Late Nights & Love Lines (Single Dad Hotline #2)

20. Caring is a gift

20

CARING IS A GIFT

ROWAN

I wake with a start when strong hands touch me. My eyes fly open, and I tense, ready to protect myself, when Sebastian’s easy smile comes into view.

“Shh,” he whispers, lifting me into his arms. “Your neck is going to hurt like hell if you sleep curled up that way any longer.”

I hadn’t meant to fall asleep, but I forgot how exhausting it is to give yourself over to a full-body cry.

“Miles,” I say, stiffening and wiggling in his arms until he finally sets me on my feet, but he keeps me close.

“I’m taking you to him,” he says.

“But…” Oh, crap. Please don’t cry again. “I’m not family.” Those words have been causing so much anguish for hours, and I don’t know how to process that.

“You stayed,” he says, his voice rough as commercial-grade sandpaper. “I’d love to see them try to take you away now.” Then he takes my hand in his and leads me through a maze of hallways.

“I needed to know that he was okay. I… It’s my fault for not noticing he wasn’t feeling well earlier.”

He stops abruptly, and I stumble into him. Curling up in the fetal position on a hospital chair was probably not my smartest move. All of my limbs are stiff, making me more wobbly than normal.

“It’s not your fault,” he says vehemently. Then he bends at his knees, so we’re nose to nose. “The doctor said it would have been almost impossible to detect any sooner than we did. Even if he had pain earlier, we would have assumed he had a stomach bug first.”

I don’t reply because it was my job to take care of him and while he slept on my lap, I was too busy freaking out over stupid family dynamics.

Thankfully, Sebastian doesn’t press and takes my hand in his, or tries to. I’m still clutching a piece of paper between my fingers.

Holding it up, I hand it to him. “I—I made you my emergency contact.”

Sebastian’s entire face shines with emotion. “I see that,” he says quietly as he scans the form I handed him. He gently folds up the piece of paper the nurse gave me and puts it in his back pocket. “Thank you for this, Rowan. I don’t think you have any idea how much it means to me.”

Does he know how monumental it is for me too? Holding my hand tightly in his, he pulls me down the hallway and into Miles’s room.

As soon as I enter, my knees knock together. He looks so small, so fragile lying there completely helpless and pale.

“They moved us to a private room about twenty minutes ago.”

I drift closer to his bed without thought and scan Miles to confirm he’s breathing, resting, healing.

Sebastian comes to my side, and together we just…stare at his little boy.

I was sad when I left little Lucy and her family, the first child I became dangerously attached to. I’ve clung to the pain of that leaving as a reminder to not get too close, but it’s nothing compared to the fear of thinking Miles might not survive.

Sebastian rests his hand over mine and rubs my knuckles, encouraging them to relax their shaking hold on the railing of the hospital bed.

“He’s going to be fine, Rowan.” His assurance doesn’t placate the fear still surrounding me with a sickening aura. I don’t think anything will ease the death grip it has on me until I see this little boy open his eyes.

“Did you call his mom?”

His fingers tighten their grip on mine.

“I tried,” he sighs. “I got ahold of her dad again, but the results are the same. She’s gone off the grid, and I have no idea how to reach her.”

“At least you tried,” I say. “You’re a good man, Sebastian Walker.”

He wraps an arm around me, and for once, I welcome the embrace.

But there’s also a sickening sense of dread swirling in my gut because I’m already in too deep with this family. The ticking clock that lives inside my head as my own life’s metronome is out of sync. The rhythm is now wild and unpredictable.

I don’t know how to survive its new beat, and I fear that when the clock finally stops, I’ll be the one blown to bits.

“How you doing, kiddo?” Pappy pushes a cup of tea my way, then slides onto the bench next to me.

We’re sitting in the kitchen, awake hours before Seren or Kade will stir because we’re both anxious for Miles to come home today.

“I’m fine. How are you holding up? It’s been a tough couple of days.”

He pats my forearm. “It’s been tough on all of us, Row. It’s hard to see someone you love in so much pain.”

I open my mouth to tell him I’m sorry for his pain but can’t. He was talking about both of us and even though my mind is saying it’s not love I’m feeling, my heart is rapidly beating those thoughts into submission.

“Everyone loves in their own way,” he says, his voice coarse with age. “Just because your love looks different doesn’t mean it’s any less powerful. Seren and Kade needed you these last couple of days, and you gave pieces of yourself I’ve never known you to share. That’s love, Rowan.”

That’s love.

Is it? I’m not sure I ever thought about what love looks like other than what’s fed to us through movies, filled with laughs and hugs, or how my family presented it filled with intentional pain.

It never occurred to me that neither of those scenarios fully encompasses what love is.

Because you’ve never allowed yourself to think about love in terms of anything but how it ends.

“I’m glad I could be here for them,” I say. Lifting the mug of tea to my lips, I blow on it and chance a peek at Pappy.

He sits, smiling at me as if he can hear all my thoughts before I can.

“Have you told him about Lottie yet?”

Shame heats my cheeks. Lottie dropped not one, but two bombs on me in the last couple of days. One, she has to kick the Walkers out of the Nanny camp event because Seren has apparently become a legend among the other campers who are now attempting to continue her reign as prank-a-nanny queen.

But it’s the other reason that makes the tea scald my throat on its way down—my dream job.

Or what I’ve always thought my dream was…but today, that job feels closer to a betrayal. I just haven’t sorted out what to do about it yet.

“Not yet,” I finally admit without making eye contact. “Sebastian’s had a lot on his mind. It wouldn’t be fair of me to drop either of those on him while he’s still in the hospital with a sick kid.”

“Mm-hmm,” Pappy hums. “Don’t run from love because it’s scary, kiddo. You’re stronger than that. Running only allows your family to keep winning because it keeps all the power in their hands. Maybe instead of running away from what you fear, it might be time to run toward it and face it head-on—” He stops abruptly and stares over my shoulder.

“Hey,” Seren says. Her tone is solemn, and she doesn’t appear to have slept at all.

Guilt is written all over her face. She’s had two pranks go off recently. One was nanny cabin with the walkie-talkie incident, but it was last night’s prank that was Lottie’s final straw. Somehow, she managed to climb up to each ceiling fan in one of the cabins and line each blade with baby powder.

When the nannies settled in for the night, someone turned on the switch for the fans, and the entire room was covered in white powder.

No one can prove that one was Seren, but her history was enough for every nanny to refuse any job offers from Sebastian.

The worst part is how my chest flooded with warmth at the knowledge that no one would replace me while my head was screaming the same sentiment with a much different feeling attached to it.

My emotions and my mind have never been at such odds before.

“Hey,” I say. “Are you hungry?” There’s no sense in ripping into her again. I’ve already explained how she’ll be cleaning the cabin today and will probably be grounded for a long time to come. But I’m pretty sure it’s the lecture her dad will deliver that’s weighing the heaviest on her.

“No,” she mutters as she slides in next to Pappy.

I smile. He’s who I would turn to if I were in her shoes too.

“He’s going to kill me,” she whispers.

“Life always has consequences, kid. It’s better you learn to face them now than grow up to be an adult who can’t handle hard truths.” Pappy doesn’t sugarcoat it and tell her it’ll be fine. But he does tuck her into his side and hug her tightly.

“I just don’t get why you kept at it. Surely you understand that while you’re older, your brothers need more care when your dad’s at work.” Okay, so maybe I’m not going to push it under the rug this morning.

Seren picks at her fingernail with her head down, but I still see the slight tremor of her chin.

“I’m here for you. I thought we had an understanding and we were going to do this stuff to your dad. What changed?”

Pappy chuckles. “He could use some loosening up, but Row’s right, this isn’t you, kiddo. What’s goin’ on?”

“Those nannies are all highly qualified, and trust me, Lottie has thoroughly vetted them,” I say. “I know nothing is easy right now, but having someone you can count on will be a good thing.”

She lifts her gaze to me, and her glare sends a shiver racing over my exposed skin—she’s never looked so cold. The ice in her green eyes could cover the room in frost. “Like I can count on you?”

Her words hit hard. “I—I was never supposed to be permanent, Ser.”

“And you’re going to leave. It doesn’t matter who takes your place as long as someone does, right?”

“No, that’s not?—”

“Forget it,” she says, standing abruptly. “Everyone says we need a nanny. We need to bring someone else into our lives, but no one has ever asked me who I wanted. No one cares about me or how I feel. No one cares that the one person I want to stay is already planning to leave. No one cares.”

“That’s not true.” My voice wobbles, and she probably doesn’t even hear me as she runs from the room. “I might care too much,” I whisper.

“Oh, Rowan. I thought you were smarter than that,” Pappy chides. “There’s no such thing as caring too much when you’re caring about the right people.”

He’s slow to slide off the bench, but as soon as he’s close enough, he places his hands on my biceps. Holding me at arm’s length, Pappy stares directly into my eyes.

“Carin’ about someone else is the greatest gift on earth. I’d sure hate to see you miss out because you’re too scared of your past to embrace your future.” His thumbs caress the skin on my arms, and I drag my watery gaze to his. “I’m gonna go track down Seren.”

With a final squeeze, he releases me and leaves me alone, his words and my thoughts screaming into the silence.

When we enter yellow cabin number twenty-two, because of course it’s that wretched number, my mouth drops open.

“Oh, Ser. You’re in big, big trouble,” Kade says with eyes the size of saucers.

And he’s not wrong. I’ve never seen anything as jaw-dropping as this. White powder covers every square inch of the place. The only clean spots are where the nannies must have removed their stuff. Covertly, I take a picture of the scene before me for Instagram later.

Leo had all their items professionally cleaned and will send the bill to Sebastian.

Seren doesn’t say anything as she rolls in the vacuum behind her.

“How did you even get up there?” I ask, pointing to the rafters. For a camp cabin, the ceiling is remarkably high.

“I didn’t,” she grumbles, then crouches down, running her hands all over the vacuum cleaner.

Has she ever even used one of those things?

“What do you mean you didn’t? Who did?” Unease begins to crawl up my spine with spider-like tingles.

“Does it matter?”

Kade drops to the floor and starts drawing with his finger in the powder.

“Yeah, it does matter.”

Her gaze cuts to mine, and I read all the doubt, fear, and loneliness swimming in her irises.

“You didn’t do this, did you?” I ask.

Now that I’ve seen the mess myself, I’m sure she wouldn’t have had time to pull off this prank. She wasn’t alone long enough at any point in the day to have done it.

“No one’s going to believe me anyway, so can you please show me how to turn this thing on so I can get this over with?” The sadness in her voice makes my stomach twist painfully.

I cross the room and bend at the knees so we’re at eye level.

“I’ll believe you. Even though you’ve gone back on your word not to prank the nannies, if you tell me that you didn’t do this, I will believe you.”

“Why?” She grunts. Her gaze darts around the room frantically, attempting to avoid my eyes.

Why is a great question. But there’s only one answer, so I go with the truth.

“Because apparently trust is earned, but it goes both ways, and I need you to trust me even when I make mistakes too. And because I care about you. I’m not good at this part of things. I don’t know what to do when I care too much because I never let it happen, but here we are.”

“Are you going to leave?” she whispers. Her gut-wrenching gaze fills with unshed tears that she aggressively tries to wipe away.

“I—” The truth is, I don’t know. My answer has always been that I leave—it’s what I do. I don’t know how to stay past an end date. “I can’t make any promises, Ser.” Her entire body heaves, and Kade runs over to wrap his arms around his sister’s neck. “What I can promise is that I’ll stay until your dad finds someone that you all love. In September, I’ll have to…well, I’ll have to reevaluate my assignments.”

What if he never finds someone?

I push the thought from my head. I can only deal with today—my insides seize. I can only deal with the todays and tomorrows.

What if todays and tomorrows turn into months and years?

“That plan stinks,” Kade grumbles. “Just stay with us. Why won’t you stay?”

“I’m not sure I know how.” It’s a truth that has them both staring at me as if I told them I was an alien.

Kade’s face crumples in confusion, but Seren? She stares at me as if she understands something I don’t, and it’s unnerving that a twelve-year-old can have that type of insight.

“I didn’t do this,” she says quietly.

“Do you know who did?”

She shrugs and won’t look me in the eye. She doesn’t want to be a snitch.

I brought her here with no intention of helping her clean up her mess, but when I find nothing but honesty in her glassy eyes, I pick up the vacuum handle and turn it on.

I toss Kade a rag and show him how to wipe down the walls. He makes more of a mess than he is helpful, but it keeps him busy while Seren and I tackle the impossible feat of eradicating baby powder from every nook and cranny.