Knocked up by the Mountain Man (Silver Ridge Mountain Men)

23. Clara

23

CLARA

G uilt gnaws at me.

I haven’t told him yet.

Any of it.

I’m so scared of everything falling apart, but I know that I need to.

About Thomas. And my pregnancy.

But now isn’t the time…

“So, where are we going today?” I ask Beau nervously as he picks us up for a day out that he’s been planning for us. “I’m sure you want it to be a surprise, but I can assure you that Thomas doesn’t do well with shocks. He prefers to know where he’s headed. Sorry about that.”

Beau tosses his head back and laughs. “You know what? I was the same way when I was young. There’s a carnival just out of town, in Bozeman, that I thought we could go to. There are stands and rides, a kids play area, that sort of thing.”

Thomas cheers loudly behind me, causing me to nod in pleasure. It sounded perfect, just the sort of thing Thomas will love. I’ve been meaning to do things like that with him, to make sure that he’s enjoying himself as much as he can now at Silver Ridge, but I haven’t really had the chance to do so. Plus, he seemed so settled here, it stopped being a priority. But now, Beau is making it happen. Because he’s awesome.

I’m going to study Thomas and Beau together today, to see how they bond with one another. If things go well, like I’m starting to think that they might, then I won’t put it off any longer. I’m finally going to tell Beau everything. I’ve tried endlessly to find a way to start that conversation and just can’t figure out how to do it.

But I’ll have to find a way somehow.

“Well, it looks like you’re on to a winner,” I chuckle. “I think we should get going before his head explodes.”

Beau agrees and we all climb into the car together. Spirits are high as we drive towards the carnival. Jokes and banter fly around the car, we even sing along to the radio together. It feels far more like a family day out than anything I’ve ever experienced before. Maybe a very long time ago, before I lost my mom and dad, but in recent years, this is it.

I have a feeling that Beau might even take the news well if I spilled it out right now… just here, in the car. I kinda want to as well, to just let it free, but this isn’t going to be news just for Beau. Thomas has no idea either, and I can’t let him know this way. It isn’t right.

However, the fact that I finally want to tell him is a good sign. It makes me feel like today really is the day.

By the time we get home tonight, maybe we’ll be a family. A real one. Beau has pretty much let me know that he wants to be with me in his own special way, so knowing that we kinda all belong to him anyway will only make that stronger.

Eventually, we arrive and find a parking space in the very busy parking lot before heading inside the carnival for our day of fun to begin. True to his word, Beau focuses on making sure that we have the best time ever. He plays carnival games with us, winning all kinds of prizes. As if Thomas needed any more toys to play with, he has a room full of them at Wyatt’s. Beau even goes on rides with Thomas to give me a little peace. I find myself watching them intently, wondering if they would be happy to learn that they’re father and son.

They already look the part. I’m sure that anyone watching would immediately assume that. And not just because they look so similar but because of their natural bond. I’ve done what I could to keep them apart so they wouldn’t figure things out for themselves, yet they’ve bonded rapidly despite that. Nature has won out.

Yep, I need to say those words today, I tell myself decidedly. It won’t be difficult if I don’t make it that way.

“Hey, Thomas, shall we go and get some food?” Beau asks, as soon as they get off the ride. Thomas looks at him with admiration, like he is the coolest person ever. How little he knows.

“Get a hot dog and fries for Mommy?”

“Yes, we can do it, Mommy,” Thomas insists, wanting to be a big man around Beau. “You sit here and wait for us.”

“Is that okay?” I want to check with Beau first, not just assume. He isn’t just here for a day of free child care. Of course, he’s totally fine with it. Just as I knew he would be. “I’ll make sure we have somewhere to sit then.”

I watch them walk off, smiling to myself like an idiot as they go, eventually settling down at a table, waiting for them to return. As I sit by myself, I look around me, enjoying the happiness of the people walking past me, wrapped up in their own family joy. It gives me a special kind of hope that everything is going to be just fine in the end.

We’ll soon be one of those families, completely wrapped up in our joy and happiness, not worrying about anyone else in the world because we have each other. The warmth of the fantasy wraps around me like a hug.

“Clara? Is that you?” A sharp voice breaks through my happiness, bringing me back to earth with a horrifying thump. “My God, it is you. I thought I saw you the other day, but I figured no way you’d be back and not to visit me.”

“Uncle,” shit, it’s happening, really happening. He’s here and glaring at me with milky drunken eyes. Behind him stands a young woman, girl really, with a cigarette in one hand, a beer in the other, her kid’s shoes dangling off one finger. She smirks at me, like she knows something about me, like my uncle has been filling her head with lies. “I... I...”

“Are you a vet or something?” He staggers a little closer towards me, too wasted to be here really. Especially since his girlfriend, I presume that’s her status, is drinking as well and they’re in charge of a child. “I heard rumors...”

“I don’t think we need to have a conversation here,” I try to be tight lipped and in control, but it’s hard as emotions surge through my body. “Perhaps we can... talk another time? A more convenient time.”

“Love, if you were coming to see me, then you would have done so already. I think that we can say whatever we want to right here in this public place.”

I can’t look at him anymore. I don’t want him to see that my eyes have filled with tears and that I’m a fucking emotional wreck because of him. I know my uncle, and he hasn’t changed at all in the last few years. He used to love having power and control over me, and clearly still does. He gets some sort of sick kick out of it. I focus on diffusing the situation and getting the hell away from him before Beau and Thomas return. I can’t have a scene, it’ll be too much. A wonderful day ruined.

“Mommy!” Oh no, I’m too late. Thomas comes running and flings himself into my arms. I love hugging my boy but with my uncle’s beady eyes boring into me I feel uncomfortable as hell. “We got hot dogs, fries, and toffee apples.”

My uncle’s cheeks burn red with rage. I know what’s coming before it does.

“Is that the bastard child? The one that I told you to get rid of before you ran off like some teenage slut living on the streets?” My eyes hang low, but not because of my uncle’s remarks, but because Beau is going to figure things out before I can talk to him properly. “Didn’t I give you money to abort that thing? I didn’t want to have to look after you, never mind some idiot boy’s baby. And you never even knew who the father was, did you? Some boy that was your ‘boyfriend’ but since you didn’t give me a name, I never knew...”

“I could have used your help,” I reply in the steadiest voice I can manage. “But you never helped me, you didn’t care. It was easier for you to have me run off. I never actually took the abortion money, if you’ll remember, because that wasn’t an option. When you wouldn’t help, I left.”

“Left and made a mess of your life by the look of it,” he sneers as his girlfriend laughs before swigging some more of her beer. She half-heartedly looks around for her child but seems to find no one. “I bet you’re a drug addled whore as well. All teenage runaways are. Not a vet, that’s just a cover up. Someone like you could never amount to anything.”

“Clara is a very successful vet.” Much to my surprise, especially after what he’s just heard, Beau jumps to my defense. He actually stands in front of me and Thomas to take the hits for us, which he really doesn’t need to do. “No thanks to you. You were supposed to be her guardian at the hardest time of her life. You were supposed to help her when she had nothing, and you didn’t. You forced her to live a life of hell with you, then let her live on the streets when she needed you the most.”

“She ain’t my kid,” my uncle remains as belligerent as ever. “Not my responsibility.”

Even Beau can see that there’s no getting through to him. This is just a pointless argument that can only upset Thomas the most. “If you don’t want shit to become your problem, I suggest you get out of here.”

“What you gonna do? Use your money to take me down, Marshall? Huh? You think you’re like your dad.”

“I don’t think you want to find out.”

The stand off doesn’t last long, despite his false bravado, my uncle soon vanishes. But it doesn’t feel like anyone has won.

Not when I can see the cogs ticking around in Beau’s brain piecing things together.

Shit.