Make Room for Love

Chapter 11

11

Thank god for the halal cart next to the park. On their walk, Isabel had led Mira past half a dozen restaurants where she’d regularly gone with Reina. That was the thing about being dumped after a relationship of six years and staying right where you were.

Sometimes she envied Reina, who was all the way across the country at her artists’ retreat in California. Free from her old life, free from the partner who couldn’t be what she needed.

It wasn’t that Isabel missed her ex, or that whatever happy memories she had remaining would overwhelm her. But today, of all days, she didn’t want her surroundings to remind her of her failures.

Still tense, they unwrapped their pita sandwiches on a bench: shawarma for Isabel, falafel for Mira. “I moved in with Dylan because my landlord raised the rent on my windowless bedroom, and my stipend was so low that I couldn’t afford to live there anymore,” Mira began, looking out at the river. “At that point, we’d only been dating for a few months. He was a few years older and had a fancy condo, and I thought— I mean, I wasn’t stupid. I had some idea of what it would mean for me to live with him. But compared to the alternative of scrambling to find an even worse apartment, it still felt like he was rescuing me.”

Mira met Isabel’s gaze. She seemed hesitant, but defiance burned in her eyes, too. She was daring Isabel to pity or condemn her. “He wasn’t openly abusive to me. Not in an obvious way I could point to at the time. But I knew we weren’t equal partners who happened to make different amounts of money. I was there on his largesse. And I felt like I had to be grateful, and to give him everything he wanted because I was indebted to him.”

Mira was crumpling a napkin in her lap. Isabel had known Mira was angry. How could anyone not be? But in that moment, it was painfully clear how much anger Mira was holding onto, and how much it was killing her to hide it.

Isabel knew all about being angry at how the world treated you. She’d always been loud about it, and she couldn’t hold back even if she tried. Mira’s life was different and harder. But they had something in common, and that shared understanding went beyond words.

Isabel nodded. All she could do was stay quiet and let Mira say what she needed.

“He never said it overtly, either, so I felt like I was crazy for even thinking that there was something wrong.” Mira’s expression was unnaturally calm. “It only really came out when we fought. That’s not really the right word. When he got angry at me, and I tried to stand up for myself at all. He’d say, ‘What else are you going to do?’ After hearing that two or three times, even if he pretended he didn’t mean it later, I got the message.” Mira took a shaky breath. “Who else was going to pay for my healthcare? Where else would I live?”

“My god, Mira.” What was there for Isabel to say? “That’s… I’m sorry. That’s not right.”

She wanted to find Dylan and throw him out his expensive floor-to-ceiling window into the East River. But her fury was mingled with guilt. She shouldn’t have needed Mira to spell it out for her. A woman moving into a man’s apartment because she couldn’t afford rent usually wasn’t a happy story. And when Mira had told her in the park, all Isabel had thought about was barging into Mira’s business. Rescuing her, like her ex had pretended to do.

Had Mira ever seen anything good in Dylan? Or had she just been doing what she needed to do? Either way, Isabel wasn’t judging. But if Mira had loved him even a little, if she’d hoped for something better and been let down… The thought broke Isabel’s heart.

“No, it wasn’t right,” Mira said, echoing Isabel’s words. She still sounded too calm, but the set of her jaw and the stiffness of her shoulders made it clear she was boiling with anger. “The truth is, I was relieved when I caught him cheating on me, because I finally had a good reason to leave him.” She looked straight at Isabel, her defiance returning. “Even if I had no idea where I was going to go, or how I was going to be on my own. At least I didn’t have to be with him anymore.”

Isabel nodded. Mira was braver and stronger than she knew. Truthfully, she was even braver and stronger than Isabel had known from the start. And Mira had held on to her softness and her sympathy all this time, which made her even more remarkable. But she never should have needed to endure so much in the first place. Isabel wanted to rip the world apart for her.

“I don’t know if he acknowledged to himself what he was doing,” Mira continued. “Maybe he deluded himself into thinking that I didn’t mind the power imbalance between us, and I just wanted to be his perfect, docile girlfriend who always did what he wanted and never inconvenienced him or had any needs of my own. And that’s why he was so angry when I left him, like he thought I loved him so much I’d put up with anything.” Mira’s voice shook. “I wonder about it sometimes. Whether he knew how much he had taken from me.”

The words rang in the space between them. “Christ, Mira. I’m so fucking sorry. That’s awful.” Isabel rubbed her face. “I— My god. He didn’t deserve you. You didn’t deserve that, is what I meant.”

Mira looked down at her sandwich, still uneaten. “Thank you,” she said faintly.

“I’m sorry for offering to…” There was nothing Isabel could say that was close to adequate, even if she hadn’t known. “Sorry.”

It was unbelievably selfish, after Mira had confided in her, for Isabel to even spend a second thinking about what this meant for her . But over the last week, she’d been nursing daydreams about Mira, knowing full well that they were impossible—that Mira might discover that she liked women, that Mira could return her feelings, that they could have a future together.

As though Mira would ever want anything more from Isabel while living in her spare bedroom out of necessity. She imagined herself in Mira’s position: running from your abusive ex and finding out that the person who’d offered you a cheap spare room had been lusting after you, too. The thought of putting Mira in that position made her sick.

It wasn’t as though she would have tried anything. Mira was straight, after all. But Isabel was going to have to be much more careful. No more letting her gaze linger too long. No more letting her guard down.

No more idle daydreaming. No more thinking about how if Mira lived with her as her girlfriend, she would treat Mira like a princess, protecting her and doting on her and giving her everything she wanted and needed. Isabel dug her fingernails into her palms. Someone was going to do all that for Mira someday, if there was any fairness in the world, and it was not going to be Isabel.

“It’s all right,” Mira said. “I told you it wasn’t really about you.” She hesitated. “Could I ask you something?”

“Go ahead.”

“When we met, you said you needed a roommate to cover rent, or else you couldn’t afford to live here anymore. So when you offered— To be honest, it’s obvious that you’re already undercharging me for the room. So I don’t understand how you could have offered me an even bigger discount. I thought you didn’t want a roommate in the first place.”

Mira was suspicious and trying to be polite. Isabel said, “It’s true. I wasn’t lying when I told you that. It’s nothing personal, I just meant…”

Mira smiled thinly. “It’s okay. I don’t think many people have roommates solely for the sake of it.”

“I didn’t know how I would afford it.” Isabel shrugged. “I wasn’t really thinking. I just had the idea. I’m close to spending my whole paycheck every month, but I could have used some of my savings.”

“Really?” Mira said immediately. Then she winced. “I’m sorry. Please don’t answer that. I don’t mean to pry.”

Mira’s surprise was understandable. Isabel obviously wasn’t living it up. “I help my parents and grandmother with their mortgage payments, and my little sister’s wedding is coming up. So it’s a little tight right now.” The truth was that she’d set some money aside for Grace, but as long as Grace wasn’t speaking to her, there was no way for Isabel to offer.

“You’re paying for your parents’ and your grandparents’ houses?”

“My mom’s mom lives with my parents. Alexa and I saved enough for the down payment for the house, and the plan was that we’d both help them with the mortgage payments.” There was a deep well of pain underneath those simple facts. Isabel couldn’t fall in, not right now.

Mira’s gaze was gentle. “It sounds like you’re a really good daughter. And sister.”

Hearing that from Mira meant more than it should. Isabel’s chest ached. She wanted to believe those words. She wasn’t sure if she could.

Mira took a bite of her sandwich, letting Isabel remain in her silence. “Oh, it’s good,” Mira said. “Thanks for tipping me off about this cart. I’ll have to come back.”

Isabel smiled, the weight of grief lifting slightly. “No problem.” After what Mira had told her today, it was nice to see her enjoying something, no matter how small. Even if Mira’s happiness wasn’t any of Isabel’s business.

They ate in silence for a few minutes. Then Mira said, “I appreciate you explaining that to me.”

“Explaining what?”

“When you offered to help me with rent, I didn’t understand what was happening. I didn’t know why you were offering, or if there was a catch, or…” Her eyes went wide. “I’m not comparing you to Dylan. That’s not what I meant.”

Mira had no idea. Isabel swallowed her guilt. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Well, I want to say that I’m grateful I ended up here. I really am. It’s been so nice to live somewhere where I can have some space to myself. Not just having my own room, but actually having freedom again. I’d forgotten what that was like.”

Isabel’s guilt rose again, stronger than ever. Reina must have felt just as free after she left, even though she’d been considerate enough to not say it outright. They were on good terms, in theory. Reina occasionally texted her photos of the wide-open Californian sky.

“I’m glad,” Isabel said. She meant it. Mira deserved freedom, and that was far better than anything Isabel could give her.

It was sheer bad luck: The woman she’d run into who’d desperately needed a spare room was too beautiful and too hard to resist. And it was even worse luck that Mira was lovely and brave, that she asked Isabel questions and listened as though she cared, that she constantly tempted Isabel to let her defenses down.

This was torture. And there were two more months of this. Maybe she could give Mira the last month for free, to help her move out earlier. Isabel could find enough money to cover that.

Mira flashed her a sweet, conciliatory smile. If Isabel’s heart hadn’t already been crushed, the curve of Mira’s mouth and the crinkling around her eyes would have done it. “When you helped me that night at the club, did you also do that without thinking?” Mira asked. “You were fast.”

“I guess so.” Isabel hadn’t needed to think. She’d seen a man yelling at a woman who was clearly afraid. “I don’t regret it.”

“I could use more of that. Just doing things without overthinking, I mean.”

Isabel shrugged. “It doesn’t always work out.”

“Yeah, you ended up with a roommate. No good deed goes unpunished.”

Isabel laughed despite the dull, heavy pain in her chest. “I didn’t mean it like that. Hey, seriously, it’s been good,” she added. Mira didn’t owe her anything. She had to be sure that Mira knew.

They both looked out at the water again. “I’m sorry for ruining our outing with this argument,” Mira said. “I’m grateful you showed me your neighborhood. It really is lovely.”

“You didn’t ruin it. It’s good to be here.” Isabel had taken so many lonely walks along the river, frozen and dulled to all emotion. What a difference it made to have Mira with her, no matter how much it hurt.

Mira leaned back against the bench. Her curls were exquisite in the autumn sunlight. “This is a better view of the river than the one from the high-rise.”

“You don’t have to say that.”

“Oh, I mean it. It’s better than being sealed in a glass box, looking down at everyone. I felt like I was in a cage.” She casually turned toward Isabel, and the light shifting across her face made Isabel’s breath catch in her throat. “The company is better, certainly.”

Isabel’s crushed heart was no one else’s problem. “I’m glad it worked out.”