Love Harder

Postface

So there you have it, the unplanned chapter, which is the rawest, most heartfelt thing I’ve ever written.

My story with The Unicorn is still unraveling, and I hope it continues to write itself for years to come. But what is ahead for him and I, I honestly do not know. I survived the hardships with love and just when I wanted to give up, I found the man who changed everything I thought I knew.

He healed my heart when I thought it was broken beyond repair.

And this is why I needed to include his chapter because I wanted to end this memoir with nothing but love.

I wanted to show you all facets of love.

The good.

The bad.

The ugly.

And the miracle that love is.

I wanted to be as raw as I could. I didn’t want to skim around the edges and leave anything out. I also didn’t want to shame love because love has the ability to change the world.

It sure as shit has changed mine.

Am I scared to be this vulnerable?

Of course I am.

But I’ve never been one to let my fears stop me from living because I don’t want to look back on this life with regret.

Love has hurt The Unicorn too.

Just as it has me.

Just as it has you.

And we all respond to love in different ways.

That’s what makes our stories unique and our own.

So the burning question seems to be…are The Unicorn and I together?

I presented a choose-your-own-adventure-style ending in LOVE HARD, but some readers didn’t like the fact they didn’t have closure.

But, dear reader, my story will forever be changing because my life isn’t set in stone; the decisions I make reflect my future, so there will never be an ending as such.

But, the answer is this book you hold in your hands and the cover you see. This cover, very much like LOVE HARD, captured a moment in time that will be etched in time forever.

And I love that so much.

Bunny was able to shoot that precise second between The Unicorn and me, which can never be replicated because time is priceless and so are rare moments between two human beings who just…fit.

So does that mean I got my happily ever after?

Time will only tell.

So congratulations, you made it to the end.

This story is reflective of millions, but unique because there is only ever one me.

One Ghost.

One Dimples.

One Switzerland.

One Brooklyn.

And of course, one of The Unicorn.

I got my “closure” with Ghost, but realized there is never such a thing with someone who does the damage that he did.

He quit his job and vanished off socials.

Seems he wanted to ghost himself too.

Dimples is still a wound too fresh. I write this without a tear shed because my head and my heart are fighting two different battles. Soon, however, they’ll be on the same battlefield, and that’s when I will mull over what went wrong.

Maybe one day I will talk to Dimples. But today is not that day.

Brooklyn is honestly a distant memory already. That’s an awful thing to admit, but it makes me feel better in a sense because he was never my person.

As for Switzerland, his leaving was one of the hardest things I ever had to deal with. I had to say goodbye to someone I didn’t want to say goodbye to.

He taught me so much. But most of all, he helped me heal.

Switzerland did things for me that showed me he cared. He lit candles in his room so it was reflective of my bedroom as he said. He bought me vegan ice cream. He always offered me a blanket, thinking I was cold. He was mindful not to eat meat around me, even though I didn’t mind. He always, always ensured we touched. He would envelop me in his arms and cuddle me tight.

I don’t regret meeting him. He was everything I needed in the short amount of time that we were together.

I always wanted more with him, but he gave me what he could.

But boy number five…The Unicorn. He shattered everything I thought I knew and taught me that the spectrum of colors comes in so many beautiful shades. He taught me that things aren’t always what they seem.

I didn’t know what more was until I met him.

He knocked me onto my ass (not before slapping it, of course, every single day) but ensured he picked me up time and time again.

I don’t think he is aware of how special he is.

Well, he is to me anyway.

He is loyal.

Honest.

As I am to him.

I thought all the other men in my past were the real deal, but they weren’t. They were a learning curve. A stopover to the final destination…however, I am still not there yet.

But I’m close.

The Unicorn has done the one thing I never thought was possible ever again—he makes me feel safe.

He always makes sure I’m okay.

In his words.

In his gestures.

He does so much to make me happy without even realizing it because that’s the sort of man he is. He will always be an ambiguous puzzle that I will never solve. But sometimes there are no answers in life.

Sometimes, things just are.

I often ran from The Unicorn, but I soon learned that, yes, he chased me, but in the end, we always ran side by side; an equal partnership. I was his strength when he needed it, as he was mine.

The pain I still feel from time to time is real.

I am damaged goods.

I’m the first to admit it.

Love fucking hurts.

It still does.

I will never heal from some wounds.

But The Unicorn showed me that I wasn’t broken by love.

No, I stood up to love when it tried to break me. When I wanted to give up, I persevered because I found men like Ghost, Dimples, Brooklyn, and Switzerland who taught me lessons about myself.

I wasn’t a quitter.

I was tenacious.

And I was a motherfucking warrior because I would never, never give up.

Trauma doesn’t make you stronger. It does what the name suggests; it traumatizes you. It gives you anxiety. And leaves you with trust issues. Trauma forces you to accept feelings you never wanted. Feelings that you don’t deserve. These were caused because of someone else’s issues. Or in some cases, because of their own trauma.

This wasn’t your fault. So I don’t agree with the saying what doesn’t break you makes you stronger.

You are the one who makes you stronger.

Always remember that when life kicks you when you’re down.

You are worth so much more than being someone’s second choice.

They’re not texting you because they don’t want to. If they wanted to, they would.

You’re confused, and I get it. I am confused most days. But most times, it’s simple—the way someone treats you is a reflection of their feelings for you.

It’s not your fault if you catch feelings. That’s not how the heart loves.

I heard this quote, and it really stuck; a situationship is a relationship to one person and nothing to the other person. If it were mutual, then it would be a relationship.

It’s difficult to understand for those who don’t love that way, how I love. But we need to remember we’re all different. And that’s what makes us…us.

Don’t let someone be a priority in your life…when you’re only an option in theirs.

I may have fallen for the wrong men, but they were wrong for all the right reasons. They taught me what I wanted.

And what I deserved.

And The Unicorn, The Unicorn is my prize.

If I look back on this moment in time and things have changed, then I will always remember that I didn’t surrender to love because, besties, love surrendered to me.

In this lifetime and the next…

I found what is meant for me because I am the narrator of my story. Just as you are of yours. Slay your own dragons; don’t wait for Prince Charming to sweep you off your feet. You are the one to conquer love, so when your story ends, you can pen those magical words…

She lived happily ever after.

And mean every single word.