

I know that feeling kitty, know it well.

It’s how I often fell asleep on the nights we stayed together, after he wore me out. Not that I was complaining. Cuddled up next to him was quickly becoming my favorite place in the world.

Somehow, I convinced the man to venture out to the pet rescue event because I thought Joy would like to see the animals and she was having the time of her short life. Between the fur under her hand as we helped her pet them and the noises they were making to each other, she was in animal heaven.

However, in fairness, I also wanted to see them. We had a cat when I was growing up, but we lost it not long before my dad died and we were all mired in too much grief and healing to try to think about bringing an animal home with us. Then, as time moved along, we never adopted another. Not long ago I started to think maybe a furry friend would be a welcome addition to my life.

Now, with this image embedded in my mind, I didn’t know if I could take one home to my lonely apartment. Not after seeing Joy’s reaction and the kitten falling in love with Cole.

Relating a little too much to the purr-monster, huh?

“Did you have to do that?” Cole mumbled in my direction.

Thankful for the disruption of thoughts I didn’t want to deal with right now, I simply smiled. “What? He seems pretty content, and I saw you petting him.” Cole may try to talk the big “I’m not getting a pet” game, but it didn’t stop him from reaching up and stroking the kitten’s fur every minute or so.

“I can’t get a pet.”

“Why not?”

Joy clapped her hands as if wanting to know the answer too. Or it could have been in response to the puppies barking where they played with a couple of older kids nearby. She was taking it all in and loved every second.

“Well, if you haven’t noticed, I have a bit of a crazy schedule. Don’t wave that off, it is. Also, I can barely take care of the baby I have. How could I possibly handle a pet?”

If there was one thing that drove me crazy about the man, and not in a good way, it was his utter disrespect for himself regarding Joy. He refused to see how good he was with her, how much she adored him, but it was easy enough for anyone with eyes to see. She tracked his every movement. In the morning, when we waited for him to come home, the minute she heard the door, her smile could brighten any room. I thought back to earlier, when he snapped at me in the kitchen. If any man had done that to me before I would have walked out and never looked back.

Cole was different.

I thought about all the time I would watch Cole with Joy and wonder what he was thinking. It was my thing, and in this regard, I didn’t think I was far off in my estimation. He wasn’t mad at me. He was still mad at the circumstances life had thrown at him. If I knew one thing, it was that grief could make anyone act different, could make them doubt themselves. When it came to Joy, he was a giant mass of doubt and confusion, but whether he liked it or not, he was her father now.

It was pretty clear to see that while he may adore her, he was struggling with the father concept.

I was also just about done hearing him put himself down.

“You can take care of Joy fine. She’s thriving. Would you stop with the negativity?” I held up my hand, before he could disagree. “And I can help.”

With another absent-minded scratch to the kitten’s ears, he responded, not knowing he was gutting me in the process. “Yeah, but you’re not going to be here forever. At some point I have to find another option for Joy.” He plucked her out of my arms and tickled her, all without dislodging his guest. “Isn’t that right? What are we going to do when Bethany has to go home?”

What am I going to do when I go home? That was the real question, the one that wore my brain down with its constant repetition. The sad part wasn’t that I didn’t know how to answer, it was that I knew exactly what it would be like.

It would destroy me.

“I’ll be right back,” I said as I stood and strolled over to the door and slipped outside.

Thinking back to only a few weeks ago, being back in this little town, with memories of my father and my childhood was the last thing I wanted. Now, I wondered why I had put so much distance between myself and a place that had so many good memories. It wasn’t like I didn’t feel sad when a memory of dad popped up, like when I saw the sign about the sleigh rides. Somehow I managed to convince Cole to go on one later tonight, but all the while I thought of that time with dad.

Sadness always came when I thought of him, but it wasn’t worse here. If anything, it was better. I could practically see him, see us, again in so many places. I smiled and remembered the good times so vividly, it was like he was right here again.

Sometime in the new year, when the holiday craziness was over and Aunt Nadine could find a new hire to help her at the shop, I’d leave once again. Leave the happy memories of my dad. The memories of Cole and Joy. My heart thudded to almost a damn near stop at the idea of being without them. I may have been able to handle the original one-night stand, but this, what we had now, I wasn’t sure how I was expected to pass this off as if it were nothing.

As if they hadn’t stolen my whole heart.

I knew this would happen. I’m not made for temporary. Not made for keeping my heart out of it.

That was the very last thing I managed, keeping my heart to myself and safe. Instead, I’d practically wrapped the damn thing in a bow and handed it to Cole, and Joy, even if one of them had no idea.

Tears blurred my vision, but like so often in the last month, I couldn’t help but notice the cardinal alighting on a nearby tree’s branch. Sometimes I thought it was my father’s way of trying to convince me to stay. Or he really thought I needed a ridiculous amount of guidance. Except how could I stay if Cole didn’t want forever? “What do I do, Dad?” my whispered question escaped my mouth on a cold breath. The bird batted its wings a few times, but didn’t move, didn’t fly off, and all I could do was wonder.

At some point, the place I didn’t think I wanted to be had become the very place I didn’t know how I was going to survive leaving.