Javier (Alpha Heroes #12)

Chapter Twenty-eight

Missy

“Wake up, Angel.” Javier’s worried voice reached me from far away, cutting short my dream. “Missy, you’re talking to yourself. I think you’re dreaming.”

I forced my eyelids to work and found Javier balancing on one elbow next to me, his tensed face hovering over me.

“Are you okay?” he asked, gently cupping my chin.

“I’m fine.” Easing away from his touch, I sat up on the bed and blinked off the dream.

He pushed off the mattress and settled against the headboard beside me. “Were you having a nightmare?”

“I’m not sure if it was a nightmare or not.”

“It wouldn’t surprise me if you had nightmares after what happened yesterday with Rozina.”

“That’s done and over.” I hesitated then met Javier’s gaze. “I had a weird dream just now. It was very powerful.”

“Here.” He reached for the bottle of water standing on his night table, cracked it open, and handed it to me. “What’s happening inside your head?”

“I’m not sure.” I took small sips, moistening my throat while still trying to figure out what I’d seen. “I was dreaming about the past. It felt as if I were witnessing something that had already happened.”

“A vision from the past?” He frowned. “That’s a new kind of dream for you, isn’t it?”

“Not really.” I gave the bottle back. “I dream about my family often. About when we were kids and the happy times we spent together. I dream about my sisters a lot, too. And about my brother, of course.”

“I see.” He returned the bottle to the nightstand.

His face looked suddenly guarded, so my pulse picked up. I’d awakened with a lot of questions swirling in my head. Now the dream made me consider things Javi had said in the past about people he’d lost and things I should know about him. Emotions tangled in my belly—uncertainty but also something else, certainty without understanding. Why this dream? Why now? Was it real?

“What did you see in your dream?” His halting voice betrayed his reluctance.

“In the dream, I was just sort of…” I grappled for words. “I was floating in the air, as if witnessing something that had happened, something that felt… sacred.”

“ Sacred ?” He drew his eyebrows together. “What was your dream about?”

“It was about you.” The pressure shifted from my chest to my throat. “In the dream, my brother Nix was with you.”

***

Javier

Caught . Trapped in a lie by omission. My stomach plummeted. She’d dreamed about Nix and me. On this very night, when everything had changed for me. Had she discovered my secret in her dreams? Was it even possible?

I gulped so loudly that my throat croaked.

“It wasn’t the clearest of dreams,” she ventured quietly. “In it, you were behind some sort of low stone wall. There was yellow dirt everywhere, sand maybe. Nix crouched next to you.”

“Did he?” I could barely get the words out.

“There was smoke and loud sounds. Explosions, perhaps?” She glanced up at me as if looking for confirmation, but all I could do was watch her eyes reflecting the fear etched on my face. “You two were huddled behind that wall in a kind of improvised foxhole, maybe?”

Another glance. I was petrified. I couldn’t confirm or deny.

“You were both bloodied, and you seemed… hurt.” She winced. “Nix smiled at you. He asked if you were okay. He then said, ‘That was very brave, Goof, but you shouldn’t have joined me in this joint.’” She imitated her brother’s warm, confident voice almost to perfection.

I gulped again, unable to get a single word through my tight throat.

“Do you know what you replied?” she asked, studying me closely.

“I’d follow you to the pits of hell if you went there,” I murmured, remembering his face hovering above me, as if it had all just happened yesterday and not three long years ago.

“When you said that, Nix’s smile widened.” She paused before she continued. “Then he said the weirdest thing, exactly the kind of thing my brother would say. Do you know what it was?”

I couldn’t push the words out. “You say it.”

“You’ve got a lot of life ahead of you, Marine,” Missy repeated those fateful words, stabbing at my heart. “I see a new, brilliant dawn on your horizon. You can’t miss the best part of your life. I’m gonna love the next episode.”

Holy fucking shit.

Those were the very words Phoenix Astor had said to me on that fateful day. I’d been in and out of consciousness, and I’d never understood exactly what he meant, but now, watching the first rays of the sun illuminating Missy’s face, I wondered if he’d somehow known that, one day, after making love to Missy, I would see the sunrise reflecting in his sister’s stunning eyes.

I cleared my voice of all emotion. “What happened then?”

“A warm breeze blew through me and I felt Nix’s presence very near.” She shrugged. “Then I woke up.”

I struggled to keep my mouth closed. “You felt Nix’s presence?”

“I know. Weird, right? Toward the end of the dream he stood on a golden desert, alone in an endless expanse.” Her throat rippled. “His grin beamed on me. It was as if he somehow knew that the two of us were together and he was smiling down on us from heaven.”

The brick stuck in my throat wouldn’t budge.

“Javi?” Orange flares lit up her irises. “Tell me the truth, please. You said you worked for Dash, but did you also work for Nix, you know, before he died?”

“I…” More bricks piled up on my chest. “I… yeah.” All the air rushed out of my lungs. “I worked with Nix. I was part of his unit, before…”

I couldn’t finish the sentence.

“Can you tell me what happened, that day, when you were wounded?”

Shit .

I braced my elbows on my knees and held my head between my hands. This was it. After last night, after all the progress I’d made with Missy, after deceiving myself with a sense of hope, it was crash and burn for me. She’d hate me as soon as I told her. Misery would return, the only companion to my lonely nights.

No more Missy. No more lovemaking. No more smiles. She would hate me forever. I deserved her hatred, her rejection, her repulsion. And still, it was hard to give her up.

Settling a hand on my shoulder, she prodded me gently. “Well?”

“I… I can’t…” I turned into a stammering idiot. “I… I haven’t been able to talk about this shit to anyone for a while.”

“Can you please try?”

I wished she hadn’t asked. When she said please, I had to try, and if I succeeded, this new, amazing bond between us would burn to ashes and blow away in the wind.

You knew this would happen, Marine. You’ve known all along.

I owed her the truth.

“Your brother was my commanding officer,” I pushed the words out, staring at my hands. “I should’ve told you this upfront.”

“You were with him when you got hurt,” she offered, and it wasn’t a question. “Those scars, on your back. They happened while you were in battle with Nix.”

“Yes.” That was the easiest part to admit to.

She gathered her breath and met my eyes. “Were you with him when he died?”

“I…” She’d seen that day in her dreams. Lying was no longer an option. “Yes and no.”

“Can you tell me more about it?”

“It was a top-secret mission,” I mumbled. “Nobody knew the details except the people who were there and our debriefers. How could you possibly know what he said to me back then when it was only Nix and me?”

“I don’t know,” she admitted quietly.

I scrubbed my face, still in disbelief. “Did you see anything else in your dream?”

She tilted her head and studied me. “Like what?”

“Like what happened after Nix said those things to me.”

Her eyebrows drew together. “What do you mean?”

“Did you see how he died?” I demanded too strongly. “Did you see the moment he died?”

“I didn’t see or feel his death in the dream at all.” She softened her voice. “I felt life, and something else.”

“Something else like what?”

“Like friendship.” She paused and looked at me, pleading with those orange-hued eyes, haunting me with her need to know. “Is this true? Were you and Nix close? Or am I making this up?”

“I told you before there were things about me that you ought to know.” I dipped my face in my hands, fighting the burning in my eyes.

“You can tell me now.”

“You want the truth?”

“Yes.” Tears were already spilling down her cheeks.

“Nix and I were close.” I dropped my hands and met her rounded eyes. “We were good friends. He was my commanding officer, but he was also my go-to. I wanted to tell you, but I just… couldn’t.”

She wiped a tear from her eye. “I’ve upset you.”

“You didn’t upset me.” I couldn’t grab a breath. “I’ve been upset for a long time.”

“Since Nix died.”

“True.”

“You loved him.”

“Like the brother I never had.” My heart shriveled into a painful fist.

“He loved you like a brother as well.” Her eyes closed before she opened them again and I felt fucking wrecked when I spotted the pain that lingered there. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what?” I scoffed. “That he died because of me?”

“No.” A line deepened between her eyebrows. “That he died with you.”

“I wanted to tell you,” I mumbled. “I didn’t get to it because I’m a fucking coward. I didn’t want you to think less of me. I especially didn’t want you to know that I went after him and got him killed instead.”

Her frown etched deeper into her forehead. “What do you mean?”

“As we tried to outflank the enemy, Nix got separated from our unit. He got into a tight spot in the fierce crossfire. I made it across the battlefield to him, but then we got hit by mortar fire. I got wounded. He did too, but I couldn’t hold on, whereas he was unfazed, as usual—cool, calm, and collected under fire.”

“That was Nix all the time.” Her eyes glazed over. “Even when he faced off with our father.”

“Nix always kicked ass. He was the coolest cat in a fight.” I had to smile through an annoyingly liquid haze. “He always got us out of trouble. On that day, after I got hit, I was in and out of consciousness. I can’t remember what happened after he said those things to me.”

“What do you mean?” Her forehead furrowed.

“One moment we were in the thick of things. Next I knew, I woke up in a field hospital mangled but alive. That’s when they told me. Nix hadn’t made it out. He was dead. He’d left the foxhole to lead our attackers away from me and got blown to pieces. Hell, we had nothing to bury. They couldn’t even retrieve the smallest fragment of his body.”

She winced.

“Shit.” I slapped my forehead. “That was crass of me. I’m sorry.”

“It’s the truth,” she managed evenly. “I now understand why you wanted to know what happened after you went lights out. But Javi, his actions were his decisions, not yours.”

“It was my fault no matter how you look at it,” I muttered. “I can’t—I couldn’t believe he was dead. Not Phoenix Astor. How could he be dead? To this day, I hate myself for not remembering what happened and how he died.”

“Since you didn’t see him die or dead, you can’t accept it.” She offered the words with kindness I didn’t deserve. “You’ve had no closure, just like my sisters and me. I know how awful that feels. Not knowing. Not being able to bury him.”

I trapped a sob in my throat. A fucking sob!

“The dream I had is your nightmare.” Her eyebrows lifted with the realization. “The nightmare you were having the night I woke you up in the hammock is you, reliving that awful moment. Am I right?”

“Yeah.” I dropped my head. “It’s my nightmare, and my shame, and even though it torments me often, it always fails to give me the answers I need.”

“What answers?”

“How he died, when he died, where he died.” So many questions choked my throat. “I have these fractured memories that come and go. I went in to rescue my friend and instead he rescued me. I didn’t tell you because I knew what you’d think of me.”

She blinked several times. “And what’s that?”

“That your brother died because of me, of my incompetence.” There, I’d finally said it. “That I failed my friend, the bravest, most honorable man I’ve ever known.”

She drew back and contemplated me for a few seconds. “Do you really believe that?”

“Of course I do.” I wiped a tear from my eye. “And so does everyone else.”

She shook her head, looking pensive. “I’m not sure about that.”

“You weren’t there,” I pushed back, unable to contain my fury. “I was.”

“Well, I was kind of there,” she countered softly. “In a different way, but there.”

“Sorry.” I cursed myself. “I didn’t mean to diminish you or your dreams.”

“The dream wasn’t very long.” Her eyes acquired a distant glaze. “All I saw was a moment, but I felt Nix’s emotions clearly. He had a plan. He was fully engaged in the moment and hopeful. I know he didn’t feel as if you failed him.”

“I… I don’t understand.” I swallowed dryly. “Why would you say that?”

“His last words to you were not ‘you screwed up, Goof.’ They were about a new dawn on your horizon. About an episode of your life he wanted to see. Those don’t sound like the words of a hopeless man who thought you got him into trouble. They sound like the words of a friend determined to live and encouraging you to do the same.”

Three years of sorrow overwhelmed my defenses. Water cascaded from my eyes and my throat shook with convulsing sobs. I dipped my face in my hands and lost it. I cried for Nix. For the tragedy of his life cut short. For his family and his team, still grieving him. For Missy, who quietly cried with me, mourning the loss of her brother. I bawled like I’d never done before. It would’ve been so much easier if I’d died instead of him. So much better for the world.

“Javi.” Missy’s arms settled around my shoulders and squeezed.

“I’m… sorry…I…” I hiccupped, feeling totally embarrassed. “I can’t stop.”

“It’s okay to cry,” she cooed. “You told me so, remember? You’ve held your grief for so long. Let it out. I share your pain. I’m here with you.”

For a trained Marine, a Raider who’d seen the worst atrocities and never once cried, this was a complete clusterfuck. My sorrows flowed unstoppable. Whoever said men didn’t cry was nuts. I cried with all I had.

I don’t know how much time passed. Missy enveloped me in her arms and held me, protecting me from my self-loathing, buying me time to grieve. There was no judgment from her, no hatred, rejection, or revulsion. Her embrace held fast through it all. Her silence comforted me. In Missy’s arms, I found refuge, release, and maybe, the first glimmers of absolution.

Slowly, the sobs weakened and the tears stopped. The wells of my eyes burned from so much crying, but my breaths slowed and the terrible weight I’d been carrying inside my chest for so many years eased a little.

I wiped the snot from my nose and sniffled. “You don’t think he felt disappointed, abandoned, left behind there at the end?”

“What I saw, what I sensed, was a soldier still eager to win a fight, whose mind was invested in his friend’s future, your future.”

I eyed the wise woman beside me. “You think so?”

“I know so.”

“Your brother was witchy that way,” I mumbled, recalling other moments where his words had felt a lot like prophecy. “Like you and your dreams, but different.”

“Hey, I’ve only recently started with this weirdness.” She flashed me a crooked smile.

“Do you think Nix somehow foresaw that we were going to meet some day?” I backstroked real fast out of that one. “I know. Ridiculous. Right?”

“As ridiculous as my dreams, I suppose.”

“I didn’t mean to—”

“No, I get it.” She chewed on her lower lip. “This whole thing is odd, but I’m glad I had this dream.”

“You are?”

“I’d always wondered if he was alone at the end.” She reached for my hand and held it between her much smaller ones. “My sisters wondered, too. There was so little that Dash was at liberty to say. I’m relieved to know Nix wasn’t alone when he died. He was in good spirits. If he had to die that day, I’m thankful you were there with him.”

I opened my mouth and closed. “So… you’re not mad at me?” I cleared the cobwebs from my throat. “You don’t hate my guts?”

“If I’m going to be honest, I’m a little irritated.” Her eyes sparkled with a hint of annoyance. “I’m trustable, Javi. I’ve trusted you with my life and body. I wish you’d trusted me with your secrets, with this secret.”

“I swear. I tried. A couple of times.” I huffed. “I just… couldn’t. I’ve never spoken to anyone about this. Until now. Until you.”

“You’re very hard on yourself.” She pulled my hand to her lips and kissed it. “I think you’ve suffered enough. You should try to forgive yourself for something that’s not your fault.”

“But I—”

“You did your best, Javi, and as Sister Elsa often says, your best is all you can ask of yourself. You’re human. You got hurt. You were not the reason Nix died, and you can’t take the blame for something you had no control over.”

I stared at the extraordinary woman holding my hand. She wasn’t angry at me. She didn’t blame me for her brother’s death. Her generosity astounded me. She understood how I felt about her brother like no one else did. She got how hard I tried, how much I’d wanted to save him.

Ye’re a wee bit banjaxed. Sister Janet’s voice echoed in my head. But you’re sound, lad. Have care of yer soul. It needs mending. If anyone can help with that, it’s herself. Perhaps ye’ll let her… someday .

It struck me that she’d been right. I had been banjaxed and for quite a while. My soul needed mending, and today, at last, that vague “someday” had arrived. With her dream, Missy had offered me a path to healing, and for once, I was gonna accept help—her help.

“I wonder why I dreamed of Nix tonight of all nights,” she murmured, tapping her fingers over her lips.

“Maybe because we fucked?”

“If that’s what you want to call it.” She angled those beautiful eyes over my face.

She knew this hadn’t been fucking. She knew it had been something more.

“It’s strange.” I squeezed her hand. “If you hadn’t had this dream, I may have never found the courage to come clean with you. I don’t know how else I would’ve been able to talk about this.”

“Maybe this dream helped us process something together, something that you blocked and I sensed,” she proposed in her quiet way. “Something we needed to share.”

“Missy Astor, I hereby declare myself at the mercy of your extraordinary wisdom.” I kissed her hand. “So. What happens now, Wise One?”

“You forgive yourself and then, oh, I don’t know.” She flashed a naughty grin. “I think we need a pick me up. How about I suck your dick and you teach me some new stuff after that?”

My mouth fell open. She knelt before me and got to consoling me, the Missy way. The pleasure of her lips on my dick drove me to madness. The emotions that came with it were even more powerful. My groans were the only sound that broke the early morning’s silence.