It’s Always Us (Abandoned Brothers #3)

Chapter 5

MARK

I toss my duffle bag on the bed, checking my phone. Again. I gave her every minute I could until I had to catch my chartered flight to Vegas. There are approximately twenty-four hours left, and this time tomorrow, I’ll be on the field, and she’ll be married . . . to someone else.

I stare at the small, stocked refrigerator against the wall. The tiny bottles inside call to me, promising to help me forget. There was only a short time in my life when I indulged before Shane and Sean showed up and literally kicked my ass sober.

The feelings that led me to the bottle back then are far too familiar all over again.

I force my feet to the window, smart enough to know one binge would never be enough. My vow to never turn into them is stronger than my desire to numb the pain momentarily.

My eyes trace over the city below. All the glittering signs offer relief. A million things at my fingertips that, with one phone call and some cash, I could bury the pain in . . . at least for a while. I contemplate it, sorting through a list of options, wanting something, anything, to make it better. But reality voices its strict-ass opinion, and I know when it’s over, that feeling of my heart being gutted from my body with a dull blade will still be there.

I pull the blackout shades closed to hide the sun and strip below. I fall on the bed, unable to bear the stabbing pain in my chest that comes with knowing it’s over. What was I thinking? I know what I thought. I thought I would walk back in there, and she’d remember, but Shane and Sean are right . It’s been too long, and everything has changed.

I place a hand on my chest, needing the pain and tightness to ease. Somehow, I have to play the game tomorrow, and not only that, I have to win.

I roll on my side, hoping it will help, but all I see is her light blue eyes. They were empty—all the soft, quiet joy and determination was gone. I don’t know what caused it, but I likely just made it worse.

My phone buzzes, and I snatch it up, my small sliver of hope instantly going up in smoke.

SEAN: You all right, bro?

I already told Shane and Sean what happened, so I’m not responding. I called them late last night after I drove around for an hour, seeking some kind of resolve that never came. The last thing I need to hear is their ‘I told you so’ disguised as sympathy.

I close my eyes, wanting sleep to envelop me and ease the excruciating reality that Lex will never again be mine.

Shit. Maybe she was never mine at all.

I try to calm my body and mind, but my phone buzzes again. My team management ensuring I’m here and set for tomorrow’s game. Another reason I need sleep. I have to be one hundred percent focused, and after not sleeping last night, I need it now.

I tap on an app, and the soft sound of rain fills the dark space around me. I close my eyes, swallowing the blaze creeping up my throat, and try to shut down the slow-burning ache of wanting something that never was.

Another fist hits me square in the chest as I force myself to face reality. Everything I’ve held on to, the hope of what might be again, is gone. What I thought Lex and I had was just some figment of my imagination. It was all me. One-sided. I clung to her when I had nothing and no one else. The one person who I thought truly loved me.

I don’t know how long I lay there, lost in the fake rainstorm when my phone vibrates next to me.

Every part of me needs to close it in a drawer and forget about it until the morning, but the destructive part requires proof that it’s not Lex .

SHANE: You’re going to be ok. Focus on the game tomorrow. It’s what gets us through.

I want to throw my phone against the wall and watch it break into a million pieces. Hope. That’s what got me through. Hope that somehow I’d have Lex, but she told me there’s nothing left.

Done with it all, I power off my phone and toss it somewhere on the bed. I curl into a ball and try to find sleep so I can at least be great at the only thing I have left.

______

I open my eyes to a pitch-black room, trying to remember where I am. It only takes a second for it all to return like a nightmare I still need to wake from. I stretch my stiff body and pat around on the bed, hunting for my phone to check the time.

When my fingers locate the slick metal device, I power it back on and wait for the incoming load of messages I’ve missed, except for the only one I still want.

It’s ten ’til six, and I should eat dinner. I quickly scroll, making sure I don’t miss anything important. Ha. Important. That word has a whole new meaning. Alerts about recent emails and reminders pop up. Then, social media notifications fill my screen. I have messages from a couple of the guys about the game tomorrow. And then Maggie, the sister I’ve always wanted.

Shane married Maggie under unusual circumstances and then fell madly in love with her. Now, Sean is building a family with Andie and her son. The two of them have everything I want, and it’s a fist to my windpipe.

MAGGIE: Let us know you’re ok. Please, for me.

Another knife to the gut.

ME: I’m good. Sleeping. Preparing for tomorrow .

I toss my phone to the side and rub my eyes, needing calories and to hydrate, but food is the last thing I want. I have tape I should be watching and plays I should be visualizing, but all I can do is lie here, dreading everything that comes next.

Closing my eyes and letting the darkness settle around me again, I hear my phone buzz. I ignore it. It buzzes again.

Dammit! Why won’t everyone leave me alone?

I search for my phone and tap the screen, lighting it up.

UNKNOWN: Where r u?

UNKNOWN: Exactly

I sit up so fast warm blood rushes through my head, and I see stars. The messages were sent an hour ago. It can’t possibly be, can it? I stare at my phone in shock, my heart racing with disbelief. My fingers shake as I try to figure out how to reply. I keep it simple, praying it’s her.

ME: Who is this?

I wait for the three dots, but nothing, and then after ten minutes, they still don’t appear. A hundred hours later, a relief so great washes over me that it brings tears to my eyes.

UNKNOWN: Alex

UNKNOWN: Here.

My head spins around my pitch-black room as if somehow she’s actually here. Shit. My phone buzzes in my hand.

UNKNOWN: Vegas

I push off the bed and onto my feet, trying not to fall over while I get a clue as to what to do.

She’s here. Lex is here. How? Why? Shit!

I don’t care. She’s here and not there. She’s not there with that suit-wearing . . .

I quickly text her where I’m staying and my room number. Luckily, team security is still with the team in New York, or this would be a whole lot more complicated. I turn on a light and survey my room, realizing all I can do is wait.

So that’s what I do. I wait and watch my phone for every minute of the thirty minutes until I hear the light knock. I sprint to the door and don’t even bother to look in the peephole before throwing it open.

Her long blonde waves fall over her black zip-up hoodie, her blue eyes hitting mine with the force of being sacked and knocking the wind out of me.

I don’t hesitate to grab her and pull her to me as the weight of a lifetime of longing lifts. There can only be one reason she’s here, and it has to be because this isn’t over. We aren’t over.

She comes to me, wrapping her arms around me and sliding them up my back, just like she used to. My body fills with panicked astonishment that this can’t possibly be real. I slide my fingers into the back of her silky hair, holding her to me. This is everything I’ve needed and the only thing I’ll ever want.

I don’t even breathe for fear she’ll disappear or I’ll wake up and find out this is all a dream. I try to take in every inch of her warm body pressed against mine.

She’s here. Thank God. Tears prick my eyes, and I can’t let her go.

After a few long minutes, I risk pulling away, desperate to understand. I bring my hands to her face, keeping her close. “What are you doing here?”

Her tired eyes search mine. “I had to see you.”

I can’t prevent the quick little dip my stomach takes, wondering if this visit isn’t what I want it to be. I search her face in return, searching for clues.

I release her, tugging her inside and noticing she only has the bag on her back. I watch her, still stunned and waiting for her to tell me . . . something.

“I can’t believe you’re here.” My heart is still beating a thousand times a minute. “I thought . . . ” I can’t even finish it.

I think I see one side of her beautiful mouth almost tug upward. “I couldn’t. I called it off months ago. ”

It’s all she says. Months ago? I can’t help the foolish smile that creeps across my face. She couldn’t marry him, and my girl still uses as few words as possible.

“Thank God. You have no idea how happy I am to hear that.”

She bites her bottom lip, this time preventing her smile, but it quickly falls away. “Everything you said, was it true?”

“Yes. Every single word.”

Her eyes drop to the floor, and her shoulders sag. “I’m sorry.” Her voice is painfully soft. “I’m so sorry. I have so many—”

I step closer, taking her face in my hands again. “Shhh. It’s ok. You’re here, now.”

My heart pounds to a new rhythm of hope and joy and disbelief. She still feels the same under my fingertips. I breathe in her familiar scent—sunscreen with a hint of car oil.

“Tell me I wasn’t wrong,” I beg, needing to hear her say it. “Tell me what we had was real, that I didn’t make it all up.”

She studies me, her eyes, the lightest blue, trace over my face. “You weren’t wrong.” Her throat bobs as a large knot lodges itself in mine. “It was so real.” Her soft voice quivers as her eyes flick between mine.

I slowly close the distance between us and press my lips to hers. Once. Twice, quick and soft, even though nothing about what is running through me is soft and gentle.

My lips linger on hers, relishing the feel of her mouth on mine and finally being able to accept that this is really happening. It’s like finally coming home.

I slide my fingers into her long strands, and it only takes a second for her to reciprocate my need. She angles her head and parts her lips, and I’m gone. Her hands move over my chest to my neck, holding me close. Heat and desperation collide. As our tongues twine, my hands find her hips seeking more as if years haven’t been more than a day.

I kiss her like I’ve dreamed every night, over and over again, neither of us breaking for air. This is everything I’ve missed and longed for. Her nearness and familiarity. The feel of her body against mine. The taste of her mouth. The way she knows me and cares for me. The kind I’ve never known before or since .

I walk her backward to the edge of the bed, slowing our frantic and hungry kisses. “I love you,” I whisper, bringing my forehead to hers. “I’ve always loved you. I never stopped. Not for a second. I couldn’t.”

Her hands fist my shirt like she’s afraid I’ll disappear.

I never want this to end. I can never go back to life without her. The thought of having to say goodbye to her again is unimaginable. I won’t do it.

I stare into her eyes. “Marry me.”

She blinks. Then, blinks again. “What?”

“Marry me. I want you. All of you. Forever. There isn’t a chance I can go back to life without you. Marry me.”

Her light eyebrows scrunch together. “What?” she asks again, making me smile. “Mark, there’s so much—”

“I don’t care. Marry me. Tonight. Here.”

“Marry you?”

“Tell me you don’t love me, that you haven’t loved me all these years, and I won’t ask you again.”

Her eyes fall closed, and I see her admittance. “Mark . . . ”

The way she says my name is like no other, and a flash of heat climbs from the depths of my core, spreading to the surface.

“Lex, it’s always been us. It will always be us. Nothing will change that. Marry me.”

She lifts her chin, her eyes opening as she searches my face, weighing . . . something.

I tug her closer, resting my forehead on hers, waiting.

She pulls her bottom lip between her teeth. “Ok.”