Little Miss Santa Claws

13. Missy

CHAPTER 13

Missy

M y father’s office looks exactly the way I remember it, and yet, it’s different. I don’t feel excitement as I look upon the magical items filling the shelves, the framed blueprints covering the walls, the desk in the center that is still cluttered with the pieces of his last project. I just feel empty.

Because the thing I most looked forward to seeing in this room is gone, and it’s never coming back. It’s just a room.

I turn my attention to Nicole as she takes in my father’s life for the first time. She inches toward the nearest bookshelf, reaching out to trace the curve of a glass orb—an outdated version of the time sphere that spins within the sleigh’s engine. The magic has been waning from this one for quite some time. Only a faint thread of blue light continues to swirl within the orb’s boundaries. Her fingertips graze past the orb to a row of books. They’re nothing special, just old volumes filled with North Pole history, but she stares at them with a certain twinkle in her eyes.

I feel the smallest burst of pride warm my chest.

Nicole continues her investigation of the room, and I follow close behind, letting her enthusiasm infect me. I let her poison kill my numbness, and as the pain sinks in, I’m grateful for it. Her attention and admiration bring the memories attached to this room back to life. She touches the old shelves and walls, and it stirs pinpricks of light in my soul.

My chest aches with longing for the things I will never experience again. Sitting at my father’s side as he tinkers with his inventions. Sharing milk and cookies with my brother as I help him study the protocols of his Claus birthright. He always struggled to dedicate time and energy to it, even as children, but Father could never pry those old books out of my hand.

This life was my dream, but after all the family sacrificed to get me here, the Claus birthright has lost its luster. I didn’t realize how much resentment I carried as a result until now.

I still love the North Pole. I love the magic. I love my new purpose.

I just wish I could have had it all. I would have rather had my family—my father and my siblings still here, with me. I would have rather been unhappy, uncertain of my future, than alone.

“This picture is beautiful. Is that you and your dad?”

Tugged by Nicole’s voice, I turn to find her bent over my father’s desk, pointing at a picture frame near one corner.

I join her behind the desk.

In the picture, my father is sitting at this very same desk, in his large oval chair, and I’m sitting on the edge of his desk beside him, a tool in my hand and a toothy smile on my face. His kind eyes burn into me. He’s wearing his trusty overalls, and his beard is braided with my hair ribbons.

I smile. “Yes, that’s my father and me. This was just before my little sister was born. My father dragged me along on all his duties for that entire orbit—my mother was sick, and I was too young to be left alone. She picked up some sort of virus from the human world that wouldn’t leave her alone, being mostly human herself. She died in childbirth the very next season. Auntie Mags stepped in to take care of me and my sister after that, but she could hardly keep me away from the workshop. Something about those months at my father’s side just… stuck with me.”

Nicole steps closer, caressing my back. “I think it’s very telling that the only picture in this room is one of you and him,” she says gently. “It’s like he always knew you would take up his mantle, even if he never voiced it.”

The truth of her words slams into me. I blink rapidly as tears fill my eyes, but they brim over before I can stop them. “I never thought about it like that,” I choke out.

I lean in to look at the photo a little closer.

My father is looking at me, and this is the first time I’ve ever seen the pride in his eyes, in his smile. He was so happy to have me at his side. Could it be true? Did he suspect I was the true heir of the Claus birthright?

The thought brings with it an indescribable wave of peace.

Nicole is still watching me, so I straighten and return her stare. She inches close and swipes a tear from my cheek with her thumb. “I wish I could take a picture of you right now.”

I laugh. “A picture?”

She averts her eyes, glancing again at the picture on the desk before letting her gaze wander to the rest of the room. “I used to take pictures all the time, of anything, everything,” she explains slowly. “I had this old camera my father gave me, and I carried it around with me for most of my childhood. I must have taken millions of pictures of my family. Happy. Together. When my father left, I took my camera out to the backyard and pummeled it with a baseball bat. Then, I took the hard drive with all the photos I’d taken of our family and burned it in a fire pit. Some of them my sister had copies of, but most were lost. I wish I could return to that day. I would have saved the pictures. I would have saved my camera.”

I nod, turning around to sit on the edge of the desk. “You never thought about getting a new one?”

Nicole shrugs. “It was more than a camera to me. It was what the camera meant, who it came from. I was so angry with my dad that I tried to destroy every connection between us. I was too young to realize people are complicated. I set aside my passion because it was, in part, a piece of him . I couldn’t separate the two. Sometimes, I still think I’ll never be able to.”

“That must have been hard.”

A sad smile twists her lips. “I did it to myself.”

“Still,” I insisted. “I know what it’s like to feel loss when doing the things I love the most. It makes living true to yourself harder…but more meaningful too, I think.”

She huffed a quiet laugh, shaking her head. “You know, when my marriage ended, I thought my life was over. But then I realized I’d stopped living a long time ago. I’d been frozen. There were years of my life I wasted because I had forgotten myself. The night he left, I cried and screamed and tore our whole apartment to shreds. I ripped up the fake life I’d built. Then, I mourned on the kitchen floor until all the wine in our pantry was gone and I ran out of glassware to shatter. When I finally looked up, I saw that the sun was rising. Time was still ticking by. And in that moment, I realized that what I was going through wasn’t just an ending. It was a beginning, and I could either choose to embrace it, or I could keep sitting on my kitchen floor surrounded by broken glass and my unhappiness. I wish I could say my unhappiness faded when I stood, but it didn’t. But despite my anger and fear and despair, I did it. I moved on with time. I think that’s all that matters, in the end. Living, even when you don’t want to, even when you aren’t sure what living means to you anymore.”

There it is. That glimmer of believer, finally rising to the surface.

I reach forward and brush a dark curl out of her face, and her eyes meet mine. “You should do what you love again, Nicole, even if it makes you sad sometimes. Buy a new camera. Search for the beauty in everything. Capture it.”

Her breath catches. “My passion is leading me somewhere else at this particular moment.”

I raise my eyebrows, somewhat stunned by the blatant lust in her words, and then she’s kissing me. Her lips are plush and eager, and they taste like chocolate.

Addicting.

I want to sink my teeth into her skin and devour her piece by piece. I have to force my Krampus to stay contained. My dark form wants out. It wants to possess her, own her. It wants to keep her here forever. My own little human to love, spoil, and protect.

I can’t give my Krampus control, though. It’ll scare her.

Humans aren’t accustomed to our intense elven instincts. We’re more animal than human when it comes to mating.

Nicole wraps her arms around my back, drawing me into her, and I let my body relax into hers. Her skin is warm and soft, and I suddenly want to know what her arousal tastes like. I want to know what it feels like mixing with mine. When her tongue prods its way into my mouth, I wrap my lips around it and suck, combing my fingers into her messy bun and tugging.

Her breathless moan rattles through me, raw enough to take my breath away.

She presses me more firmly against the desk, and I know I need to redirect these activities to the house before we wind up naked on top of my father’s forgotten work.

This office isn’t mine. Not yet.

I turn my body without breaking our kiss and begin backpedaling my way to the door.

Nicole follows without a fight, her arms still banded around my abdomen, but she pulls away slightly as we stumble over the carpet and collide with the wall. “Where are you going?” she whispers, her voice throaty with desire.

I offer her a grin as my hand blindly reaches for the doorknob. “I have plans for you that require a more comfortable environment.” And a few special toys, of course.