Hypothetical Heart (Farewell Fairwood #2)

Chapter 13

13

“ C an we address the elephant in the room?” Genevieve asks, throwing down her backpack as she and Eloise take seats in the booth of Taylor’s Diner.

It’s an average Friday night, and the diner has been packed to the brim all evening, but that hasn’t stopped us from taking over our favorite table.

“More like the elephant of our lives,” Eloise adds.

“Sure…” I trail off, not sure what they are referring to. “What is it?”

“We want to know why you haven’t ever dated anyone,” Eloise blurts out. “Specifically Logan.” Genevieve elbows her in the ribs, which makes her topple over.

“What?”

Genevieve sighs. “All of us always thought you never dated anyone because you were so head-over-heels for Logan, and it was him you wanted in the end. We’ve all been waiting for the Winnie and Logan shoe to drop, but we’re starting to wonder how long this is going to go on.”

Out of all the people in our friend group, I always thought Genevieve was the one who thought Logan and I would never get together, so her admission made my stomach sink.

It hasn’t even been a week since Luke’s birthday dinner and all I’ve been thinking about has been Logan and I’s conversation in the car. Genevieve and Eloise bringing it up only puts more emphasis on it.

I can feel my face turn beet red at her accusation. “I mean, it’s not like I’m waiting around for Logan.”

“We know that,” Eloise says. “But there was always a looming feeling that the two of you would get together eventually. I think everyone thought that.”

“Why does it feel like you no longer believe that? Did Logan say something?” I ask, already feeling a panic in my chest.

“No, no, of course not,” Genevieve assures me. “Logan would never say anything like that.” I believe her.

“Can I tell you guys something?” Something in my gut tells me it’s time to come clean. The two of them have no idea about what happened between Logan and me when we were fifteen.

“Of course,” Genevieve says as they both nod.

I take a deep breath. Just rip the Band-Aid off.

“We’ve already tried being together, and it didn’t work,” I say it like my tongue is on fire, and I’m trying to spit it out of my mouth.

“ What? ” they both say together, their voices rising.

"When I went on that date our freshman year, Logan came over to my house afterward. We both confessed our feelings for one another, but then…”

“Your mom died,” Eloise finishes like it’s all making sense.

“Yeah. A couple of days after, I walked into his house and told him I wasn’t ready, and that was that. We’ve briefly talked about it since, and we’ve agreed to try again when we’re both ready.”

They’re both staring at me in complete shock, like it’s the craziest thing I’ve ever told them. “But… you’re not ready?” Genevieve asks. I shake my head.

“In all honesty, me and Luke have been betting when you and Logan would get together since eighth grade, and we’re shocked every year that it doesn’t happen.”

“You weren’t a part of this bet?” I ask Genevieve.

“No.” She shrugs. “I always assumed the two of you were too worried about your friendship being ruined if your relationship went any further.” That’s what I thought.

“So, why haven’t you tried dating someone else?” Eloise asks.

“No one has ever seemed interested in me like that.” Genevieve gives me a look, one that says, are you crazy? “What?”

“Winnie, there is no way you think no guy in our school has ever liked you.”

Eloise nods in agreement. “Do you know how many guys have come up to me asking if you’re single?”

“Seriously?”

“I had a guy from our Calculus class come up to me today asking if you had a prom date,” Genevieve says. “You cannot be that oblivious, Winnie.”

I roll my lips between my teeth. “I’ve never noticed guys taking any interest in me.”

“That’s because everyone has always thought Logan had already staked his claim on you,” Eloise groans. “Guys are only just now realizing that the two of you aren’t dating.”

“Why would people think Logan and I are dating?”

Genevieve puts her head in her hands, looking down at the table in disbelief. “Well, for starters, you went to homecoming with him.”

“Let alone the fact that you two have been attached at the hip since birth, and you went around our kindergarten class telling everyone he was your husband,” Eloise adds.

A stabbing pain works its way through my chest. “Maybe it’s for the better,” I say.

“What?” They both reel.

“In all honesty, I think I leaned into the rumors because I never really wanted a relationship, especially after my mom died.” I’m sure it’s something they could have picked up on, but I never admitted it out loud.

The year my mom died, I spiraled. I was seconds away from throwing away my beloved romance collection after seeing how torn up my dad was over her death. I didn’t believe love could end with something that wasn’t disheveled pain.

If it weren’t for Genevieve dragging the garbage bags back up from the end of the driveway, they would have gone to the dump.

“Winnie,” Genevieve sighs. “Your mom dying had nothing to do with how much you loved her.”

“It’s not about that.” I look up at the ceiling, trying to avoid the tears building in my eyes. “I saw what my dad went through when she died, how upset he was. I mean, the love of his life just died, and he still had two kids to take care of. Nothing can prepare you for that.”

“We all saw how difficult it was for him,” Genevieve says.

“How does anyone move on from that?” Tears finally fall, and Eloise hands me a napkin. “I can barely get over the fact that my mom died. I couldn’t even imagine having to move through the world without the person you planned your entire life around.”

“That’s not something you should be worried about. It’s not something anyone worries about until it happens,” Eloise tells me.

“I can’t ignore the fact that bad things happen to good people, and there’s nothing we can do about it. My dad loved my mom more than anyone in the world, and then one day, she just died .” I shake my head. Usually, I don’t get angry about her death, but right now, I’m furious. “I can’t do that to someone I love, and I especially can’t have that happen to me. Not again.”

Genevieve grabs my hands, squeezing them tightly. “Winnie, what happened to your mom, as awful as it was, was a freak accident. There’s no controlling the way the universe works or who is in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

Her statement hits me like a tidal wave, and my unfocused anger is washed away like writing in the sand. There’s no controlling the way the universe works or who is in the wrong place at the wrong time.

It doesn’t completely take away from my worry of me or Logan dying at the hands of unforeseeable events, but it’s the type of response I’ve needed ever since she died. It’s not the generic “She’s in heaven now.” Or “God knew she’d be a beautiful angel.” It was a response that actually made sense. Sometimes, the wrong thing happens to the wrong person.

I didn’t want my mom to be an angel or in heaven. I wanted her here, to be my mom.

But she just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, and there’s nothing anyone can do to control that .

“Thank you,” I whisper, squeezing Genevieve’s hands again as a final tear rolls down my cheek.

“We’re always here for you, Winnie,” Genevieve says. “I don’t like knowing that you’ve been feeling like this for almost three years and kept it to yourself.”

“It wasn’t on purpose,” I tell her honestly. “I didn’t even realize the correlation between my mom and why I didn’t want to date until you brought it up.”

“Well, maybe now’s the perfect time for you to try to date, even if it’s not Logan,” Eloise suggests.

The idea almost makes me sick, considering I’ve never thought about any other guy romantically. But I’ve also been telling myself for years that, at some point, I’m going to have to move on.

“No, it has to be Logan,” I say. “I couldn’t even think about anyone else that way.”

“Okay, well, then you’re going to have to do something about it,” Genevieve says.

“I will, I will.”

“Gen, do you remember when we told Logan about Winnie’s date freshman year?” Eloise laughs.

“Oh, he was pissed,” Genevieve replies.

“Really?” I ask, and they both look at me like I’ve grown three heads.

“Winnie, that boy has been in love with you for as long as he’s known you.”

Flashback: 4 years ago

“ D id you hear the news?” Eloise asks as I take my seat at the lunch table.

“What news?”

“Well, that answers my question.” She pauses, building up the anticipation before saying, “Winnie has a date this weekend!”

She might as well have punched me in the sternum because that’s what it feels like. Every breath I try to take is strangled, and I try to cover up how I’m practically gasping for air with a cough. “What?”

“Yeah, a guy in her English class asked her to get coffee on Saturday!” Genevieve smiles. “Isn’t it exciting?” Not in the slightest, is all I’m thinking.

“Who is this guy?” I scoff, picking up my sandwich and taking a monstrous bite. I need to muffle myself before I say something I shouldn’t.

“His name is Hayden,” Eloise says.

“He sounds like a fucking punk,” I say with my mouth full.

“Okay, no need to go all big brother,” Genevieve laughs.

“Don’t even go there.” The thought of being seen as Winnie’s big brother makes me cringe. It’s not a title I have ever claimed, nor do I ever want to.

“Why is this such a big deal to you?” Eloise asks teasingly, poking me in the arm.

“I think it’s pretty obvious why it’s such a big deal,” Genevieve replies before I can.

“Because I care about Winnie and don’t want her to get hurt.” They both give me a skeptical look. “Look me in the eye and tell me you are one hundred percent sure Hayden is a good guy.”

“I talked to him today,” Eloise says, stealing a fry from my plate. “He seems really nice.”

“I didn’t ask if he seemed nice. I’m asking if he’s a good guy, as in: he doesn’t have a criminal record or talks offensively to women.”

“You really think we would let our best friend go on a date with a guy we know will treat her like shit?” Genevieve scoffs. “You’re not the only one who cares about her, Logan.”

“Gen, that’s not what I’m saying.” My hands reach up to grab my hair. “I’m sorry, this is just so unexpected.”

I’m frustrated that I didn’t hear it from Winnie. I wish she would have been the one to tell me she was going on a date. And maybe that’s me being selfish because I feel like she’s moving on from something that never happened.

I like to believe that if she had told me she was going on a date with someone else, then I would have told her not to. Maybe, just maybe, I would have finally built up the courage to tell Winnie exactly how I felt about her.

But I can’t keep holding her back. I can’t keep acting as if she’s mine because she’s not. This is something I have to let her do.

“I should go,” I tell them, and by the looks on their faces, they can read between the lines. Winnie’s going to be here any minute, and I can’t handle talking to her about this.

Not now. Not ever.

I get up from the table, but before I can make it far, I feel a hand wrap around my arm. “Logan,” Genevieve sighs.

“I’m fine, Gen, really.” I keep walking, and she follows.

“Do you want me to tell her not to go?” She asks, stopping me in my tracks. “Because I will. I don’t know whether it will hurt her, but if it will hurt you more to watch her go on a date with someone else, I will tell her not to.”

“I can’t do that to her.”

“Yes, you can,” she argues, pulling me down a side hallway so we’re more secluded. “If you feel how we all think you do about her, then you should.”

“I’m not having this conversation with you right now.” I try to walk away, but she doesn’t let me.

“You’re not leaving,” she tells me.

“Yeah, I am.”

“No, you’re not.” She grabs me by the arm, and if I really wanted to, I could break from her grasp and leave, but I don’t.

“Gen, come on,” I sigh.

If there’s one thing to know about Genevieve, it’s that she doesn’t bluff. She also doesn’t tell you what you want to hear. I know she’s going to be completely honest with me, and I’m not sure I’m prepared for that.

“Winnie is not some random girl you have a crush on. She’s your best friend.”

“What? I had no idea,” I say sarcastically.

She smacks me in the back of the head. “Don’t be a dick.”

“Winnie cares about you, probably just as much as you care about her. You should really think about that before you let her go on a date with someone else.” Her advice only makes me more confused.

“Huh?”

“I’m not saying anything else about it.” Now, it’s her turn to walk away. “Think about it. It’s your decision to make.”

“You’re infuriating!” I yell.

“And you love me!”

I hate it when she’s right, which is more often than not because she’s one of the smartest people I’ve ever met. By all accounts, Genevieve’s advice should be sound and point me in the right direction.

If only I knew what she meant by it.