Insatiable (Inferno Games #3)

14. How Many Times Can One Person Break Before They Shatter?

14

HOW MANY TIMES CAN ONE PERSON brEAK BEFORE THEY SHATTER?

JULIETTE

W hen my eyes flutter open, the world is a blur of white and sterile smells. My head throbs with a dull ache, and for a moment, I can’t remember where I am or why I’m here. The beeping of machines and the sterile scent of antiseptics slowly bring me back to reality. I’m in a hospital. Hell’s hospital, no doubt. I shift slightly, my body protesting with every movement.

That’s when I see him. Tomas is slumped in an uncomfortable-looking chair beside my bed, his head resting on his chest. He looks exhausted, dark circles under his eyes, his usually neat hair disheveled. He’s here. He stayed.

I can’t remember the last time I saw him look so vulnerable. My heart clenches with a confusing mix of emotions—anger, hurt, relief, and something dangerously close to affection. Damn him for once again making me care.

I try to speak, but my throat is dry and only a raspy whisper escapes. “Tomas…”

His eyes snap open, and for a moment, he looks disoriented. Then his gaze locks onto mine, and relief floods his features. He’s on his feet in an instant, moving to my side, his hand reaching out to gently brush a strand of hair from my face.

“Juliette,” he breathes, his voice thick with emotion. “Thank God, you’re awake. I was so scared…”

I want to be angry, to push him away and demand why he cares now after everything we’ve been through. But the words die in my throat when I see the genuine concern in his eyes.

“You… you stayed?” I manage to croak out. He nods and gives me a small smile.

The exhaustion tugs at me, but I fight to stay awake a little longer. “Tomas,” I whisper, my voice weak. “What happened? How did I end up here?”

He takes a deep breath, his face growing somber. “You were poisoned during the second trial. The doctors weren’t sure if you’d make it. You’ve been in a coma for two days.”

Poisoned. The memory hits me like a freight train. The Earthery, the food, the trial… everything comes rushing back in a chaotic whirl. “The others… are they okay?”

“Rowena’s still unconscious,” Tomas says softly, his brow furrowing with worry. “But Dade and the others are holding on. It’s been rough on everyone.”

A pang of pain twists in my chest as I look down the row of beds and see Ro on the very end, her eyes closed. I’m not sure if I’m hallucinating, but Felix appears to be holding her hand.

“Tomas. Is Felix really over there by Ro, or am I imagining it?”

Tomas twists his head to look behind him, scanning the room. “He’s not left her bedside since you all came in.”

Tears spring to my eyes, surprising me. I try to blink them away, but they spill over, trailing down my cheeks. I never fucking cry. What is it with this place that’s turned me into a fucking faucet? Probably lack of food. It’s enough to turn anyone into a pathetic crybaby.

“Why are you crying? Are you in pain?” Tomas’s voice is filled with concern as he reaches out, brushing a tear away with his thumb. It’s a sweet gesture that stirs my soul and brings me more comfort than I want to admit to myself.

“No.” My eyes turn to the end bed again. Felix is the biggest asshole I know and yet right now, I can see the pain in his eyes. He really does care. It’s sobering, and strangely saddening too, though I don’t know why?

I close my eyes and try to parse my thoughts together. I’m sad because it’s clear that Felix really does care about Ro. Anthura must have absolutely balled him out, threatened him, no doubt, too, but he stayed anyway. He put all of his prejudices aside and changed. Like really changed. He’s not the same man that came into Hell and that’s all because of Ro.

But none of that changes the fact he was sleeping with underage girls, causing Quinn’s sister to kill herself. He was a monster in life. Is sitting by the bedside of a woman that he’s obviously fallen in love with an excuse to forgive him his previous sins? Sins that were so awful, so insurmountable, that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive him.

“I need to talk to him,” I whisper, trying to pull myself out of bed.

Tomas stops me, his hands firm on my shoulders. “Not right now, you don’t. You’ve only just woken up from a coma. You need to see a doctor.”

I want to argue that the demon hell doctors don’t give a shit, but I’m so exhausted with my failed attempt to get out of bed that I let him leave to find one. As I lie back, I turn my gaze back to Felix and Ro. The sight of him by her side stirs something deep within me, a mix of anger and sorrow.

It suddenly hits me why I feel sadness on a different level than just having my best friend in a coma. Maybe Felix is a changed man. Maybe Ro’s love has made him a different person than he used to be. And as he was the lowest of the low, that’s a massive turnaround.

Tomas, on the other hand, was always attentive. If I’d have been in hospital back when we were both alive, he’d have been at my bedside, holding my hand. Except he’d have been texting one of his other women the whole time. Every part of my relationship with Tomas was a lie, and I’ve been pulled back into the lies one time too many.

Maybe Felix is capable of change, but Tomas most definitely isn’t. And the sad thing is, if he is capable of change, he’s told way too many lies for me to believe him ever again.

The weight of my realizations bears down on me, making it hard to breathe. Sure enough, I see Tomas discretely slipping his Hell Cell back into his pocket as he returns with a doctor.

“She’s awake so she’ll probably survive,” The doctor says nonchalantly while barely bothering to look at me.

“Did you hear that Jules?” Tomas says, excitedly. “You’re gonna be alright.”

I nod and close my eyes. I’m tired but the truth is, I don’t want to look at him right now. Knowing that his concern is probably just an act and he’ll be out the door and fucking Tate the second I close my eyes again has me wishing him gone.

“Rest now,” he murmurs, pressing a gentle kiss to my forehead. “You need your strength.”

As sleep begins to pull me under, I cling to the warmth of his embrace, to the steady rhythm of his heartbeat. For the first time in what feels like forever, a flicker of peace settles inside me. And I really fricking hate that I feel it.

My eyes flutter open, a fragile hope swelling in my chest that maybe—just maybe—he’s changed. I watch him as he walks away through the hospital ward door. But my heart clenches painfully when I catch a glimpse of silvery blonde hair. I blink, and just like that, it’s gone. Was Tate waiting for him outside, or am I just losing my mind?

The problem is, I’ll never know for sure, and I can’t expect Tomas to tell me the truth.

Sleep takes me away for hours, and when I wake up, it’s not Tomas by my bedside, but Quinn. I wave off the disappointment and give her a weak smile. “It’s good to see you,” I murmur. My throat is dry, but I know there’s no point asking for water. Just like everything else, I’ll have to suck it up.

"You have no idea how good it is to see you too." Tears make Quinn's eyes glisten, but she's smiling.

I hazard a glance toward the bed at the far end of the room. Rowena is still there. So is Felix. Quinn follows my gaze, her expression tightening.

“He hasn’t left her side once.”

“Maybe he’s changed?” I suggest.

“Or maybe he’s just watching over his assets,” she snaps, her voice laced with bitterness.

I raise an eyebrow, waiting for her to elaborate.

“That’s his baby she’s carrying. Let’s not pretend he gives a shit about Rowena,” Quinn says, folding her arms. “His heir is more important.”

“He’s holding her hand,” I point out softly.

“Yeah,” she scoffs. “Like a leash.” Quinn sighs and shakes her head. “Maybe he’s trying to convince himself that he’s capable of caring. But people like him don’t change, Juliette. They just pretend to.”

I look back at Felix and Ro, my heart heavy. I was telling myself the very same thing just a few hours ago about Tomas.

As I lay back, exhaustion pulling at me again, I can’t help but wonder if there’s any hope for redemption in this hellish place. For Felix. For Tomas. For any of us.

“Are any of us really capable of change, Quinn? These games were always about redemption, but we’ve played by the rules and nothing has changed. It’s just getting harder and harder.”

Quinn looks down. “I don’t know if Tomas told you, but everyone who ate the food is out of the games.”

I feel a lump form in my throat. “Out of the games? What does that mean?”

“I’m sorry.” Her voice trembles with frustration and sorrow. “It means you’re stuck here in Gluttony forever.”

My entire world shatters. I shake my head vehemently and try to sit up before a bolt of nausea hits me causing me to lie back down. “No! I can’t stay here. This can’t be happening.”

Quinn reaches out for me but I pull my arm from her reach. It’s not her fault and I know I’m shooting the messenger, but I can’t deal with this. Quinn is fine. She didn’t eat the food. Felix is fine. The slimy bastard wormed his way through again. Maybe his waiting at Ro’s bedside is guilt and nothing to do with love. I close my eyes. Tomas is going to go through... without me. I open my eyes and stare at Quinn. “Did Tate get through?”

She raises an eyebrow. “Does it matter?”

“Yes it fucking matters!” I snap.

“The people that got through the second trial don’t automatically go through to the next circle. There’s still the third trial,” she reminds me. Sounds like I already know the answer. Fuck!

I feel my nails digging into my palms. “She’ll get through and so will Tomas. I know they will.” And they’ll be fucking like bunnies, laughing at sad, pathetic old Juliette. Double fucking fuckity fuck.

Quinn gives me the saddest sort of look which does nothing to make me feel better. I don’t want sympathy. “I’ll say it again. Does it really matter?”

“No!” I reply, way too quickly. “The pair of them can both go to Hell.”

And for the very first time, I understand what that really means. Hell has never really felt like the obscure fiery pit that I learned about growing up. It wasn’t even that bad before now. Sure we’ve all had trials and it’s not been plain sailing, but I’ve had my friends beside me, good food and hot men to entertain me. Now, in the worst possible circle, it’s all been pulled out from under me. No food, my friends are leaving, and the only man I ever loved is going to go on to the next circle with the latest in his very long line of morally bankrupt whores. It matters. It matters more than anything has ever mattered because, despite all our history, I thought Tomas might have changed. I really fucking hate myself for even contemplating it because I’ve spent most of my existence hoping he might change, and I’ve let myself in for disappointment every single time.

I lie back, feeling the crushing weight of my own foolishness. How many times can a person be shattered before there's nothing left to break? The exhaustion tugs at me, but the turmoil inside keeps sleep at bay.

“I can’t do this,” I admit. “I’m not strong enough. I can’t stay here… without you, without Tomas… without everyone I know.”

Quinn has tears in her eyes as she grips my hand. “Ro is still here.”

I look over to the bed at the end where Ro is still asleep. Felix’s head is resting on the bed, his hand draped over her legs. His eyes are closed and I think he’s asleep. He looks so peaceful. So innocent.

Quinn catches my eye line.

"Why is it," I start, my voice tight with frustration, "that men can do whatever they want? Lie, cheat, hurt the people they claim to love, destroy lives—and still come out looking like saints?" I nod towards Felix, sprawled out in peaceful sleep. "Look at him. He looks like butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth. Part of me almost wants to get out of bed and comfort him."

Quinn draws in a deep breath, her gaze flicking to Felix. "I get the feeling he’s in his own kind of hell."

“If he is, it’s of his own making,” I snap, bitterness creeping into my voice. “I always wondered about him. After everything he did to your sister, why is he here? Why did he end up in Purgatory? He should’ve ended up in a much lower circle."

Quinn’s jaw tightens, her eyes darkening with unresolved pain. "I've wondered that since the moment I got here. Jenny’s dead because of him. It’s something I’ll never forgive him for, but… the circles don’t lie. We all end up where we’re supposed to be.”

My stomach twists at her words, my anger flaring again. “Tomas and his bitch entered the games from a circle they weren’t even supposed to be in. I wouldn’t put too much stock in these ‘rules’ about where we're meant to be.”

Quinn stays quiet for a moment, her gaze drifting back to Felix, still asleep beside Ro. “Maybe he told the truth about Jenny,” she murmurs. "Maybe he really didn’t know her at all, and Jenny made it up."

I scoff, unable to believe it. "You had a photo of them together. Don’t let the fact he looks like a sleeping angel make you doubt yourself.”

She bites her lip, her voice shaking as she replies, “I don’t want to change my mind. But if Jenny lied about Felix, the only reason left for why she killed herself is… because of me.”

The weight of her confession presses down on me, my chest tight with empathy. “You should have gone to heaven,” I remind her quietly. "If your sister killed herself because of something you did, you would have automatically come into hell, not begged to be let in."

Tears gather in her eyes as she whispers, “I didn’t have time for her. I was working all the time, trying to keep us afloat, but I didn’t bring in much money. We lived in shitholes. Her whole life was nothing but loss after our parents died. I failed her.”

I shake my head, my heart breaking for her. “You lived for her. You died for her. And now, in these twisted games, you’re risking everything for her. If you ever did anything wrong in life, which I doubt, you’ve more than made up for it in death.”

Quinn wipes at her eyes, her voice barely audible. “And if I don’t get to her, then it’s all been for nothing.”

“No.” I shake my head firmly. "It’s never for nothing if you try. You’re still in the games, Quinn. Go and do what the rest of us can’t—get out of this place.”

She lets out a shaky laugh, her eyes filled with a mix of hope and despair. “I only wish it was that easy.”