I Do With You (Maple Creek)

Chapter 26 HOPE

Chapter 26

H OPE

One call to Joy, one sobbed plea consisting of nothing more than her name, and she’s in full-blown sister-defense mode. “Go to my place. I’ll meet you there.”

She’s at work today but is hightailing it out of there in an instant for me. That’s what friends do. That’s what family does. Not the mean, cold, hurtful thing Sean did.

I hate him.

Mostly because he ruined everything. I was happy in my stupidity, thinking Ben and I had something special. Fast, yes, but I’ve developed real, deep, strong feelings for him, and I thought he had done the same. But no. It was all some sort of vile, devious game I didn’t know I was playing.

Joy beats me to her apartment, probably because she broke every speed limit and ran every red light, but I can’t scold her for it when she opens the door holding a glass of red wine and a piece of dark chocolate candy.

“It’s not even noon,” I say, but I’m hardcore eyeing the wine.

“It’s five o’clock somewhere,” she singsongs, pushing both offerings into my hands. “Besides, red wine and chocolate are good for your heart.”

“I think that’s for heart disease,” I argue weakly, carrying them with me as I curl up in the corner of her couch, sniffling and blinking my scratchy, raw eyes as I try to make myself as small as possible to hold all my brokenness together.

Joy waves a hand around dismissively as she sits on the other end of the couch. “Heart disease, heartache, heartbreak, high blood pressure ... whatever. What happened? And if those tears are about Roy the Pretty Boy, I’m going to slap you, so tread carefully.”

I snort a humorless laugh, which echoes in my wineglass, because yeah, I’m drinking it. Just like she knew I would. Roy? I haven’t thought of him in ages, it seems. He’s a distant memory in the face of losing Ben. “Ben lied.”

Her eyes narrow as she studies my tear-soaked face. “About what? We talking he’s married, he’s the prince of a country we’ve never heard of, or he’s got crotch rot?”

My sister is strange. She watches cheesy Hallmark movies but spends too much time with immature sports guys, so those are the extremes her mind goes to.

“He’s not a business consultant, that’s for sure,” I huff as I shove a piece of candy into my mouth. Okay, she might’ve been right about the wine-chocolate combo. It’s not helping, but it’s not hurting either.

“Okaaay, are we talking pilot, porn star, IRS agent, podcast dude, politician, or serial killer?” She rattles off that list like the spectrum of bad to worse was already in her mind. “Gimme something to work with here, woman.”

“Why’re pilots bad?” I ask, not immediately seeing the downside to free vacation flights anywhere I want to go. That’s what I should’ve done after Roy. Just left Maple Creek and gone somewhere where no one knew me and I didn’t know anyone. Maybe I’ll do that now?

“Hookups in every city, clueless spouse at home.” She snaps her fingers, focusing me. “So he’s a pilot?”

I shake my head. “No, he’s—”

I freeze, the truth on the tip of my tongue. I can’t tell her. I don’t know why.

I should. She’d be as mad as I am about Ben’s lies. But I choke on saying the words, He’s the lead singer of a band, wears a whole-ass costume onstage, and scream-sings like a demon’s possessed him while the audience basically worships him like a god.

Finally, I manage to say, “I can’t tell you exactly what he is.”

She tilts her head, studying me. “Straight to the serial killer, then,” she says flatly. She must not really believe that’s true, though, because she keeps rolling. “Mr. Not a Business Consultant is something else. Something secret. CIA agent?” she guesses with a side eye to gauge my reaction.

I give her a look of annoyance, and to mollify me, she throws another piece of candy at me, the way you’d toss a steak toward a dog to keep it from attacking you. It hits me in the shoulder and bounces to the couch. When I pick it up, effectively accepting her nonapology, she says, “Fine. I’ll quit guessing because you’re gonna tell me eventually. For now, does whatever it is change things for you?”

I stare into the depths of my wine, wishing I could go back to before I knew. “It changes everything. Not because of what he does—it’s not even bad, just confusing and weird. But because he lied. Over and over, he lied.” I can hear the flat, emotionless tone of my voice, but it’s because shock is setting in, not because I’m not feeling everything so intensely.

“Confusing. Weird. Sells pics online of his feet with his toes stuck in various foods?” she guesses, breaking the vow she made a whole twelve seconds ago.

I shake my head. “Joy.” She holds her hands up in surrender, but she has succeeded in drying my tears with wine, chocolate, and annoying comments. So I tell her the conundrum I’m in. “If he lied about this, he could’ve lied about other things. Or everything. I felt like we had this deep, serious connection, but what if it’s all fake?”

“Does it feel fake?” she asks gently.

I sigh, dropping my chin to hide behind my hair before I confess. “No. It felt like love. But now I don’t know.”

“I’m sure you haven’t told him all your deep, dark secrets either,” Joy points out.

I don’t have any. Maybe that’s the problem. I’ve been completely up front and honest with Ben, telling him things about my relationship with Roy that definitely don’t paint me in a particularly flattering light and sharing my heart and body in ways that terrified me until he made it seem safe to do so. Only to find out that he’s been hiding this big part of himself. And now I don’t trust anything he’s said or done.

There’s a huge question mark looming over it all.

There’s a knock at the door, and Joy jumps up. “It’s Shep. I texted him in case we needed backup. I thought we were going after Roy, but he’ll be happy to commit a little stabby-stab on Ben instead.” As she’s saying the last part, she opens the door.

Except it’s not Shepherd standing there. It’s Ben and Sean, who both look dazed at her casual threat of murder by knife.

“Oh, well, this certainly kills Shep’s element of surprise,” she taunts.

Ben rushes past her, falling to his knees in front of me. “Hope, I can explain.”

I curl up tighter, not wanting him to touch me. “No. I said leave me alone.”

“Over my dead body is the only way you’re taking my sister to some CIA black ops site,” Joy tells Ben from the doorway. She’s blocking Sean, making him stay in the hallway as her eyes jump back and forth like she’s waiting on either guy to make a move. “And don’t think my neighbors aren’t all watching this, recording it on their Ring cameras to give to the news. Twin Sisters Kidnapped by Top-Secret Government Agents has a nice ring to it, don’t ya think?”

Ben looks back at Joy in confusion. “What’re you talking about?”

I’ve decided I’m not talking to Ben, but I am talking to my sister. “He’s not a CIA agent, Joy.”

“Riiight,” she drawls, tapping her nose. “I hear you. Definitely not CIA.”

“Why don’t we let these two fuckers figure their shit out?” Sean suggests to Joy, holding an arm out to invite her out of her own apartment.

“Charming,” Joy deadpans, scanning Sean up and down like he’s dog shit on her designer shoe. But she looks back at me, waiting for instructions.

“I know you have questions,” Ben rushes to say. “I’ll answer anything. It doesn’t matter now that you know.”

“It matters to me!” I roar, my anger returning in full force.

He shoves his fingers through his hair, wincing as he pulls at the strands. “I know. I didn’t mean it like that. I meant that I can tell you everything now.”

Joy whispers out the side of her mouth to Sean, “Wanna go to Let’s F*rk?”

“Is that a euphemism for fucking ?” he answers hopefully, his right brow lifting as he looks Joy up and down.

She smacks him on the chest, not caring in the slightest that she doesn’t even know him and he looks like the serial killer she worried Ben was. “No, it’s a sandwich place. I’m hungry for lunch and had wine and chocolate instead.”

“Already ate.” His eyes return to Ben and me, watching us with zero expression on his face.

Joy doesn’t take no for an answer and shoves him back a step, though I’m pretty sure he moves out of shock, not because she’s that strong. “Wrong answer, asshole. Let’s leave these two—what did you so delicately call it? Oh yeah, leave these two fuckers to figure their shit out.”

Sean blinks slowly, looking at Joy like he’s seeing her for the first time and liking what he sees. She snaps her fingers in his face. “Don’t get any ideas. I don’t date G-men.”

“What about G-spot men?” Sean teases. Or I think it’s a tease because there’s a tiny hint of light in his eyes that’s new.

When they leave, Ben shakes his head. “I don’t know if that’s okay, but I need to talk to you. I can explain.”

“There’s no need,” I answer numbly. “You lied. The end.”

He refuses to hear that. “No. I couldn’t tell you, Hope. I’m not allowed.”

I huff out a humorless laugh. “Doesn’t seem to have stopped Sean from doing it.”

He nods. “I know, and he’s going to pay a steep price for that if you tell anyone. Did you tell Joy?”

Realization dawns. He’s not here to apologize or defend himself or ask for forgiveness. He’s here to make sure I’m going to keep quiet. “Does it matter? Or is that part of the game?”

“Game? What the hell did Sean tell you?” he growls, but doesn’t wait for a play-by-play. “Look, Sean and I are in a band. Midnight Destruction. We have been for years, but my stage fright is a bigger issue than I admitted to. I can’t sing onstage as myself. So he came up with the idea of costumes, masks, and all that shit. It’s a way to hide myself so I can do what we need to. But all that secrecy is a big deal to us. If people knew who we are, we wouldn’t be able to live our lives.”

“Musicians and actors live their lives every day,” I argue, not sure why I’m even entertaining this. I don’t care. I don’t.

“But I can’t. It’s too much,” Ben says, his voice full of emotion. “Maybe that means I’m weak, but it’s the truth. If my identity is revealed, I’m done.”

“Dramatic much?” I snap, still not caring. Nope, not even a bitty bit of care in this heart. I turned it off, like a light switch.

If only it were that easy.

“I saw you, Ben. That’s not what you do, not something you can walk away from like a job at the Piggly Wiggly. That’s who you are.” I point a finger to his chest, wishing I could stab him there so he’d bleed out the way I am.

“It is. It’s a part of me, but it’s a role too. To them—the fans, I mean—I’m a character they ascribe attributes to, reading into my every move and gesture while they dissect every lyric. It’s a vulnerability I’m not strong enough to withstand as myself.” He grabs at his chest, yanking at his T-shirt like he’s disappointed at his own humanness. “But it was our way out. Sean’s and mine. So I did what I had to do. We signed our lives away, and one of the rules is, we can’t tell anyone.”

I glare at him, silently reminding him that Sean told me. “I won’t say anything.”

He sighs in relief, confirming that that’s what he’s really here for.

Angrily, I bite out, “I won’t say anything about you ever again. I’m going to pretend this was all a fever dream. I’ll probably wake up in the woods any minute now and realize I tripped over my wedding dress, bumped my head, and went unconscious for an indeterminate length of time. I’ll go home and Mom will take care of me, doing concussion checks every thirty minutes until she’s sure I don’t have a brain bleed.”

As awful as that sounds, I almost hope it’s true. It’d be better than the reality of this betrayal.

“No,” he growls, rising up to his knees and gripping my hips to pull me to face him fully. Up close, he says, “This is real. We are real. It’s all real.”

“I don’t believe you. You lied,” I answer. No matter how many times I say it, it’s really as simple as that. He can say whatever he wants, but I’m never going to trust him again. He played with the truth, with my feelings, with my heart too easily, and I’m too freshly whole to risk breaking.

Especially because Ben could do a lot more than break me. He could shatter me. Ruin me.

He might’ve already done that.

“Everything else I told you is true. My childhood, my mom, my arrest, my music, my heart. It’s all true.”

“Or was it a character you were playing?” I throw his own words back at him. “One you designed just for me, reading my train wreck of a life and dissecting what I might want so you could deliver it on a silver platter. I really am that gullible, aren’t I? Well, bravo , Ben. You made me fall in love with you. You win.”

He flinches and I’m glad my words are slicing into him as intended. I want him to hurt the way I do.

I’m mad at myself for not seeing through him, but the truth is, I wanted to believe in love. I’ve seen it firsthand, so I know it’s real, and I actually thought that maybe I was going to be one of the lucky ones who got struck by lightning. This was going to be our wild and crazy meet-cute in the woods and whirlwind falling-in-love story.

Instead, it’s another cautionary tale, of men who aren’t what they seem and stupid girls who believe them anyway.

I won’t be her. I refuse to be that girl. I ignored so many red flags with Roy, sweeping them under the rug and pretending things were perfect, and all it did was make me small, sad, and alone. This thing with Ben isn’t even a red flag. It’s a glaringly bright neon light shining directly into my eyes, impossible to ignore. If he can be this deceitful this easily, there’s no coming back from that. There’s no pretending I haven’t seen behind the curtain, and I don’t want to pretend anymore anyway.

I want real. I want passion. I want vulnerability and safety. I want adventure and fun. And I thought I’d found it all in one Ben-shaped package.

Now I’ll never say his name again. Oh, I’ll whisper it to myself as I fall asleep, sobbing into my pillow. But I need to continue this journey back to me . Ben’s been instrumental, literally picking me up out of the dirt to get me started, and I’ll always be thankful for that, but the next phase is going to be all mine.

I’ll be strong. I’ll be bold. I’ll expect more from myself and from others. I’ll set boundaries. I’ll use my voice to express who I am, what I feel, and what I want. I will take back the power I’ve given to Roy and then to Ben, seeing myself through their eyes instead of through my own.

I will become the best version of myself. Alone.

And I will stand proudly. Alone.

Until I’m ready to trust again.

I won’t give up on love entirely. But I won’t go in so blindly optimistic. I’ll have walls that’ve been constructed on damaged soil, and it’ll take someone special for me to risk building a future with them. One day, I’ll find him. And it won’t be easy, but I’ll do it right and create a foundation for a happy life, just the way my parents did.

That day is not today.

“I didn’t want to tell you like this, but I love you, Hope. I love you.” His dark eyes bore into mine, pleading with me to understand and believe. His fingers grip the flesh of my hips like he’s reassuring himself that I’m still within his grasp.

But I’m not.

“It’s not enough. I can’t do this.” I move a hand between the two of us. “Maybe we just got carried away.”

“Don’t do that. Don’t make it seem like this is less than it is.”

“Was. What it was .”

I see the realization sinking in, watch as it sinks to the rock bottom of his heart, feel the moment all breath leaves him.

“You should go, Ben.”

He doesn’t move for a long minute, his eyes tracing over my face. It feels like he’s memorizing me for posterity. He gets up from the floor and walks to the door, his shoulders drooping for a moment before squaring again. He pauses there, his back to me and his hand on the knob. “I love you. Not loved — love .”

With that, he walks out, leaving the door open, and I can’t help but watch the way his strides eat up the hallway floor, taking him farther and farther away. I have a moment of weakness and almost call out, but I shove that stupidity down. I need to be better than this. I am better than this.

But then the tears come again, washing away all my strength, all my resolve, until I’m nothing more than a messy train wreck in the corner of Joy’s couch.