Mind Pucked (Chicago Blue Jays #1)

22. Jackson

22

JACKSON

I stand in front of the mirror in my room, pulling a Jays jersey over a white T-shirt. My heart thumps in my throat as anger fills me up all over again.

I don’t want to see Amelia at all, but I guess it’s impossible to get what I want.

I didn’t feel right taking her away from Hayden after all this. Now that I’ve had a chance to think about things a little more, I wish I’d just fired her as well.

Hayden loves her—and that is the only reason I didn’t. That little girl has been through so much in her short little life, I couldn’t take away someone who makes her so happy.

I leave my room and head to Hayden’s room to get her ready. Once she’s dressed and ready to go out with Amelia, I help her with her shoes and we head downstairs. I grab her snack bag and pack her a drink and then I head back to the living room with her.

“Why don’t you love Amelia anymore?” she asks me as we wait by the front door.

“Honey…” I pause, trying to think of something to say that will make sense to her. “Sometimes, adults just decide not to talk to each other anymore.”

“Is it otay if I still talk to her, Daddy?” she asks, and it breaks my heart.

“Of course you can talk to her,” I say to her softly. “Daddy would never take that away from you.”

“Good, because I love her, Daddy,” Hayden says, and sadness flows through me all over again.

The amount of anger and frustration I feel over finding out that not only is Preston alive, but is Amelia’s brother, is insurmountable. The entire time we’ve been together, the entire time she’s been here with my daughter, that woman assumed I had something to do with her brother’s death. You can’t just forgive something like that.

I can’t.

No matter how many times I’ve tried to bring myself to forgive her, forgiveness doesn’t come, and anger resides in all the places where love used to be. I still miss her fiercely, but something in me is completely broken now that she’s not here, but only she’s to blame for that.

A knock sounds at the door before I can say anything else to Hayden. I know it’s Amelia, but it seems strange. She was practically living here before, and now she’s knocking at the door.

I reach over and unlock the door.

“Amelia!” Hayden squeals as she runs into her arms.

“Are you ready to go to the park?” she asks my little girl as she picks her up, though her voice seems strained.

“Yes, is Daddy coming with us?” Hayden asks as she turns her attention to me.

“No, Daddy has to go run a few errands and head to practice,” I say to her as I reach over and kiss her on the head. “You and Amelia are coming back here later. She’s going to fix dinner for you and hang out until Daddy gets home.”

“Will you love her when you get home?” she asks, and my mind races as my eyes meet Amelia’s just for a moment.

“We talked about this, baby,” I say to her softly.

“I know, Daddy,” she says sadly, but then she turns back to Amelia. “Let’s go to the park!” she squeals. “Bye, Daddy,” she adds as she leans over and kisses my cheek.

I watch as Amelia puts her down and takes her hand to walk her to the park.

“Oh, Amelia—” I say, and she spins around like she’s shocked I’ve spoken to her. “You forgot this,” I say, handing her the snack and drink bag I packed for Hayden.

“Oh.” She reaches over and takes the bag. “Thanks,” she says, before turning and walking away with my daughter.

I close the door as my mind runs a mile a minute. My heart is running just as fast, if not faster. I don’t know that I can keep doing this…seeing Amelia repeatedly is going to be the death of me.

This would be so much better if I never saw her again.

I huff as I walk into the kitchen and grab my keys from the counter. I pause as I replay the memory of me fucking Amelia in here, on this same counter. The day I first asked her to be mine. We came so close to being caught by Hayden.

I fight a small smile at the memory, but then everything else comes rushing through my mind, and the moment’s gone.

I head toward the side door to get to my car. When I open the door, I’m shocked to come face-to-face with my mother. She’s about to knock, standing there with a chocolate cake in her hands.

“Mom,” I say, stepping aside to let her in. “What are you doing here?”

“Does a mother need a reason to visit with her only son?” she asks, looking around as if looking for something. “I saw Hayden and Amelia walking to the park,” she adds as she goes over to the stove and begins making herself a cup of hot tea.

“Mom, I really have to get going,” I say. “I have?—”

“Yeah, I know, practice,” she says. “Well, Coach isn’t going to kick you off the team for talking to your mother, is he?”

“I…I…” I begin, but then I throw my hands up and sit down at the table with her as she offers me a cup of tea as well. I take it.

She then goes to work cutting a couple pieces of the cake and handing me one on a small plate with a fork.

“Eat,” she commands as she finally sits down with me, her cake and tea in hand.

“Yes, ma’am,” I say, as I sip my tea and take a bite of my mom’s cake. “Satisfied?” I smile at her through the bite.

“Not completely, but somewhat appeased.” She smiles too, and then takes a bite of her own piece of cake. “Make sure Hayden and Amelia get a piece of this, will you?” she adds as she takes a sip of her tea.

“I’ll make sure Hayden gets a piece,” I say dryly, wondering why my mom has come all the way from Ohio just to bring me cake.

“And Amelia,” she adds.

“Mom, what are you doing here?” I ask, trying not to sound rude. “I mean, I love seeing you, but we just saw you in Ohio, and boom—here you are. You didn’t mention a trip here when we talked.”

“Well…” She pauses for a moment. “While I don’t think I need an excuse to come visit my baby boy, granddaughter, and Amelia, I am in town for just one day on business.” She smiles. “I thought you could use one of my cakes…you are rather thin these days.” She pokes at my stomach, and I roll my eyes. “I didn’t know I was coming over until this morning and I just thought I’d pop in.”

“Well, I have to head to practice, and you already know Hayden isn’t here right now…but I hate to just leave you.”

“I thought I might visit with you until you leave, then stay and do some work on my laptop and visit with Hayden and Amelia until my meeting once they get home.” She beams.

“Mom,” I say, reaching across to take her hand, “since you’re planning on doing that…” I pause for a moment, trying to think of the best way to tell her. “You need to know that Amelia and I are no longer together.”

“What? Why?” she asks. “But you’re letting her still work for you?”

“First of all, I don’t want to get into it, and second…yes. Amelia and I might not have worked out, but Hayden loves her and until I find someone just as good as Amelia to replace her, I’m going to keep her on.” Deep down, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to find anyone better than Amelia.

“What happened?” my mother demands as she turns her hand over and gives my hand a little squeeze.

“I don’t want to—” I begin, but she cuts me off.

“Jackson, tell me everything.”

I give in, knowing she’s not going to let this drop. “You know the day Hayden and I went to dinner with you guys in Ohio?”

“Yes,” my mother says. “The same day you told me about you and Amelia?”

“One and the same,” I sigh.

“Okay…” She prods me to continue with a circulating motion of both her hands before she puts her hand back in mine.

“Well—” I take a deep breath. “You know how Preston’s things were found in the car with Lyla when she died, right?”

“Yeah, a wallet, right?” she says with a shudder. “And loads of his blood.”

“Right, and for the longest time I wondered if they were having an affair or something—and let me tell you, at this rate, that might have been easier to deal with than the truth.”

“So, you know the truth then? They didn’t find his body, did they?” she asks, a bit of hope in her voice. “And I don’t know what any of this has to do with you and Amelia not working out.”

“You will,” I say. “Just be patient.” I smile at her a little, but then the frown returns to my face just as fast.

“Take your time,” she says, back in mother mode.

“So, they never found his body, marked him as deceased after his body didn’t show up. The police were sure the brakes went out in her car, though it was never confirmed and honestly, I never asked.”

“Brakes not working as in…they were cut?” She puts two and two together.

“Maybe, and it’s more than likely since I found out what I did from Amelia.” I wish there was a way to not have to relive all this.

“Still not sure what Amelia has to do with any of this, but go on.” She smiles at me, fully invested in the story I’m spinning for her.

“Well, Amelia is Preston’s little sister,” I snap.

“Oh.” She pauses with her brow bunched. “Did you know that when you hired her…or dated her?’

“No,” I confirm. “And that’s the biggest issue here, but then I found out she essentially applied for the job as Hayden’s nanny because she too thought it was possible that her brother and my wife were sleeping together.”

“I see,” is all she says.

“But…” I pause, more for drama than anything. “It turns out that she thought the whole time that I might have known they were sleeping together and killed her brother out of revenge…meaning she thought I was capable of killing Lyla too.”

“Oh, come now, there’s no way that girl thinks you killed your wife.” She snorts, obviously in disbelief.

“She doesn’t think that anymore,” I say flatly.

“What changed?”

“Well, she says that as she got to know me, she believed it less and less, but it took her running into her brother in Ohio while shopping to know for sure,” I say, the hurt flooding me all over again.

“He’s alive?” She clutches her chest as if holding on to a string of pearls she isn’t wearing.

“Yes, and that’s not all…he’s been in hiding after finding out that he and Lyla were supposedly brother and sister,” I say, still not sure I believe any of this. “I guess Amelia’s father is some sort of mob or Mafia boss, and after finding out that his only son and heir to whatever fucked-up family business they have going on is no longer his son and heir…well, he handled it —” I say the last two words with air quotes. “Taking my wife down with him. But, Mom…” I pause as I think about the possible implication of my mother knowing all this. “I don’t know how much of the Mafia thing I believe, but if it’s true, you could be in danger for just knowing all this.”

“Did Amelia know before all this that her father was a bad guy?” she wonders. “Because if that woman knew and put my grandbaby in danger, this grandma is going to have more than words.”

“She says she didn’t know until Preston enlightened her that day,” I admit.

“So, you broke up with Amelia for her father being involved in something she didn’t even know about?” she snaps, now back on Amelia’s side obviously.

“No, I broke up with her because she thought I was capable of not only murdering her brother, but my own wife, and the whole time she pretended to not even know them,” I begin. “She let me talk about Lyla and the accident like it was all new to her, and the whole time she was playing Nancy Drew or Criminal Minds on her own, unintentionally jeopardizing all of us.”

“I see,” is all my mother says.

Those two words exasperate me to no end.

Deep down, I’m glad my mom showed up. She’s really the only person I have to confide in. Sure, I have all the guys, but I can’t talk to them about all this.

My father and I have a decent relationship, but not one where we can just open up like this. There’s something about my mother that just makes me feel comfortable enough to talk.

The truth of it all is that while my father is a great granddad to Hayden, our relationship has been strained since I was younger. He never emoted much, and that made me grow up thinking men weren’t supposed to feel things, or at least were not supposed to show they were feeling things. When Lyla passed, he made me feel like my pain wasn’t worth all the tears and anger.

Anger…I recall all that anger I felt even up to the point Amelia came along. So much of it consumed me on so many occasions. I hadn’t felt that anger in so many months until recently, and now that’s all I feel all over again.

“Well, that certainly is a lot to take in, now isn’t it?” Mom says with a little smile as she brings her teacup back up to her lips and takes a sip.

“Yeah, and even though I’ve had a little bit of time to process it all, it’s still just as hard to get through,” I admit to her. “It’s a lot to unpack, and even harder to deal with emotionally. You know how much I struggle in that department anyway.”

“I wish that wasn’t the case,” she says, giving the back of my hand a little pat. “So, they weren’t having an affair…that’s something.” She looks into the distance as if looking for something more to say.

“Nope, no affair, and apparently they were siblings.” I roll my eyes at how ridiculous this whole thing seems now that I’ve spoken it out loud.

“Well, that should make you feel a little better anyway,” she says, and for a moment I’m not sure what she means by that.

“What should make me feel better?” I wonder.

“That your wife wasn’t stepping out on you,” she confirms. “It sounds like she was just trying to get to the bottom of everything after finding out she had a brother with an ex-dad who is a very scary guy.”

“Oh, I don’t know how I feel about it,” I say, though deep down that feels like a lie.

“Relieved,” she says. “That’s how you should feel.”

“It’s hard to feel that way, Mom, when all I feel is the pain of losing her all over again, and now Amelia. I never wanted to fall in love again, and here I am hurting over the loss of a second woman who is still alive. I don’t know which one is worse, if I’m being honest with myself.”

“Come on, you have to agree that knowing she was true to you counts for something,” she says with conviction.

“Alright, I guess you’re right in that department. I’m not mad at Lyla. I’ve always been hurt that she left Hayden and me, but deep down I hoped there was some explanation for Preston being wither her. Did I ever think I would find out…? No. Now that I know, however, I don’t know how to feel. I mean, why didn’t Lyla tell me about all this?”

“My guess is she didn’t want you and Hayden to be in danger of finding out the Mafia was after Preston,” she says, and I know she might be right.

“I’m just so pissed,” I admit as I put my head in my hands.

Rage runs through me again as I process it all. Every time I go through it…I just come back to being mad at Amelia for all of it.

“There’s no need to be mad at the dead,” my mother says. But she has it all wrong—it isn’t Lyla I’m angry with.

“No, Mom, I’m pissed at Amelia,” I admit. “The kind of pain she caused me…and the danger she’s possibly put us in…I just don’t think I can ever forgive her. She thought I killed my wife, Mom.”

“Get ahold of yourself, Jackson,” she says. “You would have done the same thing. Your anger is unwarranted, and you need to grow the fuck up.”

I’m taken by surprise…my mother hardly ever cusses. I can hardly process what she’s saying I’m in so much shock. It’s like I’ve been slapped across the face, and it might hurt less if she had just done that.

“How can you think I would have done the same?” I ask her with disbelief at what she’s saying.

“What if the tables had been turned? Say it was Preston who had died, and they found his body, but Lyla’s body wasn’t there, but her purse was in Preston’s car.” She pauses a moment as she gets up and takes our plates and cups to the sink before sitting back down. “You would have just sat back and done nothing? You can’t think that girl expected to fall in love with you and Hayden.” She reaches over to take my hand again. “You know that Amelia isn’t to blame for Lyla’s death any more than you are…or even Preston. Jackson, she’s the only reason you’ve been so happy these last few months…you told me so yourself.”

I pause and think for a moment. She’s not wrong, but there are so many things I can’t get over. Not right now anyway.

“I just don’t think I can get over the fact that she lied to me, and by extension lied to Hayden,” I say as I shake my head in irritation. “She knew about the rivalry Preston and I had. She knew all of it and she pressed for information, Mom. She made it seem like I could be honest and vulnerable with her about Lyla, and now I know it was all a lie. She was just trying to decide whether I did her in myself.”

Through the anger in my system, a single tear slips down my cheek. My blood feels like ice and my heart is like stone as it falls to the pit of my stomach.

“I do see your side of things, Jackson, don’t think I don’t,” she says softly as she puts the lid on the cake. “But if you trust my opinion whatsoever…I think you and Amelia can get through this. I think you need to talk about it without fighting, and try to see each other’s side of things.”

“I don’t know, Mom,” I say. “I have to head to practice. I don’t care if you stay and visit, but don’t talk to Amelia about this, please.” I get to my feet, somehow feeling a little better than I did before this conversation.