Merry with a Lawman (Love Beach, Holiday Collection)

12. Searching the Gut

TWELVE

SEARCHING THE GUT

DAVIS

It’s strange being in this courtroom, in a suit and tie, not my uniform, the day of my mother’s sentencing. Been here plenty of times for a case, giving testimony against perpetrators, but never for myself.

Even in the case against the man they call my father, being minors then, neither Addie nor I had to appear in front of him. They took our testimony in an anteroom, recording it for the trial.

Today I face my mother.

The woman ran me over and confessed to it. No trial needed. But she sat in the county jail awaiting sentencing all this time, the legal process taking its sweet time. She may have given me life the day I began growing in her womb, but years later attempted to take my life away by stepping on the gas pedal.

Because of her, I stayed in a coma for weeks. When I awoke, I suffered a severe concussion and memory loss. I had to retrain my brain to walk again and I continue to suffer minor aches and pains, probably forever needing chiropractic care.

I’m lucky it only took six months of recovery, hours of physical therapy and conditioning, and a mental health therapist’s clearance before they let me back into active police duty. I love being an officer; if she’d have taken that away from me, I’d never have forgiven her.

As the guards bring her into the courtroom now, her eyes search, head hopping until she spots me. Then something changes in them. She’s sober, for one, so that’s new. But she’s sad, desperate, pleading with me. Maybe begging my forgiveness.

Shit. I know people can do awful things under the influence, and I know how shitty her parents were to her and her siblings growing up. At least two generations of fucked up people. But I don’t know about forgiving her, yet.

I know it’s important, especially if she’s going to attempt of life of sobriety. And if I’m ever going to get past this. How can either of us move on with this burden of the past hanging around our necks?

Beau and Addie are at my side, and she links her hand with mine and gives it a squeeze. We’ve had long talks about this as their baby grows inside of her. We want to be better than our parents, to erase the stain of abuse. Of course, Addie suffered mainly second hand abuse, as I attempted to always take the brunt of it to protect her.

I know she will be the best mother ever, and she has Beau by her side, a really great guy. I’ll work hard daily to be the best uncle I can be. That’s all I can do. Promise and try. She tells me she’s not worried about me at all, and knows I’d never harm those I love. I hope she’s right. She, of anyone, knows me best, inside and out.

A hand is suddenly on my shoulder from someone behind me. I turn and see that it’s Belle, with Gigi and Jackson taking seats, too. My friends showed up to be here with me. My family. Even Belle, after everything, she’s here for me. Before she can withdraw her hand I capture it, kiss it, nod my head, and mouth Thank you.

Only then do I hear someone clearing his throat. Richardson fills in the seat on the other side of her.

My jaw clenches. I let her hand drop, but fuck me. One touch of her and things become crystal clear. Hundreds of sweet kisses we shared on the pier torment me. All this time, she desired more from me. I can’t let her go; I need her. We’re not over.

In the middle of this courtroom, when I should be paying attention to the sentencing, I yearn for the woman whose presence I can feel behind me like the soul I’ve been missing for far too long. I want to turn to her, wrap her in my arms, and steal her away.

How dare Richardson show up here with her? She’s my friend, not his. It’s like he’s trespassing on us today and I’m the officer to throw him in jail for it. Only that wouldn’t be enough. All sorts of vile things come to mind of what I could do to him so he can never touch my Belle or see her again.

Tearing his eyes out with my bare hands or ripping his head off and shoving it down his throat would be good for starters. I’d never harm a hair on a woman or a kid, but on Richardson? Hell yeah.

I gasp suddenly, very aware of my thoughts straying. Of my subconscious mind forcing me to acknowledge one crude fact: Belle cannot belong to anyone else but me.

The judge rapping his mallet on the desk brings me to focus once again. Out of my frustrations and jealousy. Only I must have been daydreaming too long, because he suddenly announces his decision.

“For the serious nature of Mr. Levigne’s injuries sustained during the hit-and-run accident, Mrs. Levigne, you are sentenced to a maximum jail sentence of ten years, with possibility of parole in five, and a fine of $10,000. The courtroom is adjourned.”

“No!” No sooner does the judge finish than Mom’s wail echoes around the room, a mix of pain and shock like a wild animal who has been stunned by its greatest enemy.

“He said I’d only get a year. He promised me that. Where is he? Where is he?” She searches frantically around for someone. The guards catch her before she gets five feet, attempting to jump the rail between her seat and ours. “Son. Son! You must believe me. I didn’t do it. Please, officers, can I at least hug my children goodbye?”

I’m in shock, my legs unmoving. But Addie jumps up, always the good daughter, and leans over the railing hugging Mom. She’d been there for her through it all this past year, and deserves some kind of gold medal, visiting her weekly in the jail. She passed letters to me from Mom now and then, none of which I read.

“Please.” Mom begs, holding a hand out to me. Her eyes are so clear, I cannot even recognize her. And still I can’t move. Tears stream down her face as the officers start to force her away, and she cries, “Davis, I forgive you. I love you. I would never have hurt you. Please, you have to believe me.”

She forgives me? For many years after the man they call my father was sent away to prison, she harbored every resentment toward me.

“Wait!” I scramble from my seat and the guards all know me. They stop and allow me to approach. With every ounce of decency I have inside of me, I decide if it’ll help her keep her straight and sober, I need to do the same. This is the least I could do for her. “I forgive you, too, Mom.”

She suddenly launches herself at me, arms wrapping tight around me, her mouth at my ear. “It was Chadwick, but he forced me to sign the confession,” she whispers.

The guards rip her off of me, and she’s rendered me stunned once again. She continues to yell, keeping me in her sights. “Search your gut. Find the truth, Davis. Find it. Don’t give up.”

Suddenly I can’t breathe, clawing at the knot in my tie, stumbling backwards. Something’s terribly wrong here. I’m a grown freaking man, having a panic attack, or something. The world spins off of its axes and I run into the lawyer’s desk trying to escape, but land on my back on it, fighting for air.

I’m in the fog again, that dark night in front of my house. As usual, I can’t see what’s happening, but the fog clears just enough. I get a small window to see. There I am on the street, unlocking my car door, when I hear an engine roaring toward me. I turn, caught in the headlights; it’s Mom’s car. I put my hand up to the block the light and see a man behind the steering wheel. Clear as day, a larger person than Mom.

The fog closes again, and the image is gone, leaving me gasping for air on the desk, helpless and flailing.

Belle’s voice comes to me, soothing me, like an angel reaching for me from darkness. Her hands cup my cheeks, the feel of her electric. I open my eyes to her face, beautiful, intensely staring at me. “Sh. It’s okay. Focus on me, Davis. Focus. I’m here for you.”

She was there when I first woke from my coma, too. Always there for me to help through my life.

“Belle,” I whisper between gulps of air.

Addie’s hand slips into mine, her voice coming at me from my other side. “Davis, breathe. Stay with us.”

The two women I love the most in the entire world have run to my side the minute I need them. And if this isn’t what love is…? My heart hurts, it’s so full. Tears come to my eyes. What the fuck is happening to me?

Eventually, I decline the judge’s offer to call for an ambulance, and I sit upright. Addie doesn’t leave my side, but Belle does, being dragged away by Richardson. I see them in my periphery having a discussion. The guy looking none too happy about the way she came to my rescue.

She must win out, because he leaves in a huff, and she’s back at my side. “I want to get you home. Make sure you’re okay.”

“I’d like that. But not sure Richardson agrees.”

“He doesn’t get a say in who my friends are.”

Friends. Ouch. I’d like to kick my ass for the way I’ve been treating this thing between us, too stubborn to see what’s right in front of me. Belle. It’s time to let her all the way in and take my chances that there isn’t a sleeping monster inside of me.