Love to Loathe Him

CHAPTER 46

Gemma

I lie in the hammock, my body aching in ways I never thought possible. When I signed up for this farming gig, I was sitting on my couch, sipping a glass of wine, thinking I was about to embark on some sort of spiritual journey back to nature. Ha. If only I’d known that farming is basically an extreme sport.

It feels like I’ve been run over by a tractor, and then the driver decided to reverse to make sure the job was done. It’s a good ache, though. A satisfying ache from a hard day’s work under the Costa Rican sun, elbow-deep in cow shit. The view of the endless trees across the mountain is breathtaking, almost enough to distract me from anything else on my mind.

But hey, it’s better than drowning my sorrows in a pint of Ben you know that? So stubborn. A perfectionist in your work, never settling for less than the best. Funny as hell, with a razor-sharp wit. And so fucking clever. All your sharp insults that never failed to invoke a reaction in me. That’s what you do to me, Gemma, you make me feel.

You’ve got two sides to you, just like me. The consummate professional, all buttoned-up and no-nonsense. And then there’s the wild, carefree adventurer, the girl who’s just as happy sailing off into the sunset or sleeping under the stars. I’ll take both Gemmas. I’ll take any version of Gemma I can get.

But for all your incredible qualities, you’ve got one weak spot, sweetheart—your lack of faith in me.

I did lie to you. Once.

I told you that Jimmy’s cart was getting renovated, some bullshit excuse I can’t even remember now. But it wasn’t true. He relapsed and went to rehab. I knew you’d be upset, and I wanted to protect you from that in the office. And I’m sorry. I’ve learned my lesson on that. I will never lie to you again.

That is the only lie I’ve ever told you.

But you never asked me all the questions you should have. You never fully trusted me. Not really. Even though I’ve always been straight with you, in the five years of knowing you. If you’d have asked me the questions, I’d have given you the answers.

But you didn’t ask. You just assumed the worst of me and shut me out.

And yeah, maybe I should have volunteered the information. Maybe I should have sat you down and gone through my entire sexual history, every sordid detail and past mistake .

I stiffen as I read those words, blinking away the sudden sting of tears. Is he seriously lecturing me right now? Through a diary entry? I don’t even want to read the rest. It’s too fucking upsetting.

Well, here’s a few truths for you. I’m going to cut to the chase.

Yes, I slept with Vicky. I fucked her to piss off Alastair, to take something he wanted just because I could. But I cared about her too. Maybe not love, but something real, something more than just a conquest.

My lungs forget how to work. Is this some kind of sick joke to get revenge? Because if it is, I’m not laughing.

Why the hell is he telling me this? What twisted part of his brain thought this was a good idea? “Hey, let’s emotionally eviscerate Gemma while she’s trying to find herself in the Costa Rican jungle! That’ll be fun!”

I want to throw my iPad on the ground. But my fingers keep scrolling of their own volition, hungry for more of this cruel confession.

But that was twenty years ago. It’s laughable how long ago it was. I took Vicky’s virginity and Alastair’s never forgiven me for it, but that’s his hang-up, not mine.

And that night you saw me at the Athen?um? I was there to cancel my membership. I went in person to give the staff a final tip.

Should I have told you? Probably. But honestly, I didn’t think it was relevant to us. It was an inconsequential blip, barely a footnote in my night. I never claimed to be a saint, Gemma .

So yeah, I used a high-end sex club, fucked my way through consenting adults in a no-strings environment.

But that was before us.

I never touched another woman while we were together. Not Vicky, not some random hookup, not anyone. Hell, I have zero interest in sleeping with someone now, even with you gone.

Was I livid about the TLS deal falling through? Of course I was. And yeah, I partially blamed you because that’s the influence you have on people. But more than that . . . I was gutted that you betrayed me. That you went behind my back, that you didn’t trust me enough to come to me first. That’s what really killed me. Not losing the acquisition.

But even with all that, none of it changes the most important truth of all. The one thing that’s been staring me in the face this whole time.

I love you.

There it is. Laid bare. No bullshit, no games. I, Liam McLaren, am head over heels in love with you, Gemma Jones. Do with that what you will.

And about that “go fuck yourself” . . . I’m hoping that was just the anger talking.

Always yours (whether you want me or not),

Liam

I feel like I can’t breathe.