Learning to Love (New Zealand Sailing #1)

Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE

Sam

A speed camera flashes on the Harbor Bridge, the main link between the northern suburbs to the town centre. The tide is in, and the light winds are making the yachts bob up and down on the water's surface.

In my rush homeward, I'm speeding on the highway like I'm racing on the ocean. My pulse is up, my head feels leaden, and my thoughts are jumbled. I can't think straight.

Off the bridge, it's straight into another world of older style houses and more compact gardens on one side, and skyscrapers on the other side.

15 minutes. That's how long it takes from my house in Bella Vista to Ellie's house. As I wait for my garage door to open, I start thinking I could turn around, fly over the bridge and be back at her house in only 15 minutes. That's faster than an average sailing race lap. I could go back, say all the right things, do all the right things.

I park up, and enter my house through an inside door. As I stand in the hallway, I'm trying to remember why I bought this particular place. It seemed nice and cozy, a good area. Big enough for what I need, but not too big. Good entertaining, nice outdoor flow. Having come from Ellie's house, I feel like I'm in a fucking mausoleum. No laughter, no dog barking. I don't even have plants. Don't want them dying while I'm away.

I walk to my room to take a shower, and as the lukewarm water washes over my body I can't help but think of Ellie. Annoyed because I'm getting hard again at the thought of her, I dry briskly and put fresh clothes on.

The walls are trapping me in. Maybe I should go for a drive. No, I can't do that. I pace around the open plan kitchen. I'll go for a run. It's Sunday morning, perfect timing.

I pick up my phone and message Corey to see if he's keen to run together for an hour or so. He replies back straight away that he's up for it, and he'll see me here in ten.

If I continue pacing up and down like this, I'm probably going to tear a hole in the flooring. I decide to stand outside and look at the birds instead. Is that a tui bird call? I think I heard one this morning by Ellie's house.

Oh, for fuck's sake! I cover my face with my hands, then go back inside. The scrap of paper with her number on it is where I'd left it, on the kitchen counter. I'm going to have to throw it away, it's just too tempting.

Through the window, I see Corey's parking up outside on the street, and waving at me. I pick up my phone and keys, put on my sunglasses and cap, and give in. I pick up the piece of paper with Ellie's number, and throw it in the outside bin on the way out.

“Hey hey, bro. How's it going?” Corey's cheerful as always, and wraps me in a bear hug. He probably wouldn't have made such a mess of everything with Ellie. Thinking of Corey with Ellie makes bile rise up my throat.

“You look a bit green, bro. Too much booze yesterday at Paddy's?” Corey's a tease. He knows me too well to think I'd drink too much.

“Nah. Let's get on with it. I say we run to the Marina, then back up the hill. Stop for a coffee on the way. How does that sound?” I'm keen for a punishing run, to make me think about anything else.

“Whoa. That's mean, man. We're going to be dead by the time we get back.” Corey's a fitness fanatic, he's definitely joking.

“Last one buys the coffees” I throw behind my shoulder as I start running.

Corey laughs easily and catches up to me. We run in silence for the first 5 minutes, and I can tell he keeps looking at me from time to time, wanting to say something. As we stop at a traffic light, he's ready to burst.

“So, what's going on? What's really going on?” He emphasises, like it wasn't obvious.

I lean against the pole, and stretch my legs, pondering what and how much I should say. We've been sailing together for over 10 years now, closer to 15. He knows me very well, but Ellie is something else.

“Nothing”.

The green man comes on, and we start running again at a steady pace. We run past tree-lined streets, wooden painted houses, and the urban landscape changes to city streets and tall apartment blocks.

A few moments later, Corey picks up the conversation like nothing happened. “Nothing like what? Is it … a girl?” Though I'm not very good with making out the meaning behind people's inflections, even I can tell he's incredulous.

“Don't know why you're so shocked. You always see girls. I bet you weren't home last night”, I poke him.

“I wasn't. Were you?” He lowers his sunglasses as if to really look at me.

Silence.

“I can't fucking believe it. Tell me everything, from start to finish. Including why the fuck are we running close to 30km on a Sunday morning in high heat.”

“You're not going to like it, Corey”. I start apologetically.

“I'm not going to like it because you're you, and you can't just do casual like the rest of us, you have to promise marriage to all of them”. His words cut through me like a razor, and I retreat in my silence again.

My failed engagement to Laura was a sore point. I was under no pretensions that we were in love, but someone told me friendship was a solid base for a good match. That may be true, but in our case it wasn't enough.

Corey sighs, from what feels like the depths of his soul. “I'm sorry bro. I don't want to see you hurt, that's all. Plus what about racing? We're going away training up North from tomorrow. Your mind needs to be focused on that, and the competitions we've got coming up”.

He's right, he's not telling me anything I don't know. People in our position with stable relationships are very far between. Much easier to not get involved.

We reach the Marina where yachts are lined up in the sun. There's hustle and bustle, families with kids eating ice creams and waiting for their turn to board dolphin safari tours. We turn around before anyone could recognise us, and make our way towards my house again.

The run is uphill, much more challenging, but I push on, Corey's words running through my mind. We stop at my local café for a flat white coffee. By this time I'd forgotten about our bet, whomever comes last pays for coffee. I absentmindedly order two double shot flat whites and pay.

The café doubles as a roastery, selecting and roasting their own coffee beans for the best flavor. I scan the walls for art prints, and I see one I think Ellie would like, with a puppy and a flower. I inwardly curse at myself for falling too hard, too fast.

“So who's this mystery girl? How did you meet?” Corey's interrogation continues. “Does she know the meme about you, with the seagull?”. Not that again.

“Ha ha. Whoever made that meme should get their ass pecked by that seagull. Anyway. Her name is Ellie, she's a daycare teacher”.

Corey's eyebrows shoot so far up that I can't help but laugh.

“Mate. Mate. That's the most land-based occupation ever.”

I nod, but smile sadly. Another reminder of how oceans apart Ellie and I are.

“She's friends with Gracie. We met there yesterday, at the barbecue. I went to her place in Hillcrest. Came back home this morning”.

The barista hands over our coffees and we stroll back to my house instead of running. I'm reminded of the coffee Ellie made me, and more importantly what happened afterwards.

Corey keeps throwing me curious glances.

“Never seen you like this, Sam. You're… unsettled”. He seems to choose his words carefully. “Not sure I like it”.

“I don't like it either”. It's the truth, I don't like feeling this way. Needy. Ready to drop everything for her.

It's only been one night, not like we've even been on a date. I don't know her parents' names. I don't know what toppings she likes on her pizza. Does she get seasick?

I do know how she lights up a room with a smile. I also know how she felt when I made her come. Her little smiles and silly jokes.

“Oh man. Will you see her again?” Sometimes I feel like Corey can see through my thoughts, and I hate that. We've reached my house now, and we're standing outside, coffee cups nearly empty.

“No. I didn't keep her number. It's all too messy.”

Corey shakes his head, pats me on the back, and walks towards his car.

“Aren't you coming in?” I'm surprised he's heading off so soon.

“Nah, bro, I need to pack up for tomorrow. You should do the same. They pick us up around 4am.”

“That's early. Ok, cool. See you tomorrow”. I wave at him as he speeds off.

I have an early lunch, and pack my bags for a few days away, including wetsuits and other gear. The rest of the day passes in a blur, and I don't even know when evening comes.

I haven't stopped thinking about Ellie, and replaying our time together in my head. In my last memory of her, she's standing in the doorway of that 50s home, waving at me as I'm leaving without saying goodbye.

I go to bed, and sigh deeply knowing I won't be able to rest. If this is my first real taste of heartbreak, then I definitely don't want any more.

The alarm wakes me up with a jolt at exactly 3:30am. I've barely slept a wink, haunted by dreams of Ellie. I made myself come twice, hoping to get some rest afterwards. I tried imagining other women, various celebrities, even exes, anything. The only thing that made me come each time was remembering how good she felt in my arms.

I take a cold shower, and by the time I'm ready to get out, my phone starts vibrating. The guys are outside. The night air is fresh, with the jacaranda fragrance filling the air. One of the guys helps me load up my gear on the bus, and I get on. I hear a tui bird call.

The bus drives on into the dark, through the inner suburbs, then on the highway up North, past the bridge, past the junction for Ellie's house, and beyond the horizon.

The guys chat about everything under the sun, from boats, to sails, to racing, until the topic turns to women. I groan inwardly. It's not even 6am. I pretend I'm asleep to escape the chatter, but it seems they have other plans.

“Sam, we know you're awake. Have you seen that meme?” Jake pushes his phone in my face. Bane of my existence, that fucking stupid meme.

“It's a seagull, and it says Sam's new girl”. They laugh wholeheartedly. I usually love their humour, but on a day like today when I feel like death on legs, and I'm pining for Ellie, it's too much.

“Yeah yeah. What's for breakfast?” I mumble and try to settle back down to rest. Or at least pretend I'm resting.

“How long since you last scored, Sam?” Florian, our German grinder, is quick to ask.

Corey clears his throat, I roll my eyes, and resign myself to the fact they won't leave me alone. I take a bite out of a protein bar. “Yesterday”.

I'm prepared for all the guffaws and whistles. Such a team of louts. Even Jay, the gentle giant of the team, is chiming in. They all need a good dunk in the cold water. I finish my protein bar, take a glug of water, and stare out the window avoiding further conversation.

Nobody asks anymore questions, and the next two days pass in a buzz of activity, training from sunrise to sundown, in all winds and weather. The mast of our ultralight carbon fiber boat stands 70 feet tall, dwarfing all other yachts in the area.

When I'm on the water I don't have time to think about Ellie. I push myself and the team harder and harder each time, and we achieve speeds that wow.

On Wednesday, the night before we're due to go back home, we all sit in a club room at the local sailing club. Some are having whisky, some are playing cards. I'm doing both, but failing miserably at cards.

“Jake, how does your wife feel about you being gone all the time? How do you make it work?” The words were out of my mouth before I could take them back, and all eyes turned on me. Corey leaned forward. Perhaps Jake gave me an odd look, but I couldn't tell.

“Give and take, mate. It's not easy. Got to prioritise. My Natalie, she's one in a million. I'm a lucky bastard.” He puts down his cards.

His answer doesn't really satisfy me. How could I make it work with Ellie if I'm never around? It wouldn't be fair to her. She needs someone to be there, at least some of the time. I take another sip of the whisky. So peaty it nearly makes my eyes water.

“Do you have a girl?” Jake's eyes change, in the same way Corey's eyes did when I first told him about Ellie.

“Maybe”. I try to act nonchalant about it but can't quite make it.

“This girl, is she worth it?” Jake continues to stare me down. Nobody makes a sound in the club room.

“Yes. She's one in a million, like your Nat”. For the first time, I voice how I truly feel about Ellie.

“Keep her then. But when you're with us, your whole being needs to be focused on racing. No ifs, no buts. While you're at the helm, you're responsible for our lives”. I shiver at Jake's words.

Sensing the atmosphere's getting heavy, Corey raises his glass: “Enough with the heavy stuff. Sam got LAID guys. With an actual woman! Wooohoo”. Everyone bursts out laughing after this rambunctious toast, and they start singing “For he's a jolly good fellow...

On my way to go to sleep in my bunk, Corey comes to see me.

“You need to call her. Or at least text her, Sam. It's been three days.”

My smile fades. “I got rid of her phone number. I'm an idiot”.

“She knows Paddy, right? Ask him, he'll know. Or at least Gracie will”. Corey is full of ideas.

“I've screwed up badly, Corey. I didn't even kiss her goodbye. I ran out of there like Roadrunner. I can't call her.” I finally admit my shame.

“You're an idiot. An ass. A barnacle. Less than a barnacle. An amoeba”. I can see Corey's running fast out of insults, and he’s an inventive guy, so this comes as a surprise.

I'm mulling over an idea. “She works at a daycare. I could wait for her after work, take her for a coffee. Explain myself, see if she'll take me back”. My heart's soaring at the thought of seeing Ellie again.

Corey lifts one brow, and crosses his arms. “God help you, son. You need all the luck you can get. Alright. I'm off to bed, big day tomorrow, long trip back”.

I go to my bunk and enter straight away into the land of dreams, populated by Ellie and the ocean.