Keep Me If You Can (If You Can #3)

26. I Drove All Night

Chapter twenty-six

I Drove All Night

I listened to Celine Dion on the way home.

Not because I wanted to. I just didn’t bother plugging my phone into the car and whatever Montreal radio station I picked up had some kind of tribute to Celine night going on.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to, either. I had no objection to Celine. She was a national treasure, not that I’d even risk hinting otherwise while in Montreal.

I just didn’t want anything.

Everything was numb. My hands. My feet. My heart. My mind. It was like I’d overloaded and instead of shutting down, I froze, a shell of whatever was supposed to be sitting in the driver’s seat of a Honda Civic trying not to get sideswiped by an Uber doing one-thirty in the seventy zone on Autoroute 20.

It was a mercy in the mercilessness that had been that day. I didn’t want to think. I didn’t want to hurt. I didn’t want to feel.

I just drove.

For a while, anyway.

Celine was singing about how things were all coming back to her when I started feeling again. Hunger, mainly, since all I’d eaten since lunch was a single donut.

Unfortunately, that reminded me I’d bought a bunch of donuts, and I brightened up for all of a second before realizing I’d left those donuts at my dad’s house.

I was almost more upset about leaving the donuts behind than leaving JP.

That was a lie. I couldn’t even pretend to convince myself it was true.

But I didn’t want to think about JP.

Food, on the other hand, was a necessity. I wasn’t going to make it back home if I didn’t eat something , especially since I’d also left the pad thai JP had bought me at his house because—

Fuck.

I was thinking about JP again.

I turned the radio up and let Celine’s voice bounce around my skull, then switched lanes so I could take the next exit, since I also needed gas.

The gas station I pulled into had a Tim Hortons attached to it. It wasn’t my first choice of food, but I was pretty sure anything would taste like ashes in my mouth right then, so it didn’t matter. After filling up my car, I went inside and ordered, then wandered to the bathroom while I was waiting for it to be made.

Then, because something in the universe thought it was just hilarious to fuck with me, I left the bathroom, brought an overpriced pack of tampons up to the cashier, and went back to put one in before picking up my bagel and Iced Capp.

The radio station cut out just after I left the gas station, but I apparently decided I needed my own Celine tribute night and pulled up her discography on my phone. Plugging it in, I turned the volume up, turned my thoughts down, and drove.

And drove.

And drove.

When I got to Ottawa, I looked at the exit.

And I kept driving.

And driving.

And driving.

It was after midnight when I pulled up to the place I hadn’t thought of going. Instinct more than anything had brought me there. That was the only justification I had, especially as I turned my car off and hesitated.

It was late, but the lights were still on. Of course they were; I had to get my night owl tendencies from somewhere.

But still. Maybe I should go home.

Which would’ve been as stupid as driving here in the first place, of course. I wouldn’t make it home without falling asleep.

So I got out of the car. I walked up to the door. I rang the bell because even though I knew I could just walk in, it was the middle of the night and I hadn’t called. I heard the TV blaring and a confused voice and a few moments later, the front door opened tentatively, revealing a chubby man who looked about my age with thick brown hair, pale olive skin, and furrowed eyebrows.

“Who are you?” I asked, frowning.

“Uh… Jack,” he said.

“What are you doing here?”

“I live here,” he said.

“Since when?”

“Since—you know, I don’t have to answer that,” he said. “Can I help you with something?”

“Depends. Am I delirious or did my mom secretly move without telling me her new address?”

Jack’s confusion lingered a moment longer before his eyes widened. “Oh, shi—”

“Nellie?” came a panicked yelp, and a second later Jack was shoved out of the way.

“Hi Mom,” I said. “How was Vegas?”

My mom stared at me. Her hair was pulled up in a messy ponytail and part of the hem of her baggy pyjama top was tucked into the waistband of her shorts.

“It was good,” she said, her voice strangely high. “We had—um.” She cleared her throat. “ I had a lot of fun.”

“With the friend I’m not supposed to know about?” I asked.

My mom’s eyebrows pinched together. “Well… yes.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll pretend I didn’t see him.”

A single bubble of laughter popped out of her mouth. “No, it’s fine. It’s… um…” She waved behind her and Jack reappeared, a wary look on his face. “This is, um, Jack.”

“Hi,” I said. “Are you older than me?”

My mom’s face turned red, but Jack just nodded. “I’m twenty-seven.”

“Cool.”

“Is that a problem?” my mom asked.

I shrugged. “I don’t think it matters as long as it’s someone older than I am. Though I guess it’s a lot less weird when it’s not a girl.”

“What?” Jack whispered.

“She means her dad,” my mom said quickly. “He… well. Anyway. So you’re not mad, hon?”

“Why would I be mad?” I asked.

She bit her lip nervously. “Well, I know I haven’t dated much or anything. And Jack is, um, staying here. And he is a little younger than me, so…”

“I’m not mad, Mom.”

Her lips pressed together and she looked like she was holding back tears. “Well, come in. No point in standing at the door.”

I was pretty sure I cockblocked Jack, based on the state of the blankets on the couch in the living room, but he still graciously excused himself upstairs while my mom and I went to the kitchen.

“You know I’m thrilled to see you, hon,” my mom said as she grabbed a couple of water glasses from the cupboard, then changed her mind and grabbed the wine glasses. “But what’s going on?”

“I just needed to see you,” I said, not looking at her. “And I felt like driving.”

“You drove?”

I nodded.

She let out a bright caw of laughter, shaking her head so her ponytail swung from side to side before pouring wine for each of us. “Oh, Daughter of Mine. I adore how impulsive you are.”

And I know she didn’t mean to.

She couldn’t have known.

But she said that and my lip trembled, and even though I immediately curled it into my mouth, she saw it.

“What’s wrong, Nell?” she asked, her voice soft. “I know you didn’t just drive four and a half hours to surprise me.”

“Closer to seven, actually,” I mumbled.

“What?” she asked.

I dragged my fingernail along my thumb, holding in a wince as it hit the spot I’d picked raw earlier. “So if I wasn’t mad about your thing, you can’t be mad about my thing, okay?”

“It would be so nice if that was how it worked,” she said. “But it’s not.”

“Oh,” I said. “Never mind, then.”

She laughed again. “Tell me. I promise I’ll try not to be mad.”

And what was I supposed to say to that? “Well, before I can tell you everything, I need to tell you I’ve spent the last four years attending a bunch of fancy events to make my dad look good in exchange for the four years of tuition and living expenses you specifically told me not to ask for because you didn’t want me to get hurt by the sociopath you had the misfortune of conceiving me with?”

I sure hope so, since that was basically what I said.

I wasn’t sure how she’d react. I’d always assumed she would be angry, but that was because I was terrified of the far more likely option.

You know. The one where she was as disappointed in me as she was hurt by my actions.

As I spilled all my admissions, I almost expected her shoulders to sag. For her to look down, hoping I didn’t see her eyes water. For her to sigh, trying to hide the fact that I’d found a condition that lessened the unconditional love she was supposed to have for me.

She wasn’t looking at me when I finished speaking. Her eyes were set on the table, her head tilted just enough that I couldn’t make out what was on her face even if it hadn’t been unreadable. For a long moment, neither of us spoke.

“Mom?” I finally said. “Please don’t hate me.”

She chuckled. “I could never, ever hate you.”

“But you’re mad that I asked Dad for help?” I said.

She took a deep breath, then let it out in a sigh before looking up.

“No,” she said. “I already knew that, Daughter of Mine.”