Make Room for Love

Chapter 35

35

“This place looks different,” Grace said. She set her purse on the coffee table and sat in the armchair. It was disorienting to see her in the apartment again after so much had changed. “I like the new shelves.”

“Thanks. They’re Mira’s books.” Isabel resisted the impulse to go on about how many languages Mira knew, her teaching award, how brilliant she was. Maybe there would be time later if she and Grace got through this. She imagined Mira’s kindness and understanding wrapped around herself like a mantle, giving her strength, and hoped it would be enough.

“She seems smart.” Grace hesitated. “Anyway, I’m sorry about what I said last time, about you being a good partner. I really am. I didn’t know about your new girlfriend. But I shouldn’t have said it, either way.”

Isabel bit back the urge to say that it was fine, to pretend to be the perfect magnanimous older sister. Grace deserved her honesty. “Thanks. Yeah, that really fucking hurt. But I think that was mostly about me and not about you. I shouldn’t have said what I said about Kevin either. That was also mostly about me.”

Grace gave her a look urging her to go on. Isabel shrugged with one shoulder. “I realized I was worked up over my own issues. I never got to know Kevin, and it’s none of my business anyway. Like you said.” Isabel’s pride had already taken so many hits that one more couldn’t deflate it further. “I really do just want you to be happy.”

Grace smiled. “Yeah, you were making it about yourself,” she said, as though it had been obvious. “You know, Kevin helped me a lot after Alexa died. We hadn’t even been dating for long, and he just listened to me and didn’t try to say all the right things or make it better, which was what I needed. He knew there wasn’t anything else he could do. It’s not a bad thing to not be constantly trying to solve other people’s problems.”

Isabel’s jealousy flared, and with it, a sense of loss. “You never talked to me about how you were doing back then. I thought you just didn’t want to.”

“You didn’t make it easy. All you ever talked about is how we need to support our parents, funeral planning, all that stuff. I don’t think you ever told me a single time that you missed her.”

“Do you seriously need me to say that?”

“You don’t need to say anything. You already have too many things you supposedly need to do.” The self-possessed way Grace spoke was jarring. She sounded like Alexa, or their mother, or Isabel herself. Not like the little sister Isabel thought she knew. They were both getting older. “The point is, we used to actually be able to talk. And after Alexa died, you became the perfect oldest daughter who had a stiff upper lip all the time, and you treated me like a baby. You always did, a little, but it got much worse.”

Isabel grimaced. There was no arguing with any of this. Grace continued, “I know you don’t want to hear it, but sometimes it does seem like you’re trying to replace her. I don’t know how else to say it.”

“I’m not. I know I can’t replace her. Not to our parents or to anyone else.” Isabel was stopped short by a lump in her throat. This was hitting her harder than she’d expected. “I know I’m not her, and I know I’m not bringing her back. I’m trying to keep living without her even though it hurts, just like you are.”

Grace eyed her with a faint smile. “What?” Isabel said.

“I’m just relieved, honestly. This is the most I’ve heard you talk about your feelings about Alexa in a long time.”

“I— All right. Fine. I could have done a better job.”

Grace rolled her eyes. “I’m not asking you to do a good job or be a good anything . I’m just saying, you can’t refuse to talk to me and then get mad when I don’t want to talk, either. Cat used to cry with me on the phone for, like, an hour at a time, when James was still in the hospital. Did you know that?”

“No.” Isabel was bewildered. Her sister was moving through grief in her own way, still in pain but getting stronger all the time, growing up. In comparison, Isabel was a mess.

She wished Alexa were here. But Grace actually was here for her, and in trying to be there for Grace, Isabel had completely lost sight of that.

She sighed. “Sorry. Again. I know that’s not enough. You’ve been holding this against me for the last two years.”

“Yeah.” Grace pursed her lips. “Honestly, I could also have been a better sister to you. I didn’t talk to you enough, either. I thought you didn’t need me. I know you think you’re not good enough compared to Alexa. But you know that’s how I felt about both of you. After Alexa died, I didn’t understand how you just kept going.”

“Well, I didn’t.” Isabel had thought she could, but everything she’d been running from was catching up to her now. “I thought you were the one who kept going without me. When you told me you were engaged…”

She was reaching something she’d been almost too afraid to tell Mira last night. But Mira had held her hand, refusing to give up on her. Isabel wasn’t going to give up now, either. “When I said all that, I think I was also afraid of losing you. Reina had just broken up with me. You’re the only sister I have left, and you were going to get married and start your new life with someone else. I know that’s ridiculous.” She shook her head. The irony that she’d reacted by pushing Grace away wasn’t lost on her. “I’m an idiot.”

“Yeah, you are.” Grace leaned back in the armchair. Isabel’s boneheadedness seemed to amuse her. “You’re not getting rid of me that easily.”

Isabel smiled. Yet another weight was easing from her chest. It would take them a long time to untangle everything, but at least they were finally starting. “I also fucked up with Mira. Basically for the same reasons, I guess.”

“What happened?”

Never in a million years did Isabel expect to talk to Grace about her relationship problems. But Grace clearly knew some things she didn’t know. “She had just left her shitty ex-boyfriend, and she told me she didn’t want commitment. I got into this thinking I was going to be the perfect girlfriend for her, provide for her, take care of her, everything. Win her over. To make up for how my older sister is dead, and my ex dumped me for being a mess, and my little sister is pissed off at me and doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.” At that, Grace scoffed. “I was hiding all this from her and getting upset when she was trying to help, and then it all blew up. And she told me that if I didn’t trust her with my real problems, then she couldn’t trust me, either. I get it.”

Grace winced. “Yeah. So…”

“I asked her if she was breaking up with me and she said no. But I’m worried it’s just a matter of time.”

“Why?”

“Because I keep fucking up and losing people.” Isabel’s voice cracked. “I’d do anything to have her stay in my life. I’m trying to change. I just don’t know if it’ll be enough.” Last night, she’d told Mira she loved her. The memory was excruciating. Mira hadn’t said anything at all.

Grace stared at her for a few torturous seconds. “You know Mira’s an adult, right?”

“I know.”

“Like I said, she seems smart. Either she’ll break up with you at some point, or she won’t.”

That wasn’t comforting. The truth lay before her: There was so much suffering in the world, and Isabel couldn’t single-handedly protect herself or anyone else from pain. “I know. I know I have to take her at her word and see. But she stayed with her shitty ex for too long. He already hurt her so much by the time she left.”

“Well, either you respect her as an adult making choices, or you don’t.” Grace sighed. “If I sound snippy about this, it’s because I’ve been dealing with my older sister telling me I don’t know what’s best for me, an adult woman, so cut me some slack.”

“So I’m Kevin?”

“You’re not as good as he is.” Isabel snorted. Grace continued, “Can I give you some unsolicited advice?”

It was only fair. “Go ahead.”

“When something good happens in your life, you know you can just let it happen, right? That’s what I’ve been learning over the last two years. Life is hard enough already without you looking for more reasons.”

Isabel looked out the window. The flurries were thickening. A memory drifted to her: Mira—soft, kind, strong, brave, wonderful Mira—kissing her goodbye this morning, her coconut-scented curls brushing Isabel’s face as she lay on the couch.

Maybe she didn’t have to desperately cling to Mira. She could just let herself be held. For now, even if it wasn’t forever.

Her little sister was full of sage advice these days. “I get what you’re saying,” Isabel said. This kind of sincerity was not her strongest suit. “Anyway, I want to support you and Kevin. If there’s anything I can do?—”

“Don’t you dare offer to help pay for my wedding. Kevin and I have money saved up, and his parents are pretty rich and are helping him out.” Isabel was going to have to figure out something else to do with the thousands she’d saved up, then. “But since you asked, there is something you can do for me.”

“What is it?”

“You can be my bridesmaid.”

Isabel teared up. “Of course,” she said, voice shaking, overflowing with relief and love. Grace came over, kneeled by the couch, and hugged her, and Isabel hugged her back as well as she could with one arm.

“I’m still a little mad at you,” Grace said, squeezing her tight for emphasis.

“Fair enough.”

Grace got up and plopped herself on the other end of the couch, making herself at home. “I’m telling all the bridesmaids to just wear whatever red dresses they want. You still have that navy suit, right? You can wear a red tie.”

“I’m going to look like a politician. You want that at your wedding?”

Grace rolled her eyes. “You can wear an all-red suit if you want. I’m not stopping you.”

Isabel snorted. It was unbelievably good to laugh with her sister again. They sat in an easy silence, watching the snow fall. Then Grace said, “I never thought I’d get married without her being there, you know?”

“I know what you mean.” Isabel paused. “Well, I don’t. But knowing I’ll never introduce her to Mira has been hard for me.”

Grace turned to her. “I’m glad you’re going to be with me. Kevin is as supportive as he can be, and I’ve talked to Cat and to Mom about it, but I don’t think anyone else really understands what it’s like.”

Isabel nodded. She had sensed the mutual understanding return between them, too, like a lost piece of herself being put back into place. She had thought she was broken. Maybe she would never be entirely whole again, but she was closer to it than she had been in a long time.

“What you said about Kevin earlier reminded me…Mira did that for me,” she said. “On the anniversary. She made dinner for me and let me talk about it.” Isabel was getting choked up again. “She’s really special. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that, no matter what happens.”

Grace raised her eyebrows. “Wow.”

“What?” Even this was a relief, that they were ribbing each other.

Grace’s look was piercing. No one else could give Isabel that look. No one else, aside from Alexa, had known her this well for two decades and counting. “You’re really serious about her, aren’t you?”

When Mira arrived at the front door to her building, a familiar-looking woman came out. The third sister in Isabel’s photo. This was Grace.

“Oh, hi, are you Mira?” she asked. Mira nodded. “I’m Grace, Isabel’s sister. Good to meet you.” She extended her hand.

Grace was an entire head shorter than Isabel, with a full face of makeup, but she had the same immediately recognizable no-nonsense demeanor. Mira was startled. Isabel constantly referred to Grace as her little sister, but this woman was clearly an adult, slightly tired-looking, with an engagement ring on her finger.

Mira shook Grace’s hand. “Nice to meet you too.” Grace and Isabel must have talked, but Mira had no idea where they stood now. “Is Isabel okay?”

“She’s still in pain, but she’ll get through it. She’s tough.” Grace smiled. “We had a long talk. It was about time.”

Mira smiled back. Hopefully that was good news. “Thanks for checking in on her. She’s been having a hard time.”

“Of course. She’s my sister, even if she’s a huge pain in the ass sometimes.” Grace rolled her eyes good-naturedly. She was acting familiar with Mira already, which was unexpected but reassuring. “I heard she was giving you a hard time, too.”

“I don’t know if I would say that. I think she and I need to have a talk too.”

Grace gave her a knowing look. “Well, she loves you a lot. But don’t let that stop you from doing whatever you need to do. It’s fine if you’re still mad at her. I still am, a little.”

Mira was taken aback. She loves you a lot. “Well, thank you. It was nice to run into you. Congratulations on your engagement.”

“Thanks.” Grace glanced at her ring and smiled to herself. “I appreciate it. I’ll be coming back to check up on Isabel, so I’ll see you again soon.”