Keep Me If You Can (If You Can #3)

33. Hull

Chapter thirty-three

Hull

T hree cancelled Ubers and two hours later, I looked longingly at my apartment building.

One minute after that, the Uber passed it and continued towards the Ottawa River.

Ten minutes after that , I was back in Quebec, getting out of the Uber in front of a twenty-floor condo building overlooking the other side of the Ottawa River.

Because of all the places in all the world—or at least in Quebec—JP had moved to Hull.

Fucking Hull .

I couldn’t see Hull from my house, but only because there were other buildings and a slight exaggeration in the way. But the address scrawled in Anne-Marie’s loopy handwriting on the crumpled piece of paper Syd showed me was barely ten minutes from our building. Hull was technically in Gatineau, which was in Quebec, even though I’d had to drive from Quebec through Ontario and back into Quebec to get there, but it was all part of the same metropolitan region as Ottawa.

Basically, JP had moved to the same city as me and hadn’t said a fucking word about it.

Part of me was angry. Part of me raged at JP’s audacity. More than usual, anyway. Because it had to be audacity, right? It was obnoxiously audacious of him to have assumed I wanted to be with him so confidently that he got a job at a law firm in Hull and moved there. Luckily there were two hours between me promising I’d talk to him immediately and actually being able to talk to him so I could think on it a bit more and calm down.

Because there were only so many places he could go that would hire him without it getting back to his dad. Montreal had been out of the picture completely. Quebec City would’ve been almost as risky, considering he’d articled there. So aside from coincidence, it likely had nothing to do with me.

Maybe.

The Uber left before I could chicken out and jump back in, so I had no choice but to go into the building. Other than calling another Uber or something, but I promised.

I promised, and in my heart, I wanted to, even though the rest of me wanted to cower.

The building was on the newer side and while there was still a foyer to trap people before they got buzzed in, it also had a lobby with gleaming floors and a large reception desk. I didn’t pay much attention to it until I reached the intercom system and pressed a few buttons, only for the screen to go blank and a speaker to buzz loudly before I could finish typing the number.

“This is private property,” said a gruff voice through the speaker.

“I’m aware,” I said, glancing around until I realized a security guard sat at the reception desk, glaring at me through the glass wall between us. “I’m here to see someone.”

“You ladies always are,” he said snidely. “You can’t just look up your client’s name on the list. You need their private number. Otherwise, they have to come down and collect you themselves.”

“Client?” I repeated.

He gave me an unimpressed look, his eyes flicking down, but it took me another moment before I realized what he was saying.

“Okay, well, not that it’s any of your judgy ass’s business,” I said. “But I was out at a club and now I’m here to see a friend.”

“Still can’t get in without the number,” he said.

“I know the number,” I said. “If you’d let me type the damn thing in.”

The speaker clicked off. He gestured at the wall snidely, as if to say “Go ahead.” After mouthing “Thank you” at him as sarcastically as I could, I dialled JP’s number. I could feel the security guard’s eyes on me as the call connected and tapped my foot, waiting for it to ring.

And it did.

It rang once, and there was no answer.

It rang again, and still nothing.

A third time, and my breath hitched as if in preparation for the embarrassment I’d have to face when JP didn’t let me in.

A fourth ring, and I almost winced.

And then the line clicked.

“Hello?” JP asked breathlessly.

“Hi,” I said. “I’m here to sell a two-dicked dragon dildo to Giovanni Cockeverlasting from the Monster Fucker Ottawa group.”

There was a long, confused silence.

“Nellie?” he finally said.

“Yeah.”

He paused again. “What are you—”

“I need to talk to you.”

“It’s—” There was a rustling sound. “It’s midnight.”

“Were you asleep?”

“No, I just… how did you—”

“Anne-Marie.”

He laughed. “Fucking Anne-Marie.”

“I know. But look, the security guard down here is trying to set me on fire with his mind because he thinks you’re paying me to be here, so can I come in?”

“Oh, shit. Uh—” There was another rustling sound. “Uh, yeah. Come on up.”

The speaker clicked off, replaced by the buzz of the door unlocking. I pulled the door open and looked at the security desk, where the guard had suddenly become very interested in something on the other side of the room, and remained that way as I waited for the elevator.

The building might have been twenty stories, but JP only lived on the eighth floor, so it didn’t take me long to get to his apartment. Still, I walked slower than I usually would, telling myself it was to give JP more time to get ready and definitely not because I was terrified to talk to him.

Even still, when I finally knocked on the door to his apartment, it took longer than expected for the door to swing open. Once it did, it revealed JP standing there, looking flustered in a way I’d literally never seen him look before. His shirt, usually so carefully pressed, was rumpled, the buttons done up through the wrong holes so the untucked hem sat unevenly on his waistband. His face was pink and his hair was tousled and sticking up on one side.

I was pretty sure I’d never been more attracted to anyone in my life.

“Hi, I’m from the Banjo Brotherhood, here to talk to you about our lord and saviour Mullet Bubba,” I said.

“If those are standard issue uniforms, I’m in,” he said, eyes flicking down at my dress.

“I’m not sure we have them in your size, but I can check with Betsy-Mae,” I said.

His mouth twitched. “I’m glad to hear this is a religion thing. I was a little worried that not talking to you for a couple of weeks had made you decide on a new career path.”

“You know what they say. Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.”

That earned a laugh. “So did you actually get in a fight with a guy with knives for hands or—”

“I was at a club,” I said.

“And Sliced and Diced Chic went against their dress code? What’s it called so I know never to go there?”

“You don’t have to worry about that.”

“Help a guy out. I’m kinda new to town.”

I shifted in place, not quite looking at him. “I’d love to, but I, uh… I have something else to talk to you about.”

The half-smile faded off his lips. “That’s fair.”

There was a heavy pause.

“So… can I come in?” I asked.

“Right, yeah,” JP said. “Of course.”

He stepped back, holding the door for me, and something almost like shyness washed over me as I walked into the apartment.

The place looked settled in, even though he’d only moved sometime within the past couple of weeks. There were no moving boxes waiting to be unpacked and his fastidious tidiness meant that aside from a few plates sitting on the drying rack and the hideous handmade throw blanket tossed carelessly across the back of the couch, it could have been a model apartment. Most of it was dark, but a warm yellow light glowed over the sink and another light from down the hallway came from what was probably his bedroom.

“Nice apartment,” I said awkwardly.

“Thanks,” he said. “It’s not quite as, uh, new as my old place was, but I like the layout better.”

I couldn’t bring myself to look at him, instead glancing around like I was taking everything in. “It’s very, um, modern.”

“Thanks,” he said again. “So, there was something you wanted to—”

“Is this granite?” I asked desperately, moving into his kitchen.

JP laughed. “Nell, I’m more than happy to show you around, but I feel like you didn’t pick midnight on a Saturday to pop by for a tour of my new place. What’s going on?”

I jabbed my forefinger into my thumb. “I’m stalling, okay?”

“I got that. Wanna maybe tell me why?”

I turned to him slowly, afraid if I moved any faster, I’d faint. My heart pounded so hard I could feel it in my skin.

“Yeah,” I said. “I… should do that.”

He waited patiently, his eyebrows raised as he bit back a smile. I looked at the wall behind him, unable to meet his eyes.

“I wanted to talk about… what you said.” I swallowed hard. “The last time we saw each other.”

“Okay,” he said.

“I thought maybe, um…” I trailed off, thinking, then sighed in frustration. “Fuck, how do people do this?”

“Do what?”

I bit my lip, my face burning. “Tell people they want… things.”

“What kind of things?”

“You know what kind of things,” I mumbled.

“Nell, are you here to tell me you like me?”

“Ew.” I cringed, almost shuddering. “Ugh. Gross. Don’t say it like that.”

His mouth twitched into a smirk. “So that’s a yes?”

“It’s a… a…” I sighed. “Yes. I might’ve done some thinking and… and when I was thinking, I thought, like… like maybe if I… I sort of realized that—”

“—that if you came crawling back, I might give you another chance?” he finished.

It was meant to be a joke. I knew JP’s voice well enough to know that he was trying to tease me. But the words still made heat rise up my neck and through my cheeks as my stomach curled in painful embarrassment. I paused, then shook my head.

“Nope,” I said.

He looked surprised. “What?”

“Never mind.” I turned on my heel. “This was a bad idea.”

He didn’t have time to react before I strode back to his door, yanking it open and marching back into the hallway. I was only a few steps away when the door flew open again.

“Babe, I was joking!” he said.

“Whatever,” I grumbled.

“Nellie, wait,” he said, touching my arm to stop me. “Please.”

“If you’re already making fun of me, I can’t do the rest of it,” I said. “I thought I could, but I can’t.”

“Can’t what?” he asked.

“This is hard enough. I might be… be… like, have changed my mind or whatever. But if you want me to grovel, it’s not happening. Especially if you’re just going to laugh about it.”

“I won’t, babe,” he said, and his voice was as solemn as I’d ever heard it. “I promise. I will be as serious about this as you are. And for the love of God, don’t fucking grovel. Of course I don’t want that. Tell me what you thought you could do.”

I took a shallow breath, steadying myself, and tried to think of everything I’d spent the last two hours meticulously planning out in the back of an Uber.

So of course, I couldn’t remember any of it.

“I don’t know how to do this,” I said. “This… feeling. The feelings thing.” I folded my arms and turned back to him. “I don’t like it.”

“I know you don’t.”

“What I know about relationships is that I hate them. I hate feeling like someone owns me. I hate feeling like I have to answer to someone.”

“That’s not what relationships are,” he said. “Or if it is, it’s not what I want, either.”

“And you… you’re like… you know what my dad is like,” I said. “I don’t want that life. I don’t want to be controlled by money.”

“I don’t either,” he said. “I don’t want the kind of life my parents have or that your dad has. If I never have to attend another charity gala, I’d die happy. Unless you promised me anal again, in which case, I’d strongly consider attending another charity gala.”

It was funny, but my chest still felt hollow with fear. “Okay, but what about, like, life? Like, I’m in school. I’m gonna probably have to move one day because I want a career. I don’t want to give that up and pump out a bunch of babies or something.”

“Not that I’m saying that’s what I want, but you know we could date or whatever for a while before having big, serious, rest-of-our-lives conversations, right?” he asked.

“Maybe you can. I can’t get into this if I think that’s where it’s going to go.”

“Well, it’s not,” he said. “Or maybe it is, if you end up wanting that. I’m just saying we can talk about anything. If you wanted to.”

“Anything?”

“Of course.”

“What about sex with other people?”

My heart skipped a beat or five before returning to its normal pace. If anything was going to trip him up, I thought it would be that, but JP didn’t even blink.

“I would listen to you talk about or, God willing, watch you fuck literally anyone you wanted, whenever you wanted, as often as you wanted,” he said. “Look, you talk about relationships like they have all these set-in-stone rules, but that’s never appealed to me. We can make something that works for us. We can decide what we want it to be, okay? All I want, all I really, truly, actually want, is—”

“You’re going to say something super cheesy, aren’t you?” I said.

“Yes, I am,” he said. “Because I fucking need to. All I want is to be with you. However that happens, I don’t care.”

“Even after…” I swallowed hard. “Like, what I said a couple of weeks ago?”

“Yes.”

I couldn’t quite look at him. “I kind of want that, too.”

“So what’s stopping us?” he asked.

“I’m scared.”

The words were out of my mouth before they even registered in my mind. I heard them for the first time at the same time JP did.

“Scared of what?” he asked.

“Just… scared,” I said.

His mouth twitched. “Scared of how much you love me?”

“ Like you,” I said. “Don’t push your luck.”

“I’m not,” he said. “It’s not a joke, Nell. I’m in love with you. And yeah, that scares the shit out of me too.”

I looked up at him, half-expecting to see a smirk on his face, but his expression was almost pained its seriousness. “It does?”

“Of course it does,” he said. “I haven’t felt like this about anyone, ever.”

I frowned. “You don’t have to lie to me.”

“How is that—”

“You loved Sam.” He stared at me, lips parted, and I shifted awkwardly. “I don’t mean that in a bad way. Just that… that you loved him. And that matters. Don’t pretend you didn’t just to make me feel special.”

His throat flexed and he blinked rapidly a few times before he spoke.

“I loved him differently,” he finally said. “Maybe one day it would’ve been like this, yeah. But it wasn’t the same as how I feel now. That doesn’t make it mean anything less for him, and it doesn’t mean anything less for you. So yeah, it’s new to me. Yeah, it’s scary. But it’s also… I dunno. Exciting.”

“What if it changes things?” I asked.

“It will,” he said. “Absolutely, it will. I mean, it damn well better. Hopefully, we can stop sneaking around to fuck and, you know, fuck whenever.”

I tried not to laugh, but it was futile. JP smiled.

“I think they’ll be good changes,” he said. “I really do.”

I looked at him for a long moment, then nodded. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah,” I said. “So is there some kind of ceremonial words I have to say or are you just, like, my boyfriend now?”

“Only if you’re my girlfriend now,” he said.

“I mean, I guess. Still kind of gross, though.”

When he took me into his arms, we were both laughing, and when he brought an arm to my neck and tilted my face up to kiss me, I couldn’t stop smiling. I rested my hand against his side, relaxing into the acceptance and relief and fear and familiarity. Into the scent of his cologne and the warmth of his body.

Into him.

And then, just as I thought to myself that I never guessed how fucking good this would feel, JP’s apartment door opened.

“Seriously?” said a woman’s voice. “What the actual fuck , JP?!”