If I Were To Die (Artificial Suicide #1)

Twenty-six

It was the middle of August.

The ambience on the Copenhagen River harbor docks was perfect, with the sun bathing them and a soft breeze swirling around.

Noah loved it here, especially now that he didn’t work every day of the week. He had stopped giving music lessons, keeping only his job at the venue to not cut his income completely. That way he wouldn’t have to stress about last-minute preparations, money, and also would have more time to spend with his favorite people. He was ready for this new phase in his life, but it’d be foolish to deny he would miss Mom and his friends.

It hadn’t been super hard to hang out with them throughout the summer, but they were mostly busy in the morning, while he was in the afternoons. So, he didn’t see them as often as he’d have liked. Adding his sex adventures with Kaj to his schedule only complicated things more. Because, although he trusted them and they knew Noah had a fling, he would not tell them who it was. He wasn’t ashamed of wanting what he wanted, but he wasn’t exactly proud of being someone’s side dish, either. Especially these past two weeks that Kaj had been quite elusive.

Noah didn’t know if it was because the dynamic between them had slightly shifted during that weekend at his house, or because Kaj was done with him—again. His soul chafed at the thought, no matter how hard Noah tried to convince himself he was okay with it.

“Holy shit!” Theo exclaimed. “Have you seen this?”

“Huh?” Val said, looking at him over the rim of his sunglasses.

“Kaj’s the new drummer of Artificial Suicide.”

Noah’s heart thudded in his chest.

“What are you talking about?” he grumbled as he sat up, crisscrossing his legs. As comfortable as he’d been listening to music while lying on the wooden surface of the dock for the last hour, his entire body hurt now.

“Look.” Theo handed them his phone.

“We would like to officially welcome Kaj Larsen as the new drummer of Artificial Suicide,” Val read out loud. “What the actual fuck?” He chuckled nervously.

Artificial Suicide had grown a lot during the past few years, breaking records within the metal music industry. They had ranked on several charts all over the world and became gold-certified by the RIIA, in barely five years, with their third album—which was a lot for their genre.

However, their now-former drummer had been dealing with health issues for a while until he decided to step down from the stage.

“Didn’t he mention anything when you saw him the other day?” Val asked Theo.

“Not a word, but this kinda explains why he’s been so elusive this past month. I mean, they’re releasing a fucking single and a video.” He gestured with his hand, leaving the palm up for Val to return his device.

“Yeah...” He shook his head in disbelief, grinning. “This is insane. Kaj, the drummer of Artificial Suicide. Wow!” He laughed.

As they fangirled over their friend signing with a record label to be part of one of the biggest metalcore bands of the moment, Noah’s mind drifted away.

He wasn’t jealous of Kaj. Sure, he still daydreamed about being swamped in the bustle of a wild crowd as he stepped on stage, but he also had a clear, more realistic goal for the near future. Yet, learning that he was continuing with his life, keeping secrets while getting where he’d always wanted to be, without him...

Uneasiness settled in Noah’s chest.

They hadn’t seen each other as much after the weekend they’d spent together, and like Theo had said, this explained why. But it still bothered him. Although he knew beforehand, the cold realization that they were, in fact, nothing but sex buddies, hit him harder than expected. They were extra nasty when they fucked. They had even silently agreed to a temporary truce, having normal conversations from time to time. But this was clearly a one-way road.

Why am I so stupid?

Why couldn’t he just fuck Kaj without emotions clouding his reasoning? It had been three fucking years since they had broken up. They both had met other people. They’d built lives of their own.

Why couldn’t he let go of this man?

And most important of all, why the hell did he think he would be able to handle this?

Still, against his better judgment, while Val and Theo continued talking about Kaj’s achievement, Noah grabbed his phone and texted him.

I heard about Artificial Suicide

Congrats!

Wanna celebrate?

Stupid didn’t even cut it.

“I’m gonna go home,” Noah said with a groggy voice.

“Already?” Val asked, pouting. “It’s early, dude. And you’re gonna leave us in three weeks.”

“I’m tired and hungry.” And also wanna bang my head against a wall .

“We can order some pizzas or something. They have a three-for-one offer on Tuesdays at that crappy place near the apartment,” Theo noted.

“Pizza, beer, and friends. What do you say?” Val pressed.

He rolled his eyes, feigning annoyance. “Fiiine. But no more beer, Coke or something else. I think I’m dehydrated from all the alcohol and sun.”

“Done.” Theo grinned.

Standing up, they grabbed their towels, bags, and trash, and made their way to the train station with disheveled heads and patchy, reddened skin.

The evening was quite chill. They ate like pigs while watching The Crow , only to end up sprawled on the floor, cackling as they showed each other black humor memes that should make them question their own sanity. When Noah was with these two, time never passed, but also moved way too fast. They never got bored, spending hours and hours talking, joking, and laughing until their stomachs hurt. Yet, every minute with them felt like a second.

“I’m gonna miss you so fucking much,” Noah said out loud, easing out of his laughter as tears brimmed his eyes.

“No, dude. Don’t do that.” Theo slapped his chest with the back of his hand. “If you cry, I cry. So, stop it.” He rolled over, crushing Noah’s body with his as he laid on top of him and pinched his side. “Babies are not allowed in here.”

“I’m not crying!”

“Group hug!” Val shouted as he stood up and let himself fall over them.

“Fu-uck!” Noah protested between laughs, a stray tear rolling down his cheek. “Get off me!” He tried slapping either of them, but his arms were trapped.

“No fucking way!”

“Yo, Val!” Theo called out. “Careful with that knee. I still wanna have kids.”

“If you ever do, they’ll be little demons in disguise.”

“I wish I could tell you to fuck off, but if they end up being like me, they sure will set the world on fire.”

The three of them laughed. Noah could barely breathe, but the sliver of pain felt so good for once in his life, he wouldn’t change it for anything. The way his concerns disappeared when he was with Val and Theo was like nothing he’d ever known. They were chaotic bliss. His rock. His calm in the storm.

Unfortunately, when Noah was alone, the noise in his head turned up again.

It was almost two in the morning when they went to sleep, leaving him with his thoughts in the dark and an unanswered text.

Days passed on the calendar, and nothing. Not a fucking word from Kaj.

Determined to ask why he hadn’t replied to his last text, even to cut his losses if necessary, as he walked to the train station after his Friday shift, Noah dialed Kaj’s number. It was late, but he was such a night owl, Noah was sure he would still be awake.

One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

“Hey, you...” His voice was deeper than normal, hoarse with a note of exhaustion.

“Don’t ‘hey, you’ me. If you’re still alive, you could have texted back or something.”

“Been in a lousy mood for a few days,” Kaj slurred. “I’ll make it up to you soon enough, yeah?”

“You don’t need to.” Noah’s steps sounded as angry as his tone.

“Don’t be like that. You know I love that tight ass of yours. You’re my favorite toy.”

“Yeah. And that’s all I’ll ever be. A hole to keep your dick warm.”

A slurping sound resonated on the other end of the call. “ Mmm... Kaj. You taste so good .”

Noah froze in the middle of the street as jealousy swam to the surface.

Was that—a woman’s voice?

“We’ll talk another time,” Kaj rasped.

The line cut.

Bile crept up Noah’s throat and his brain synapses collapsed.

What. The. Fuck?

The world around Noah swayed, making him lose balance for a moment. And suddenly, the feelings he had buried deep down fell to pieces at his feet like shattered glass.

Noah had learned to live with the pain of not being Kaj’s cornerstone as he was dating Mads. He’d made peace with the idea of sharing this man with him. But in his delusion, he believed that somewhere along this thorny path, they would end up trusting each other again. He had convinced himself that with the two of them, his job, and the band, Kaj wouldn’t have time or need anyone else. That was the only reason Noah was still walking on the edge of a knife. And now... the boost of serotonin Kaj had offered felt like a thousand cuts.

With the air in his lungs burning, Noah resumed his way to the train station. The lies he fed himself and Kaj had let him believe as facts had been nothing but a retaining wall to preserve his sanity in the middle of a battle between what he wanted and what he should do. And it had all crumbled down.

His pulse rumbled in his veins and hopelessness infected his cells one by one. His heart struggled to keep him alive, writhing in his chest as an unspeakable love he hadn’t dared to acknowledge before slowly drowned in this cruel reality.

Always and forever was just a pantomime.

Don’t contact me ever again

We’re done

After that night, and several attempts on Kaj’s part to contact him, Noah blocked his number, certain that if he heard his voice or saw him, he would get trapped in his web again.

It probably made Noah a despicable coward, but since he didn’t have anything to say to Kaj, he didn’t want to risk the little self-respect he had left.

The farther, the better.

The wounds Kaj inflicted in the past shattered promises and dreams, along with his heart.

This one, however, was all on Noah.

He had to let Kaj go. For real this time.

As he approached his house, he fished for the keys in his pocket. The streets were so silent at this hour, they gave ghost town vibes.

When he finally walked in the foyer, he kicked his Vans off, hating how hyperactive his brain got after his shifts at the venue. He was exhausted, but after dozing off on the train, he would lie wide awake on his bed for a long while. Thankfully, this had been the last time. And since he’d convinced Mom to spend the weekend at Sigrid’s, he wouldn’t have anyone waking him up early in the morning. She had protested, using the most ridiculous excuses, but she shouldn’t stop living her life because he was moving to the UK in a few days. More so when she was coming with him for the first two weeks.

“Rocket?” he called. That fur ball was always barking the moment his keys or Trine’s clinked a hundred meters from the house. “Are you sleeping?” he said as he approached the couch, concerned. “Jesus, tell me I didn’t leave the back door open and you ran away...” Noah strode to the end of the kitchen, already panicking, but the door was closed.

He was about to rush into his mom’s bedroom to check under the bed and inside the closet—that dog was like a cat sometimes—when Rocket walked out of his room, jogging toward him with his characteristic gait of small jumps and a crazy wagging tail.

“Don’t you ever give me a heart attack like that again.”

He crouched down to pet him, then followed him to the backyard to check the fence was locked—paranoia getting the best of him. He had taken Rocket for a walk before going to work, but there was no way they would go anywhere at this hour when he just wanted to hit the bed, so the garden would have to do until the next morning.

Noah left him to do his thing for a few minutes while he went to his room. Mindlessly unbuckling his belt and unzipping his jeans, he switched on the light. All the alarms set off in his mind as pain and anger paralyzed him.

“W-what the—”

“That Rocket boy is super sweet.” Kaj was lying on Noah’s bed like it was his own, legs crossed at the ankles. “Fierce little thing didn’t trust me at first, but we’ve been cuddling here for some time,” he said, tongue tangling at some of the syllables.

So much for a guardian dog. “What are you doing here?” Noah tossed his wallet and phone on the desk, putting on a fake mask of calmness to conceal the way his heart leaped in his chest.

“You wouldn’t reply to my texts or answer my calls. I’d bet my hands that you’ve blocked me.”

“What if I have?”

Kaj scoffed. “Coward.”

“Stop calling me that. I have nothing to say to you.” Noah crossed his arms, getting on the defensive when the drummer stood up.

“So, after everything, you’re going to fucking leave me again without even saying goodbye?” Kaj slurred. “Why didn’t you tell me about London?”

“Like you told me about Artificial Suicide?”

“I wasn’t allowed to say anything.”

Noah quirked an eyebrow. “We never talk, just fuck. Besides, it’s not like you actually care.”

Ice-blue eyes pinned on his.

“I owe you nothing,” Noah deadpanned.

Kaj let out a bitter chuckle. “I thought you had changed. That you’d become a real man, capable of being honest and admitting your mistakes.”

“You’re not one to talk about honesty, Larsen,” he gritted, fists clenching at his sides. “How the hell did you get in here?”

“Bathroom window was open.”

“What—you jumped over the fence and walked around the entire house searching for a way in?”

“Maybe.” Kaj lifted a shoulder.

“That’s fucking creepy.”

“I needed to talk to you, and you wouldn’t give me a chance.” He approached, confirming Noah’s suspicions about his inebriation when a distinctive alcohol-scented waft reached his nostrils.

What type of reasoning is that? “I don’t wanna talk to you.” Noah took a step to the side and motioned for the door. “This was just a sexual transaction, and now it’s over. Leave me the fuck alone.”

Instead of doing what he’d been asked, Kaj slammed the door closed and trapped Noah between it and his body. “You really gonna kick me out when it’s so fucking obvious you still love me?” He gripped the front of Noah’s tee, sliding a leg between his thighs.

Is he for real right now? “You’re so full of yourself.” Noah tried to shove him away in vain.

“You say this is over, but no matter how fast or how far you run, you’ll never get rid of me, S?rensen.” Kaj inched closer, and their breaths mingled. “You belong to me.”

“What are you—”

Kaj smashed their mouths together.

“Hmph!”

His tongue piercing clacked against Noah’s teeth as he forced himself into him, diverting his mind to the sharp sensation for a second while he slipped a hand into his trunks.

Noah shuddered, grabbing Kaj’s wrist. “Slow... Dow—unh!” Shit .

“You can say whatever you want”—he panted, pumping his dick—“but look at how you’re reacting to me .”

“Stop.”

Noah wrestled with Kaj, pressing a palm on his forehead to push his face away when he tried to kiss him again, tightening the grip on his arm to rein in the assault on his cock. But there was no use.

Manic, with pupils completely blown and a wrinkle between his brows, Kaj continued jerking him, squeezing his tip at the end of every upstroke with purpose.

As reason waged war against lust, Noah’s soul split in half. He didn’t want to do this. Not like this. Kaj was so out of himself it was scary. Even when he’d been angry or needed to take his frustration out on someone, he had never trespassed his boundaries. Never had ignored his words or his refusal to do something. Yet, at the same time... the despair in his eyes made Noah want to rip his chest open and offer this man everything he was. His secrets. His dreams. His fears. If annihilating every piece of him calmed the turmoil in his head, so be it.

Suddenly, Kaj yanked from his tee and brought him crashing down on the ground. Noah barely had time to react when his face hit the carpeted floor, and his jeans and boxers were pulled down to his thighs.

Noah tried to crawl away from Kaj, but he kneeled on the back of his legs, pinning him in place as he took off his own T-shirt.

“Let me go!” Noah twisted to glare at him.

With a blank yet lascivious expression, and not a single word, Kaj parted his asscheeks and spit on his hole.

“W-what are you doing?”

He was so dizzy after hitting his head, he didn’t know what was happening half of the time when Kaj started eating him out. He kissed, sucked, and lapped his crack over and over before he speared him with his tongue. Noah writhed beneath him, thrashing when he shoved two fingers into his ass.

“Fuck! Please, Kaj... Stop...”

As he fought the urge to buckle his hips, feeling every molecule in him buzzing, he recognized the sound of a bottle of lube being opened. His heart crashed against his ribs. This was fucking wrong. His body shouldn’t be enjoying the adrenaline rush. It shouldn’t crave to be brutally invaded and abused while wanting to escape. Kaj was hurting him, yet somewhere in the subconscious part of his mind, Noah believed he would never damage him beyond repair.

What the fuck is wrong with you? This is sexual assault!

“Don’t do it.” His voice, like his willpower, was weak. “I don’t wanna do it like this.”

Touching his forehead to his clenched fists on the floor when Kaj smeared the lube over his asshole, Noah gave in. Tears blurred his sight as he kept begging him to stop, but he wasn’t physically struggling anymore. The sooner it started, the sooner he’d be left alone with the miserable reality that nothing would save them.

He was preparing for what was about to come, certain Kaj would be ruthless tonight. But then, his hips were tugged up forcefully and an excruciating pain radiated from his ass toward his core, obliterating the ends of each one of his nerves when he rammed into him without warning.

“Fuck!” Noah wailed, not ready for that. While there had been some foreplay, it hadn’t been anywhere near enough. A few more tears rolled down, but he couldn’t help but notice how hard his erection grew. So thick it felt about to explode. “You’re hurting me.” He winced as Kaj grinded into him, making his cock twitch. “Fuck! Why are you doing this?”

“You know why.” A soothing palm caressed along his spine before Kaj seized his waist. “You want it. I need you to admit you do... You want me .”

“You know I do. I can’t fuck around with just anyone.” Noah clenched his jaw, the pain still not subsiding. He tried to move away, but Kaj’s grip tightened, so hard he was sure bruises were starting to form on his skin under his fingertips.

“You’re mine .” His voice cracked as he pulled out, leaving the swollen head of his dick inside Noah before he slammed into him again.

“Shit.”

“You’re mine. And. You. Will. Always. Be,” Kaj growled in time with his thrusts. “Say it.”

“Stop it. Fuck. Stop!” Noah cried out. He tried to reach for Kaj’s hand, as if touching him would snap him back to the real world, but the moment he lifted his arm, he was pushed forward and lost balance.

“Say it,” Kaj roared. “Say you’re mine.”

Noah squeezed his eyes shut, breathing raggedly into the carpet. His elbows burned as they rubbed on the rough fabric every time Kaj drilled into him, rearranging his guts. His cock began leaking and his heart was palpitating with such violence, Noah wasn’t sure he would survive this attack. “Oh, god... Fuck. I’m yours, I’m yours!” An irrepressible groan rumbled in his throat as Kaj drove over his prostate.

Behind him, Kaj shifted his position and propped on one foot. Then he reached for Noah’s wrists, locking them at the base of his spine as he continued battering his ass.

Sex with this man was never conservative or planned. Whenever they were together, the monsters they usually kept hidden in the dark unraveled in a beautiful display of unfiltered want. The kind that razed civilizations. They had no qualms in using each other to grasp that fleeting moment of ecstasy. It was always irrational and unhinged, but it’d never been so desperate.

Each plunge was greedier than the last, more violent. It was such a vicious act, Noah didn’t know who he was anymore. He rode the edge of pain and pure pleasure for so long he couldn’t tell them apart as he rushed toward an impending release. With worn-out muscles that were pleading for relief, he found himself rocking his hips back to meet Kaj in the middle of his frenzy. He wanted more. Needed more.

They were madness and utter anarchy. Insatiable hunger and tragedy. Two ravenous animals who had found a place where they didn’t need to keep check of their desires.

A place where the prying eyes of society couldn’t judge the depravity of what they craved.

A place where they could let go of all the restraints and be free.

“Come on...” Kaj coaxed, his voice an octave lower. “Come for me.”

Noah shuddered as Kaj’s thrusts slowed down slightly, becoming long, deliberate, and raided as he bent to stroke his aching dick, adding that little twist of his wrist that drove him crazy.

Just when he was about to fall, sensing the peak of his orgasm, Kaj began to fuck him harder again. The ferocity of his hips slapping against the back of Noah’s was blinding. So much so, he couldn’t repress it any longer. The most pornographic sounds ripped from their throats as they spiraled into sweet surrender. Noah was drooling when he ejaculated in pulses, shaking with the waves of pleasure scorching every cell in his body. And then, for the first time in his life, he felt the hot spill of semen inside of him.

Circling his waist with both arms, Kaj rutted his cum deep in Noah’s ass while biting and planting open-mouth kisses on his shoulder. The realization that he’d fucked him raw made him feel violated and dirty, but it still wasn’t enough for him to break. He wanted Kaj to skin him with his tongue and fuck him all over again. He needed to be completely owned.

When Kaj slid out, still trying to catch their breaths, they let themselves fall on the floor covered in sweat. Noah felt dirty like never before, with cum dribbling out of him and his jeans still around his thighs. But he couldn’t move to pretend he was a respectable human being right now. Everything in his body hurt, from his strained shoulders, to the rash on his elbows, to the purple marks already painting his waist and hips, to his ass.

As he floated in this cloud of sickly sweetness, Kaj brushed away the wet locks stuck to his face. And that was when Noah saw it. Like a flash, a wave of the most harrowing agony flickered in his eyes.

“What is it?” he asked, touching his hand that was now grazing his collarbone. “Tell me... I’ll do anything for you.”

Kaj froze. “Even if I told you... there’s nothing you can do about it.”

“Kaj...”

He winced. “Don’t.” Shaking his head, he reached for Noah’s neck and brought their lips together in a lingering kiss that tasted like a last goodbye. “I’m sorry.”

At that moment, with their foreheads touching and their bare souls exposed, Noah broke into tears. He belonged to Kaj, always had, and always would. But he would never be entirely his. It was obvious in the emotional distance he kept. In the emptiness of his beautiful gaze. In the invisible scars that were impossible to hide. Kaj was broken and wanted him to know, but he wasn’t ready to let him in again.

They were drowning in the things they never said. And while Noah still loved him, while the sole idea of separating from him physically hurt, he couldn’t stay to see him annihilate whatever good memories were left of them.

“Me too.”

After that, they re-dressed in silence and Kaj walked out of the house, leaving Noah behind with an irreparable heart.

They never saw each other again.

Until they did, eight years later.