Lost in Me (Lost Duet #1)

Chapter Six

Shawn

I guide her into the shower. I tighten my grip on her hips as we both stand under the hot water. I want to move my hands. I want to explore her, but I don’t. Patience is the key. I am surprised she has let it go this far, but I know she is scared. She is afraid I am like her ex, and I can’t blame her after what she has been through with him. If I was her, I would be afraid, too.

I am nothing like him, we are the opposite in every way possible. I am not going to lie and say I am a good man, because I am not. But what I can say is that I will never use my words, body, or behaviors to hurt her.

I will show her just how worthy she is to be treated with love and respect. She deserves the very best and so much more, and even though I don’t deserve her by any means, I will spend the rest of my life earning her, proving that my words and my actions will match in every way.

I lean in and place my lips against her ear, my chest against her back. She slowly lifts her hands and rests them on the shower wall in front of us. I am not normally this gentle or patient, but with her, it is different. It must be different.

She is special, and she will be treated as such. I have been with so many women, I can’t even remember their faces anymore. I was trying to fill the emptiness inside my chest, but there was only one face I saw. Hers. It has always been her, but she wasn’t ready for me, so I waited, but now the door is open, and I refuse to give her up.

“Let me show you what it would be like if you choose to be mine,” I whisper. She is not the only one who is nervous. She makes me just as nervous as I make her, which is funny because normally I am not like this.

“But I am not yours,” she whispers back. Her words make my heart sink because it is true. But even though it is true right now in this moment, it doesn’t sting any less. I don’t like those words leaving her mouth.

She isn’t mine, but part of me wants her to be mine, and the other part knows my world is not good for her. I am not good for her, but fuck, I can’t stop now.

A good man would stop and walk away, but I can’t do either of those no matter how logical and right it is. I guess I am just illogical and wrong, but with her, it will never feel wrong.

“You could be, Angel,” I state with as much confidence as I can. She seems to be able to make me feel like a fucking teenage boy who doesn’t have much confidence. I have never had a women question me nor challenge me, but this woman, this Angel, does both.

“Why?” she asks, making me even more confused.

“Why what?” I ask her. Her question takes me by surprise.

“Why would you want a woman like me?” she asks in a serious and stern voice. I have never been asked this before.

“Why wouldn’t I?” I answer back, not hiding my confusion. Why wouldn’t I want her? Have I made her think I don’t? This woman tests me in ways a woman has never done before. She is smart and not afraid to ask questions.

She quickly drops her hands and turns around, forcing me to let go of her hips. She leans against the wall as I lift my hands and plant them firmly on the wall above her head. I lean into her, pinning her against me and the wall.

“Shawn, look at me,” she says sternly, her eyes searching mine.

“I am looking at you,” I state softly. She doesn’t know I have been looking at her since the day she walked into my office asking for a job. It is hard not to look at her.

She and I have been playing this hot-and-cold game for years, and it is time we both give in to the desire I know we have for each other. I know she is scared. I know this is the most fucked-up time to seduce her, but I can’t help it. She drives me fucking crazy.

She shakes her head but keeps her eyes on me. “I have a lot of baggage and trauma and a crazy ex. Men like you don’t settle for women like me,” she states in a cold distance voice. I have never seen her like this before, but I have never tried anything with her. I have never seen her go on a date or talk about a boyfriend.

After meeting her ex today, I can put the puzzle together as to why. She is guarded for a reason, but I will break down her walls. I will show her that not all men are like Jesse or my birth father, for that matter. That there are good men who can treat her right, and I am one of those men, or at least I am going to try and be for her. I have a lot of work to do on myself to even begin to deserve her, but I can try the best I can right now.

I know she has asked for my protection. She never asked for what I am trying to do, but I know deep down she wants me. I can see it in her eyes. I felt it in our kiss. She could have pushed me away. She could have said no, but she didn’t, and that means she does want this. She wants me, and that is exactly what she is going to get.

Her words hit me like a thousand knives. They hurt and take me by surprise. Does she honestly fucking believe that? I lean into her more. My lips are less than an inch away from hers. She keeps her eyes on me as I take a deep breath. She challenges me in so many fucking ways.

“Is that what he told you?” I ask softly. He doesn’t deserve a name. He doesn’t even deserve to be in her thoughts right now. But here we are, and even though I know she wants to run, I will help her face whatever this is. She is not a prisoner anymore. She is free to do whatever and whoever she wants.

Her ex doesn’t get to come back and take her away from me. Not now that we have finally gotten to this point. It has taken years for me to give in to wanting her, and now that the door is open, like I told her and warned her, the door is not going to shut, and she can’t escape me now.

Her eyes rapidly search mine. “No, that is what he taught me, Shawn. No one will ever love me, and why would they? I don’t deserve to be loved by someone like you,” she snaps and states with confidence.

What the fuck did he do to her? There must be more than what is in her file, and maybe one day she will trust me enough to tell me all of it.

My heart sinks at her words. The exact same words came out of my mother’s mouth when she met my stepfather. The man I now call Father.

I drop my hands from the wall and gently cup her face, making sure she can’t turn away from me. “That is not true, Emory. You hear me. What he taught you is not real,” I state through gritted teeth. Men like her ex and my birth father deserve nothing but to fucking die. It is the whole reason I opened the center. To give back. To give women like my mother and Emory a safe place.

I see the tears building in her eyes as she processes my words. “It feels real to me,” she whispers.

My blood is boiling with what her ex has done to her. My heart hurts for her thinking and believing his fucking lies. “Let me show you,” I whisper, watching a single tear escape her eyes and roll down her face.

“Show me what?” she asks in a curious but cautious voice. I hate her being on the fence with me. I hate that her ex has told her lie after lie, so much that she believes they are facts.

“What it can feel like to be loved in the right way,” I whisper.

Love is a strong word, and I can’t say I love her yet, but it is fucking close. Do I believe in instant love? I don’t know. But she is making me feel something I have never felt. A feeling I am afraid of, and at the same time don’t want to disappear.

But at this moment, I can say I want her. I desire her. I want to protect her. I want to show her what she could have if she wants it.

She doesn’t respond as I lean in and connect my lips to hers. I trace my tongue along her lips, begging her in my own way to trust me and let me in. For a few moments, she stands still, but then I feel her body melt against mine as she slowly opens her mouth, allowing my tongue to enter and taste her, and fuck, she tastes so fucking sweet.

I drop my hands from her face and grab onto her legs, lifting her off the ground. She wraps her legs around my waist and wraps her arms around my neck, forcing the kiss to go deeper. I release my hold on her left leg and gently move my hand between her and me. I grab onto my dick and position the tip at her entrance. I slowly pull back, just enough to look at her.

“If at any time you want to stop, just tell me and we will stop,” I state in a stern voice. I will never make her do something she doesn’t want to do. I want her to know she always has a choice with me, and I will never, ever fucking take that choice away from her.

“Okay,” she replies softly. I can hear the anxiety and trust in her voice, and right now, that is all I can ask for.

I search her eyes for a moment before smashing my lips back against hers. I slowly push myself into her heat. I release my cock and lift my hand, resting it firmly against the shower wall as I start to slowly and gently move in and out of her. Her pussy wraps around me perfectly, forcing a moan and growl to escape me.

She is perfect in every way. Right now she is trusting me, giving in to me, allowing me to claim her. I know she is scared, I know she is uncertain, but us—her, me—this is not going to change, and I am never going anywhere. I can’t because where she goes, I will always fucking follow.

A second later, I feel her let herself go. She starts to move in the same motion as me and our naked bodies work together to take us away. She allows a moan to escape as I pick up my pace, needing more of her. She takes my cock so easily, she was made me for and I for her. She is so fucking wet. Her desire for me matches my desire for her.

Instant love, do I believe it?

Now, because of her, I do!

****

I tighten my arm around Em as she lays on my chest. Her head is positioned in such a way that she is facing me, allowing me to look down at her, allowing me to fall even more for her. Her ex fucked up, and now I plan on being the one to show her how special she is.

Her arm is stretched out across my stomach. Her legs are intertwined with mine, and her eyes are closed. I can tell she isn’t asleep, but she does feel safe enough to rest.

The last few hours we have spent together, she allowed herself to be free and let go. I know it was hard for her to let me have her, but she trusted me enough to know I wouldn’t hurt her, and it means the world to me that she allowed her guard down just enough for me to see a different side of her. A darker side of her. She is curious about sex, about the pain and pleasure I can give her. Her body gave in to me, validating that she craves what I can give her, and that is enough for now. It is enough to know she is willing to try.

“What happens now?” she whispers.

I watch her open her eyes. They are soft and gorgeous. “I protect you from him.” When she asked for my help, I was doing it because I cared about her, and no one deserves what she is going through, but now I am protecting her for more selfish reasons. I am protecting her because I want her.

“And then?” she asks, continuing to look into my eyes.

Her question once again catches me off guard. I have a feeling she will be doing this a lot, which makes me want to laugh and smile. Normally, I am the one who catches people off guard, but right now, she is winning at my own game, and I have to say it is a fucking turn on.

I take a deep breath as my heart starts to race. Man, she doesn’t even have to try, and she is getting to me. She is already changing me. I can only fucking imagine what ten years from now will look like. I am turning into a fucking softy because I can only say six words, and the words I am about to say will change everything between us. “I fell in love with you.” My voice is so quiet I can barely hear myself.

But I can tell by the look in Em’s eyes that she heard my words—the words I had sworn not to say. People like me don’t fall in love. We can’t afford to. Our world is dangerous, and after all, I am not a good man. I don’t deserve love, not after everything I have done.

But she makes me question that. She makes me feel I might deserve it. She makes me want to be better for her.

“Love is a strong word,” she says softly. I can tell she wants to say more, but she is choosing not to. She is choosing to keep it a mystery, but with her I am starting to like the mystery she brings. She keeps me on my toes.

“It is,” I agree, looking at her. I slowly look down at her lips and then back up to her eyes. She leans in for a short but sweet kiss. Before I can lean into it, she pulls back just enough to look at me. The simple kiss is a gesture that makes my heart beat faster and slower at the same time.

Love, is a strong word, and before her, I would never use it. But I believe in it now. Instant love is not just in the movies anymore, it is right here in this moment. She isn’t ready, though, to hear that I am now obsessed and completely in love with her.

She isn’t ready to know just how far I am willing to go to keep her. I will go at her pace, she is used to men taking from her and forcing her. I will never do that. I will show her with my actions what my feelings are.

If this is what a relationship is? I never want it to fucking stop.

“I like the sound of it, though,” she whispers.

“Me too,” I state, not needing to think about my answer.

She stays silent for a moment, searching my eyes, making my heart beat even more. I am normally not like this, and I know with her I shouldn’t be like this, but I can’t help it. There is something about her that makes me question everything.

I lean in and gently kiss her forehead, another gesture new to me, but with her, it feels right. We are moving so fucking fast, I am getting whiplash, but I have never done things slowly, and it seems so far she is enjoying the ride. So why stop?

“What happens tomorrow?” she finally asks. I pull back and then gently place my forehead against hers, taking a deep breath.

I know we have to think about tomorrow. I know we can’t run away, but I wish we could. Everything feels perfect right now, and tomorrow that might change. Tomorrow is uncertain, and it makes me nervous. “We go to work, and we wait,” I whisper.

“He will be there,” she whispers back. The fear is now back in her voice, making my blood boil. I am getting sick and tired of this ex, and I don’t know how long I can hold out before I fucking break. And when I break, I will fucking break him.

“I know.” I pull back and rest the back of my head on the bed frame. She looks up at me. Her eyes are filled with desire and worry, a mix I wish wasn’t there. I know the worry will stay until everything with Jesse goes away, and I plan on making him go away sooner rather than later. Again for selfish fucking reasons. Thinking of him touching her, taking her from me, brings to the surface a level of rage I have never felt.

I watch her close her eyes and take a deep breath. I tighten my arm around her as she opens her eyes. “I’m afraid of him,” she whispers.

“He won’t touch you, and if he tries, I will fucking break him,” I state through gritted teeth. I am not normally possessive and controlling over a woman, but Emory is bringing forth many things I thought were long gone—things I never thought were possible for me to feel.

She allows a small smile to form across her lips. “I believe you.”

“Welcome to my world, my Fallen Angel,” I say in an amused voice.

She doesn’t respond as I lean back down and connect my lips to hers. I have no idea what we are doing or what I am doing, but I do know now that I have had her, I can’t let her go. I want her, and if that means bringing her into my world of drugs and crime, then so be it. She will be a queen.

I will give her everything she has ever wanted and more. She will know a life she should have had all along, and I will do the one thing I promised myself I would never do. I will fall in love with her, and she will have all of me.

Am I moving fast? Yes.

Will the world agree with what we are doing? No.

Is she forbidden? Someone I shouldn’t touch? Absolutely.

But I don’t fucking care. I have always prided myself on breaking the rules, and that won’t change now.