In Italy for Love

Chapter 32

32

Blood rushed loudly in Alex’s ears, filling in the silence when everyone had left. He wanted to take Jules by the shoulders and shake her and tell her that everything her ex had said reflected on Luca and not her.

But he could see how deeply the words had affected her – how she panicked at the prospect of being dependent on anyone else.

His gaze snagged on the envelopes on the floor and he forced himself forward to retrieve them and place them on the table with more gentleness than he’d thought he could muster. Lowering himself heavily into the chair opposite her, he lifted his gaze to hers.

‘Are you going to open them?’

She picked one up, but just held it in her limp hand. ‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered.

‘None of that was your fault.’

Her grimace was eloquent. ‘I can’t believe I moved to Italy for him .’

He swallowed, his fingertips brushing the other envelope. ‘You can go home now, though.’

When her gaze flew to his, it was unexpectedly haunted. ‘Yeah. I won’t have to scrounge off you any longer.’

‘Jules,’ he began sharply, ‘Luca was aiming to hurt you. You earned your way – both with him and with us.’

‘With you?’ she asked quietly.

Smothered in indignation and frustration, the right words refused to come and he opened his mouth stupidly. What could he say? Yes, she’d more than earned her keep – but not the way Luca had sneeringly suggested. Or no, she hadn’t earned anything. She didn’t need to earn anything. It was a minefield he didn’t have the focus to cross. There was too much adrenaline still pumping in his veins.

‘I wish I’d punched him!’ he blurted out, resting his forehead on the heel of his hand when he couldn’t seem to hold himself up any more. ‘Damn it, Jules! I hate that he hurt you! I hate that you listen to him!’

She dropped the envelope to clutch his forearm with both of her hands. ‘I’m glad you didn’t hit him. He’s not worth getting upset about. I’m trying not to let his words sink in.’

He turned his arm over and grasped hers tightly. ‘Try harder.’ If Luca hadn’t destroyed her confidence, maybe she would have had some bravery left to stay – here, with him.

She opened her mouth, hesitating and licking her lips before she said softly, tentatively, ‘I’d rather listen to you.’

And I’m asking you not to go …

His breath was tight, words he wasn’t ready to say pulling at their restraints. He almost asked her. He almost told her he didn’t know what he’d do without her. But that wouldn’t be fair. He couldn’t manipulate her into loving him when he didn’t know if he could ever love her back the way he’d loved Laura.

She’d lost so much because she’d been brave and tried to love someone. He couldn’t ask her to do it again.

Letting his eyes drift shut, he released a long breath and leaned over the table to be closer to her. She met him in the middle, her cheek against his forehead.

‘I wish your passports had got lost in the post,’ he murmured – true, but far too shallow for what was inside him. Her fingers drifted into his hair and he finally allowed himself to be soothed, even though part of him didn’t want to be.

‘You know the post doesn’t come on the weekend.’ He felt her smile against his skin.

‘It doesn’t. Nothing ever arrives on a Sunday.’

Her hand slipped to the back of his neck. ‘The post will arrive tomorrow. Nothing came today. Sundays are for other things entirely.’

He turned his head and grazed his lips against her jaw. ‘Kissing – yes. Never post.’

‘Definitely for kissing.’ Her words were more breath than voice and he grasped at the chance to show her how much he felt, even though it could never be enough.

When he came closer the pull between them was different, as though she understood his turmoil – or were experiencing her own. She sucked in one last breath before their mouths met, a little desperate.

‘I hope you’re not thinking about him,’ he said gruffly as he hauled her to her feet, wrapping an arm around her as they stumbled into the hallway in the direction of his room.

‘I’m not,’ she reassured him between kisses. ‘You’re a much better mistake than he ever was.’

Her words tugged at him even as he tumbled onto the bed with her and soaked up her fragrant skin and soft body.

‘You’re not a mistake to me,’ he said firmly. ‘You’re a page in my book – one I want to bookmark and return to over and over again.’

She peeled his shirt off, her hands and her lips eager and busy as always. ‘Just stay on the page with me for a minute, Alex. We don’t have to turn it yet.’

Although Jules tried her hardest to ignore the envelopes, her gaze seemed to fall on them every five minutes as she stirred the polenta for dinner. It disturbed her how much she wanted to sneak them into the bin, but a small, panicky part of her also insisted she needed to take control of her life again. Alex was not Luca, but she had fallen into a familiar pattern of relying on him.

‘How about you open them.’

She glanced up to find him studying her gravely. ‘I suppose I should.’

‘Is it difficult to book flights to Australia? The farthest I’ve ever been is Turkey.’

Do you want to visit Australia?

‘It’s a really long flight, isn’t it?’ he prompted.

‘It’s awful,’ she agreed distractedly as she slipped her finger under the seal and pulled out her red Italian passport, stroking her thumb over the gold embossed star and wreath.

‘All official now,’ Alex said, pressing a kiss to her cheek. She caught his quick smile that might have been half-hearted. ‘Julia Volpe of the Calabrian Volpes.’

‘After all of Berengario’s comments, I kind of feel like a Furlan Volpe.’

‘You can visit, you know.’ That comment was definitely half-hearted and she didn’t want to ask herself why.

‘Maybe I will. That’s part of the reason I wanted to make sure I had the passport – so nothing would stop me coming back.’ Or you could ask me to stay…

After checking over her passports, she grasped the power of attorney forms – although ‘grasped’ was the wrong word for the flood of Italian legalese she had no hope of understanding. Her hair stood on end when she remembered how close she’d come to signing it without thought.

‘I can help you with that,’ Alex offered from his position at the stove.

‘You already did,’ she said weakly. ‘You asked me if I trust him and the answer is no. Maybe I’ll have to take out a loan and fly back for the sale. Unless…’ She glanced up at him and quickly back down. No, she couldn’t ask him that.

‘Hmm?’

‘I’ll find a way,’ she said with a sigh.

After dinner, she opened up her laptop and started looking at flights while Alex sat across the table with a book he didn’t seem to be paying much attention to. But he’d taken out his contacts and he always looked hot in his glasses.

The quoted amount for last-minute flights was far more than she’d feared – twice the credit limit on her card – and she chewed on her lip as she imagined coaching her parents through an international transfer and then finding a way to pay them back. Then she clicked through the information about transportation of pets, panic rising the more she researched.

‘Oh, shit!’ she said under her breath.

Alex wrenched his gaze up. ‘What?’

‘I can’t go. Oh, God, I’m an idiot.’ She was even more of an idiot for the shot of hope that rushed through her at the prospect of more time here – with Alex.

‘You can’t go?’

She froze, her heart squeezing. The longer she stayed, the longer she was a burden on Alex and the others. ‘I thought transporting Arco would be expensive,’ she began, her voice high, ‘but I didn’t realise it required blood tests and vet certificates and all kinds of stuff! Australia has really strict requirements for animals entering the country.’

‘Okay, what does he need? Immunisation?’

She tried to tell herself that Alex was just being helpful and not a little too keen for her to leave, but the idea took root anyway.

‘The whole process takes six months. I’m such an idiot. What am I supposed to do?’ Her heart sank, torn between the idea of staying for another six months, but horrified by the thought of making her own way for another half a year here.

‘Shh,’ Alex said, snatching her waving hand and placing it gently back on to the table. ‘You’ve had a lot on your mind. It’s not your fault and it’s something we can find a solution to.’

‘I can’t just stay with you for six months, Alex.’

He gave an odd grimace and half a shrug that confirmed her suspicion. ‘Perhaps not, but Arco can.’

‘What? Leave him here?’

‘Dr Orsino will know what to do with the tests and immunisations and I can pack him up and get him on a plane to you when the time comes.’

She shook her head. ‘Alex, I can’t ask?—’

‘You’re not asking. I’m offering. Arco is already settled here. He knows me and to be honest, I won’t mind the reminder of you to hang on to a little longer.’

His words were a punch to the gut. Still reeling from seeing Luca, from being forced to confront her future and all the secret desires those things had uncovered – and now the enormous oversight of forgetting to prepare to get Arco out of the country with her – she couldn’t contain all the hurt she could already feel when she thought about Alex letting her go.

‘You’d rather have Arco as a reminder than me here right now,’ she accused, hating the bitterness in her voice. His brow furrowed in confusion and she realised she hadn’t explained herself very well. ‘That’s what you do, isn’t it?’

The bitterness dissolved slowly into bleak acceptance.

‘You hang on to things that have gone,’ she continued. ‘If I weren’t leaving, you wouldn’t know what to do about this between us – you wouldn’t know how to let yourself be happy! I’m not blaming you,’ she said in a rush when he opened his mouth to defend himself – although he looked wobbly and his chest heaved. ‘You’ve lived through a real trauma and I think you’re dealing with it however you can. But you don’t know how to do anything else.’

‘I tried to explain?—’

She nodded slowly. ‘I see that now. We were only ever together because I’m leaving and it didn’t count as moving on – because you can’t let yourself move on. You’re the ghost in this house.’

His sigh was long and shaky. ‘Maybe I am.’

‘I understand,’ she mumbled. ‘You’d rather be a ghost than let her go.’

He shook his head. ‘If I let her go, I don’t know what I’ll find. I’m a ghost anyway.’

She wanted to argue, but she knew there wasn’t any point. ‘You’ve been pretty real to me.’

Tugging off his glasses, he peered at her from beneath his brows. ‘Leave Arco with me.’

‘Another woman who leaves you with her pet?’ She laughed darkly.

‘I’ll enjoy having him. I’ll take him into the forest every day. It’ll do both of us good.’ He paused before adding, ‘The way you did me good.’

Her eyes fell shut, a sting starting up behind her eyelids. ‘Alex,’ she began, her voice threatening to break, ‘if I leave him with you, it won’t be hanging on – not for me.’

‘Hmm?’

‘It would be an excuse to stay in touch – into the future, not hanging on to the past. I might start hoping.’

As she expected, he looked stricken at the prospect of allowing her to develop false hope – or keeping in touch. She wasn’t sure which, but her thoughts wound back to that first night when they’d agreed not to exchange numbers. So much had changed and yet nothing had.

‘Maybe Maddalena could look after him – or Berengario,’ she muttered.

He swallowed thickly. ‘I’ll look after him, Jules. I want to.’

‘He’ll miss you afterwards,’ she said, suspecting he saw through her statement to the truth: I’ll miss you – so badly .

‘I think that damage is already done.’