Mind Pucked (Chicago Blue Jays #1)

9. Amelia

9

AMELIA

T he longer I think about it the more guilty I feel. I know it’s stupid and unproductive, but it enters my head at the oddest times.

Most often it happens when I’m playing with Hayden, and she gives me one of her silly expressions that I know she’s learned from Jackson. On her they’re innocent and adorable. On him, they’re hot and very appealing.

Why do I keep coming back to this? It’s never going to be erased. I can’t change what happened. Do I actually wish I could? I don’t really know, and that’s why I can’t seem to get past it. Beating myself up about it over and over again isn’t helping me at all.

It’s making me a nervous wreck and causing me to pay less attention to my job, which I shouldn’t ever allowed to happen considering my job involves the welfare of a precious, innocent little girl.

“I need a red block,” Hayden announces as she pokes me on the hand I have covering a blue one. “You’re silly today. I know more colors than you.”

See? I can’t even listen to her requests with an open mind. I’m in another world and that’s not okay. Any other day I’d have already anticipated her need and the red block would be waiting for her before she even asked.

Worse, I have no idea how many times she asked me for it before she poked me to get my attention.

Not good, Amelia. Quit dwelling on the past and making stupid mistakes.

I’m in this situation to get closer to Jackson in order to discover what happened to Preston, not to go to bed with him. Sleeping with your enemy is always a bad idea, even repulsive in some cases.

Although, in this case it’s definitely not repulsive. The chemistry between us is almost ballistic, and I can’t deny how easily he turns me to mush with just a smile.

“Please,” Hayden says again.

“I’m so sorry, sweetie. Here you go,” I say, picking up the red block from beneath my knee and passing it to her. “Look at what a wonderful tower you’ve built. I’m so impressed. Do you live there?”

“A princess does,” she calmly replies. “I’m Daddy’s princess. Not a real one.”

I tweak her cute little nose and laugh. “Of course you’re a real one. Who told you differently?”

“Joseph did. He says princesses live with queens and kings, not hockey dads.”

Of course it was Joseph, Quinn’s son. He likes to tease, and Hayden is too young to understand. Joseph also enjoys bursting fantasies whenever he can. He’s a lot like the hockey players he idolizes. Men are all the same, starting at birth.

“Don’t worry about what anyone says, Hayden. We can be anything we want to be, including a princess. It’s all about attitude. When someone says something against what you believe just smile and tell them you can choose to be anything you want and so can they.”

“Like this,” Hayden exclaims while giving me her best cheeky smile, which is simply too adorable for words to explain.

“That’s perfect. No one can resist that grin. And it’s definitely a princess grin. But if you aren’t the princess in your tower, who is?” I ask, trying to keep her engaged in her project.

“Mommy,” she states. “I just know she is.”

My heart breaks as she speaks. Her little face is full of joy as she continues to build, not knowing how difficult it is for me to hear her words. My smile is gone.

I forget sometimes that I’m not the only one who lost a loved one in that wreck, and the guilt over using this nanny job to find out why I lost my brother returns tenfold.

“If she’s in that tower, then she’s watching you grow as tall as it is,” Jackson says from behind me. “And she’s blowing you extra kisses from the window.”

He swoops Hayden off the floor and swings her high into the air. She giggles like she always does, then circles his neck with a big hug, squeezing until she makes him pretend to squeal. It’s amazing how resilient children are.

“Daddy’s home,” she announces happily.

“I see that. I bet you’re as surprised as I am,” I reply.

He stares at me for an instant as if wondering why I sound miffed. I sort of wonder why I do as well. It’s his home, his child, and his life.

He can come home early anytime he wants to. I don’t have a right to get frustrated and definitely not angry, yet here I am building up a huge pile of both that would reach the top of Hayden’s tower.

“I think it’s a surprise to all of us. Maybe I should have called ahead, but when they told us to leave early because of an electrical problem in the building we all raced out like a bunch of kids released from school. I’m sorry if I’m screwing up some big plans or something,” he apologizes as he tickles Hayden.

“Outside, Daddy. Play outside,” she says between giggles.

“We have to clean up the blocks and have a snack first,” I remind her.

“Daisy,” she whimpers with a pouty face she uses to get her way. She’s already learning to use her womanly wiles, especially where Jackson is concerned. He’s ready to give in, so I quickly speak up.

“Daisy has to eat a snack too. Her mom will bring her over in about thirty minutes, so there’s no time to argue. Let’s put the blocks away so we can have some grapes and string cheese. We need energy to play outside,” I explain.

“Can I count the grapes? I can count all the way to five.” She climbs out of Jackson’s arms and begins skipping around the room, picking up stray blocks.

“Absolutely. I’m sure your daddy won’t mind. I think he may want me to leave so he can have you all to himself for the rest of the day.”

“No, please don’t,” he says in mock terror. “Don’t leave me alone with two little girls. I wouldn’t know what to do with them.”

“Just think of them as small women. Smile and give them a lot of attention. Tell them how pretty they are and never let them know you’re nervous,” I jokingly advise.

“Haha, that’s not as funny as you seem to think it is. I’m fine with Hayden, but other little kids confuse me. I can’t read their emotions the way I do hers. That’s your territory. Besides, Daisy and her family are new to the neighborhood. I imagine her mother would prefer a woman hanging around. What mother in her right mind would leave her daughter with a hockey player?”

“You have a point,” I concede. His charming smile and real nervousness are almost too much for me. I won’t leave him stranded, nor will I disappoint the two little girls I promised to teach how to play hopscotch.

I decide it’s time to stop torturing myself with guilt. Jackson doesn’t appear to feel guilty about anything, so why should I? Instead of worrying about what is now water under the bridge, I’m going to use it to discover the truth about what happened to Preston. Attraction can be a weapon, and I’ll use it that way.

Once the toys are put away, Hayden has a snack, and she puts on her tennis shoes, and then we all go out to greet Daisy and her mother. Jackson’s charm goes to work immediately, and he doesn’t seem to have any nerve issues when he flirts with the new woman in town.

I roll my eyes as I watch the woman practically fall all over him before I remind her she has an appointment with her dentist, which is why we’re having the playdate to begin with.

We lead the kids out the back door. As we do, Jackson asks, “Is there a problem? You weren’t acting very friendly, and I assumed you got along great with the new neighbor. Am I wrong? Is there some reason Hayden shouldn’t be playing with Daisy?”

I sigh and answer, “There’s absolutely no reason the girls shouldn’t be best friends. They get along great. I suppose her mother melting at your charms just like every other woman just strikes me wrong. She’s married—and happily so, according to her—so why does she need to fall all over you?”

He laughs and replies, “She was just being a fan. Some women like hockey. I thought you did too. Isn’t that why you come to the games?”

“It wasn’t hockey she was flirting with. That was all for you. And before you say it, no it wasn’t because you’re a great player. It was simple sexual tension.”

This time his laugh echoes across the back yard, startling birds out of the trees. “You sound jealous.”

“As if,” I say, sounding like a fifteen-year-old who’s crushing on the quarterback.

His chuckle follows me into the yard. The entire time I’m drawing the hopscotch game on the concrete I feel his eyes on me. Out of spite for the way he’s making me squirm, I do my best to make him uneasy as well.

It’s a simple matter to make sure I swing my hips as I walk, bend over in a way that shows off my bottom, and sometimes put a little shake into moving my arms so that I draw attention to my breasts. After all, I have to strategize for this war I’m fighting.

Eventually, I forget he’s there. It’s far too much fun to teach the girls how to play and hear their joy when they manage to jump on one foot without falling.

I’m concentrating so hard on the girls it startles me to hear Jackson call my name. Neither little girl pays any attention to the disruption, but it’s automatic for me to turn at the sound of my name.

“I got us some of the tea you made from the refrigerator. Sit and enjoy it. I think the kids have the hang of things now,” Jackson offers.

I glance from the giggling girls to the icy glass of cold tea, trying to decide between duty and refreshment. The tea wins.

I tell myself my decision has nothing at all to do with the handsome man I’ll have for company or the thought of talking through some things we need to deal with as soon as possible.

“I’ll be on the porch if you need me,” I tell the girls. I shouldn’t have bothered. They’re both racing over the grass toward a ball that’s suddenly more interesting than the hopscotch drawing.

“Hayden’s happy. Daisy seems to be her ideal playmate,” Jackson informs me as I take the tea he holds out to me.

“So far everything is going well. It’s when they get bored or tired I worry about. Children, even when they really like each other, tend to squabble under those circumstances,” I reply.

“I’m sure you already have a remedy planned for that. You’re great at thinking ahead,” he answers.

“Not always,” I murmur.

I can see that he knows exactly what I’m talking about. His own discomfort shows on his expressive face, just as Hayden’s face tends to show all her emotions.

“That was all on me,” he says without explaining what he means. He doesn’t need to, since we’re both on the same page of that script. “I can’t really put any of the blame on you. I made the choice, and now we’re stuck with the consequences.”

“Just what are the consequences, according to you?” I ask.

“Awkwardness, embarrassment, and acknowledgement of our obvious attraction to each other. My behavior was out of line. You’re an employee and I’m your employer. At least, that’s how it should be. I may be ready to apologize for what happened, but…a part of me doesn’t really regret it. I’m mostly sorry for the distance and awkwardness it’s caused. I don’t want what happened between us to interfere with Hayden’s needs,” he explains.

“I’d never let anything cause a problem with Hayden. She has nothing to do with us, at least not at this point. It took two of us giving in to our desires to do what we did, so I’m just as guilty as you. I’m hoping we can just put it in the past and go on as if it never happened,” I say.

“I’d like to think that’s possible, but I’m not certain it’s that easy. I’m sorry, I truly am. However, forgiving and forgetting are two different things. Even if you forgive me I can’t forget it happened. It felt too good, too right in that moment. Now, it feels like a misjudgment, a mistake. I don’t know how to reconcile it in my head.”

He seems contrite and sincere. He’s not even looking me in the eye. He’s gazing out at the yard where the girls are kicking the ball back and forth, yet he’s not actually seeing them.

It makes me wonder what he is seeing. Maybe an image of us wrapped around each other? Or of him kicking me out of his home?

“I don’t understand what you’re trying to tell me,” I admit.

His laugh is contemptuous. He slugs back the rest of his tea before replying, “Neither do I. That’s the biggest problem I’m having. I don’t exactly know what I feel, need, or want. It’s all tangled up in my head. The past and the future can’t coexist in my mind. It’s too confusing and unsettling for me to handle. My imagination goes haywire when I try to figure it all out.”

“I suppose confusion is understandable in this situation,” I answer. “You have needs and desires, but I’m the nanny. You certainly didn’t expect to get hot over me any more than I expected to be attracted to you. Let’s just try to forget it. I know you said you can’t, but there’s got to be a way to get back to how things were before this happened.”

“Either you aren’t listening or I’m not saying this right. I don’t think I want to go back to before. And yet, I don’t think I want to go forward either. It’s all mixed up. Maybe I’m not ready for another woman to mean something to me, or maybe you aren’t the right someone. Then again, you might be.”

He blushes and stands to pace the porch before adding, “I’m not looking for a serious relationship. Playing around is easy, simple and freeing in a way I haven’t had in a while. I’m not looking to give that up. Truthfully though, I’m not meant to be a player either. I don’t enjoy it like the others do. I miss sharing a home with my wife, having meals together and knowing she’s in the stands watching me, even rooting me on.”

I’m shocked by his admissions and humbled that he’s confiding in me. “Okay, how about we take it slow, one day at a time. We’ll try for an honest friendship first. If it becomes more, then so be it. If not, then no harm is done. I can do that. Can you?”

His intense gaze finally meets mine. He struggles a little before answering, “Yes, I think I can.”

Over the next couple weeks, we try out our plan. It seems to be working quite well, and a friendship and understanding is slowly building.

One evening I take Hayden to a new pizza place that has small kiddie rides and games for everyone. Jackson meets us after his practice. A giggling Hayden snags him to teach her how to play Skee-Ball because she keeps hitting the plastic barrier above the ramp.

“Why haven’t you helped her with this?” he asks with a knowing grin.

“I think you’ve already figured that out. I suck at it. Who do you think showed her how to toss the ball and hit the guard in the first place?”

“I’m assuming you didn’t do well with baseball either,” he teases.

“I’m not gifted at sports. I’d rather watch. What about you? Can you play anything other than hockey?” I ask, trying to get a feel for who Jackson really is behind all his confidence.

“I do okay with most sports, but hockey is the only one I excel at or truly enjoy. It just seems to come naturally. You know, like you with kids. If you don’t like these types of games why did you bring Hayden to this particular pizza place?” he inquires.

“So she can discover what she likes and excels at. Obviously not Skee-Ball, but we’ll find something else. Besides, I intend to play some of the old arcade games. They’re my favorites. I bet I can beat your ass at any of them,” I challenge.

We settle Hayden at a table with a snack and play a competitive round of Asteroids. I manage to beat his score, barely. It’s fun and I discover Jackson is able to relax his arrogant attitude when he’s enjoying himself.

He gets us beers and we continue asking questions about favorite colors, television shows and other trivial things that give us insight to who we really are inside. It’s so adorable when Hayden joins in telling us her favorites as well. It feels almost as if we’re a family.

All that swiftly changes when Jackson does mention family.

“My mother called, and she’s invited us to a family gathering over the weekend. I know it’s short notice. It was for me as well. But I’d appreciate it if you’d come with us. Hayden does better at interacting with people when you’re with her. She looks to you for guidance. She’s gotten really attached to you very quickly.”

“I’m attached to her too. How can I not be? She’s precious, smart, and caring. But…I don’t think me going to a family function will go over well with your parents. You didn’t say they invited me, or even mentioned me at all. I’m not on their guest list. I won’t intrude. Hayden will do fine without me,” I argue.

“ I won’t do fine without you. I need your help with Hayden. I’m inviting you. It’ll be fine, I promise. Please, say you’ll come.”

“Please, Amelia,” Hayden adds.

“Fine. But if your parents get upset, it’s all on you. I tried to warn you.” I’m giving in because Hayden asked, not because of the eager expression on Jackson’s face.

When the day arrives, all I want to do is back out and spend the day at home. The thought of facing Jackson’s family is almost too much to bear. My discomfort rises as the time to leave draws closer.

Jackson is picking me up, and I won’t go back on a promise I made to Hayden. If I stay home, I would have to teach her that grownups don’t keep promises, which I’m not willing to do.

I’ll set a good example no matter how I feel inside. She’s been so excited and eager for this all week, and I’m ashamed for even considering another option.

Both Hayden and Jackson are in great moods when they pick me up. They don’t appear to notice how upset I am. I guess I’m better at hiding my nervousness than I thought. Maybe I’m worrying about nothing, and it’ll all be fine, just as Jackson promised. Yet somehow I don’t think so.

I quickly discover how right I am. His mother greets him with a smile and gives Hayden a hug and kiss. Then she catches sight of me. Her lips lose their smile and turn down at the corners. I can read the disapproval on her face.

Jackson sees it too. Before his mother can say anything, he immediately proclaims, “This is Amelia. I invited her along for Hayden’s sake. They’re a great team and Hayden does better in social situations when she’s around.”

“You shouldn’t have taken it upon yourself to bring her,” his mother replies with a hint of hostility. “I extended the invitation to you and Hayden. There’s no need for the nanny to be here. I’m certain Hayden will be just fine for one day without her. I’m quite capable of watching my own granddaughter, for goodness sake. I’d prefer you sent her back home, Jackson. This is a family gathering after all.”

Jackson is chastised and embarrassed. He knows I’m hurt and it’s all his fault. His lips move as if to argue with his mother, but he doesn’t. He already knows what the outcome will be—he’ll lose and I’ll suffer more embarrassment. Hayden will cry or have a temper tantrum. So, he does the only thing he can to salvage some dignity.

“Here, take my keys,” he says, turning to me. “It seems you get the day off after all. Thank you for changing your plans for us. I truly thought it was okay to bring you. I’ll listen to your advice next time.”

“How will you get home?” I ask.

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll manage. There’s always a way to fix things, so I’ll be fine. So will Hayden. I’ll make sure of it.”

I walk back to the car, pretending I’m fine. I hold my back straight and walk slowly, rather than running the way I want to. I don’t look back, even when Hayden starts to cry and ask why I’m leaving. I block out her grandmother’s retort, not wanting to know what she says.

I’m hurting bad enough without knowing what ugly things she’s saying about bringing the hired help to a family gathering. Hayden doesn’t see me as help. She knows me as a friend. I hate that someone may change that for her. It’s wrong on so many levels.

It’s stupid to be hurt over this. I know better. I’m the one who warned Jackson it was a mistake. I should be glad I’ve gotten a reprieve. The entire day would have been awkward and uncomfortable. Now I’m free to make other plans—plans I didn’t have even before Jackson asked me to come along.

He only assumes I have a busy social life. He doesn’t know I’m obsessed with finding answers about my brother’s disappearance.

In the spur of the moment, and to end my pity party, I call Brooke. We need a girls’ night out for a change. She’s fast to agree and is willing to come to Jackson’s house to get me so I can leave his car there.

“Okay, I know something big must have happened to bring this sudden party mood on. So, spill,” she says when I get in the car.

“It’s a long story. I’ll explain, I promise, but I’d like to have a couple drinks to relieve the frustration first. Can you wait?”

“Oh, wow! It sounds like something juicy. I’ll wait. It won’t be easy, but I’m betting it’s worth it. Nachos, drinks, and dancing coming up. I know just how to get your mood turned around. Let’s go party. You could use some fun in your life. You spend far too much time with kids. It’s time for some adventurous adulting.”

Over margaritas and nachos, I explain about Jackson’s invitation and his mother’s reaction to my presence. Brooke is as appalled as I am.

“Well, I’m sure Jackson will say something to her about it once Hayden is occupied elsewhere. I can’t see him letting it go. I bet he’s embarrassed and angry too. I wonder whose side his father will take. Anyway, forget about that for now. It’s the old hag’s problem not yours. If she wants to be prejudiced against the help then let her be. One of these days she’ll have to face the fact that she can’t take care of herself and her ‘help’ won’t be there,” Brooke says, toasting me with her drink.

She’s right. I need to forget about it. I push it to the back of my mind and enjoy my night of freedom.