Married to the Icy Highlander (Unwanted Highland Wives #3)

Chapter 19

19

“ L ook! Ceana! Look!” Jeanie called loudly as she bounced from one garden bed to the next.

Ceana nodded along, not really paying attention to her as she likely should. She hadn’t been able to sleep a wink last night, and the headache she had woken up with this morning wasn’t helping either. After Neil turned her down, she continued the festivities alone in her room. She had really needed another drink. Now she was paying for it. But far be it from her to tell Jeanie to calm down.

Instead, she tried to pay attention to whatever she was doing. The plants and various herbs in front of her seemed to keep blurring together as she picked them, and it was making her move far more slowly than she normally would.

It was slowing their progress, even more so because Jeanie didn’t seem the slightest bit interested in helping her. She was supposed to be learning from the new castle healer, Alice, how to make oils for various ailments. Instead, she was running around, trying to catch butterflies and counting the various bugs that she came across.

Alice was a very kind woman. Ida had introduced them not too long ago, but she had only just recently started working at the castle.

“Ye ken, lass, ye’ll nae learn a thing about flowers if ye keep yer eyes trained on the sky the whole time,” Alice called to Jeanie without bothering to look over her shoulder.

“But the butterflies are so much prettier than the flowers!” Jeanie shouted back from across the garden.

Ceana winced, squeezing her eyes shut against the loud noise that was only making her head pound harder. She tried to will the ache away, but her vision was swimming to the point that she had to pause her work.

“Long night?” Alice asked in the same flat tone.

“Aye,” Ceana muttered, starting to nod and then stopping herself quickly. “I just cannae seem to shake off the throbbin’ in me head.”

“Did ye have a raw egg for breakfast? Lorne sausage?” Alice shifted, plucking a different batch of flowers.

Ceana didn’t answer right away. She wasn’t about to admit to the fact that she hadn’t eaten anything yet because she did not wish to run into Neil. She wasn’t ready to face him after last night’s rejection. She felt like such a fool for allowing any of it to happen. She could blame the drink, but that wasn’t the true cause, and she wasn’t about to let her husband call her out on it either.

Alice continued to gather herbs and then thrust her closed fist toward Ceana with a nod. “Put these in yer tea, then.”

Ceana smiled weakly—even the slight movement made her head hurt. “I thank ye. Truly.”

“Ceana! Ceana! Look, I’m a butterfly too!” Jeanie screeched, flapping her arms and chasing after a butterfly.

Ceana couldn’t help but laugh at that, despite her headache. She pushed herself up off the ground and walked over to Jeanie, but the girl was now running around the large fountain in the garden, not caring if she fell into the water. The anxiety of it made Ceana’s stomach clench.

She wanted nothing more than to run after her. Maybe she could even take her boots off and chase her across the garden for a while, leading her away from the fountain. She tried to run after her but stopped the moment the throbbing in her head worsened. So, all she was really able to do was smile affectionately at the child.

She had a duty to be here, to stay with Jeanie, but as the sun rose higher in the sky, it was becoming more difficult. “Do ye nae wish to help Alice with the pretty flowers, too?”

“Nay!” Jeanie cried. Her hair was coming undone, her dress was covered in grass stains and dirt, and the well of energy inside her seemed to have no end.

“If ye wish to go and have some tea now, M’Lady, I’m happy to keep an eye on the lass. Perhaps if it’s just the two of us, she’ll calm down?” Alice offered, finally glancing up at Ceana with a knowing smile.

“Ye dinnae mind?” Ceana asked softly.

“Nae at all. I’ll have her grindin’ flower petals before ye ken it. Maybe she’ll let me make a game out of it. If nae, then I’m all right with her dislikin’ me,” Alice teased, flashing her a smile before motioning for her to go back to the castle.

Ceana felt bad that she had to leave Jeanie, but perhaps it was for the best.

“We are goin’ to be fast friends.” She grinned. “I owe ye one!” Then, she turned to the child, who was still running around. “Oi, butterfly! I’m goin’ to lie down for a while, but I’ll wait for ye in me chambers to tell me all about the flowers that Alice will show ye.”

Jeanie ran to her, her eyes searching. “Are ye unwell?”

“A little bit, aye. I couldnae sleep last night.”

“I slept great, and Myrtle didnae hate me too much!” she said, causing Ceana to laugh. “And when I woke up, yer maither and me new uncle, Peter, let me have some sugar plum pastries!”

“Yer uncle?”

“He was the only one willin’ to show me around the festival yesterday. And it’s been a while since I saw my other uncle, Blaine.” Jeanie pouted.

“I see,” Ceana murmured.

The fact that her stepdaughter was growing closer to her family while Neil was pulling further away from her made her heart ache. But she put on a brave face.

“Maybe next time Myrtle will be even nicer to ye. But for now, ye willnae let Alice pick the flowers all alone, will ye?”

“Nay. Ye go rest—I’ll tell ye everything later!”

Ceana was sorely tempted to go back inside and straight up to her room.

If she could justify spending the day in bed for the first time in her life, then that was what she would do. But the guilt of remaining idle was impossible for her to deny. For so many years, she had awoken before the sun to go and tend to the distillery, doing as many of her chores as she could. Here, there was still plenty to be done, of course, but it wasn’t the same as it was back home.

Never mind the fact that her mind was wholly and utterly consumed with thoughts of an annoying man.

She headed to the only place she could think of that would be quiet enough for her to take her special tea. That, and a small part of her wanted to hide. She could not deny that. The events of last night just kept playing over and over in her head.

She couldn’t stop thinking about the ways things could have gone, the night they might have shared, but even though she had done exactly as he had asked her to do, it was not enough. She had made a fool of herself for nothing. Perhaps he had never intended to be with her in that way at all.

She’d been nothing but honest with him since day one, and yet he still refused to trust her. He had no reason to be so guarded when this whole arrangement was supposed to be mutually beneficial. He had upheld his end of the deal so far, so why was he still keeping her at arm’s length?

A laird should be skeptical. In his position, it was only right. But it still hurt her feelings more than she cared to admit.

The herbs that Alice had given her tasted absolutely horrible, but Ceana was going to force herself to drink the whole thing. Anything that would stop the pounding in her head would be most appreciated.

The castle’s library was modest but comfortable. It was large enough to have a fireplace on either side. Bookcases lined the walls, and a large circular sitting area occupied the center of the high-ceilinged room. In the corner, a small staircase seemed to disappear into the wall and reappear on the second floor, where a banister wrapped around the whole room and even more bookshelves lined the walls. But, most importantly, it was quiet.

Ceana placed her tea on the small table in the sitting area and lowered herself onto a large, plush chair with a groan. It was so tempting to just curl up in the chair and go right back to sleep. At least she was less likely to be angry with her husband in her sleep.

Just when she had finished her tea and started to drift off to sleep, the door opened loudly enough to jostle her awake once more. Her eyes felt heavy as she looked up to see Neil’s friend, Arthur, standing in the doorway, seeming very surprised to find her in the library.

“Good morning. I didnae ken ye’d be here. I hope that ye dinnae mind some company?”

Ceana furrowed her brow as she motioned with her hand that he should lower his voice.

Arthur took a seat across from her with a grin. “I was hopin’ to get the chance to talk to ye, since the wedding celebrations ended so quickly.”

Ceana wished that she had more tea because it was certainly starting to take the edge off her headache. The sunlight streaming through the windows didn’t seem quite as painful as it did before.

This was her husband’s closest friend—the last thing she needed to do was to be rude to him at a time like this. It wasn’t his fault that she and Neil were not on the best terms.

“I ken that it was rather rushed, and for that, I hope ye’ll forgive me. I am sorry that ye didnae have the chance to?—”

“Think nothing of it, M’Lady,” Arthur interrupted. “I’m just glad that Neil remarried. I was startin’ to worry about him and his future happiness.”

Ceana sat up straighter in her chair. “What do ye mean?”

Arthur smiled kindly and shrugged. “Given his past…”

His words settled like a rock in her gut for reasons that she didn’t even want to try to understand. “His past? Ye mean because he lost his wife? He’s nae over her yet?”

Her chest tightened uncomfortably. What a silly reaction. She was so upset over a man who didn’t even want her. Who seemed wholly and utterly unable to trust her.

“Nay!” Arthur said quickly, shaking his hand. “That’s nae what I meant at all.”

“Then what did ye mean? Did something happen that ye’re nae tellin’ me about?” Ceana asked before she could stop herself, but she was most certain that she didn’t want to hear his answer.

“Maybe I shouldnae have said anything. I will go check if me friend is available for the feast at me castle tonight,” Arthur said, looking very uncomfortable.

What feast was he talking about? Neil hadn’t told her about any feast! They were supposed to be traveling to another clan. Shouldn’t they have left by now?

Arthur hurried out of the library, leaving her alone with her thoughts, and she hated it.

What happened to Neil for his friend to still be so worried about him? Was he truly not over Jeanie’s mother? It would certainly explain why he had bolted when she had thought they were finally going to consummate their marriage.

If only she could get him to trust her, even just a little bit. If he would just tell her what was bothering him or give her a reason that she could hold on to, then maybe it would make his rejection a little easier to swallow.

Maybe if he could trust her a little, it would lead to something more when she proved that she was more than worthy of it. Maybe then their marriage could turn into something more than mere convenience.

Ceana’s face flushed, and she bent over her lap, trying to control her breathing as realization dawned on her.

Was that what she wanted? She knew damn well how she felt when her husband was near her. The image of his face rarely left her mind.

Damn it.

She did. She wanted something more. And she had no idea if it was even possible for her to have.

Ceana had barely made it out of the library and down the stairs to the main hall when Jeanie came bounding up to her. She would have to make a mental note to thank the healer for that tea. It hadn’t worked as quickly as she might have liked, but the throbbing in her head was reduced to a dull pulse.

“Ceana! There ye are!” Jeanie gasped. She reached for Ceana’s hand and started to pull her toward the main hall, huffing indignantly as if Ceana was walking too slowly.

“Is this the part where I point out that what ye’re doin’ isnae ladylike?” Ceana teased. “Neither was yer behavior in the garden, since we are bringin’ it up.”

Jeanie had the nerve to actually roll her eyes at her. “This is so much more important than all of that!”

Ceana had to cover her mouth with her other hand to keep herself from laughing at the girl’s sass. It truly was no wonder that Neil couldn’t handle her on his own. Did he even have experience with women outside of bed sports?

Oh, out of all the things that she wanted to know about him, she quickly dismissed that one. She certainly didn’t want to know about that . Not truly.

“Can ye tell me what the rush is for, then?” Ceana prompted, but she was mostly ignored.

Jeanie pulled her through the crowd in the castle, not caring how Ceana had to bob and duck to keep from knocking into people. Given the girl’s small stature, that was something Ceana didn’t have to worry about just yet.

“It would be nice to say, ‘Pardon me,’ and wait for them to move aside,” Ceana continued, attempting to impress manners upon her but also finding the whole situation amusing.

“I told ye! This is important!” Jeanie insisted as they entered the main hall.

It was mostly empty, and the tables were pushed to the sides. The same banners hung from the ceiling, but only the main table where Neil usually sat was still made up, as if he would come down here for a meal at any moment.

Ceana could hear the bustle of servants around the castle, various people milling about as they did their chores. But there, on the main table where Jeanie usually sat, a small bowl and a selection of herbs were laid out very neatly.

Only when they were within arm’s reach of the table did Jeanie release Ceana’s hand and crawl under the table to get to her chair instead of walking to it. Truly, she was incorrigible.

“Ye’ll mess up yer dress if ye keep doin’ that,” Neil groused as he joined them.

The moment Ceana heard the sound of his approaching footsteps, she became hyperaware of him. She wanted him closer and farther away. She wanted him to wrap his arm around her waist and pull her into his side as they listened to whatever it was that Jeanie wanted to say.

“Her hem’s nearly a foot deep in mud and grass stains, to begin with. I dinnae ken that the skirt’s long for this world,” Ceana said in a flat voice.

Neil glanced at her but said nothing.

Oh, she was beyond tired of it. If he had something to say, if something was racing through his mind, then he might as well spit it out. She crossed her arms over her chest as her irritation from this morning reared its ugly head once more.

“Look!” Jeanie insisted, prompting them to move closer as she excitedly started to add various herbs into the bowl in front of her. Her tongue stuck out of the corner of her mouth as she focused diligently on the task in front of her.

She added a touch of what smelled like lavender oil, as well as the petals from one of her flowers, and began to make some sort of poultice. When she finished, she presented the bowl to them proudly.

“What is that?” Neil asked as he leaned forward and stared into the bowl.

“It’s a poultice that’s supposed to stanch the bleedin’! I’m goin’ to put it into a jar for ye! That way, the next time ye travel, or hunt, or whatever, ye can use it if ye need to!” Jeanie exclaimed. “What do ye think, Faither?”

Ceana watched Neil’s expression carefully, waiting for his usual dismissal.

But, to her surprise, he smirked. He moved forward, scooping out a bit and spreading it between his fingers. He lifted it to his nose to sniff it, clearly impressed by what his daughter had done.

“Ye learned that from the new healer in just one morning?”

Ceana was surprised too. She had no idea how Alice had managed to get the little girl to settle down long enough to not only learn how to make a poultice but to also retain the information wholly.

“Aye!” Jeanie exclaimed, nearly vibrating in her chair with the need for praise.

If Neil didn’t speak up, Ceana might kick him in the shin.

“That’s fine work, lass,” Neil complimented, his smile widening as he reached over the table to ruffle the girl’s already unkempt hair. She was beaming .

“I’m so proud of ye!” Ceana piped up, wanting to properly encourage her. She would also thank Alice the next time she saw her.

“There’s so much more! Come, sit!” Jeanie urged, and they both did as she asked.

Ceana sat in increasingly uncomfortable silence as Jeanie recounted in great detail what she had learned throughout the morning and how it had all come together. She started to prattle off the things that the flowers could be used for and which ones were safe to eat. Just in case, she added. She then went off on a tangent about how she didn’t think that she would ever actually be able to eat a flower unless she was forced to.

But all Ceana could truly focus on was the warmth radiating from Neil’s body. She was hyperaware of every time he shifted and how her heart started to flutter despite the anger that she still felt toward him.

Suddenly, she felt his knuckles trail down her spine. The sensation was so subtle that she could barely feel it through the layers of her dress, but it was enough to make goosebumps rise all over her skin at the most inconvenient time.

She wouldn’t acknowledge it. No, she wouldn’t. If he meant the gesture as some sort of apology or intimacy, it didn’t matter. She wanted to hear the words from his mouth, and this wasn’t the time.

But, at the same moment, she wanted him to do it again. Desperately.

Ceana was readying herself to head down to the village for the evening to check in on the distillery when Neil stepped into her room. Mercifully, unlike when she had barged into his room, she was properly dressed. Still, her heart leaped into her throat and thudded anxiously at the possibility that somehow, some way, she had been caught doing something that she wasn’t supposed to do.

Her eyes widened, her thoughts instantly drifting back to his treatment of her and the fact that he had not apologized to her yet. She had to actively remind herself that she was supposed to still be upset with him. She was supposed to wait for him to grovel… but that was very unlikely to happen. She knew that.

But the image of him on his knees in front of her was appealing, there was certainly no denying that.

“Can I help ye?” she demanded. “Bargin’ in here like some half-crazed bull. Do ye nae ken how to knock?”

Neil gave her a long look and shook his head. “This is me castle, I dinnae have to knock before enterin’ me wife’s room.”

Ceana started to protest, but he held up a finger and shook his head.

“Besides, ye agreed to always be available to me, remember?”

Her eyes hardened. He was just being an arse to prove a point, she knew that.

She folded her arms across her chest, glowering at him in a silent demand for an explanation as to why he was there. She might not be able to kick him out of a room in his own castle, least of all hers, but she could certainly make him uncomfortable enough that he would want to leave quickly.

“Well, here I am,” she drawled when it became obvious that he didn’t intend to speak.

He was making her do all of the heavy lifting in every conversation. She was starting to think that maybe he got off on it a little bit.

Wretched man.

“I wanted to inform ye that we will be leavin’ for MacAngus Castle within the hour.”

“W-What? Why?”

At that moment, a knock sounded at the door. Neil turned to let whoever it was into a room that wasn’t his. But Ceana was pleased to see the dressmaker walking inside, carrying a large box in her hands.

“I took the liberty of havin’ a dress made for ye. It should be in yer size,” Neil explained, looking to the dressmaker for confirmation. She nodded, and then he motioned for her to place the box on Ceana’s bed.

“I’m perfectly capable of choosin’ me own dresses, M’Laird.”

Neil shrugged. “But it would please me so much if ye would just indulge me.”

“How do I ken that ye havenae picked out the ugliest thing possible?”

Neil smirked and waited until the dressmaker had left the room to answer her. “Because I enjoy the way havin’ a pretty dress on makes ye look… even better when ye get all flustered.”

That line was terrible and shouldn’t have worked. And yet…

Ceana headed over to the box and lifted the lid. As soon as she caught a glimpse of the color inside, she promptly slammed the lid back down. That might have been the prettiest fabric she had ever seen in her life.

She bit her bottom lip, knowing well that if she expressed her appreciation, he would never let her live it down.

“Do ye like it, then?” Neil asked, though it was abundantly obvious from the glint in his eyes that he knew that she did.

“It will do, I suppose,” Ceana fibbed. “Ye havenae even told me what it is that we’re supposed to be doin’ there. I was shocked when yer friend told me about it.”

A long carriage ride with her husband after everything they had been through was going to be nothing short of total agony. She couldn’t decide which of the two possible outcomes would be worse if he kept his hands to himself… or if he didn’t.

“Arthur is hostin’ a feast—something that he always does around this time of year as a show of good faith to his people. It would be poor form of me nae to show up,” Neil answered.

“And I suppose that means that ye will need yer wife to be there as well.”

Neil grinned, a rare flash of teeth that lasted only for a second before it disappeared. “I would like to have ye on me arm, Ceana.”

Her stomach clenched, but not uncomfortably. “Well, when ye put it like that, I suppose I could make an appearance…”

“Ye willnae need to do anything other than stand there and look pretty—socialize a bit. Arthur’s clan and ours work very closely with one another. It would be good for ye to get comfortable and acquainted with his clansfolk. Ye might even remember some of them from our wedding.”

Ceana’s eyes widened. She had been so overwhelmed with nerves that most of their wedding day passed in a blur. Her husband was lucky that she was a very friendly person.

“Ah, is that all, then?”

“Mm,” Neil hummed.

“Well, are ye just goin’ to stand there all day, or are ye goin’ to let me get ready for this event that ye’ve sprung upon me?” Ceana placed her hands on her hips, waiting for him to leave.

“Is that an invitation, wife?”

Ceana couldn’t take the flirting, not when he had turned her down the way he had. If he thought that he could just keep pretending as if nothing had happened, he was wrong. She wasn’t the sort of woman to simply forgive and forget. And never without very good reason.

“Are ye finally comin’ to yer senses then, husband?”

Neil very clearly didn’t care much for her answer, and the silence between them stretched on further as if he was expecting her to change her mind or offer some sort of explanation that she just wasn’t willing to give.

She could imagine how far things would go if she caved. Maybe he would help her undress. Maybe he would help her pull her new dress over her body and whisper compliments about her appearance in her ear until she felt ready to melt into the floor. But what good would that do them?

They had an agreement, after all. It was stupid of her to place any higher expectations on him.

“Go on, then,” Ceana insisted, nodding her head toward the door.

However, for reasons that she couldn’t even begin to name, it hurt all the same when he left.