Mind Pucked (Chicago Blue Jays #1)

4. Jackson

4

JACKSON

I tap my toe inside my shoe, trying to calm down as I keep looking at my phone to check the time. I don’t know what it is, but I’m worried I’ve made the wrong decision by hiring Amelia. I’ve wanted to call it all off so many times now, but I don’t have a choice. I need a nanny, and she’s the most qualified.

Plus, Hayden has been looking forward to this. She thinks she’s getting to play with her friend all day.

Friend. She sees Amelia as a friend.

My heart skips a beat, and I place my hand on my chest as the pain gets me for a minute before my heart starts beating the correct way again.

Right now, Hayden is down for her nap, but she should be awake any moment. About the time that Amelia should be walking in the door. Assuming she’s on time.

It feels like my phone takes hours to change just one minute. It’s 1:59 p.m. One minute until Amelia is supposed to be here. So, why isn’t she here yet? Does she even care about how she looks? This job?

Surely, someone who takes this seriously would be here already.

Stop it, Jackson. Stop being an ass. Stop worrying so much.

I think about who I was before my life went to ruin. Was I always like this? So high-strung?

Sure, I was serious about hockey. And I was a hothead—still am. But I don’t think I was anxious. Not really. Not like this.

There’s a light knock at the door, and my head snaps toward it.

I can hear Hayden stirring in her room, and it’s as if my whole body is attuned to the sound. I shouldn’t be able to hear her stirring in her bed upstairs, not from down here, should I?

My nerves are on edge as I open the door to see Amelia holding her purse and a large tote bag.

Sure, she looks too young to be a teacher, but what she’s carrying screams elementary school teacher. Her hair is even up in a bun.

She’s cute as hell. How do I expect to be able to sit here all day, watching her bond with my daughter while she looks like that?

Get it together, Jackson. It’s just another nanny. And she’s too young.

I don’t have a problem with age-gap relationships. And among the guys on the team, it actually happens pretty damn often. But after what I’ve been through, I feel like no one her age could compete with that. No one could compare or relate.

Besides, I can’t do that to Lyla. Lyla is my one and only, even though she’s not here anymore. It’ll be just me and Hayden forever.

But dammit if my cock doesn’t know that as it twitches in my pants.

“I came at the right time, right?” Amelia says, popping her head inside to look around me.

I realize I’ve just been standing in the doorway like some kind of village idiot.

“Yeah, I’m just a little on edge today.”

She gives me a tight smile, and I feel like such an ass. I’m always so grumpy and mean around her. Maybe it’s for the best.

She brings in the tote bag and sets it down next to the couch. Then she turns to look at me and claps her hands together. Yes, I can definitely see her as a teacher.

“So, where’s Hayden?”

“Oh, she’s taking a nap right now. But she’ll be up any…”

The patter of little feet comes bounding down the stairs. It’s Hayden.

“New nanny day?” she asks me, a big smile on her face.

I nod at her, and she comes running into my arms.

Amelia observes our reactions to each other as I pick Hayden up, floating her in the air like an airplane for a moment before settling her on my hip.

I realize for just a moment that Amelia’s looking me up and down. I feel this weird heat between us, and I clear my throat. I can’t have any of that. It would not bode well for either of us.

“Why don’t you go make sure your toys are all cleaned up? I know you were playing a lot before your nap. And let me and Amelia talk for a moment,” I tell Hayden, tickling her belly.

She giggles, and I set her down. She goes right to her playroom, no fighting, no problem.

Sometimes I worry that Hayden is too easy of a kid. That she hasn’t had a chance to be rebellious or think for herself in any way.

I should be grateful, and I am, but there’s that damn worry again. Something about being both mom and dad to her has really gotten to me. If I keep it up, I’m gonna get a damn ulcer and not be able to play hockey.

“So, what’s the plan for today? What is all this?” I point to Amelia’s big bag full of stuff, the one that reminds me of Mary Poppins.

She laughs nervously, and I catch that she’s got a couple beads of sweat on her forehead. Maybe she’s just as anxious as I am.

“Well, if you’re okay with it, I actually brought some stuff to go over colors…and the alphabet. I know they learn pretty much all of that stuff in kindergarten, but sometimes they go through it really fast. It’s really important to work with them at home on some of that stuff before they go to school.”

I blink a few times, not sure how to respond. She’s gone from nanny to full-on tutor. And now that I think of it, I haven’t really been working with Hayden on much other than on speaking. I don’t know if she even knows her colors or her numbers or anything like that.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea on the first day? Don’t you want to bond with her first?”

Amelia’s smile drops, but she nods. She starts swaying back and forth on her feet as she explains, “Yeah, of course. But that’s probably going to be part of our routine. So if we are going to bond, we need to bond over something that we would normally do. So she can get used to it. Besides, I have some other ideas too. We’ll play first, probably with puppets because that’s what I brought. I hope you don’t mind.”

She pulls some animal puppets out of her big bag of tricks. I shake my head, affirming that I don’t mind, because maybe I should say as little as possible right now.

“Well, we’ll play with these, and then I’ll be helping her to do some work on colors and the alphabet. If not, then that’s okay too. I was also wondering if we could go to the park. I actually brought some birdseed that we could feed to the ducks.”

She reaches down to pull out a big bag of birdseed to show me, and I try to stifle a laugh. She’s way overprepared for this. But who am I to judge? I’d much rather that than someone who doesn’t give a shit.

But she’s almost too perfect. It has me looking her up and down for a flaw, but instead all I notice are her cute little curves.

I turn around and head toward the playroom. I don’t want Amelia to see my reaction to looking at her like that. I need to get myself under control, and fast, or this is going to be the worst working interview ever.

I get down to Hayden’s level, placing my hand on her shoulder. “You did a good job cleaning up, but can you put the Barbies away too?” I ask her as I catch her distracted, playing with her two favorite Barbies, nearly mutilated from the overplay.

I make a mental note to get her some new ones next time I have a moment. Or maybe it’s something I can get Amelia to take her to do. Give her some money and send her to the mall so Hayden can pick them out herself.

Hayden does as I say and then runs to give Amelia a hug against her leg.

Amelia leans over and pats and rubs her back, and I notice that she’s careful to give Hayden affection but not any more than she might want.

That’s right, Quinn told her about Hayden’s behavior. The two of them have interacted before at the hockey games.

Well, she seems to know what she’s doing. I should be able to take a deep breath of relief, but there’s still some tension within me that I can’t explain.

“So, Hayden, are you ready to have fun today?” Amelia asks. I notice that while Amelia is using a friendly voice, she’s not using baby talk or anything like that. She’s talking to Hayden like an equal.

Hell, maybe I’ll be learning some stuff from her too.

“Yes! Did you bring any new toys?”

“I did. Do you want to see?” Amelia asks her, getting Hayden all excited.

I interrupt this for a moment, tapping Amelia gently on the shoulder. That scent of hers walks up my nose again, and I hold my breath. “I’ll just be hanging out in the house. Pretend like I’m not here unless you really need something. I’m just observing.”

Amelia nods her understanding, and I walk away, feeling like a stalker. Maybe I should’ve just let her do her thing. But it would be weird if I backed out now.

I watch as Amelia takes Hayden over to her bag of goodies and explains what everything is. Each item is laid out for Hayden to see, so she knows what the day will be like.

I watch Hayden carefully. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her so relaxed with a stranger. Even when she’s playing with other kids, there’s normally this tension in her body.

Maybe all this time what she needed was someone who went to school for this.

Amelia has Hayden choose one of the animal puppets, a zebra, and Amelia picks up a giraffe.

The two of them are pretty cute as they make the animals have a conversation with each other.

A lot of it is nonsense, the same nonsense I experience when I try to play with Hayden, but Amelia just goes with it. It’s like she always knows what she’s trying to say and never hesitates. I remember Quinn saying she was like some kind of kid whisperer. Now, witnessing it for myself, I can hardly believe it.

Again, I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“I’m bored. And hungry.” Hayden’s little voice drifts to me, and I realize she’s done playing with the puppets. She’s already discarded the zebra in the middle of the floor.

I’m about to step in when Amelia stands up and points to the puppet. “Okay. Let’s clean the puppets up so we don’t have a mess later or lose any of them.”

Without further prompting, Hayden does just that and then comes back to Amelia. “Can I have a PBJ?”

Amelia looks up at me for one moment, and I nod my approval.

Amelia puts her hand reassuringly against Hayden’s back and starts leading her to the kitchen. “Sure. Why don’t you help me make one?”

I focus on releasing the tension in all my muscles and try to put my focus elsewhere. My eyes keep drifting back over to them, as if they might need supervision while making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

It’s ridiculous. It makes me wonder about how much worry my wife was dealing with before she passed. Did she ever feel like this? Constant concern that something was going to happen? Or do I have some unresolved trauma? More than I thought?

The rest of the afternoon with Amelia is great. Even though Hayden had never worked on colors or the alphabet before, she’s rocking it, completely cooperating with Amelia as if she’s just playing another game. And Amelia seems to know exactly when to stop—as soon as Hayden starts fidgeting and looking elsewhere.

As Amelia starts cleaning up the material, Hayden looks between us. “Park time?” Her eyes widen at the thought.

How long has it been since I took her to see the ducks at the park? She probably doesn’t even remember. Now I feel really bad.

But maybe I’ve just been too afraid of her getting hurt. She’s so little. She seems even more delicate than most kids her age. Or maybe that’s just me.

“Yes. As long as your daddy says it’s okay.”

Amelia’s words bring me out of my thoughts.

I stand up and go to grab my keys. “Of course. You did such an excellent job today, princess. We’re definitely going to the park.”

“To feed the ducks?” she asks, her eyes getting even wider with excitement.

Amelia laughs affectionately and stands up, helping Hayden up as well.

“Yes,” Amelia tells her. “We’ll get to feed the ducks. But you have to make sure you’re properly dressed. Good shoes to run around the park in.”

Hayden looks thoughtful for a moment and then runs up to her room. She brings her Princess Belle tennis shoes down and shows Amelia how she can put them on herself. They’re Velcro, of course.

Amelia holds out her hand for a high five. “Good job. You’re such a big girl. You’re so much smarter than I even knew. You might be teaching me soon.”

The two of them giggle like conspirators.

We all hop in the car and go to the park, and Amelia rides shotgun. I turn the AC up, blasting it on me. Amelia seems perfectly comfortable turning one of the vents away from her.

I keep catching myself looking over at her, even though all she’s doing is looking out the window or sometimes pointing things out to Hayden.

“Look, there’s an orange car. Finally.”

Hayden claps. They’re playing a game that Amelia calls rainbow cars .

“Now, let’s do yellow!” Hayden announces, so the two of them start looking for the next color car.

I doubt they’re going to find yellow, unless we come across a bus, but the game keeps Hayden occupied in the car. Why didn’t I ever think of something like that?

We get to the park, and the two of them are out before I can say anything, running off with the birdseed. Amelia’s keeping up, so I hang back and give them some space. I find a bench in the shade where I can still see them but I’m not hovering over them.

I wonder how Amelia feels about me breathing down her neck like a paranoid freak all day. If she does this well when I’m watching her, what can she do when she’s left to her own devices?

I have to start trusting her. She’s showing me that I can. This will be good. Maybe the guys can even stop bugging me about the fact that I never come out with them anymore.

And the team has an event tomorrow—a photo shoot in a park. I always like to bring Hayden with me, because I want her to be cultured and I want to get as much time as possible with her. There’s supposed to be a movie playing in the park afterward. I’ll have to make sure Amelia’s on board for all that, though.

I look up when I hear a squeal, and I stand up, feeling a pang of worry. The two of them are being chased by a duck, one who looks really eager to get more food. It keeps trying to peck Hayden, but Amelia gets in the way and chases it off, leading it toward her instead.

The father in me wants to intervene. My body seems to think that there’s danger even though it’s a duck.

Just a duck , I tell myself. Seriously, calm down.

But then I watch as both of them fall over. Hayden gets back up, but Amelia’s still on the ground laughing.

That leaves Hayden to be chased by the duck again all by herself.

I march over there, my face practically purple from anger. Somewhere inside, logic lets me know that my reaction is inappropriate. Especially when I see that Hayden is just fine. She’s just throwing seeds to the duck and laughing.

“Are you good?” I ask, looking down at Amelia.

She grabs her stomach, pulling herself out of the laughter, and nods. “Yes. Just having a lot of fun and I fell. I can’t get back up for all the laughing.”

I offer my hand and yank her up, my face way too close to hers as she dusts herself off. I shouldn’t feel anything, but that twinge is there all over again.

“Look, Daddy. I made a new friend. A duck friend.”

I deflate at the words. Hayden’s having such a good time. There’s no danger here.

“Thank you.” I look at Amelia when I say it, and I back up several steps so we’re not so close to each other.

She nods. “Of course.”

We stay until the sun goes down, stopping for a break at some point to eat some tacos from a food truck for dinner. Hayden groans when I say we have to go back home, but it’s about to be her bedtime, after all.

After Amelia says goodbye, and I tuck Hayden in, the silence starts to envelop me again. After the day Hayden has had, I know she’ll get to sleep right away. I’ll be left alone with this huge hole in my heart that Lyla left. Some days it just gets so lonely.

Eventually, I drag myself into my own bed and lie down, hoping to just crash and sleep. Unconsciousness is better than this emptiness I feel without the woman I was meant to be spending every day of the rest of my life with. Instead, I end up in a dream. One I haven’t had in a while, but it makes me just as hurt and angry as the day I missed out on the finals because my wife was dying.

“Sir, you need to take the detour. We’re cleaning up from an accident that’s under investigation.”

The officer looks like he’s already sick of me as I get out of my car. I’m lucky he doesn’t reach for his gun as I go barreling toward him. Not that I can say for sure I’d care if I was shot. If it weren’t for Hayden needing me, I’d be a goner already.

“I know. It was my wife.” My voice cracks, and tears involuntarily cloud my vision. “My wife was driving. Can I just…I just want to see what happened.”

The officer slowly lowers his arm and purses his lips, but as I clear my vision, I can see the look in his eyes. Pity. How bad was it, that he’s considering breaking protocol for this widower?

“I can give you a few minutes, but you can’t touch anything. Do you understand?”

I nod, knowing he means the words to sound harsher than he’s able to say. Instead, he’s looking at me like I’m some kind of specimen to study. The young dad, robbed of his partner in an accident that the police and doctors can’t even make sense of.

He lets me pass but watches me like a hawk, staying only about a foot or two behind me as I wade through the glass shards and ashes to the smoking, crumbled mess that was once a car.

My hand flies to my chest, and I nearly collapse at first sight. I honestly can’t tell how much of the twisted metal was there for her to be trapped in before it burst into flames, and how much has been taken away from the fire since then.

I stumble forward, some sick part of me needing to see what used to be the front seat. The smell is acrid, and I try to ignore the fact that there’s a hint of burning flesh in the mix. Instead, I focus on the damaged front end, the small opening they had to pull Lyla out of, and the deployed airbag that’s nothing but a burnt scar now.

I almost reach out and touch what’s left of it, the last place she was sitting and alive and vibrant. My wife. But then the officer clears his throat while hanging over my shoulder. It brings me back to my senses, and I jerk back, circling around to the other side where that motherfucker escaped the scene.

There’s less damage to this side, at least from the crash. The seat is all the way back, like it was shoved back to avoid getting crushed. That can’t be a coincidence, unless the person sitting there was gigantic. Even I don’t need that much space.

The fire has done more damage, though it’s clear no one was seated here when it did. The door is wide open, one of the only recognizable parts of the car in its original form. I notice something inside the pocket, almost glued on with the heat—a wallet.

I turn around and point to it, my brows furrowing at the officer. “Did all of your team miss this?” I grit out.

He comes around to the other side of me and looks down before calling over someone in a suit wearing gloves. She gives us a look, and I’m told it’s time to go. “But I want to know whose it is,” I protest as the officer tries to lead me back to my car.

“It’s a wallet!” the detective calls out, and my world stops. They’ll get the bastard now. They’re about to say the name on the ID, but then…

I sit up in a cold sweat in my bed. While it feels like morning, the glaring darkness outside my windows lets me know it’s nowhere near. So, I drag myself to the kitchen for a warm glass of milk, hoping it’ll help me go back to sleep when really, I don’t know that I want to.

I smile and lean into my teammates as several photos are snapped. I don’t know what the hell is taking so long for just a few good pictures, but I don’t work for a magazine. I’m just a hockey player. What do I know?

We’re told to relax and wait to see if this round came out, and I search the crowd gathered around the picnic tables to my right. Amelia’s hard to see since she’s so short, but there she is, shoving her way through with Hayden on her shoulders, the coffee I begged for in her hands.

“Tall Americano, double shot of espresso,” she tells me with a half smile as I reach her. I say nothing, feeling like an addict as I swipe the huge cup and down the hot liquid like it’s oxygen.

“Late night?” she asks.

I almost snap at her that she shouldn’t pry, but then I force my shoulders to relax. It’s not her fault. “Kind of. Couldn’t sleep is all.”

She nods, some kind of knowing look in her eyes. “I have trouble sleeping sometimes too.”

The empathy in her voice nearly kills me. She’s so pretty, young, and fun—I keep forgetting she faced something that sent her running to another country to get over it. I’m tempted to ask her about it, but I wouldn’t want her asking about my issues. So, I leave it alone. I can’t let myself get too close to her anyway.

As the coffee kicks in, I loosen myself up and pull them to the side, swooping Hayden into my arms from atop Amelia’s shoulders. She squeals with laughter as I whoosh her around in the air and then hold her, propping her up against my strong arm.

I look at Amelia for the first time and nearly growl. This is her first time at one of our events. It’s a photo shoot with our new jerseys. Coach booked us a feature in a sports magazine. We’ll all get a pretty penny from it to put away for our kids or whatever. But Amelia is in these cute little jean shorts that accentuate her tight ass. She’s wearing a purple top tucked in and a studded belt. Her hair is in a braid except for these two face-framing tendrils that are begging to be touched.

What the hell was she thinking?

Hayden’s playing with my face, and Amelia squints at me. “You okay?”

I avert my gaze and I’m about to answer when a couple of the guys walk over. Vaughn has his son Gabe with him, the only reason I don’t immediately throttle him. Hayden and Gabe love to play with each other. Vaughn’s soon-to-be ex-wife waves from a few feet away, and I give her mental kudos for being such a good co-parent after Vaughn cheated with my last nanny.

Oliver and Felix are coming our way too, and then I spot Teresa, Stephen’s wife, trying to run after their son Max who’s on his way over to see Hayden and Gabe.

I put Hayden down, and the kids immediately start chasing each other in a game of tag only they know the rules to.

They start to wander toward the pond, and Amelia follows to watch over them, leaving me and the guys alone.

“So, that’s the new nanny, huh?” Felix asks, pointing toward Amelia and the kids.

I tighten my jaw and nod, hoping he isn’t about to say anything about her. Felix is a friend, and I’d hate to lose him over this, but I’d deck him if he went for her. I can’t have that shit happening again.

But it’s Vaughn who says, “She’s a cute one.”

I turn on him, my fists clenched at my sides. “She’s off-limits.”

Vaughn puts his hands up in surrender and backs away slowly, leaving me digging my nails into my palms. This rage just won’t go away. The thought of Vaughn touching Amelia has me feeling like I could turn over all the cars in the parking lot like some kind of wild animal.

Dean comes up behind me—Quinn is dragging their kids off to play with Hayden and the others—and he places his hand on my shoulder. He leans over and says, “It’s okay. Vaughn’s not going to be dumb enough to do that again.”

I unclench and turn back to find Felix and now Oliver staring at me.

“What?” I ask, a little harshly.

Felix winks. “A little possessive for this one, aren’t you?”

Dean still has his hand on my shoulder, and I feel him shaking his head behind me. But Felix never knows when to stop.

“Hey, I’d be on edge with that around too if I hadn’t gotten laid in a while. My cousin is still available. I can set the two of you up. She’s not clingy, and she’s six months out of things with her fiancé. I’m sure you’d hit it off.”

I shake my head, ready to let him have it. I’m sick of him trying to set me up. Sick of all of them doing it. I was married. They just don’t get what that means to me. I know I should move on one day, but Hayden is still young, and I made a commitment to Lyla. How can I forget about that like it didn’t happen?

I’m about to tell him exactly that, and make it clear what I’ll do if he doesn’t knock it off, when Oliver reads the tension in the air and offers, “You know, I’d like to meet this cousin of yours. Why are you never trying to set me up, Felix?”

The two of them go off on their own to talk about it, leaving me watching the kids from afar with Dean at my side.

“You okay, buddy?”

I sigh, turning to him. “Yeah, I just didn’t get much sleep last night. I started having dreams about the crash again.”

“We’ll all understand if you can’t stick around for the movie. Your nanny can stay. I know she and Quinn seem to get along. You can take a nap and pick them up after.”

I shake my head. I promised Hayden I’d bring her to this. The team members with families specifically asked to do the shoot today so we could have a picnic afterward and watch the showing of Frozen in the park. It’s Hayden’s favorite Disney movie. “Nah, I can’t do that to Hayden. I had some coffee. I’ll be fine as long as Vaughn stays off of it.”

“We’ll all watch him for you.”

“One more photo, guys!” Coach calls to us, bringing us back to formation. Both Dean and I groan as we get back into position and plaster on our million-dollar smiles for the photographer. A couple more snaps, and they start packing up as the sun starts going down.

“Thank God,” Oliver grumbles, walking past me toward the parking lot. “See you at the next practice.”

I wave at him and make a beeline for Hayden, whose Frozen shirt is already dirty from playing with the boys. She sees me and comes running, and I catch her, scooping her up.

Amelia comes over to us, a bright smile on her face as she watches us together. That look shouldn’t make me feel warm all over, but it does.

Maybe Felix is right—it’s just that I haven’t been on a date or even had a one-night stand for the past two years. It’s making me desperate. I don’t know if I have any plans to change that anytime soon, but if my nanny keeps making me hard, I may not have a choice.

“Are you ready to eat and see Frozen ?” I ask Hayden, and she claps happily.

Amelia laughs at her reaction and leans in to tickle her, accidentally brushing my arm. Our eyes meet for a moment, and I swear the grin falls from her face before she moves away a few steps.

The mood gets better, and Vaughn stays away from us as we eat and the sun goes down. Just after sunset, the movie starts, everyone camped out in chairs or on blankets where we can see the large projection screen. Max, Hayden, and Dean’s kids are playing and dancing between our blankets as Amelia keeps a good eye on them.

With her here I can actually relax, and I’m tempted to just doze off, except that Hayden’s excitement as she stands up and gets ready to sing along to the songs has me remembering I don’t want to miss this. I have to hold all these memories for myself and for Lyla.

By the end of the movie, Hayden has tired herself out and is actually cuddling Amelia in a way I didn’t expect. I remain still and just watch them. Even Quinn notices and gives us the thumbs up. Hayden has known Quinn her whole life and still won’t do this with her.

It’s late, almost Hayden’s bedtime when the movie is over, and I have to carry her to the car. I buckle her in, thinking she’ll fall asleep on the way home, and then get in the driver’s seat next to Amelia. When the engine starts, Hayden pops up in the back seat like she was never tired at all.

Amelia and I laugh, and Hayden claps, pointing to Amelia. “Ami, Ami!” she calls her, and as I back out of the parking space Amelia turns her head so she can look at her.

“What is it, Hayden?”

“Did you see me? I danced with Max! Max is so fun! But Gabe, he did not like Elsa. That’s stupid.” I see her in the rearview mirror, crossing her arms over her chest with a sour face.

“Oh, well, I love Elsa. Maybe he just likes a different character.”

“Maybe,” Hayden concedes. “But then he chase me. All over the place, so I’m dirty.”

I blink, trying not to interject as she becomes a complete chatterbox with Amelia. She’s never done this either, and it warms my heart in a good but very dangerous way. I can see us both getting far too attached to this woman next to me.

What if she leaves? What if she’s too good and I can’t hold back?

I shake my head and turn my attention back to their conversation as I make the turn onto our street.

“You can have a bath tomorrow.”

“No, now!” Hayden wines.

Amelia shakes her head. “You need sleep. Besides, tomorrow means you have more time, so you can play with all your toys and have bubbles!”

“Bubbles!” That gets her attention quick. “Pink, smelly bubbles?”

Amelia looks at me as I pull into the driveway, confusion marking her face. I laugh. “It’s a fizzy bath bomb that she likes. It turns pink. That’s what she means. It smells like strawberries.”

“Oh.” She turns back to Hayden. “Well, if your dad can show me where they are, then I’m sure you can have one. That sounds so cool.”

“Very cool.”

I let Amelia get Hayden out of the car and follow them both up the stairs to Hayden’s bedroom. Amelia helps her brush her teeth and get into her pajamas, and once Hayden’s in bed she goes to leave the room, but Hayden squeals, “I want Amelia to read to me tonight! Hmph!”

I turn to her and shrug. “I guess tonight she gets what she wants.”

Amelia nods. “She’s a princess tonight.”

I trade places with her, trying not to touch any part of her as I go to leave the room while she and Hayden decide what book to read for bedtime. I sneak down the stairs, not wanting to disturb them while they’re building such a good connection. I go into the kitchen instead and instantly know I need a drink.

I lean against the counter and run my hand through my hair, trying to shove down all these conflicting emotions. This is what I wanted. I wanted Hayden to bond with someone—especially another woman. It’s just so hard seeing that it isn’t her mother or my wife.

And the way it’s affecting me is baffling. Maybe it’s just that nurturing part of me I’ve embraced since becoming a single father.

I shake it off and go into the cabinets, opting for some whiskey tonight. I add some ice into a glass and then pour probably a little more than I intended. But I know it’ll help me sleep, and I need that. Plus, Hayden will sleep like a baby after getting all that energy out.

I take the drink into the living room and set it on the coffee table long enough to go to the bedroom and get changed. I don’t want to be in my jersey all night.

I must forget to close the door because I hear a mutter of “sorry” as Amelia creeps past before I get my shirt on.

“Oh, sorry. Just so used to living alone,” I say bitterly, coming out to find her leaning against the side of the stairs. I walk past her and over to the couch, letting my whole body sink in like I might actually become one with the piece of furniture.

“Bourbon?” she asks, pointing at my glass.

I raise it to my lips and take a sip, letting the liquid cool and burn at the same time, all the way down until it drops into my stomach. I swear I instantly feel better. “Whiskey,” I correct before drinking some more.

I look away, assuming she’s just waiting to make sure Hayden’s asleep and doesn’t need anything. It’ll be better for us both if I simply pretend she’s not here.