Keeping You (Destined Love #3)

29. Grayson

CHAPTER 29

Grayson

H annah has been my rock ever since Mom called. She’s not only made sure I have everything I need, but also that my family’s taken care of, too. When we got here, I never thought to go talk to the nurses to see if they could give any sort of update on my dad, but she knows nurses know almost as much as the doctors about patient status, if not more at times. She got enough information to give us peace of mind, and that’s all I could ask for.

She holds my hand tightly for the thirty minute drive to my parents’ place. The doctors eventually kicked us out, saying Dad needed to rest, and I know they’re right, but seeing him lying in that bed and not being able to stay was hard. Hannah assured me we could come back as soon as visiting hours begin tomorrow and said we needed to grab some real food.

After we eat, we head upstairs and crash. The day has wiped me completely, and I sleep straight through until morning.

We’re up early so we can arrive at the hospital as soon as visiting hours start. Seeing Dad lying in a hospital bed in a shitty hospital gown will never be easy. He’s in his usual good mood when we walk in. The doctor comes in and tells us his overnight observation went well and that they’ll be discharging him today. Hannah is doing everything and anything that can be done to help get him out of here quickly. After a couple of hours, we’re loaded in the car and begin the drive back to Willow Valley.

Dad keeps the drive full of chatter, either talking Vancouver Cyclone trades with me or sharing memories of my childhood with Hannah. The two of them get along so well, and it has her worming herself deeper into my heart. I already loved her, but seeing her with my family is just another sign she’s the one for me. The only person I’d ever settle down with is her.

Dad settles into his chair at home, and Hannah and I walk Mom and Chloe through his new diet and how they need to push him to exercise. Even going for long walks can greatly help him. We confirm we’ll stick around for the week to monitor him ourselves to make sure he doesn’t have any residual effects from the heart attack. Hannah and I discuss the fact that we’re without a few supplies to get us through the week. She writes me a list of what she needs, and I run into town to grab everything. I’m walking out of the grocery store when Rebecca’s voice stops me.

“Grayson,” she says.

I turn and smile, although it’s awkward and I’m not sure it comes across as a smile. This is why I don’t come to visit often.

“Rebecca.”

“I heard about your dad. I hope he’s okay. I know it must be serious if you’re here from the city.”

I run a hand down my face and take a deep breath. “We were in Osoyoos, so it wasn’t that far of a drive. He’s doing okay. They discharged him this morning, so Hannah and I drove him back. He’s settling at home now,” I say.

She nods. “I’m glad.” She fidgets with her hands in front of her in a way she only does when she’s unsure or nervous. I used to take hold of her hands and kiss her knuckles when she’d do it. Her cheeks would turn pink, and her attention would be focused solely on me and her nerves would go away.

“I was wondering if you’d like to grab coffee with me. Talk?”

My chest feels tight at her word. I haven’t spent time alone with Rebecca since the night before she was admitted to the hospital eleven years ago. Chloe’s voice fills my head.

Maybe you should talk to Rebecca while you’re here. Maybe it will help you cope. This is not how you deal with all your emotions. I’m not sure you ever fully moved on, Grayson. If you want your marriage with Hannah to work, I think it’s time you face the past.

Having Hannah at my side through everything with my dad has cemented for me that I need to figure out my shit and find a way to keep my wife. I have a serious feeling that’s going to mean facing the one thing I’ve been running from for over a decade, but Hannah’s worth it. She’s worth everything.

I swallow past the lump in my throat and say, “Sure.”

She follows me to the car, where I tuck the groceries away before we walk to the corner café in silence. We each order a coffee and find a table in the corner. The silence is uncomfortable, and it makes me miss Hannah. With her, we can sit together and not say anything and I don’t feel like I need to leave or say something to fill the void.

“How’ve you been?” I ask.

She smiles softly. “I’ve been good. I enjoy my work. It lets me be home with Jack as much as possible, and Daniel’s able to be around when I can’t.”

“I’m glad,” I choke out.

She leans forward, resting her arms on the table as her hands wrap around her coffee. “You have questions,” she says. She’s always been able to read me. I don’t know if it’s that I’m easy to read or just years of being with someone.

I sigh. “Yeah.”

“You can ask them.”

I can’t look at her. Looking at her and asking these questions will probably crack whatever semblance of decorum I have right now. I find a spot on the wall over her shoulder and talk to it.

“I’m sorry.” The words fall out of me.

“For?” she asks, confusion filling her voice.

“I failed you,” I whisper, and my eyes quickly dart to her.

The look on her face has me unable to look away. She has no idea what I’m talking about.

“After we lost the baby, I failed you. If I had done something”—I run a hand through my hair, trying to gather myself—“anything. I don’t know. You went through so much. When your dad called—” I choke back a sob as a tear runs down my cheek. I’m on the cusp of losing it, but I know I need to push forward and have this conversation. “When your dad called and said you’d attempted to take your life, I knew I had failed you.”

“Oh, Grayson,” she says before shuffling her chair closer to mine. She grabs my hand and holds it tightly.

I look her in the eye, needing her to see how much this has eaten me alive for the last eleven years. I need her to know just how sorry I am.

“Grayson, you didn’t fail me. You’re the only reason it took me so long to do it. You kept me fighting right after.” She wipes at her tears, and my heart feels like it’s being ripped out of my chest the same way it did then. “I was so depressed after the miscarriage. I felt like I had failed you and myself. My body hadn’t done the one thing it was meant to do. Have a child. I spent every day sitting in my room, going over what I could have done differently so that we could have our baby. That night wasn’t the first time I had thought of ending it all. It was you and your love that stopped me each time before. That night was a bad one. It was right after Mother’s Day, and I was going through a drawer in my desk and I found a notebook I had forgotten about. I had used it when I first found out I was pregnant. I used it to write different ways to tell you. Seeing it had everything rushing in at once. I couldn’t take it. I needed the pain to go away. I didn’t want to burden you anymore, because I knew you were in pain, too.”

Tears are streaming down both of our faces now. I squeeze her hand to show her I’m still here with her, and she continues.

“When they admitted me to the hospital, they ran a battery of tests. One of them was a hormone test. They said that my levels were far from normal, and it was contributing to my depression. I got in to see a therapist, and I was able to talk through it all.”

I nod. It makes sense in my head now that she’s saying it. I’m a doctor, I’ve seen how badly a hormone imbalance can affect a patient. I think the trauma was so ingrained in me that I never thought to examine it more. I wanted to bury it all down as far as I could and never talk about it again. It was the miscarriage that made me decide to go to medical school. I wanted to do my best to be able to stop other people from experiencing the life-altering pain we did. I ended up in emergency medicine, helping stop people from losing those already with us. My heart wasn’t able to tolerate prenatal or obstetrics.

“And therapy helped?” I ask.

“Yeah. I still go. I don’t think I’ll ever be over what happened. We lost a baby we both wanted. We were ready to start a family together, but life had other plans. I’m happy now. Therapy helped me get to a point where I was ready to try to have kids again, and I’m glad I did. I wouldn’t give Jack up for anything in the world. My world begins and ends with him. I still have my bad days, but the good days outweigh them now.” She smiles. “I take Jack to the tree and tell him about you and the sibling he won’t meet. Our baby isn’t forgotten. I like to think that they’re looking over Jack and whatever future kids you or I might have.”

I shake my head. “I don’t think kids are in the picture for me.”

She squeezes my hand. “And that’s okay. Grayson, you don’t have to process this the same way I did. You don’t have to move on the same way I did. Your grief and pain are valid. I’m glad that you have Hannah to support you.”

My eyes leave hers, and she reads my evasive expression.

“You haven’t told her, have you?” she asks.

I shake my head.

“When you’re ready, you should. Knowing that I have Daniel in my corner on the hard days is my saving grace.”

She sits back in her chair, and we finish our coffees before we leave the café. Outside, she hugs me and I wrap my arms around her tight. This hug is more healing than I thought it would be. This hug feels like I may be able to put the past aside and move on, not forgetting it, but not letting it control me anymore.

When we separate, she squeezes my arms and says, “Take care of yourself, Grayson.”

“You, too.”

I turn and walk back to my car, each step away from the café making me feel lighter.