Mistletoe and Memories (Evergreen Hollow Christmas #4)

Chapter 18

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

That evening, Margo looked at the back of her camera as she stood in the snow with no small amount of satisfaction.

The spot that she had found to stake out the owls, on a part of one of the mountainsides a good distance from town, had turned out to be perfect. The hike up to the spot had been refreshing too, cold and brisk, and the exercise had been just what she needed. Even if she was uncomfortably reminded of how she’d broken her leg on a ski slope just a year ago, she was more glad to see how well she’d recovered, and that she hadn’t let it stop her from venturing out again.

It was something about herself that she’d always liked. She didn’t let being afraid of things stop her from doing them. She didn’t let anything hold her back, when she was determined to do something. At the beginning of her career, she’d been very afraid of flying. But she’d done it anyway, because it was necessary for the job she wanted, and she’d eventually gotten used to it. Within a few years, she’d actually started to look forward to it.

Going hiking out in the mountains after having been hurt last winter had definitely scared her a little. But she was proud of herself for having done it. Now she didn’t feel as afraid, and she would feel even less so next time. And she’d gotten a few really great pictures before the sun had gone down.

She couldn’t help but wonder, deep down, if she was holding herself back by continuing to stay in Evergreen Hollow. If the fear of losing Spencer, losing time with her family, the fear of finding another job that could cut her loose and leave her adrift like the magazine had last holiday season—if all of those things were making her stay in a place where she was stagnating. She was always afraid that she wasn’t really happy, that she was just doing the easiest thing. That fear had pushed her to go further and try more new things, over and over, throughout her life. But this time, maybe it was just that it was time to go slower. That she didn’t need to keep pushing so much, so hard.

She lowered the camera, watching one of the owls fly off into the dark stand of trees. She knew she should have headed back a couple of hours ago—truthfully, that had gotten her into trouble the last time she’d been out in the snow late in the evening—but she couldn’t help but linger. She knew it would be wonderful if she could catch a few shots of the snowy owls in the moonlight.

This felt like old times. Like the adventures she’d gone on by herself, in search of the perfect story, the perfect photos to go along with it. She cracked open a new hand warmer, putting it into her glove, and let out a cloud of frosty breath into the air in front of her.

This particular night reminded her a lot of a trip she’d taken to the arctic, to get pictures for an article on penguins. It had been freezing, and her camping site had been sparse, but she hadn’t minded. The thrill of the adventure, of being somewhere that so few people went, had been enough. Feeling close to nature, getting shots that no one else would otherwise see, that had made it all worth it.

She missed it. She really did. But this was giving her that feeling again. And maybe, she thought, it would be enough if she kept finding new projects that would rejuvenate her like this. If she could even find a way to travel short distances to do other sorts of articles for The Gazette . Or she could do some freelancing on the side. Take photos on her own and sell them. She just needed to be more creative in the ways that she could feed that part of herself. Nora had figured out a way to do it, after all, and she could too. She would just need to be more proactive about it.

Feeling better than she had in a while, Margo lifted the camera, getting a few more shots with the moon as her lighting. She looked at the back of her camera, pleased that they’d turned out just the way she envisioned, and then turned to start to head back.

She felt thoroughly rejuvenated by the time she got back to The Mistletoe Inn, happy and flushed and ready to dive into going through the photos at the office the next day. She was startled to see Spencer in the living room when she walked in, dressed in a pair of nice chinos and a wool button-down.

“This is a nice surprise,” she said, smiling at him as she set her camera down and shrugged off her jacket. “What are you doing here?”

She hadn’t expected to see him, and now the night seemed even better. They could have a drink by the fire and cuddle up together.

But Spencer frowned, running a hand through his hair as he stood up.

“I tried to call you,” he said, clearing his throat. There was something a bit odd in his voice, almost like he was hurt about something, although she couldn’t imagine what was wrong.

“I didn’t have any cell reception. I was out getting pictures of the owls…” She trailed off, her heart suddenly leaping as she realized why he might be at the inn. She felt guilty immediately for it not having been her first thought. “Wait, is something wrong with Dad? Is that why you’re here?”

Spencer shook his head. “No,” he said quickly. “No, everything is fine with Donovan.” He tilted his head, looking at her as if he wasn’t quite sure what was going on. “It’s just—we had a date tonight, Margo.”

Her heart dropped instantly as she took in his outfit again, and her cheeks flushed hot. She felt guilty and embarrassed, realizing all at once that she’d forgotten about the date they’d planned. Worse still, she’d gotten caught up in work, and forgotten because of that. Even worse, she’d stayed out as long as she had because what she’d been doing had reminded her of her old life and how much she missed it, it had soothed that ache. Her life before she’d come home. Before Evergreen Hollow. Before Spencer.

She hadn’t felt so horribly guilty about anything in such a long time. She crossed the living room quickly, grabbing both of his hands in hers and squeezing.

“I’m so sorry,” she blurted out. “Really, I am. So, so sorry. I was just so excited about getting the pictures, and it turned out to be such a good spot, and I got so wrapped up in all of it.” She bit her lip, wondering what she could possibly say to make it better. “I got some good ones, and I just—” She winced. “Do you want to see them?”

“Of course I do,” Spencer assured her, retreating back to the couch in front of the fireplace. He didn’t sound angry, which surprised her. She didn’t know how he could not be upset after she’d all but stood him up on their date, but he didn’t seem upset with her at all. If anything, it seemed like he understood.

Maybe he did, she thought as she got the camera and went to join him on the couch. After all, he was a doctor. He’d spent his whole life in a high-pressure job, where he had to be completely invested in it, to the point where it had probably overtaken his life outside of work at times. When they’d first met, he’d talked to her about how it had been hard to maintain a relationship when his job had always come first.

But he’d also told her that part of the reason he’d come to Evergreen Hollow was because he didn’t want that life any longer. Because he wanted to be able to focus on a relationship, on friends and family. So she couldn’t imagine that he was happy to have something he’d wanted, a date night out just for them, that he’d put so much effort into, usurped by her work. Like that was more important to her than he was.

She switched on the Christmas string lights that were hung over the fireplace, adding their twinkle to the lights on the Christmas tree and the flicker of the fire in front of them. There was a soft, folded woven blanket at one end of the couch, and she grabbed it as she sat down, tucking it over them both as she turned her camera back on.

It reminded her of their first date on the sleigh that he’d gotten for them, when he’d found a way to get her to the winter fireworks show despite her broken leg. They’d had a blanket tucked around them in the sleigh, warm and cozy in the snow as all the colors burst overhead.

He’d made their first date unforgettable. He did his best to make all their special moments that way, she knew. And sometimes she worried that he deserved better than what she was giving him.

She started to go through the pictures of the owls, lingering on the ones that she really liked. Spencer looked at them with interest, pointing out a few that caught his eye as well, and she explained which ones she wanted to use for the newspaper, and why.

When she had finished, setting the camera aside, she noticed that his expression looked sad.

“I really am sorry for missing dinner,” she said softly, moving closer to him under the blanket. “I know you were really excited about it, and I was too. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to go. I really did just forget because I got so excited, and?—”

“It’s not that,” Spencer said quietly. “Things happen, and I know you wouldn’t miss our date on purpose, or that it didn’t matter to you. It’s just…” He drew in a slow breath, leaning back against the couch as he looked at her with that same sad expression still on his face. “It’s that I feel like you haven’t been this happy in a while. And I’m worried about that. I’m worried that this might not be enough for you.”

He didn’t say I’m worried that I might not be enough for you, but Margo could hear it, underlying his words.

“I want you to be happy, Margo. And if Evergreen Hollow wasn’t enough for that, I would understand. You’ve had a big life, and it became small very quickly, because of circumstances out of your control. I wouldn’t be surprised if you wanted to reassess that.”

Her heart twisted in her chest. For a moment, it felt like she could barely breathe. She loved him so much, she thought. He wanted so badly to make her happy, even if the things that made her happy would make him un happy. Just like when they were first together, he was even willing to let her go if it was what she needed for her life. He loved her unselfishly, and it made her love him even more.

She wanted him to be happy, just as much. She realized, looking at him, that she had no idea what she would do without him. That all of the things she sometimes missed wouldn’t make her nearly as happy now, because she would always be thinking of how she wanted to share them with him.

She would want to tell Spencer about anything she did and anywhere she went. She would want to send him pictures, hear his opinion, hear him laugh as she told him stories. Nothing would be as bright or fulfilling without him in her life to share it with her.

“My happiness might look different, depending on the situation,” she said softly, reaching up to touch his cheek. “But nothing, nothing , makes me happier than being right here with you. I promise you that.”

This time, as she leaned in to kiss him, she saw him smile.

And that made her happier than anything had in a very long time.