Love Me Reckless (Love Me Dangerous #2)

Chapter 22

Chapter Twenty-Two

KIRILEE

When I emerge from the dressing room, Mom and Grandma Dora must have heard the swishing of taffeta because they are both on their feet, watching with eager expressions.

Mom gasps, her eyes misting. “Oh, Kirilee.”

The saleswoman has fluffed my train so it trails behind me. Walking feels awkward. Like I’m dragging an anchor.

Grandma Dora beams, her sparkling green eyes so full of love. “What did I say? Beautiful head to toe.”

Mom gasps again, her shoulders tensing. “What is…?” She rushes across the floor and turns me sideways. “Kirilee? What is this?”

I open my mouth to answer, but nothing comes out.

Mom lifts my arm at the elbow to peer at my tattoo, her grip surprisingly firm. “Please tell me this is temporary.”

“It isn’t.” I hold in the rest because I was about to say “I’m sorry” when that’s the farthest thing from the truth.

“Dear Lord,” Mom says, her tone biting. “Why would you do this?”

She yanks at the edge of the dress like she wants to get at the rest of the design, baring my left breast to the world .

“Mom, please.” I try to shrink back from her. I don’t like her touching me like this, exposing me like this. I feel like I’m nine years old again when she used to hook her index finger into my waistband to check if my shorts were too tight.

“This is a disaster,” Mom says.

Cold needles dance over my skin and sink down my spine.

“Molly,” Grandma Dora says. Her voice is kind, but there’s an edge to it.

Mom shoots my grandma an icy glare. But at least she lets me go.

“What were you thinking?” Mom asks me. “Everyone is going to see it.”

I remember Sawyer’s words. Good thing you didn’t do it to please them . This gives me strength. “I know.”

“We’ll have to cover it.” She makes eye contact with the saleswoman hovering just inside the dressing room entryway. “Fix this.”

“No,” I say.

Mom has already brushed past me to corner the saleswoman. “You can have a panel added or something, right? Or a band across her back that will cover it up. Maybe with a bow.”

My stomach tightens and my breaths whoosh in my throat. I think of Sawyer’s deep brown eyes, so steady and calm.

“We’re not altering the dress,” I say, louder this time.

Grandma Dora takes both of my hands and smiles. “I like it.”

Mom gives an impatient huff. “You would. Does Birch know about this?”

“Not yet,” I say. He’s been gone a lot, and it’s not like he takes much notice of me anyway.

Mom’s face pales.

Grandma Dora sends Mom a soft smile. “Lots of kids have tattoos these days.”

“Kirilee is not ‘lots of kids.’ She’s a St. Claire.” She narrows her eyes. “Just wait until your father finds out.”

“What’s he going to do, call off the wedding?” Grandma Dora says with a shake of her head. “I think it’s time you both honored Kirilee’s choices.”

My heart warms. I squeeze Grandma’s hands.

Mom jams her fists against her hips and glares at Grandma Dora. “You do not get to make me feel bad about this.” She looks to me, her expression softening, like she’s pleading with me. “You know I’m right, don’t you? This was a mistake. A… wild impulse.”

“I wanted it, Mom. For a long time.” I turn slightly so I can catch my bird’s extended wing in the mirror’s reflection. I think of her soaring above the treetops, guided by the cool wind and her sharp instincts.

“Did you do it for Birch? Do you think… he wants this?”

I inhale a slow breath and look my mom in the eye. “I did it for me.”

Back in the dressing room, I slip off the dress and hand it to the saleswoman. “It’s beautiful on you,” she says with a concerned gaze.

“Thanks.”

She steps from the room. I should feel victorious for standing up for myself—to my mom, of all people—but I don’t. I feel empty.

The night before the wedding, I can’t sleep. My gut is queasy and my mind refuses to settle. Being careful not to wake Birch, who is breathing deeply next to me, at three o’clock I get up and make myself tea with milk, but it tastes sour.

I drift through the house. Everything is dark and quiet, the only sound coming from the air vents. I go up to the fitness room, but the workbench and machines look frightening in the darkness. Like carcasses, or torture devices. I return to the living room and curl up on the couch facing the giant window with my book, but I can’t concentrate.

On the side table is an award Birch won. It looks like a tall glass castle. FOR EXCELLENCE IN RENEWABLE ENERGY. The name beneath it is something called GENRENU.

It’s one of Birch’s subsidiary companies. Curious, I pick up my phone and open the web browser. The first link leads to their website. I skim the information about wind energy, but it’s stuff I already know thanks to the China trip. I return to the main search results page and skim down to a story in Earth.org about something called “Greenwashing.”

The journalist gives ten examples of companies who “mislead the public by falsely touting themselves as being eco-champions.” From the opening paragraph, it sounds like a deceitful way of advertising that a company is more sustainable than it actually is.

What is GENRENU doing in a story like this?

The list includes gas companies, soft drink companies, a popular coffee and tea business, an automobile giant, and in the number six spot is GENRENU.

“Kirilee, what are you doing?”

I jolt, and my phone tumbles to the floor. “You scared me.”

Birch walks closer. “Are you all right?” He stoops down to pick up my phone, a concerned look on his face.

“I… couldn’t sleep.” What little I read about GENRENU is bouncing around in my mind like a ping pong ball.

He smiles. “Big day ahead of us.”

“Are you planning to build wind turbines on the ranch?”

His eyes shift to the award on the side table, then back to me. “Wind turbines are the future of renewable energy.”

The ranch consists of thousands of acres, most of which are undeveloped. Would Birch stuff it full of these giant windmills? Will I one day wake up to a view of spinning white blades cutting through the blue sky? “But they kill birds.”

“Cats kill birds,” he says easily, like he’s had to say it before. He’s even smiling, like this is amusing .

“So it’s not true?” I think about Linnie and her dad out there protesting. What do they know that I don’t?

Birch gives me a patient smile, but his eyes have turned serious. “The percentage of avian deaths from wind turbines is negligible.”

I think of my mountain bluebird, soaring over the open prairie.

Negligible .

I close my eyes so I don’t have to watch her die.

Birch offers his hand. “Come back to bed.”

Ava and Sofie are escorted up to the giant powder room in the bridal suite. Outside the big windows, thick, low clouds obscure what would normally be a gorgeous view. I refuse to take it as a sign that my wedding day is doomed. Everything is in place. All I have to do is follow the script.

I hug each of my bridesmaids.

Ava steps back, a concerned look in her eye. “How are you doing?”

“I’m great!” It hurts to smile, but I do it anyway.

Ava and Sofie exchange a quick glance.

“Just nervous,” I add.

“All right, ladies,” the stylist calls from behind us. “Time to get gorgeous.”

Two hours later, we’re coiffed and beautified. Our dresses are steamed and ready for us, which means it’s almost time. The stylist team departs, leaving me alone with my two best friends.

“We have a little something for you,” Ava says, sliding two wrapped packages from her purse.

“No way! You guys have already done so much.” I shake my head.

“Come on, open them,” Sofie sings, settling on the loveseat next to Ava .

Flutters tickle my anxious tummy as I place the smaller box on my lap and unfurl the silky ribbon.

Inside is a pale blue garter. “Oh! Something blue.” I slide it onto my right leg and hike it up my thigh.

Ava whistles.

“Keep going.” Sofie nods at the package.

Underneath more paper is a soft cotton hankie. “Something borrowed!”

“They handed them out at my cousin’s ceremony last year,” Ava says. “They’re surprisingly useful.”

Emotions I’ve been stuffing down all morning crack open inside me. “You might not want this back after I’m through with it.”

Ava squeezes my hand. “That’s okay.”

“There’s one more thing in there,” Sofie says, arching an eyebrow.

I dive back into the tissue. At the bottom of the box is a beat-up silver flask. Something old .

“You could probably fit it in the garter belt,” Sofie says with a laugh.

I unscrew the cap and take a sniff. “What’s in here?”

“Old Montana Redeye,” Sofie says. “Also known as liquid courage.”

I take a small sip. The liquor burns my throat, making me cough. But if I drank more of it, would I feel less?

That I’m tempted brings on a sense of dread. Swiftly, I pass the flask to Ava. “Your turn.”

While she and Sofie take turns, I unwrap the second box. Inside is a simple cream silk chemise and matching thong. It’s classy and elegant, the silk cool and buttery to the touch.

“This is from Luxe and Lush, isn’t it?” Memories from that weekend flood my mind. I wish I could rewind time and live it over again. Just once. The dancing and crazy to-do list, laughing with my friends, being brave. Being myself.

“Keep going. ”

There’s a little pouch at the bottom of the box. “Seriously this is too much.”

Ava looks ready to burst. “Are you kidding? This is your big day.”

I slide the pouch’s contents into my palm. It’s a beaded pearl bracelet interspersed with three sculpted silver beads, with a push clasp.

“Something new.” Ava grins.

“It’s beautiful,” I say. “Thank you!”

I set the box aside and jump up to hug my friends.

“And don’t worry, they’re freshwater pearls, and the company recycles,” Ava says, squeezing me tight.

“And the silk comes from a sustainable operation in Canada,” Sofie says.

I hold onto her as emotions I don’t understand form a thick knot in my throat. I feel like a frog with clogged gills. “You guys are so… thoughtful.” The word catches. I try to suck in a cooling breath but a sob shudders loose.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Sofie says, gently rubbing my back.

“Did we make you sad?” Ava’s voice is so kind.

I focus on the love from my friends but my eyes start to sting. “I just love you guys so much.”

“Aw, we love you too!” Sofie says.

“I’m going to ruin my makeup,” I say, and try blinking hard at the wall.

“It’s your wedding day,” Ava says. “You’re allowed to cry.”

A tear trickles down my cheek.

Ava scoops up the hankie she gave me, and I break from Sofie’s embrace to dab my eyes. “I’m okay,” I say, mostly for my own benefit.

There’s a soft rap on the door, then Cassie, the events coordinator, pops her head in. “Time to get dressed, ladies. You need my help?”

I’ve turned away so she doesn’t see me crying.

“We got it,” Ava says .

“Okay, I’ll be back in thirty.” Cassie shuts the door.

My skin feels prickly and my face is hot. Focus on gratitude. I’m so thankful for my brother. My friends. For Get Lit and the thousands of books we’ve shared with children and communities. For Grandma Dora. For Birch saving Finn River Ranch.

Ava and Sofie slip into their dresses while I peel off my robe. In the mirror, my little bird catches my eye.

“Wow!” Ava says, gazing at my side. “You weren’t kidding.”

“It’s beautiful,” Sofie says, then winks. “Sexy too.”

My eyes sting with another wave of tears.

“Did it hurt?” Ava asks, wincing.

“Yep.” I almost miss that pain. What is wrong with me?

“What did Birch think?” Ava asks.

“He kind of did a double take the first time, but he didn’t say anything.” I got the sense he wasn’t sure it hadn’t been there before, and he knew asking might make him look bad.

“Did your mom freak?” Sofie asks.

“She may have stormed out of my final dress fitting,” I say.

“It’s not her wedding,” Sofie says, a defiant gleam in her eye.

“It’s not her body,” Ava adds.

Good thing you didn’t do it to please them. “Right.”

Ava helps me step into my dress. My legs feel wobbly and the room is too hot.

I’m doing the right thing, aren’t I?

Another one of Grandma Dora’s famous sayings sharpens into focus. If you have to ask the question, you already know the answer.

While Sofie works on the little buttons in the back and Ava fluffs my train, I stare at myself in the mirror.

My hair is gathered in a bundle of loose curls at the nape of my neck, with dainty tendrils framing my face. My freckles are hidden beneath the makeup and my lips are a deep raspberry. If only my eyes didn’t look so puffy, and sad, I would look like the perfect bride.

Why can’t I smile?

I remember that elevator ride with Sawyer, after skinny dipping in the dark.

Compared to tonight, how do you feel?

With Sawyer, I felt brave, strong. Alive.

“Okay, let’s see!” Ava stands next to me, with Sofie on the other side. In the mirror’s reflection, I see my two best friends looking so beautiful and confident.

“You’re so beautiful, Kirilee,” Sofie says, blinking back tears.

I pull her into a hug as emotions churn inside me.

I hug Ava next and hold on tight. Sofie wraps her arms around us both.

“I love you guys,” I say.

I try to breathe deeply, but my throat clamps shut and my face gets hot.

You have everything you need to change that, princess.

If that’s true, then why am I terrified?

“We love you too!” Sofie and Ava cheer.

A knock on the door is followed by Cassie calling out, “Five minutes!” makes us jolt apart.

Icy needles race down my spine. My queasy stomach churns.

I lift my hem so I can step into my satin shoes, but I’m shaking so hard that it takes all of my concentration.

“Kirilee?” Sofie asks, rushing over to steady me. Her concerned eyes fix on mine. “You’re not okay, are you?”

I suck in a sob, but my breaths are so fast I sound like I’ve run a marathon. “I don’t know.”

Ava cradles my shoulders, her compassionate gaze sweeping over me. “Tell us what you need, girl. Some fresh air? Water? To sit down for a minute?”

“I need…” I try to think of an answer. “To know I’m not negligible.”

Sofie and Ava exchange a worried glance.

“You’re the brightest light in this room,” Sofie says. “Hell, the brightest light in this county.”

“Has someone tried to make you feel otherwise?” Ava asks.

Promise me you’ll keep shining that beautiful light of yours, Sawyer told me.

How can I do that?

“I need…” I look to each of my friends, drawing on their strength and courage. “…to get out of here.”