In Every Universe

23. Zacky

TWENTY-THREE

ZACKY

“Zack, from what Coach Hoffman said in his brief before this press conference, you’re missing a significant chunk of memory,” a beat reporter from Hockey News said, holding her phone out to record his answer. He and Cameron were miked up and seated at a table, and Zacky was grateful for the barrier. “How have you been coping with that?”

“Yeah. I’m missing about three years. I don’t remember playing in the NHL. Apparently, we won a Stanley Cup. Would have liked to remember that,” he said, the reporters in the room politely laughing at his bad joke. “It’s been hard, to be honest. Cam has been my brain, and I’ve been trying to download memories from him. The guys have been nice about it. Really welcoming. The medical team has been great. Shout out to my neurologist.”

“You and Vesper are roommates. Is that correct?” a different reporter asked.

“Yeah, and thank God, because I woke up the morning after I hit my head and had no idea where I was. I don’t know what I would have done if I’d woken up and found Eddie in the kitchen.” More polite laughter.

“Cameron, can you talk about how you’ve been supporting Zack through this?”

“A lot of it has been normal concussion stuff. If you play hockey, you’ve either dealt with your own concussion or someone else’s, so nothing new there. Having a friendship that existed for a while before his memory loss has been pretty helpful. We have so much shared history that there was already trust there when he woke up. Plus, in the past three years, we’ve gotten into The Bachelor , so now we’re watching it again. Him for the first time, obviously. You know, the important stuff.”

“Zack, we’ve seen you on the ice after practices the past few weeks. You lost three years of memories. Are you going to be up to speed when you step back out there?”

“I’m not quite there yet. Getting back on skates was like breathing. And while I don’t remember the last three years, I’ve been in hockey shape for that whole time. I’m still learning new systems. I’ll have a conditioning stint back in Allen to soften the blow. I’m optimistic.”

“Does having an injury that profound change the way you think about hockey and your place in it?”

Of course it did. “No,” Zacky lied. “I’m going to bring my full self every night. And when I can’t do that anymore, then it’s time to move on. I’m hoping I still have years left in the tank.”

“Did you ever consider not sharing this information? It seems like a weakness that could be exploited.”

“I considered every way to approach this. I’m going with honesty and hoping for the best.”

“Thank you, Zack.”

When they got back to Texas, Cameron went to practice, and Zacky got in his car to head to Allen. It could be worse. Zacky was grateful that going back to Allen was going back to something he remembered. There was turnover in staff, and of course turnover in players, but he recognized a few guys on the team from three years ago. The assistant coach was new but the head coach, Jack Carillon, was there when Zacky was there and met him at the rink when he arrived.

Zacky had a few practices with the YellowJackets under his belt, and the Allen Killer Bees used the same system. He recognized Desmond Jarry, the goalie who was on the cusp of making the big league but still bounced back and forth quite a bit, and the captain, Timmy Grimalkin, who had an AHL-only contract and would likely retire within a couple seasons.

“Good to have you back, Porter,” Grim told him, modeling friendliness. The rest of the team had been cautious with him. The way people talked to him thinking he just had a concussion versus knowing he had a profound level of memory loss was a full one-eighty. Concussions were a known quantity. What Zacky had going on was…not.

It was easier on the ice. He had one practice with the Killer Bees, one night in a hotel room, and one morning skate before he was under arena lights. There were a few folks at the glass with signs for him during warmups. One had a drawing of him lifting the Stanley Cup. Another had a drawing of a brain. One requested a trade of a puck for some candy. He obliged the trade.

He had noticeable rust to shake off, but he was on the third line instead of the fourth like he would be when he was back with the YellowJackets, and that gave him confidence.

At the end of the day, it was hockey. He held his own, caught passes, took feedback, and didn’t turn over a single puck. He wasn’t going to start lighting the lamp right out of the gate. The Bees won, but they were playing Arizona, who were at the bottom of the league. Still, when he got back to his hotel room and FaceTimed Cameron, he acted like Zacky was Wayne fucking Gretzky.

“I told you that you had this. You’re going to be back on our line in no time. I’m so fucking excited to play with you again. How did it feel out there?” Cameron’s face looked happy so easily. Neutral emotions could make him look super stoked. When he was happy, he glowed.

“It felt…good. Everything right now is weird. Practice was weird. The guys didn’t know what to do with me. But on the ice, well, there is nothing more normal than hockey. Hockey is the same. It was good to play at that level again.” Zacky stretched out on his hotel bed. He’d been there for over twenty-four hours and his hotel room was already a disaster. When he was traveling for hockey, he tried to keep shit under wraps, but he’d be here for a while. He tried to figure out a way to ask Cameron about his dad without bringing up a single bad feeling.

It was probably impossible. He gritted his teeth and went for it.

“Can I ask about your dad?”

Cameron groaned and flopped back against his headboard. He closed his eyes, but kept his phone trained on his face. “There’s been a lot of guilt-tripping. I want to tell him to take all his feelings and write them down in a journal instead of bothering me with them. But you know how well that would go over. I haven’t been answering his voicemails lately, and now I’m getting texts from my mom about how what I’m doing is hurting my dad.”

“Your parents are…”

“Boomers,” Cameron confirmed. His parents were older than Zacky’s Gen X parents, but they’d started their family long before their oopsie baby.

“That is the situation, isn’t it?”

“I told her that his feedback is counterproductive, and I need to listen to my coach, but I have a lifetime of that strategy under my belt, and it’s never worked.”

“Maybe you should block his number.”

“He would have the world’s largest meltdown.”

“Gotta do something, or this will go on forever.”

“Every time they do something like this, it’s a reminder of how bad I’d fuck up my own kids.”

“Baby, you would be a great dad. Because you’re self-aware. Because you know the importance of boundaries. Because you don’t want to turn out like them.”

“Because I wouldn’t put my kids in sports. My kids can be little nerds. I’m buying them…what does Marshall play? The card game?”

“Magic.”

“Yeah. I’m buying them Yu-Gi-Oh! cards.”

“Okay. We’ll buy them Pokémon cards,” Zacky agreed. Warmth spread across Cameron’s face. He hoped it was because they were talking about their kids.

“You’d be okay with that? If our kids didn’t play hockey?”

“If they play hockey, they can play casually.” They were both grateful for where they’d ended up, but no one got to the NHL without having Hockey Parents. Zacky didn’t want to be that. He wanted to give his kids balance. And so did Cameron.

“You’re really set on kids?”

“I’m really set on you. And I’d like kids. But if you never get there, my brothers will have kids. Your brother is about to have a kid. Our life will still be good.”

“Zacky,” Cameron said, sniffling and pausing to catch his breath, “are you going to stay with me forever?”

Sometimes Cameron said the rawest shit. Tears were welling up in Cameron’s eyes. “I hate that we are having this conversation so far away from each other.”

“What would you do if we were together?”

“I’d probably sit on your dick about it.”

Cameron spat out a laugh, the misty eyes he’d had a moment before gone.

Zacky lowered his voice, serious now. “Cam, you’re my person. I quit hockey for you. I’d do anything for you.”

“I’d do anything for you,” Cameron returned. “I love you.”

“I love you too, baby. I’m going to be back on the ice with you and the boys literally so soon.”

“I can’t wait.”