Knocked up by the Mountain Man (Silver Ridge Mountain Men)

11. Clara

11

CLARA

“ W e’re going in your car?” The question hangs in the air as I stare at Beau in the sharp, bright morning light. “I can go in mine...”

I think about the luxury of traveling in my own lovely vehicle. Driving behind Beau, with my own music blaring, not having to worry about making small talk with someone I can’t get along with. But I can already tell from the way Beau tightens his face that isn’t going to happen. I don’t stand a chance.

The tyrant is about to speak.

“It makes no sense for us both to drive,” he replies dismissively. “It’s a waste of gas, for one. Plus, you don’t know where you’re going, and I don’t want to have to keep slowing down so you can catch up. This is just better.”

“Sure, right.” What’s the point of arguing? Logically, he’s right, but that doesn’t mean I like it. “Okay then...”

I point towards the car, hoping we can just get going already. The quicker we leave, the faster I can get back home and back to my son. While Wyatt doesn’t mind looking after Thomas and he doesn’t mind being with his uncle, I don’t want to be away from him for too long. I didn’t come back here just to be away from my son, purely because Beau needs me to. Would he be so keen to take me away from Thomas if he knew his true identity?

Luckily, that’s something I’ll never have to find out. My resolve to keep this tyrant away from Thomas has only been getting stronger the more time I spend with him.

I feel Beau’s eyes on me as I slide into the passenger seat of the car, but I refuse to look his way. I don’t want to give him any more of my time than I need to. This is already painful enough; I’m going to attempt to not give him any reason to snap at me as he likes to so much. I want to get through this without falling apart if possible.

“It’s about an hour away,” he informs me as he starts up the engine. “If there is no traffic, that is.”

The idea that I’m now going to be spending an hour with this man crushes me. It feels like the walls of the car are closing in on me. But I don’t let the panic show; I simply nod and keep my gaze firmly out of the window.

“I’m going to put some music on,” Beau says quietly, clearly wanting to break the tension between us.

To be honest, I’m glad because the silence is killer. At least if there’s music, we might not need to engage in any small talk. I don’t reply though; I continue looking out of the window, which thankfully is enough for him to carry on regardless.

“Any preference?”

“No.” I shrug my shoulders, still not looking. I just can’t. “I don’t mind what we listen to.”

The music comes on, and a flicker of recognition hits me hard. I know the song; I can feel it deep within me, but the stirring of where I can place the song doesn’t come right away. I just know it’s from a long time ago, from my past life, and something I’ve purposely not listened to for a very long time.

But the more the guitar strums, the more it hits me.

Die a Happy Man by Thomas Rhett.

A song Beau and I used to listen to. A singer I loved so much I actually named my son after him. In fact, now that I’m thinking about it in more depth, I remember that the last time I heard this song was when Beau and I had sex for the first time. My God, the memory is so vivid now it actually hurts. I can hardly breathe under the pressure of it. I certainly can’t look around to see if Beau knows what the fuck he’s doing to me.

Is this torture?

Is he doing this on purpose to try and wind me up?

Because it’s working. My God, is it working.

I can’t cope; my brain is spinning under the sheer pressure of it. I’m starting to think all sorts of things. Is this meant to elicit feelings in me? Or is it to let me know he knows Thomas is his? I can’t work it out. I need to look at him to know. I need to gather myself as much as I can and twist my neck a little bit. Even if it seems impossible right now.

Oh my God.

The moment I see him, my heart stops beating. Beau doesn’t look bothered at all, like he isn’t feeling a damn thing about this song. How is that even possible when it’s crushing me from the inside out? Maybe our little fling really didn’t mean a thing to him at all. If this song playing is innocent, then I really am a fool. This is too much.

My chest tightens.

Panic settles into the pit of my stomach and consumes me.

Too damn much.

“Stop,” I finally rasp out once the nerves start churning into an intense sickness. “Stop the car. I need to get out for a minute.”

I probably look and sound like a total fool. Like an idiot who’s losing her shit, which is the worst thing that could happen right now. But I really do think I’ll throw up if I don’t get away from this song and suck in air.

So much fresh air.

It’s going to take eons for me to feel anything like normal again.

Thankfully, the car stops soon before I lose it totally.

I shove the door open and fall through it, gasping and panting like I’ve been buried underground for ages rather than sitting in a car with Beau for... well, I’m not sure how long I’ve been in that vehicle. It feels like a lifetime.

“Are you okay?” Beau asks sounding genuinely concerned, as he follows me outside of the car. “What’s going on? Do you get motion sickness?”

“I... I...” I almost want to blame it on the car, but it seems stupid to do so. I’ve spent so long holding everything in, which is fine when I don’t have to see him, but in the car, I just can’t handle it. “Are you trying to upset me?”

“What do you mean?” There’s an innocence to his tone which winds me up even more. “I don’t understand.”

“It’s all the Goddamn time,” I erupt like a hot lava volcano. My hands fling in the air in frustration. “You’re picking on me all the time and I can’t stand it. I don’t know why you’re doing this, are you deliberately trying to drive me insane? Huh?”

He laughs.

Not much, but I get a little crazy about it.

My blood boils and my fists ball up by my sides. The only good thing to come from my anger is that I no longer feel sick. Instead I’m filled with rage and trying hard not to explode.

“Why are you playing that damn song?” I growl through gritted teeth. “Do you want me to leave?”

His lips curl into a self satisfied smirk. “Ah, so you haven’t forgotten. That’s interesting to know.”

I glance around as if I’m just realizing we’re out in public now, but we aren’t really because it’s pretty deserted. There isn’t another car or person as far as the eye can see which makes me too nervous for words.

“You pretended to forget about me, didn’t you?”

He edges closer to me, the intensity of his gaze has me frozen to the spot. I know I need to move before he really connects with me, but I can’t go anywhere.

I’m stuck; held by his eyes.

“But you can’t really forget me, can you? You can’t forget what we shared. I knew it. I just... I knew it.”

He reaches out as if he’s going to touch me, but that makes me flinch, and he stops.

He doesn’t back away though. He stays where he is, looking at me with a twinkle in his eyes.

I’m in trouble, so much trouble.

Why can’t I pull back?

“So, let’s talk about us, shall we?” he smirks. “Let’s have a discussion about what happened between us.”

I shake my head hard because I don’t want to talk about anything. I can’t talk about the past without talking about Thomas and spilling the truth about everything. I’m struggling to hold it all inside as it is because of the tension between us, but right now I’m just about doing it. I feel like I’m all buttoned up and zipped in, struggling to contain it all.

“No, let’s not talk about it.” I fold my arms protectively across my chest, trying to disguise my pain from him. “I feel better now. Let’s get going.”

I start to walk towards the car, but Beau finally breaks the gap between us, and he grabs my arm to keep me in place. A sharp bolt of electricity shoots through my body, and I yank myself away. I stare at him in sheer defiance, hoping he will shut the hell down and just let me go already.

I want to get in the car... no, I don’t want to get in the car; I just want to go home.

I don’t want to be here at all. This is such a nightmare.

Instead of wanting to get away from me, Beau steps even closer. I can almost feel his lips on mine, which hurts me to the very core. I shudder because I can feel the tickle of his breath on my face, and if I just know that if I allow my eyes to close, I’ll be back to that time years ago when everything was perfect, before it all fell apart. I could be in Beau’s bedroom or barn again, kissing him, our whole future laid out in front of us. It would be so easy to slip back to that place...

“No,” I finally whisper, pushing him away from me.

My heart is pounding, about to explode right out of my chest. I can’t slip back to that place; there’s too much at stake. I need to think about my son and his needs. I can’t have Thomas mixed up in our messy relationship. He’s far too important for that. He deserves nothing but joy and happiness.

“No, don’t do this. Don’t toy with me Beau.”

“I’m not,” he insists, managing to look a little hurt. “What would make you think that?”

I don’t reply.

Instead, I simply give him a withering look as I push past him, and get into the car. None of this feels right. How the hell are we going to get through this day?

I’m not sure we can.