Make Room for Love

Chapter 33

33

Mira wasn’t going to be happy about this. It was the only thought in Isabel’s mind. The unrelenting white-hot pain in her wrist crowded out everything else.

She groaned incoherently as she lay on the sidewalk. A stranger above her was saying something she couldn’t make sense of. An ambulance siren was getting louder.

The memory was unreal. Slipping on the patch of black ice, and the perfect, clear, heart-stopping moment of regret. Not again.

EMTs were emerging from the ambulance, carrying a stretcher. They said something to her and grabbed her. She flailed, panic rising, the pain turning her mind blank. Not the ER, she didn’t want to go there?—

“Isabel? Is that you?”

That was Mira. Isabel thrashed, trying to turn around and see her, relief momentarily overwhelming the pain. She was ashamed to let Mira see her like this. But she wouldn’t have to go to the ER alone. “Oh my god,” Mira shouted. “What happened? Why the hell are you outside?”

From her vantage point on the ground, this now seemed like a very good question. I’m fine , Isabel tried to yell. It came out as a garbled cry.

There was jostling above her. The EMTs were trying to get Mira to back off. “Let me ride in the ambulance,” Mira said.

More commotion. “Ma’am?—”

“That’s my wife.” Mira’s voice cut through everyone else’s. Isabel let out a laugh despite everything. Pain shot up her wrist, and she winced and gritted her teeth. “I need to go with her,” Mira said. Her tone was even, but she left no room for disagreement. “She needs me.”

Somehow, Mira got past the EMTs, and then she was right above Isabel. Mira was an angel. But the wild anguish on her face was unbearable to see. An EMT said, “Is this woman?—”

“Yeah,” Isabel gasped out. She went limp and let the EMTs take her into the ambulance.

“If you’re angry with me, you can tell me,” Isabel said.

They were still in the hospital at midnight. Mira had stayed with her during the entire agonizing wait in the ER. They were waiting for the final sign-off from the doctor, and Isabel had enough painkillers in her that she could talk.

All night long, she’d sensed the walls closing in on her. If Mira hadn’t been by her side, she didn’t know how she would have made it.

“I am,” Mira said. She looked exhausted, hunched over in the chair next to Isabel’s hospital bed.

“I’m sorry.” The guilt was killing Isabel. “I’m wasting so much of your time.”

Mira sat up. “Oh, that’s not why I’m angry.” She sounded like her patience had finally run out. Maybe this was it, the moment Isabel had been fearing all these months. “I’m not angry because you’re injured and you need help. I don’t want to hear you apologize for that ever again. I’m angry because you did something reckless and endangered yourself, right after you got hurt at work yesterday and refused to tell me anything about it. And I’m angry because over the last few weeks, you’ve been upset about something and taking it out on me, and you won’t admit it or tell me what’s wrong. It makes me feel awful.”

Isabel’s stomach sank through the floor. Was that really how Mira saw it, that Isabel had been taking something out on her? “I don’t know why you’ve been acting like this,” Mira continued. “I wish I knew, and I wish I could help you. I don’t know what else to do.”

Even now, Mira’s expression was full of concern. Isabel closed her eyes and shut out the terrible sterile room. Then she forced herself to look at Mira again, even as her shame overwhelmed her.

“You’re right.” She rubbed her face with her good hand. “I’m sorry. I don’t even know where to start. It’s been an awful last few weeks for me. It has nothing to do with you. There’s a lot I probably should have told you.”

“Like what?”

Mira wanted to know, and it hurt her to not know, and Isabel wasn’t going to hold on to Mira by hiding things from her. It was humiliating how clear this was in retrospect, after Isabel had put herself in the hospital. “The fight I had with Grace was really bad. I didn’t tell you all of it.”

“From a month ago?”

Isabel nodded. “I told her that I was worried about Kevin being a good partner.”

“I remember.”

“That wasn’t the end of it. I said that to her…” This was excruciating. But she had to do it for Mira. “I said that to her, and she said to me, ‘A good partner? You would know all about that, right?’” Isabel remembered each and every word. “And I walked out on her. I couldn’t even say anything. It hurt so much. I’ve been really fucked up over it ever since. I’m not blaming her. Just me.”

“Oh, Isabel,” Mira said, sympathetic to a fault as ever. “That’s a cruel thing to say. Whatever else you might have said, that’s not fair to you.”

A wave of anger washed over Isabel. Anger at herself, pulling her under. “It is fair.”

Mira reached out and squeezed her good hand, and it was a lifeline as she was drowning. “It’s not. You know you don’t have to blame yourself for everything, right?”

Isabel took a shaky breath. If she let herself believe that, her entire world would fall apart. She had responsibilities, no matter how much she was failing to meet them.

“Was she talking about us?” Mira asked.

Isabel shook her head. “I didn’t tell her about you. I think she was talking about Reina breaking up with me.”

Mira was silent. Her expression shifted. Finally, she said, with quiet determination, “I know this is beside the point. And I know it’s only been a few months. But I hope I’m not a secret you’re keeping from your family.”

“No,” Isabel said, horrified. Once again, she wanted to track down and fight all of Mira’s bad exes. But maybe she was about to become yet another one of them. “No.Oh, god, Mira, I promise you I’m not. I might have fucked up everything else, but I promise I’m not doing that. Being with you is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And I want everyone to know. I told my parents about how much you mean to me. I want my whole family to meet you.” She sniffled. “It hurts so much that I’ll never introduce you to Alexa and she’ll never get to see how much I love you.”

Mira wasn’t supposed to know any of this. But Isabel was crumbling, and everything she’d tried to hold back was rushing out in a torrent. She took her hand out of Mira’s grasp and wiped her face, not even bothering to hide her tears. “I didn’t tell Grace because I wanted to save it for when we made up. And because being with you was the best part of my life, and I thought I could keep it separate from all my mistakes with Grace. I don’t know what I was trying to do. Whatever it was, I didn’t do it right.”

She was used to thinking of herself as strong and capable. Now, lying in the hospital bed, she just felt painfully small.

Mira’s eyes were wide, her mouth open. She said nothing.

“I’m so afraid,” Isabel said, barreling on. It was a relief to admit it, even though it wasn’t going to do her any good. “I’ve been afraid that you were going to leave me because I didn’t deserve you. I wish I knew how to be good enough for you to stay.”

“Oh, Isabel.” Mira took Isabel’s hand in hers again. It was a few nerve-wracking seconds before she spoke. “I didn’t know you felt that way. You’ve been holding on to that for a while.”

“It wasn’t just because of what Grace said. I was scared before, too. I don’t know if I should tell you this. But Vivian and Frankie warned me at the restaurant.”

“What? What did they say?”

Isabel recounted the conversation. “Oh,” Mira said. She smiled sadly. “They told me about that too. Although it sounds like you remember it differently. Vivian said she just wanted to say hi and get a sense of what you’re like. And they’re a little overprotective. But she told me she might have scared you, and I told her that it would take a lot more than that.” Mira grimaced. “I’m sorry. If I’d known that it bothered you…”

“It’s not your fault. It’s my fault. I got too scared. I tried to do too much for you and protect you and hide everything from you. And I couldn’t handle it when that didn’t work.” Isabel shuddered, almost sobbing. “I know what that must have looked like to you. Being a controlling asshole just like your ex.”

“I never asked you to do any of that.” Mira was so patient. “You just assumed that was what I wanted.”

Isabel somehow felt even more wretched. Why hadn’t she realized that on her own? “I see that now.”

“That’s not all. When I said I didn’t know you’d been feeling that way, I meant… You’re talking about staying for the long term. You don’t just want more of the same thing. You want something serious with someone who’s committed to you. That’s what you’ve wanted all this time.” Mira hesitated. “That’s what you want from me, isn’t it?”

Isabel nodded. There was no denying it now. At least Mira hadn’t brought up Isabel saying she loved her in the worst circumstances imaginable.

Mira sighed. She took her hand away. “First of all, you’ve been really good to me. Please believe me when I say that, Isabel.”

Isabel braced herself. Here it was. “But I don’t want to be a thing that you either deserve or don’t deserve,” Mira continued. “Or a thing you’re either good enough or not good enough for. It makes it sound like if you did enough, you’d earn the right to be with me. I’m not a prize for you to win or lose.”

Isabel nodded again. Everything was so clear when Mira laid it out. Her gentle honesty made Isabel’s heart ache. Mira was braver than Isabel would ever be.

“Are you leaving me?” Isabel asked. She needed to get this over with. Mira had cracked her open and changed her from the inside out, and Isabel would always be grateful. She would find a way to survive.

“No,” Mira said. She took Isabel’s hand again, squeezed it, and smiled. “If I wanted to leave you, I would have already. I wouldn’t let you down easy.”

Isabel snorted. Something light and fizzy bubbled up in her chest. The fear that had crushed her these last days, months, and even years was easing up on her. She still had to get herself out of this mess. But—hospital bed and injured limbs aside—when Mira smiled at her, the sun shone through the clouds. “You would have left me on the sidewalk?”

“Absolutely. So don’t try this again.” Mira’s smile widened, the corners of her eyes crinkling, and Isabel was warmed all the way through. Then Mira’s face grew serious again. “If I actually wanted to leave you, I wouldn’t bother trying to get through to you like this. You are the most obstinate person alive. You tried to go out with a sprained ankle in the snow because you couldn’t deal with your feelings and sit at home for one day.”

Isabel winced, but she was smiling, and Mira was, too. Mira’s open exasperation was the most reassuring thing Isabel had heard in a while. Mira took her hand and ran a thumb over the calluses. “You’re lucky you’re so tall and gorgeous. And such a caring, considerate girlfriend when you’re not being so frustrating.” Mira looked around. “I mean, wife. Can’t have them knowing I lied.”

Isabel laughed, a sharp tug in her chest. “I think they would have let you come if you’d just said you were my girlfriend.” She wasn’t going to replay Mira saying my wife , wasn’t going to imagine a ring on Mira’s finger. She still had so much to make up for.

Mira grinned. “I had to think fast. But, sure, I’ll remember that for next time. If I decide to not just leave you on the sidewalk.” Then she sighed. “Isabel, I don’t know if I can promise you everything you want. But I do want to listen to you and try to understand you. I don’t want you to worry I’m going to leave you if you say something that’s too much or too difficult. You already have enough on your mind.”

This was more than Isabel deserved. But that was the wrong way to think about it. “I didn’t tell you the truth before because I was a coward. I hope you know that now.”

“You’re not a coward.” Mira was blazing now, alight with passion and anger, all of it aimed right at Isabel. This was the fierce union organizer and brilliant scholar Isabel loved. “I’m not accepting that excuse from you, of all people. If this is going to work, you know we have to be able to trust each other. If you keep secrets from me about how much you’re hurting or grieving, I can’t trust you enough to stay with you and share a life with you.”

Isabel was chastened. “I know.”

“Well, I’m glad to hear that. Because I need to ask some things of you.”

“I’ll do anything.” Isabel truly would. Anything to make this better.

“You need to talk to me about your feelings instead of…all of this.” Mira made a broad gesture. “Trying to run away from them. Or trying to control me because you can’t deal with them. Or working until you hurt yourself.”

Isabel nodded. She needed to step up. She was afraid, but Mira was worth it. “I’ll try. You might have to be patient with me.”

Mira smiled. “And you know you need to talk to Grace again. That’s for you, not me.”

Isabel ran her hand over her face. The prospect of it scared her as much as everything else Mira wanted from her. “Grace might not forgive me.”

“No, you can’t make her.” Mira gave her a pointed look. “That’s not what I’m asking. I think you have more to say to her, and she probably has more to say to you.”

Maybe Isabel did have more to say. Not just to apologize, not just to blame herself for all the pain in her family over the last two years, but to actually talk to her sister and lay herself open. “I know,” Isabel said. “I know. I’m just scared.”

Mira squeezed her hand. “Why don’t you tell me what you’re so afraid of? Since we’re going to be here for a while.”