Hung By the Fire (Evergreen Lake: Under the Mistletoe)

Chapter 25

twenty-five

COLE

Seconds ticked by, followed by minutes, until I was able to move.

I wasn’t exactly sure what I thought Bethany’s response to my declaration would be, but I don’t know if it was the ball being thrown back in my court. She had more faith in me than I’d ever once had in myself. Hell, only Brian and Tricia had ever shown me that kind of faith, and it was still hard for me to believe they entrusted me with Joy.

I fell back onto the sofa, not knowing exactly what to do with myself. My thoughts were going a mile a minute, yet my heart felt lighter than it ever had before. I always thought that if I fell in love, it would be painful. If what my parents had was love, then it couldn’t be anything but agony.

That wasn’t love, fool. That was abuse and disfunction.

For years, I had convinced myself if I were to have a relationship, it was destined to be like theirs. After all, I was their son, the one who didn’t deserve their love, so how could I deserve love from someone else?

Reaching out, I picked up one of the photos on the side table, one of Brian, Tricia, and Joy, right after her birth.

This was love. The obviousness of it, hit like a thunderbolt. It was there in the look in their eyes as they watched Joy. At the way they touched each other and her. This was what I should be using as a guide, not two people who didn’t give a shit about each other or me.

A whimper sounded from down the hall, a signal naptime was coming to an end. Putting the frame back, I made my way to Joy’s room. It was decorated exactly as Tricia had set it up at their house since I’d brought everything back. I’d only gone through Joy’s stuff, because even if I said I didn’t know how to take care of a baby, she was my number one priority from the second she became mine.

Mine.

There was that word again. Except this time, it wasn’t terror that flooded my system. It was acceptance. Belief. Love.

Grabbing the knob, I turned it ever so softly and pushed open the door. I should have known she’d be awake and greeting me. A quick change, and I brought her out to the living room, resuming my place on the couch.

There was no way I couldn’t notice how she looked around the house. Her eyes searching, her head moving.

“You’re looking for Bethany, aren’t you, cupcake?” Her gaze landed on mine, her mouth forming a cross between a pout and a frown. Someone was not happy about her absence. “She had to leave for a little bit.” Those lips tilted down, and I was afraid we’d be back to those first days of non-stop wailing, but this time for a very different reason.

“I know, you miss her already. I do too, Joy. I do too.” I picked the picture back up, settling Joy on my lap and putting it in front of her. “That’s your mommy and daddy and you.” Joy placed her hands on their images, gently patting the glass. “They were my best friends. They were my family.” The words hit hard, but sometimes the truth does that to a person. “You would have been so lucky to grow up with them. They loved you more than anything you could imagine. Now you’re stuck with me, but you know what?” As if knowing I asked a question, she tilted her head up at me. “I love you too, and I’m very lucky to have you.”

The doorbell stopped me from speaking anymore, which was probably a good thing because I needed to get my shit together.

Joy in my arms, I crossed to the door, pulling it open.

“Delivery for Cole Brawner. That you?” At my nod, the postman pushed an envelope and pen at me. “Sign on that card.” Once done, he ripped it off and left without another word.

I closed the door, staring at an envelope with the return address of the law firm where Tricia worked.

“I certainly hope no one has come to their senses and decided I wasn’t supposed to get you, cupcake, because they are not getting you back. You’re mine.” Joy clapped and laid her head on my chest. My heart may or may not have exploded a little. “Let’s see what we have here.”

Tearing open the envelope, I pulled out a piece of letterhead.

Mr. Brawner,

Please find a letter composed by Brian and Tricia James for delivery in event of their passing.

I didn’t even read the rest of the letter, the words inconsequential compared to the other envelope that slid out.

Holding Joy in my arms, I lowered myself to a chair, hands shaking as I saw my name and recognized Brian’s familiar scrawl. Carefully, as if afraid to lose a piece of my friend all over again, I opened the envelope and unfolded the sheet of paper inside.

Cole,

Tricia’s making me write this ‘cause she thinks you’ll think we made a mistake. She’s probably right. You will.

If you’re reading this, something has gone terribly wrong, and we’re not there to raise our Joy. It’s definitely not the plan we had. We pictured years and years with our baby and hopefully more to come. Years and years of love. Years and years of you being by our side (and maybe one day getting your head out of your ass and finding the perfect woman).

Guess that didn’t happen. At least not for us.

I know you thought we were crazy asking you to be Joy’s guardian, but there was no other person worthy of taking care of our Joy than you. You are the best man I know. I knew it from that very first day in the recruiter’s office, and I will know it until the last breath I take. You will take care of our girl, love her, and always be there for her. You’ll keep us alive for her (though please don’t tell her the stupid shit I did, it’s embarrassing).

You’ve always doubted your capacity to love, but I never did. I never once doubted that you loved me like a brother, just as I did you. That you loved Tricia and Joy and would take care of them if something were to happen to me. Now’s your time to believe in yourself, buddy. Believe in the person we know you are.

Believe that Joy will show you love because that’s what she is. Pure love. Pure joy.

Take care of our girl.

’Til we see you again.

Brian and Tricia

PS - This is Tricia - now’s your time to find love, Cole. Your heart’s too big to go without it, even if you don’t know it. Give Joy a sibling or two, a woman who loves her as much as she’ll love you. That will be your greatest gift to us.

I read it again, trying to let the words sink in. Brian and I had always been the stoic types. We both came from backgrounds where we were treated like crap, like we were a waste of space. Like we didn’t matter. We saw it in each other, but rarely talked about it. What was there to say? We picked ourselves up and moved on. Or at least tried to.

Brian managed it a hell of a lot more successfully than I did. He let love in.

Maybe I had too, without even noticing it. I loved them. I loved Joy. I loved Bethany. Maybe I wasn’t unworthy. Thoughts of a conversation floated back to me, one from not long before Joy was born.

“Are you sure?” I looked at my best friend like he’d grown a second head.

“Of course we are. Who the hell would be better than you to take care of our baby?”

“Pretty much anyone else? I know nothing about babies, about kids.” Except how not to treat them, how not to act like my parents did.

“But they don’t love her already.”

Brian slapped me on the back and walked out of the room, leaving me to stare out the window. Since we’d never have to find out what a shit job I would actually do, at least I didn’t have to worry.

How could I be unworthy if Brian and Tricia entrusted me with such a precious gift?

Then reality struck and it struck hard.

They were gone. This was the first time I’d allowed myself to grieve my own loss. Between trying to get things settled and then coming home and worrying about Joy, everything had been about her. As it should.

But I lost them too. I needed to come to terms with that better, to accept the pain it created within me.

I read it three times, before I realized tears were sliding down my face uncontrollably. Joy was patting me, but even she was beginning to get agitated and inconsolable, simply from my reaction.

I gathered her close, kissing her head, patting her on the back. “I’m okay, baby girl, I’m okay.” Possibly better than I’ve ever been. Between hearing Brian’s voice in my head again and reading the faith he had in me, something inside shifted.

Joy deserved the best of everything, the best I could give her, and definitely the best of me.

That best involved Bethany. Now I had to figure out how to make her see I’d pulled myself together.

From the kitchen, my phone chimed. I stood, on decidedly shaky knees but Joy secure in my arms, and made our way to the kitchen.

Mrs. M

Thought you may like these.

I unlocked the phone and pulled up the text app, captivated by what I saw.

I knew exactly what I had to do.